!! Warning !! :

You can think of it as a continuation from the previous chapter. And yep, it's another angst that is waiting for you. Don't say i didn't warn you.

When someone really matters,

Time, distance, won’t matter.

16 hours gap is our time difference.

9.294 km away far from each other.

Seoul - California

“Pani..”

“Yes, Tae?”

“Pani..”

“Yes, Taetae?”

“Pa—“

“Look dork, you can keep calling for my name for days and not that i mind despite being so late already here, but that won’t help you to solve any of your problems. Just saying. But you can take your time. I’m all ears, Tae.”

I just let out a chuckle. She’s right. She’s always right.

“I met this guy.. and we kinda talked for 2 months now. We—“

“And you just told me this NOW?”

I let out another chuckle. She sounds mad. I can hear her uneven raged breaths from here i swear.

I can imagine she looks like a pink angry dragon with hot breaths blowing out from her nostrils right now. The absurd image just make me laugh harder.

“You laugh? Really, Kim Taeyeon??”

Oh no. Guess i just anger her even more. But of course i know she’s not really mad at me.

I’ve predicted all of these. I’m not even surprised. Because i know she would react like this.

“Hey, you were busy with your wedding preparations and all. How can i have a heart to bother you?”

She let out a sigh. And i know what she would say next..

“You will never be a bother to me, Tae.” We both said it in the same time, in the same way of talking. Her way of talking to be exact, while i just copied it perfectly.

Well at least in my head, i sound exactly like her just now. Yeah, i said it in my head, while she softly whispered it out to me.

“Even though i’m Jay’s fiancee now, even after i become his wife, i was your best friend first. And i will always be your best friend.” She seriously said.

Now i kinda feel like a bad friend. For upsetting her like this.

“I know. That's why, i called you and told you this now, my bestie.” I snickered. “But you’re right. I’m sorry, Pani.” I added, in a more serious-sincere tone.

“Geez. Whatever. Now continue..”

“Haha right. So where was i?”

“Met a guy. Talking for 2 months now.” She boringly remind me.

“Ah right. So yeah, we’ve been in constant daily texting and some night phone calls for almost 2 months now. I’ve met him 3 times so far since we live in different cities so it’s quite hard to meet often, but he drove all the way from his place to mine. We hung out, had lunch and movie date, talked over a cup of tea in a cafe. He’s kind. He’s gentle and caring. He was patient when i’m being so hard to deal with. He tried his best to understand me when i know it’s hard to understand me especially with my severe mood swings.”

“And here’s the but..” She beats me before i could say it myself. As expected from my other half.

“Haha right, here comes the but. But i didn’t feel anything special toward him.” I honestly tell her the truth. The thing that have been concerning me like a lot in these past two months.

Like how can i be this cruel? There’s a very kind-hearted man, who likes me a lot and treated me very well. How can i’m not falling for that? How can my heart remained cold and unbothered? Am i that heartless?

“Didn’t feel anything like anything? At all?” She questioned.

“Well.. of course i feel touched whenever he did something sweet and thoughtful for me. I feel thankful toward him. I feel happy because i have someone to takes care of me, look out for me. I enjoyed his company because i feel comfortable to be around him. But that’s that. I’m afraid being friends is all i can be with him.”

I inwardly added, “Because there’s no butterflies in my stomach, Pani. No warm and fuzzy feelings, chills running all over my body. No irregular rapid heartbeats hammering against my chest when i’m with him. When he touched me. Things that i used to feel toward someone. I wish i could re-discover those feelings again with someone new. So i can stop living in the past with memories of you. So i can stop comparing everyone with you. So i can finally replace you in my heart. But why is it so hard?”

“Ah. Okay. I see. Maybe you just need some more time before you can finally feel it? I mean knowing you and your cautious personality. You need to really feel familiar with the person first to finally open up slowly. And from your story, he did crack your first layer. Since he made you feel comfortable around him already. That’s a good start.”

“Yeah, i thought so too.”

“But it wasn’t so hard to fell in love with you, Pani. In fact, i fell too fast. Too easily. I didn't even realize it until it's all too late to find a way out.” I yet again inwardly added. Because i can’t tell her this. Never.

