h y u k j a e

I hoped it was a bluff, I really did. I hoped for the best. I hoped that Silver Rain closed simply because he had other commitments to think of, time and money commitments, no matter how weird the timing was. I hoped that even if Silver Rain doesn't take pictures of me anymore, he would still be there in the front row, watching me. At the very least, it would calm my worries.

I thought the closure wouldn't impact me so much—well, it already did, impact a lot I mean, but not that much. Apparently I was wrong because this worry alone was enough to keep my eyes open last night. I grew more and more restless as the night passed and ended up maybe only getting two hours or so of sleep. Sleepless gigs are nothing new to me, but the fact that a single fansite closing would cause it is worrying enough. I can't pinpoint the exact reason, but I just need to see him again. I need to see him in the crowd.

I bite my lip, trying to keep the anxiety off my expression as scan the crowd again and again. He is not in the front row. He is not in the second row. He is not anywhere I've looked. Is he in the seats?

Sighing, I put Silver Rain in the back of my mind. I can't let this matter get to me so much that it bothers everyone else who came for a good time. Closing my eyes, I take deep breaths and focus on the excited screams of my Jewels. Inadvertently I smile. I grin, and even giggle. Their voices when they call my name continue to be the cutest and most precious thing in my life. I would do everything to not lose them.

I open my eyes to the sea of sparkly glitter from their light sticks. Their happy faces beam as they watch me. My whole body feels warm, like it is a steam machine and someone is eagerly feeding it coal.

I channel that energy to my body and move for them.

But he wasn't there. I even got on the moving trolley and searched through the seats for him, but he wasn't there. Guilt grows in my heart because I realized I have again compromised everyone else's maximum enjoyment for my selfish insecurities, but I can't help it. I just lost one of the few only constants in my hectic life.

As tomorrow's a Sunday concert that starts later and things have been generally laxer after doing the concert twice, I have more time to spend doing useless things. Like how I usually spend it, I open my twitter account.

I'd be lying if I say I wasn't disappointed when I didn't see Silver Rain's tweet the first thing on my timeline saying yesterday is just some crazy joke and he's back to taking photos today. It's stupid. I should seriously stop thinking like this.

As per my routine, I check some fansite accounts to see their previews. Some eagle eyes have noticed my restlessness from today, putting their concern in the captions. I shake my head at myself for letting this happen when I know I should've been professional. They're saying my serious look is y though, so I guess there's a silver lining to it.

Silver. Agh.

Why do I keep thinking about it? Stop. Stop, brain.

I say that, I even say that out loud, but brains don't follow orders, apparently. In my mind rushes the images of him, of his warm eyes and his sharp jaw. His smiling face among the crowd. The pleased smile he does that I've seen sometimes, when I occasionally caught him looking at the photo he just took.

Without thinking, my thumbs soon take me to that troubling fansite's twitter page. Keeping in mind that I have some time to spare, I finally click on the drive link Silver Rain tweeted yesterday, really looking at the photos this time instead of the skimming I did already. He made a folder especially for photos of yesterday's concert. I click it.

They are mostly rejects. Photos of barely decipherable blur, of colorful ghosts moving on stage litter the folder. There are some gems in there though it takes some effort to look. I put in said necessary effort and pick out the cherries from the folder, saving them to my own phone in their unedited glory, still impressed by them anyway. He always makes me look better than I actually do, and it baffles me that enough photography skills can make me look like that. I also take note of the photos that are not of my face—of my hand, my feet, my legs. Somehow, they bring a blush to my face. Why?

Suddenly an idea strikes me. I'm not sure what'll come out of it but at this point does it really matter? Any reaction is good, anything that gets him to look is good enough for me. Maybe he would feel loved and appreciated. Maybe he would cringe, maybe he would just laugh it off... maybe he would—

I must be crazy, because the possibility of him coming back alone is enough to get me so so hopeful. I'm not sure what makes me feel like this. It's true that it's worth a shot, though. It's nothing harmless, if something happens, great; if nothing happens it would just pass like any other day. If anything, it'd be a nice gesture of appreciation for a fansite that has been here for so long.

