The same dream every night. It was always him. Him overlooking the nightsky from the window of a dark room. His body trembling, his face damp with tears. Every night the same image haunted my dreams. 
But that night, something changed.
Unlike usual, this time the dream did not end with that same image. This time, he stepped on the ledge of the window, and jumped.
I woke up with a gasp, my forehead wet with sweat. It took me countless moments to calm my racing heart, the dream replaying itself in my mind. 
It's just a dream, it doesn't mean anything, i reassured myself. Nothing can happen to my jungkook. 
I repeated these words as i closed my eyes and counted sheep, waiting for sleep to take over me again.
                    ************
"Come on Milly, sit with us today. Why do you always eat lunch alone?", my old friend stephanie whined, as we waited in the cafeteria lunch line.
"Uh, i have a headache Steph, i'll catch up with you guys later, i promise.", i told steph unconvincingly. 
As i made my way to my usual place beside the window with my lunch tray, i could feel my old friends' eyes boring into my back. But i couldn't care less. 
I sat at my quiet bench and nibbled an apple, the beautiful garden view already distracting me. The same seat had become my everyday lunch spot, where i could pretend to be alone, away from the negative vibes i couldn't help but feel from my schoolmates. Where no one could invade my thoughts. Well, no one, expect one. The one who never left my thoughts. 
As if on cue, i heard the scraping of the bench a few seats in front of me, and i immediately forgot how to breathe.
It was jungkook, his eyes downcast as always, his face expressionless as always. 
I couldn't help but stare at his beautiful face. But what always captured me were his eyes, which were like two beautiful brown coffee beans, but always seemed to me as if they hid a worldful of sorrow.
I could shamelessly stare at him throughout lunch. The reassurance that he never glanced at his surroundings and never seemed to actually register anyone's presence making me carefree. 
This is how we would usually spend lunch hour. Him, eating his lunch preoccupied by the earphones that never seemed to leave him alone, and me just quietly nibbling at my food and peeking glancing at him.
The flashbacks from my nightmare made me lose my appetite. The mere thought of jungkook suffering, let alone dying made my heart ache. 
I reminded myself that it was just a nightmare, it meant nothing. He was safe and in front of me.
The bell rang, and i couldn't help but feel a bit dissappointed that i wouldn't be seeing him until the last period- english, which was the only class we had together.
He got up lethargically, unlike the other rushing students, distracted by his own thoughts, collected his things and walked out of the cafeteria.
My mood immediately shifted to emptiness.
I wasn't always this person. This girl with no real connections, no real ambitions. Spiritless, without a speck of happiness.
I was a whole different person. Social, motivated, positive. I had friends that were like family to me. 
But when mom passed away, it was like nothing was normal anymore.
Nomatter how much my friends would try to reconnect with me, i would see nothing but the glimpses of my sad reality in their gestures, in their sympathetic eyes. Every moment i spent like my old self, i would feel nothing but empty. It was as if everything was meaningless.
So i took the easy way out and distanced myself with everything i had known to be mine. My friends, my hobbies, my old life. Everyone gave up trying to coax me out of my "phase" and moved on with their lives.
I plunged myself into depression, drowning with every toxic thought. I had thought there would be no escape.
But then, he happened. Jungkook. 
He came back after a year of break from school, a completely different person. There were rumours everywhere. That he was in juvi, serving his time for being caught dealing drugs.
Everyone had known jungkook from before. And i was no exception. 
He had been the most popular guy in school. He was the lead singer of our school band. The happiest kid on the block. Nothing could wipe the bright smile on his face. Even the teachers cherished him. Everyone wanted to be his friend. No one could have predicted jungkook's drug scandal. So when he came back, everyone approached him with concerned and friendly words.
But it was too late. This guy wasn't the old jungkook everyone loved.
He was different. Cold. He turned a blind eye to everyone. He wouldnt talk to anyone, wouldn't answer teachers. His own friends were blocked by the wall he built in front of him. 
Everyone eventually left him alone, many annoyed by his rude behaviour.
Everyone saw him as an arrogant, rude guy, without any traces of the old jungkook.
Me? I was too busy in my own dark world. I couldnt care less about what the school's beloved jungkook was doing. I had every intention to mind my own business.
But fate had other plans.
It was another lunch break. Me on my window seat, him a few seats across me. My eyes caught him scribling something on a torn piece of paper.
As the bell rung, he gathered his things and left the room, leaving the cribbled paper on the floor. Curiosity got the best of me and i picked the piece of paper, only to find 5 scribbled words in a messy handwriting.
"It's too dark, but i'll find the light at the end of the tunnel."
I felt a tug at my heart. It wasn't sympathy. I felt a connection. Maybe because his words described what i was going through. Or maybe because i was also fooled like the rest by his cold exterior to even think of how he must be feeling. 
But from then on, i started to take notice of him, observing him when i got the chance. And i saw what no one else did. 
The worldful of sorrow and yearning in his dark eyes. The demons he hid in himself, that in a way, mimicked my own.
Before i knew it, i was falling for him.
The way he would give everyone the cold shoulder as if he was emotionless, but how i would catch him smiling at the puppies being fed by their mother outside the class window, with wonder in his eyes.
The way he would sometimes play baseball with the neighbourhood kids in the evening, when i would happen to be grocery shopping in the 24/7 across his neighbourhood. The way he would zone out in lunch, food forgotten, with a look of complete helplessness, but the next moment he would be humming to a song with eyes closed and a dreamlike expression. I loved him because he gave me hope. Hope that nomatter how hard life got, there would always be reasons to smile.
But i was aware of the fact that i would never be able to be a part of his life. His walls did not allow anyone to enter. And i was fine with it. I was content with just being in his presence and being able to escape my reality, even if it was for a little while. Honestly, it sometimes scared me, the intensity of my feelings towards jungkook. I wish i could say it was just a mere high school crush. But i'd be lying to myself. It was like the mere sight of him put me at ease, despite the erruption of the million butterflies in my belly. He made me feel calm. He was a figment of warmth that i could always hold onto when the cold knocked the breath out of me. 
              He was home to me.