The sensation was blinding. Hyunwoo was everything Minhyuk had never considered. Minhyuk was an air head that floated with clouds of romance. Busied himself with idyllic fantasies wrapped in tales of fate.

Hyunwoo was his fate, no doubt. He was encompassing, so very much different to what Minhyuk fantasised over and yet, he was all Minhyuk could think about. Day after day, night after night.

Hyunwoo was like the sails on a boat, strong, adaptable but held accountability to no one. He was simply as he was and Minhyuk loved him as simple as that. Two years they dated, two years Minhyuk was held at a distance but hopeful. His suffering has proved fruitful because when Hyunwoo spoke those words, Minhyuk feels suspended above realities. In the wake of his dream, the words sounds dipped in gold.

Let’s get married.

Hyunwoo, instead of coming closer, had built a bridge for Minhyuk. Instead of crossing the bridge, Minhyuk jumped off it. He took his life and placed it in Hyunwoo’s much stronger much more capable hands.

And it was those hands that broke him.

-

March 8 2019

It’s still dark when Hyunwoo’s car pulls up to the kerb. The day is still young and the sun lingers behind but Hyunwoo is wide awake. His running gear weak against the morning chill but he’s burning up. Fingers tapping against the steering wheel as he waits.

The street is dead but his eyes pick up on the slightest of movements. Mildly surprised when a pale hand comes to tap on the window. Hurriedly, Hyunwoo unlocks the door and watches in stunned silence as Hoseok slips in. His hair is now lavender and longer than before. It makes his pale skin even pronounced and even in the dull of the early morning, his lips glisten pink. Hyunwoo watches with intent, drinking in every last detail. The burning in his chest travelling to every corner of his body.

It's been too long.

Hoseok is on his lips in a heartbeat, manicured fingers clutching at Hyunwoo vest. Hyunwoo only allows him so much leeway before taking control. A firm hand finds a grip in the pale lavender hair and Hyunwoo tugs his head back. In the light situated at above the rearview mirror, Hyunwoo swallows his impulsiveness as stares into the dark liquid orbs. His heart beating too fast, his mouth too dry and all he wants to do is drown in the depths of Hoseok’s eyes.There’s a whimper, Hoseok desperation matching Hyunwoo’s. The pink lips glisten with saliva and shiver in wait until Hyunwoo can't hold himself back any more. Dominating, he pours himself into Hoseok, every bit of yearning, every bit of lust. It’s frantic and messy and he can’t pry Hoseok’s nails out of his skin. He loves the sting, the reminder that this is very much a reality.

The same reality he has to hide hours later when he arrive home to his husband.

“Hey,” he greets the figure behind the counters, closing the door behind him.

“Hey, you were up early,” Minhyuk smiles, two mugs off coffee in his hand.

“Yeah, had some stuff on my mind,” Hyunwoo accepts the mug, mindful to drape the towel over his shoulder in an attempt to hide the marks.

Still in his pale blue pyjamas, Minhyuk gets comfy on their dark sofa, his chestnut hair still unruly from his rather unusual choices of sleeping position. On a usual day, Hyunwoo would join him, he would let Minhyuk cuddle into his side as they try to stall for time. Neither of them was fond of mornings.

In this moment, Minhyuk is the epitome of homely comfort, the source of the warmth and ease of their house.

He can’t feel any of that, he can reflect on it but they don’t reach him. His body, his mind, his sense are filled with Hoseok.

He’s burning up.

He takes the coffee and heads to the bedroom instead, “I’m going to shower.”

The dark substance swirls down the drain and Hyunwoo’s guilt goes with it.

Only underneath the cover of steam and warm water does Hyunwoo dare acknowledge the indents on his arms. They’re still raw, it’s as if Hoseok is still there with him, hanging off him.

Instead, it’s warm palms that come to rest on his back. Hyunwoo’s about to panic but is overcome by a wave of indifference. He lets his husband snakes his arm around his waist, his chest pressing against the broadness of Hyunwoo back. There’s a sigh of contentment but it feels foreign on his skin, like it doesn’t belong there.