Not when she already moved on years ago. Not when i can see how genuinely happy she is right now with her current life, with her current lover. Not when i know she will bear the guilt for God knows how long, perhaps for the rest of her life, and blame herself if she knows i still have these feelings for her. I can’t be that selfish, can i?

“Just.. don’t be too hard on yourself.” She suddenly said, bringing me back from my train of thoughts.

“...” Damn it, Hwang.

“Don’t blame yourself too much. It’s not your fault. Love is not something that can be force. It has to comes naturally. From a mutual attraction from both sides. And It’s not wrong to have a slower pace. It’s not wrong to be needing more time before you can feel it. You’re just alright, you hear me?”

“H-how? Damn you.” I cursed her again, out loud this time for her to hear.

She just chuckled. “I used to know you the best, baby. Remember when people in our school used to accuse us for having telepathic thingy? Because we can always finish each other sentences, even help to explain what we wanted to say when other people couldn’t get it? Or when we understand what’s going on each other’s mind just by looking into each other’s eyes? I knew you the best, Taetae. And i’m afraid i still am.” She laughed with her low melodious laugh.

I unconsciously laughed along with her.

God, i love her laugh so much.

***

(Two weeks later)

“Pani.. He proposed to me. I mean not that kind of propose. He asked me to be his girlfriend. What should i do?”

“Hmm.. do you still not feeling it?”

“.. Yeah.”

“Then do you willing to let him go?”

“.. Well honestly.. yes, i’m willing. I’m still unsure with my feeling for him. It’s just.. i’m kinda worried i would make a wrong decision by letting him go. Maybe he is the right one for me. Maybe we can work things out. Maybe not now but with time, maybe my feeling for him can finally change and grow into something deeper.” I sighed out of frustration. Frustrated with everything. Frustrated with my own self the most.

“Then you have your answer. Go for it, baby. Say yes to him.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. Give him a chance. Feelings can be develop as long as you already have the ‘base’. I told you this because i already experienced it myself. And even if it doesn’t work out, you can stop anytime. But at least give it one try so you will not have to guess it for the rest of your life. Wondering what will happened if the scenario given is different. What will happened if you didn’t reject him. Accepting him now doesn’t mean you have to marry him next month. It’s not like you get tied with him for eternity. You still can quit and run away if things get ugly. So it’s harmless for you. I don’t see the risk in trying it.”

“Right. You’re right. It’s harmless for me, but won’t it be unfair for him? That i accepted him when i know i’m not ready yet? It’s like i’m playing with his heart. When he’s being nothing but genuine.”

“That’s maybe true. But it will hurt him anyway. If you reject him now, he will feel the heartbreak. He will get hurt too. At least by doing this, you give him chance to make you fall for him. A chance to be with you exclusively. That’s you’re being kind and considerate to him.”

“Well.. if you put it that way.. i guess i will accept him then. Thanks, Pani.”

“You’re very welcome, love.”

“Talking about being stuck with someone for eternity when there’s no more quitting, the idea is indeed scary. It doesn’t scared you? I mean you’re in that situation now. You can no longer back out. Your tied with Jay in eternity now.” I teased.

“Who says? The marriage is still in 2 months from now. The bride can still run away from the wedding even in the d-day. I’m still as free as bird, love.” She laughed.

“You crazy woman..” I said with an amused smile on my face though she can’t see it since we’re just talking on phone.

Yep. She never failed to amuse me.

***

4 months have passed.

Max and i are sitting next to each other on the second row of the long wood bench inside the Church, waiting for the beautiful bride to walk in.

Yeah, Max is that man’s name. My boyfriend’s name. And now we’re attending Tiffany’s wedding with Jay.

I met her earlier when she told me to sneak in.

‘Tae, i’m so nervous i could die. Save me?’ The text wrote.

With no second thought, i stood up from my seat, telling my boyfriend that i will go to meet Tiffany because she needs some girls’ peep talk. Of course he let me go with a gentle smile, and not before giving my hand a soft squeeze.