I steel my pride, tell myself it's fine, and open up Instagram.

d o n g h a e

I double-check, triple-check, over and over and over, but it's right. There, marked by unmistakably my watermark, are my photos. Precisely, the photos I took on the first day of the concert that I uploaded unedited onto the drive.

eunhyukee44 2nd day of concert done! Tomorrow too, work hard my Jewels ^^ I wanna say don't bring your lovers to my concert, but it's not like you guys have one anyway, right?
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1 HOUR AGO

On Eunhyuk's Instagram post. He uploaded them. When he has never uploaded a fansite's photo before, ever. He even uploaded my strange photo of just his hand in the air.

I feel my heart beating faster and faster and I mentally yell at it to stop. This is seriously not funny. It looks like a huge joke the universe pulled, but it's not funny at all. Heck, it's not even the first time he has noticed me! He's always pointed at my lens before anyway. Why is something this simple making my heart go this crazy? And hell, why is he doing this so suddenly?

I don't know what I expect when I click on the comments. I see plenty of "yah lee hyukjae you bastard ㅋㅋㅋ" or "you've worked hard oppa" or "3rd day fighting". I also see others. Like "ahh silver rain-nim ㅠㅠ".

Ugh. I try to ignore them. I'm trying my best to deal with the guilt of leaving Jewels so suddenly and it's not helping. How do other closing fansites deal with this? My heart is swelling uncontrollably.

Unable to bear it, I close the comments section to come back face to face with Eunhyuk's photo page.

What do I do with this...

I rise up from my bed and walk to my closet, where a big electronic dry box has been slotted into. I open it. Inside are my cameras and lenses, my whole life—I purposefully keep it inside a creaky-doored closet that would jolt me awake with the sound immediately. I'd rather lose anything but them.

A ticket to Eunhyuk's final day concert also sits next to the tele lens I always bring to concerts. I had sold the ticket for today's concert (for a huge profit, with that queue number) after I decided attending it wouldn't be healthy for me, but something just kept me from offering the third-day ticket along with it.

I don't know. Logically, I actually would rather avoid Eunhyuk as much as possible, but my heart is saying something else and I know it.

A sound disturbs my thoughts and it's the vibration of my phone against the wood of the nightstand.

Minjae
Yah Lee Donghae
Did you see it

I know what she's referring to without much thinking and I find myself thinking about the post again. It doesn't feel nice. But Minjae's message gives me so much relief—I thought she would be resting by now, which is why I haven't contacted her, but now that I know she's awake, I'm more than glad to not be left making decisions alone. She would have to suffer my annoying indecisiveness right when she's tired from the concert and have another one to prepare for tomorrow. I should feel bad, but it's Minjae. When she decided to contact me about Hyukjae, she should have been prepared for my stupid crying fits anyway.

Me
I have ㅠㅠ
Minjae-ah ㅠㅠ ㅠㅠ ㅠㅠ
What's happening...
My heart is racing

Minjae
Do you know what everyone else is saying
Hyukjae looked a bit out of it today
His eyes were all over the place
Like looking for something
It's all over twitter too

Me
Um, okay?

Minjae is a fast response girl, but she doesn't reply after that. I think she's still sorting out her own photos, trying to decide which preview to—

Oh. Okay. She's calling me.

I draw in a breath. Minjae has always preferred text, same as I do, no matter how much she needs her hands for something else. The fact that she's calling means she is extremely serious.

My fingers shake lightly when I slide to pick up. Minjae hates wasting time, so when she doesn't spare time for greetings and get right into the issue, I'm not surprised.

"Donghae-yah, come on! He totally knows about you."

"Yeah. He does. I know." I know it's not what Minjae is talking about, but I get annoying when I'm nervous.

Minjae would normally be aware of my dumb habits but seems like she's too tired and frustrated to care. "No, I mean." I hear her frustration not from her own lips, but from the clicks of her keyboard getting louder. "He knows that you closed and it's bothering him!"