-

June 10 2019

Hyunwoo furiously blinks into awareness, all types of sounds resounding within the apartment. Tired eyes look to the clock and he’s only mildly surprised when he discovers it’s still 6 in the morning.

He should have known to expect this. Today was his niece’s 6th birthday and unlike most little girls, she insisted on a pokemon cake. Of course, she decided this while planning her birthday with an over excited Minhyuk. Hence, Minhyuk was up all night trying to ready the preparations for the cake. Hyunwoo didn’t know the finer details but he knew it was going to be a noisy job.

He reaches for his phone and sifts through his contact. Like always he searches for Hoseok’s contact only to remember saving it under ‘Jaebum’. It was safe, Minhyuk knew Jaebum from college and even though they weren’t close, Hyunwoo did spend a fair amount of time in Jaebum’s company.

Hoseok was most likely awake by now, he probably didn’t even sleep.

The other replies promptly to his greeting and Hyunwoo was right, he hasn’t slept yet. Hyunwoo could still remember him in their college days, blonde hair all fuzzy as he spent his nights away at the campus studio. He wasn't any different now and that only made Hyunwoo feel more foolish.

They chat about Hoseok’s project and about the day ahead. Hyunwoo explains that it’s niece’s birthday. There’s a bit of a stutter when Hoseok ask what gift he had gotten her but in all honesty, Hyunwoo had no idea what Minhyuk had bought her. That was his husband’s department that went with remembering dates and organising get-togethers. It’s something you get used to after eight years of marriage.

He doesn’t tell Hosek that, instead he simply skips over it, onto the next topic. His finger moves lazily as he types. Minhyuk pops in, giving him the rundown on how the cake’s going. He doesn’t ask what’s Hyunwoo doing on his phone and if he did, Hyunwoo would say he was reading the news. That doesn’t explain his typing but he was never one to give into his fear.
Honestly, he’s not completely convinced that he’s scared of Minhyuk finding out. It was such an outlandish scenario, one he had never considered before.He was obviously still in denial because he didn’t intend on entertaining the only two options he had; leave Hoseok or destroy his marriage.

The conversation never dies, Hyunwoo and Hoseok replying whenever they can. It’s continuous and amidst the birthday party, Hyunwoo can feel the buzz of his phone. His niece has a pair of Pikachu ears on and there are two red circles painted on her cheeks. He busies himself with family, distracting himself from the nagging sensation of replying. His father and he have a drink while casually watching the youngster play on the jumping castle.

There’s a shriek of laughter and they both turn their attention to the cause. Emerging from the house is Minhyuk with a rather large cake shaped like a pokeball. Hyunwoo hadn’t seen the cake, Minhyuk had already had it in the packed in the fridge when he decided to leave their room. The kids crowd around him, their hands coming a bit too close to the cake but Minhyuk smiles right along with them.

He can see it so clearly, Minhyuk would have been a good father.

They had tried, well they had considered. Males getting pregnant was a norm but that didn’t mean it came naturally. There was prepping and insemination process was done through a doctor. Minhyuk was keen but the doctor advised against it, stating that Minhyuk’s body was too weak to handle the pressure. A surrogate was suggested but Hyunwoo didn’t like the idea and that was the end of that.

Now he wonders if he things would have gone differently if they had kids. Probably not.

Amidst the hubbub, he slips into the drive way. Hoseok’s message is a picture of his lunch, ramyun to be exact. Hyunwoo really feels like nothing’s changed.

He phones him, eager to break this texting game.

There’s no hello, Hoseok’s voice is light and sharp,”I miss you.”

He replies in a heart beat,”I miss you.”

Hyunwoo misses him, Hyunwoo has missed him.

-

June 18 2019

He lies.

He didn’t enjoy celebrating his birthday, the attention was unwarranted. He was too grown for that. So it wasn’t uncommon for him to work but going away on business was a first.

Minhyuk only whines a little, his skinny fingers wrapping around his arms as he nuzzles into Hyunwoo’s neck. He won’t push through, he knows Hyunwoo has a distinct dislike to glorifying the day. Minhyuk had gone to great lengths to keep the day light and easy but a cake was inevitably presented after supper.

