"Welcome back, Miss Manager. Some nice debut on Chinese television you had. How's your bruise by the way?" Luda greeted. 

Bona closed the front door behind her, leaving her suitcase by the coat hanger. She ran to Luda, who sat on the couch, eyeing her with an irked eyebrow as she entered the house. Bona took Luda's laptop and set it aside, then dove face first into her friend's lap. 

"Luda, I need to be cleansed. Go get your sage incense, put me in a bath with salt water, have me in a circle of crystals, or candles, or whatever, then you can walk around me while chanting words I can't understand, or... Just do whatever you have to do."  

"What the hell are you saying?! I thought you didn't believe any of my jujus."  

"I can't afford to be skeptical right now. I'm up for anything that has more than 0.01% chances of working." Bona muttered. 

"You're troubled, alright, I could tell." Luda patted her head. "But what exactly happened? Is it about the airport? I asked around at the agency and they told me you guys were okay, so I didn't worry too much." 

"Luda, she kissed me." Bona took her hands to her own head, grunting afterwards and further burying her face in Luda's lap. "Last night, at the hotel." 

"What?!" Luda yelled. "Who kissed you? It's not who I think it is, is it? No, it can't be. Did you meet some other Chinese beauty over there and get in a hotel with her or something? It can't have been Cheng Xiao..." 

Bona raised her head and showed Luda a squint-eyed glare. 

"Who else would I have shared a hotel room with while traveling for work, you idiot? Who do you take me for?" She took a nearby pillow and smacked it against Luda's stomach, startling her. 

Luda faced ahead, wide-eyed and chin dropped, holding the pillow she'd just been attacked with. Shock forced her to remain silent for a few seconds. 

"W-why did she do that?"  

"Who knows. We still had schedules today and the trip back, but we both pretended nothing happened. I didn't ask." 

Luda took a bit more to think of something to say. Her face gave away how much of a hard time she had processing every small bit of information. 

"Wasn't she supposed to like that guy... Jackson?" 

"Yep." 

"Hm." Luda's eyebrows rose and she frowned. After caressing the back of Bona's head for a few seconds, she asked, "Well, how do you feel about that... having happened?" 

"I hated it. I hated that it only happened once." Bona would have cringed at herself for admitting that out loud, but desperation had already taken her way past the pride barrier. 

"Oh heavens, I knew it." Luda dragged her hands across her own face. "You know, I warned you about this." 

"Save it, Luda. Take the cake, whatever. I'm not having any of that. You were right, happy?" 

"You're unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her." 

Bona winced at the word Luda had just let out of . She never thought it would make sense to use it to refer to anyone other than her own parents... at least not anytime soon. But, as terrifying as it was, what she said made all the sense in the world. 

"Did you just quote Twilight, Luda?" Bona shot up from Luda's lap and sat straight, facing her friend. Her agitation reflected everywhere, from her hot face to the twitchy way she moved. "This is not the time to quote Twilight." 

"Gee, sorry. Just lightening up the mood. I thought you could use a laugh." Although Luda tried to play it cool and nonchalant, Bona could tell she was genuinely sorry and trying to make her feel better. 

Bona sighed, letting her body sink deeper in the couch, and covered her face with her hands. 

"What in the world am I supposed to do now? This can't be happening. I need to stop it now." 

"I hate agreeing with you, but it does need to stop. She is... who she is. And you're her manager. On top of that, you're a woman, too. We don't know if she feels the same about you, but even if she did, just imagine how easy it would be for people to find out... And what it would be like if the story got out." Luda let her gaze drop. 

"I know." Bona bit her lip. "Both our careers would go down the drain, and we would probably get sued. I've worked too hard to be where I am to throw it all out the window like this. And I couldn't possibly put such a weight on her shoulders or dare ask her to take that risk for me. Hell, she can't even know about this." 

"There's no way for you to win in that situation, Bona. Even if she doesn't feel the same, you still have to get over it, because you can't keep spending most of your days reminding yourself of what you can't have. Especially if she decides she still likes Jackson and keeps going on dates with him." Luda took Bona's head and laid it on her own shoulder. "It really pains me to see you suffer like that. I'm an empath, after all, even if at times I'm awfully inconvenient and harsh with you."  

"But how do I stop it, Lulu?" Bona squeezed Luda's arm and shut her eyes. "What do I do? I've never had to deal with any of... this." 

"This what?" 

"Liking someone this way." 

"Really? I thought you liked Xuan Yi before you realized you've actually liked Cheng Xiao for quite some time now." 

Bona opened to argue against Luda's point, but she let it go when she realized Luda was, as always, very probably right about the second part. 

"I adore Xuan Yi. She was the first person I've ever felt connected with in such a special way, and she made me feel all the jitters and butterflies I never had the chance to when growing up. She was my first in a lot of things, actually." Bona cleared  and Luda wiggled her eyebrows. "But we're just really great friends who share a physical attraction for each other. It's not in her nature to be tied to someone else. She likes being a free spirit and seeing the world... other people. Even if she wasn't like that, I don't have that feeling that I need to have her for myself. It's not the same. It's not... this." 