I stand in front of the room that Tiffany told me to come and knocked on its surface twice.

“Tiffany? You’re here?”

“Yes. Just come in, Tae.”

Once the door open..

“Tiff—any..”

“Hi, Taetae!”

She’s... so pretty. No, pretty is an understatement. She's almost ethereal. In that beautiful white wedding dress. Just like the image of her that i always imagine in my head.

She stands right in front of me with her bright smile, with her eyes curved into a perfect crescents, fighting back her tears because her perfect make up will get ruined if she ever dare to shed a tear. So she tried her best to hold it in. But i can see her quivering lips.

Only God knows how hard it is for me to restrain myself to not just lean in and kiss that lips to calm her down.

“You.. You look so pretty, Pani.” I told her breathlessly. Because she took my breath away.

“Thanks, Ta— Nooo! Why are you crying?!” She yelled in panic.

Huh? I’m crying? I touched my cheek and she was right. It’s wet. Because of my tears that i didn’t even realize i shed.

“Nonono. Please Taetae don’t cry.” She immediately pulled me into her embrace, hugging me tight. She seems doesn’t care a bit about the possibility of getting her perfect wedding dress crumpled.

I gladly hugged her back, just as tight.

She whispered into my ear, “Please don’t cry. God knows how hard i’m trying to not cry right now. But if you’re crying like this, i know i can’t hold it for much longer. I will cry too. So please, Tae. I beg you. Don’t cry.”

“Haha alright alright. I'm sorry, i will not cry now. I will not make you cry.” I patted her back before i wiggled myself free from her too comforting hug. It starts to scares me.

“So now if you’ll excuse me.. i’ll see you soon, on the altar, wifey.” I joked as i winked at her.

“Ha. And Jay will sit beside Max, giving us their blessing. What a plot twist. But honestly that’s not a bad idea. Let’s do that, hubby!” As expected, she always accepted my jokes well. Though this time i desperately wish it’s not merely a joke.

“Whatever. See you in a bit, pretty bride. Don’t be nervous. Everything will be alright. And you look amazing. As always. Hwaiting!” I offer her my widest smile that i hope can comfort and calm her down somehow.

“Thanks, Tae.” She smiled back at me with her glossy eyes.

I waved my hand at her for one last time and took my leave.

After i exited the room, i started to walk hastily and when i’m sure i’m far enough from everyone, from her, i finally let my tears fall, and crying in silence.

Pani, you’re wrong. We’re wrong. Even after 4 months passed, i still don’t feel it. I know he’s not the one for me. I know i can’t love him in the way i love you. But i’m settle for it anyway. Because like my mama said, it’s better to be with someone who love you more than you love them because it will assure you that they will treat you right and stay loyal to you.

It’s less risky that way. Way safer. And i’m a type of person who’s always seeking for safety and steadiness in life. I hate risk. Unlike you who loves risk and challenge.

So i think this is what suit me.

But why i’m still not feeling happy, Pani?

I was happier, much more happier when i loved you. Even after feeling the same painful heartbreak all over again for loving you, but i was happy then.

Such an irony.

Why i can’t freely love you? Why we can’t be together?

Why the heck everyone is so pleased and thrilled with the idea of having a family that consist of a mother, a father and bunch of children?

Why everyone has to follow that same path?

Why everyone expected everyone to follow that path?

Why we can’t just be what we want to be, be with anyone we want, as long as it makes us happy?

Since when being happy is no longer the first priority in this society?

Why we’re struggling so hard to be accepted by society?

Why it matters so much for people to see us in a certain light?

It’s just too sickening. All of these s.

But i’m glad still. Because at least one of us is happy today.

I can see it, Pani. It’s all too familiar.

The look you have in your eyes when you look at your husband, is the same look you once had when you look at me.

Always be happy, Pani-ah.

And please let me to always love you. Even from afar, in silence.

“In another life, i would be your girl. We’ll keep full our promises, be us against the world.

And in another life, i would make you stay. So i don’t have to say you were the one that got away.”

(The one that got away - Katy Perry)