That wouldn’t be the case this year.

Hyunwoo had booked a hotel room at Sevenluck casino in busan. It was a common destination for him to meet clients. That did pose some risks of being seen but Hyunwoo was floating amongst the clouds.

Ever since Hoseok came back, ever since he sent that text on that morning, Hyunwoo's been swimming in strange waters.

This was no exception.

It was on his eighteenth birthday that they first confessed. The night Hyunwoo got to hold him, caress him but nothing more happened. Back then they were young lovers, their attraction for one another had been sweet and innocent. Now it felt like they were going against the world, they were reckless as they played with their loved ones. Spoke lies only they could find the truth in. It was shameless but Hyunwoo felt so pleased about this space he once again shared with the other. Their hearts picking where Hoseok dropped off. Who was Hyunwoo to blame him when Hyunwoo still wanted him, he still needed him.

It’s like he’s been waiting his whole life for Hoseok to return.

He booked the hotel in the casino because he wanted to splash out. Hoseok enjoyed the finer things in life, he enjoyed Hyunwoo’s bravado, the way he can lean into him, knowing that Hyunwoo will take care of everything.

Hoseok's pants tightly wrapped around his thighs, his silk shirt cut low with a band meeting across the top, so to make the deep cut look like a cut out upside down triangle. A thick black leather choker secured around his neck and dark smoky eyes locked on him as he enters the lobby. None of their plans materialises, there’s no dining out.

The make love again and again. Hyunwoo showers him with every last shred of emotion that courses through his body, whispering his darkest secrets, revealing his most vulnerable form. They make love till the sheets clump together against Hyunwoo’s sweat glistened body, they push and pull till Hoseok’s nails have marked the entirety of his body. He can feel the burn of where the nails dug in, raw and red up his thigh, across his back and around his neck.

When his limbs give up, Hoseok’s arms come to wrap themselves around him. They lay there, Hyunwoo's member still buried inside the heat as Hoseok milks him for the fourth time that night. They breathe heavily, chest to chest, Hoseok’s legs locked around his hips.

Just when h=sleep is about to take them, a sudden burst of energy has them going through memory lane. Hoseok giggles into his wet skin as they drink wine and remember the past.The past where Hoseok was Hyunwoo’s everything. Times when they would skip days of college because neither of them wanted to face the world. in the sheets, Hyunwoo orders platter of snacks and bottles of soju. It seemed appropriate.

The only moment he thinks of Minhyuk is when the hotel staff knocks on the door and Hyunwoo tells him to come in. The staff hesitates but slowly wheels the tray into the room, eyes avoiding the figures on the bed. Their forms are partially hidden by the creased sheets and the waitron’s eyes are quick to avoid them.

Hoseok falls against him as he squeals and giggles at the waitron’s expression.

Minhyuk would have never allowed him to do that. If anything, Minhyuk would insist that he opens the door himself.

They make a mess, drinking, eating and talking. Hyunwoo feels younger when he’s with Hoseok. They talk about high school and college, careful to step around the landmine that awaits them.

Hyunwoo doesn’t need to ask because he already knows. Back in their younger day, he saw Hoseok struggling with. So when Hoseok upped and left, it didn’t completely shell shock him but it hurt like hell. Hurt so much, Hyunwoo’s only realised the extent when the pain finally stopped only when he had Hoseok in his arms once again. He had grown so accustomed to having this blank space in his heart, he forgets it was there. Minhyuk had taken up space around it, surrounded it but he could never replace it. Hyunwoo could never let go of Hoseok, for all the pain and anger, he would always take him back.

He never expected Hoseok to come back. Then only had he let Minhyuk in, the only had he considered Minhyuk to be the perfect person for him. In every the very essence, Minhyuk was the complete opposite of Hoseok and that attracted him, that comforted him.

Now the comfort was a reminder of just what he had and still has but not what he came home to.

They were a paradox.

Minhyuk was the sun but Hyunwoo was in love with the moon.