Bona stared at the ceiling, her body weight making her slide off the back of the couch.  

"And that reminds me of how I owe her an apology for being a jerk to her over the phone, all because I was panicking over Cheng Xiao after the airport. You see?" She added. 

"I can't possibly know how that feels, but I understand. I'm not sure how I can help you, though." Luda's gaze dropped to her lap in defeat. 

"Can't you just use one of your spells to make me stop feeling like this?" 

"No, Bbo." Luda smiled sadly. "Changing a heart's ways is dark magic. I don't practice anything close to it. I'm afraid you're going to have to search your own soul for the right thing to do... What I can do is draw you a relaxing bath with healing plants to help you find clarity of mind, and then we do something fun to wind up a bit. How does that sound?" 

"I'll take that any time." Bona showed a genuine, gummy smile at Luda.  

Out of every emotion running through her head at that time, the one that took over her was shame. She was ashamed of herself for making the mistake of feeling this way about Cheng Xiao, out of the billions of people in the world. The dreadful mistake of falling in love, one she wouldn't be able to fix without carving out a piece of her own heart with her bare hands. And worse, she never even saw it coming or could even figure out how and when it had happened. Cheng Xiao had crept into her through the shadows, undetected until the moment she touched her lips to hers. 

But Bona's parents had always told her that the first step to fixing a mistake was admitting it. Now that she'd put it in words and voiced it out loud to Luda, one of the few people she trusted unconditionally, she felt if only a little more confident that she could get past this. It would be a trial, but at least she was never going to be alone. 

Bona left the room with the rest of the management team after their weekly meeting. Now, it was time to follow through with her resolve for the day. 

The therapeutic bath Luda had set for her had done wonders. While the fresh scent of herbs traveled up her nostrils and the candle lights trapped her stare, she'd been able to relax enough to think through her troubles. Now, without debilitating panic clouding her judgment. 

She could only think of how nice would it be to have Cheng Xiao share that bath with her. How the taste of her lips still lingered, how she longed to feel them again. How nice would it be if there was an alternate universe in which she wasn't Cheng Xiao the celebrity, and she wasn't Bona the celebrity manager. In which, of course, Cheng Xiao felt the same for her.  

But as much as it pained her, that wasn't reality and it would never come even close to it.  

So she vowed that, the very next day, she would confront Cheng Xiao and make sure to put an end to anything that brought to surface the pain of imagining Cheng Xiao to be hers. 

As if she'd forgotten the calm of the day before, she took slow, trembling steps towards the company's gym facility. That's where Cheng Xiao had stayed to work out with Siyeon while she attended the meeting. 

"Hey Siyeon, do you mind if I steal Xiao Xiao away for a bit?" Bona waved as she approached the girls. 

"Wow, Manager Kim, are you distracting Xiao from her training regimen?" Siyeon laughed, putting down the weights she was lifting. "You're so lucky, Xiao. If Nayoung came to see me during workouts, it would definitely be to sit on my back while I did push-ups." 

"Oh, don't you worry. It's definitely something important. You bet that when Bona is finished, she'll be dragging my bum right back in here, isn't that right?" Xiao elbowed Bona, grabbing her towel and water bottle. 

"Spot on." Bona smiled without showing her teeth. "Let's go then?" 

Cheng Xiao waved Siyeon goodbye and followed Bona.  

"What is it? Is it about the drama? Siyeon just heard that she was cast as the lead. But when we met with the producers, they nearly guaranteed they'd give me the role." Cheng Xiao said as they made their way, a look of confusion and worry on her eyes. 

"Yeah, I meant to talk about that too. But that's not all. It's sort of personal." Bona answered as she opened the door to a small meeting room and Cheng Xiao followed inside. 

"Personal? What do you mean?" 

Bona took a deep breath and shook her head, trying to distract herself from how damn beautiful she looked, even with zero makeup on, sweaty, and wearing plain workout clothes. 

"I mean what happened at the hotel, Xiao." 

"W-what about it?" Cheng Xiao pursed her lips, as the color in her face faded away. 

"You'd told me to let you know whenever I was uncomfortable with something. I think what happened was a little too much." The words came out just like that. So untruthful they seemed to sting her lips as each sound left her mouth. 

"I thought you were okay with it. You seemed to like it." Cheng Xiao's eyes dropped to the floor, her voice lowering. 

Bona stopped breathing. No, she couldn't let her guard down and give up on what was right, on what had taken her so much nerve to convince herself to do. She willed her voice to keep stable and stern. 

"Well, I've been thinking about it, and this is what I think is best."  

"Okay..." Cheng Xiao bit her lip and blinked a few times, then raised her head to meet Bona's eyes. In that moment she might as well have ripped Bona's heart out of her chest, because it would have hurt less. "But you know I meant that as a friendly gesture, right? I didn't have any sort of... deeper intentions with it. I just wanted to show you how much I appreciate you. You know I like Jackson." 

She'd kissed her lips as a friendly gesture. And of course she still liked Jackson. Bona knew that was the kind of answer she should expect, and yet, why did she hate to hear it so much? And why did Cheng Xiao seem just as insincere as she was being herself? This time, she looked like the actress she was, and not herself. Was it only Bona's wishful thinking?  