"Ha ha ha," I say flatly. "Okay, Eun Minjae. That's one too many dramas."

"But his eyes—"

"Okay, let's say he was looking for someone. How are you so sure it was me?" I ask in a mocking way, trying to disguise my inner curiosity.

"I would think so but look. Look what he did, Donghae. One. He's never posted fansite's picture before. Two. It's a post about day 2 but your photos are from day 1. Why? Three. It's from your cloud drive you posted, right? Doesn't that mean he opened your drive? And picked a photo from the thousands of photos in it?"

I hate how convincing Minjae is being because she's always been good at this. I try to not argue with what she said and present a different point instead. "Okay, so he opened my drive. But why would he look for me?" I fake a laugh. "Let's get real, Minjae-ah."

Minjae laughs. She actually laughs, unlike the plastic laugh I did earlier. "Um. Sorry, but are you forgetting that he's always looked for you? At every concert? You're the one who should get real, Silver Rain-nim."

"Don't—" I huff, because as annoying as I'll ever be, I'll never be as annoying as her. This is entirely subjective, of course. "Yah, I still think Minus-J is a terrible name for a fansite."

"You've said that three thousand times. And I go by just Minus now, shut up."

I chuckle. She may be hard-headed, but she actually always listens. I'm the same. It's the secret to our long-lasting friendship.

To appreciate her courage to face her embarrassing past, I reward her by acknowledging her argument and move the conversation along. "Okay. Let's say he is looking for me. What about this? Why would me not being there bother him?"

"That's the mystery, isn't it?" Minjae counters. "He's visibly restless when you're not around. Why do you think, Donghae?"

See, see, this is what I mean by being good at arguments. Or maybe I just . I don't know, but whichever it is, I hate it. I can't answer her and I hate it. What do I think about Hyukjae being bothered I'm not there? My delusional brain is whispering bad answers to me and I blame it on watching too many soap operas.

Lee Donghae, he's an idol and you are—were—just his fansite. Stop.

I must've stayed silent for too long because Minjae starts speaking impatiently. "Are you coming tomorrow? You still have your ticket, right?"

I glance at the ticket I was just looking at a few minutes ago. I'm not surprised she knows, but I act like I do anyway to buy time to answer her question. "How do you know?"

She clicks her tongue. "Who do you think I am, Lee Donghae? I didn't stick by your side for five years for you to wonder why I don't know everything about you."

A fond smile graces my lips. To think about it, I've been through so much with Minjae, us both being the oldest Eunhyuk fansites who have been there since his debut era, coincidentally being the same age, too. You might think five years isn't all that long, but as fansites, the time we spend together is hard and grueling. When we're exhausted, our true selves come out along with the worst side of us. Because no one else will understand how hard fansiting is, we also confide our stresses to each other. It starts with just fansite stress, and as we got comfortable with each other we also share daily problems and even relationship problems. As a result, Minjae knows all my ugliest habits and my deepest secrets.

When made the decision to leave yesterday, I cut off my ties with all the other fansites but Minjae. I left all the group chats. Minjae... nowadays I can't really imagine my life without her.

I think of all the hardships Minjae and I have conquered and it nearly brought a tear to my eye, really. I know I'm a softie, but it's really touching. From concert shenanigans, dealing with security, annoying customers, even a fraud at one point—

Minjae hasn't said anything even though a lot of time has passed. I think she knows I'm being sappy. So to break the silence, I say: "Love you, Minjae-ah."

She chuckles, as always still a little awkward with how sappy I can get. "Thanks. Back to the ticket, though. You've been thinking whether or not to go, right?"

I let Minjae steer the conversation. "Alright, yeah I haven't sold it. And you're right. About thinking."

"I'm helping your indecisive here," she says with a slight edge to it, successfully making me nibble the insides of my mouth in guilt. "Come tomorrow."

I sigh heavily. "Look—"

"No need to bring your cameras, just come and watch."