It wouldn't do her any good to dwell on it though, because if Cheng Xiao was lying, it would actually be worse. 

"I know all of that. But I must also think as a manager, and you know how easy it is to misinterpret this kind of gestures, even if the meaning is clear to us. It might not be so for other people, and it's way too easy for anyone to have the media pick up on it and make up a huge story.  For that reason, I think we should keep our demonstrations of affection more... conventional."  

Cheng Xiao stared at her in silence, her eyes wide, her face still and unreadable. Bona would steal all the money in the world if that meant she could see what was going on in that head of hers. 

"You're absolutely right. I'm sorry. I have to be more careful of how my actions could reflect on my image." She nodded. 

"It's all good. I'm happy you understand. No hard feelings?" Bona forced the corners of her lips upwards. 

"Not at all, Bona. I know that above being my friend, you must be my manager. And you balance both roles perfectly, like you always have." Cheng Xiao smiled back and extended her arms. "Hug?" 

"Sure." 

Bona approached her and wrapped her arms around Cheng Xiao, resting her face on her shoulder. She felt herself pulled by a magnetic temptation to hold her, to claw onto her and stop her from going, to admit that she'd lied based on an unfair notion of right and wrong, to tell her exactly how she felt and kiss her again. But Bona was strong and there could be no magnetism if they were two of the same pole.  

After the tough personal conversation with Cheng Xiao, Bona filled her in on details from the meeting. Siyeon had indeed been surprisingly cast for the big drama part the producers had promised to her. The good news was there would be another casting in a few days, this time for a cable channel drama. It wasn’t as big, but it was a good opportunity nonetheless. As the angel Cheng Xiao was, she was confused rather than upset, and showed her delight with her friend Siyeon finally landing the major part she deserved. Cheng Xiao had done quite a few, so she was more than happy someone else got the chance. 

Not to let herself ruminate on the feelings that constantly threatened to resurface, Bona left Cheng Xiao with Siyeon at the gym again, then went to take care of her other pending personal business.  

She knocked on the door with the sign 'Post-production 1', her fingers fidgeting, her lips pressed, and her eyes tightly shut as the door opened. She had no idea what to expect. She hadn't even as much as talked to her after that phone call, but seeing her… 

"Yes?" Xuan Yi had a dryness to her voice, an annoyed frown on her face. 

"I was hoping we could talk." 

"Is now a good time?" Xuan Yi shot back.  

"I deserved that." Bona sighed.  

"Come in." Xuan Yi chuckled softly. As she did, Bona's shoulders relaxed.  

Xuan Yi sat at the desk and Bona closed the door behind her. Post production rooms were completely dark, the only source of light being the three large monitors on top of the desk. Xuan Yi had once explained to her this was to guarantee the photo editing wouldn't be influenced by the color temperature of the light. Although Bona was normally fascinated with Xuan Yi's work and all the quirks it entailed, right now she had to admit she'd chosen an awfully dark and uninviting place to have such a conversation.  

"Xuan Yi, I can't stand it for you to be mad at me. I'm really, really sorry about the way I treated you on the phone. You were just worried about me and trying to help and I shut you down." 

"Are you sorry because you're sorry or just because I'm mad?" Xuan Yi said calmly, yet her big round eyes showed a tinge of fierceness.  

"What?" Bona scrunched her eyebrows.  

Xuan Yi turned her chair around to face her, an elbow resting on the desk.  

"Sometimes I feel like you only care when I'm no longer there for you, but it doesn't matter when I am." 

"No, that's not it at all. I am truly sorry, Xuan Yi, and I am grateful that you cared about me. I know being stressed doesn't excuse my attitude, but it wasn't exactly me speaking." 

"Why didn't you call me later? Why didn't you come see me when you came back?" Xuan Yi insisted.  

"I was ashamed and I felt so bad about it I kept chickening out." Bona sighed and leaned on the desk beside her. "I just wasn't ready to deal with you speaking like this on the phone, when I was away and couldn't see your face. I really like you, Xuan Yi. If you didn't matter to me, I wouldn't be feeling this way." 

Xuan Yi pouted and stared at the ceiling for a while. "I pushed your buttons when you were stressed out too. I guess we're even." 

"So you'll forgive me?" Bona asked eagerly, a hint of relief in her voice.  

"You know those puppy eyes of yours make my knees weak. That's low and definitely not fair." Xuan Yi smirked. 

"I don't like playing fair." Bona cocked an eyebrow.  

"You don't." Xuan Yi stood up to meet Bona's level and pinned her hands on the desk, her face now a breath away. "So maybe you need to be disciplined into playing nice." 

"Maybe I do." 

---

A/N: So here's another chapter of Bona's conflicts. I hate taking this long to update, but work has been just insane and I don't have as much time to dedicate as I would like :( 

Also, have you guys heard of Xiao being in PD101 China with Jackson? I originally chose this really random pairing simply because he's one of my favorite male idols and his persona fit well with the kind of character I wanted to go for with Xiao's initial love interest. Now I totally need to include this show on the story haha :)

Thank you for supporting me!