I'm slowly losing the battle here, because the idea becomes more and more tempting. I haven't said anything but then Minjae adds, "I'm sure Hyukjae would be happy, too."

I squint, not going down without a challenge. "How are you so sure?" I know Minjae would have an answer to that anyway, so I pose a different question to her. "And what's in it for me? It'll just further break my heart."

"Woman's instincts," she answers to the first question. There is a short silence before Minjae says: "Hasn't Hyukjae always been in it for you?"

At this point I know I've lost. She's a hundred percent right. It brings back memories of another tearful night—

"I'm scared, Minjae. I'm scared."

She had held me tight. "Donghae, I—I wish I can help you. Really."

I knew she's sincere, and I have the same wish. But alas, there's no one who could do anything about my feelings other than myself.

I know it's only ever been him who made me like this, wrecked and broken. I can't think of anyone else. And that's the scary part—that I'm being like this because of him and only him. Can't anyone else make my heart pound so hard? Give me a release from this heartache? What if I really never do find anyone else? What if I can't love anyone else as much as I—

"I'm gonna quit. I can't stay here any longer." I sobbed into her chest. "It hurts. It hurts to see him, Minjae."

It hurts to always be reminded that I can't have him.

Minjae had smiled. "You know I'll support you."

"I know it hurts, Donghae," Minjae's voice over the telephone is concerned. "But it's also... not right to leave Hyukjae like—like that. I mean."

"Then how do I leave him, Minjae?" My voice rose. I'm starting to get frustrated. "We've been over this. I'm leaving him. He isn't good for my heart."

I hear her closing her laptop before she starts speaking again. "Actually what I wanna say is," she pauses, "it's better to give it a shot than nothing at all."

I bite my lips. I know where she's heading. I don't like it.

"Eun Minjae," I say in a light scolding tone, because this is not a joke anymore. "Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?"

"Look, can you—will you do this, Donghae? At least do it for me."

I rub my forehead. It's hard to refuse Minjae because she really doesn't ask me for much. So whenever she does ask, my mind always automatically says yes, because I like it if I can help make her happy. "It'll never work, Minjae," I say as my last defense.

But she uses my own question against me. "How are you so sure?"

The delusional voice in my head snaps awake with that question. Yeah, Lee Donghae, why are you so sure you'd never end up with Lee Hyukjae?

I'm a grown man with logic. Not some delusional fangirl thinking they own their oppas. But there is that childish side of me, holding on to that tiny hope for its dear life, a side that I despise. Is Hyukjae even gay? Will he even be interested in a mere fan? I throw my childish side countless arguments every day, but it just never admits defeat.

"I know, I know," Minjae says, not specifying what she knows exactly, but I kinda know what she means. This dilemma. This whole fight against myself. "But look. Now that there's even the slightest chance, don't you want to...? One last time? One more chance, at least? I'll be right there with you if anything happens."

I fall back onto my bed. She's being so convincing. My case is a lost one. I already know what I want.

It's fine to be childish once in a while, I guess? It's justification. I know this is doing me no good but I'm doing it anyway.

Slowly, with a small voice, I speak. "I don't want to meet the other fansites. I don't want their questions." My ticket's queue number is too high, it's a guarantee that I'll bump into them. They're nosier than Dispatch. Some of them, at least.

"Let's get your ticket traded!" Minjae's tone becomes lighter, more hopeful. She's happy. I like it when she's happy, even though I don't really like what I'm doing for it. It's the bright side of this, I guess. "I'll offer it on Minus. You prefer seating?"

"That would be great."

I'll be away from Minjae in seating, but at least I'll be even further away from Hyukjae.

I promised Regi I'd make this one more lighthearted, but I couldn't stop kdfjhs. This kind of dilemma is exactly what I want to present in this fic. It'll get more fun later tho! Once things get rollin'.

Sorry if the part with Minjae got too long, I couldn't control myself. Being inside Donghae's head is fun and I'm attached to Minjae already x(