A/N The inspiration for this fic comes from the end of a 6 year long relationship and this song right here! 

It had been 3 months since Jung Hoseok had left you, not even glancing back as you’d crumpled to the floor in the middle of your bright, sunny apartment that seemed to suit his personality so well. You’d been together for three years and everything had seemed so perfect in your lives and your relationship until a few months prior to that night. You knew that he’d been cheating on you, but you loved him too much to let go. You’d known he’d been lying to you but had chosen to ignore it. You kept clinging on to every tiny shred of hope that you could find within yourself, refusing to acknowledge that the love of your life didn’t love you anymore. You’d known that he’d fallen out of love with you, fallen in love with someone else somewhere along the way, but you had locked that piece of information away in a box using the biggest padlock you could find and buried it deep down inside. You hadn’t wanted to accept it, had blatantly refused to accept it.  It wasn’t until that fateful night that you’d been forced to accept the reality you had been trying so hard to deny, when he’d uttered those four little words that seemed to bring your world crashing down around you. I don’t love you.

It had taken 3 months and a lot of hard work to get yourself to where you currently were at this exact moment. Rushing around your new, tiny apartment, grabbing the things you’d need to take with you for a night out with the girls. They’d been with you every step of the way, slowly and surely helping you to regain the confidence you’d lost due to those four small words. The first month, you’d refused to leave your new apartment. Your girlfriends had gone to collect your belongings from the apartment you used to share with the man who could light up your entire life with just a smile.

You hadn’t been able to bring yourself to leave your bed. You didn’t have the motivation to feed yourself properly, gorging on junk food while watching drama’s you probably shouldn’t have, surrounded by used tissues. They made you remember things that you didn’t want to remember. Each memory seeming to shatter your heart over and over again. When one scene played of a man whispering to a young woman that he would love her forever you shut off the TV, throwing the remote at it. A memory flashed across your mind.

It had been yours and Hoseok’s 6 month anniversary. He’d chosen that day to tell you that he loved you for the first time. He had prepared a picnic and had taken you to one of your favourite parks. The Cherry Blossom tree’s were in full bloom and it was completely and utterly beautiful. You were captivated by the beauty of the place and Hoseok had been completely and utterly captivated by you. He hadn’t been able to stop himself from uttering the words as he’d drawn you into his arms, wrapping them around you. The sun had been shining, making his hair seem to glow, the smile on his face almost as bright as the sunlight its self. He’d kissed you tenderly, gently whispering against your lips. I love you. I love you so much. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you. I think I’ll love you forever.

You curled up into a ball, a new wave of tears beginning to drench your pillow.

Your friends had finally had enough after the first month, forcing you out of bed and into the shower. They were adamant that you were going out with them for drinks, even if you drank too much that night. They didn’t care, they just wanted you to heal and they knew that you wouldn’t be able to do so cooped up in the depressingly small apartment you were living in.

You’d let them dress you up in a tight black dress, you’d let them do your makeup and style your hair and you’d gone with them. You drank a lot that night, trying to take your mind off of the man that you loved so deeply. Everything seemed to remind you of him. The two obviously in love college students messing around on the small dance floor at the back, reminding you of the time that you and Hoseok had had a bit too much to drink and decided to have a dance off in the middle of a bar in your own college years. You’d remembered how he’d looked that night, how happy he was. The bright smile that was as blinding as the sun to you, the way his eyes sparkled as he’d laughed at your terrible dance moves.

Your eyes had begun to well up with tears as you’d turned back to the bar, but you’d refused to cry. You’d knocked back your shot of tequila, relishing the burn as it worked it’s way down your throat. You’d ordered another, knocking that one back just as quickly. You’d closed your eyes with a small sigh, deciding to get a longer drink and get back to your girlfriends before they missed you. As you’d spun around on slightly unsteady feet, you’d bumped into someone walking past you. Your breath had caught in your throat as you’d looked up into those same sparkling eyes that you’d loved to lose yourself in. The shine had seemed to leave the beautiful orbs as he’d stared back at you. You’d whispered a small sorry, rushing around him, refusing to look at the woman he was with. You’d known it was her and you hadn’t been able to bring yourself to look at her. You hadn’t wanted to see how good she was for him compared to you, hadn’t wanted to see how pretty she was compared to you.

You’d realised that your groups table wasn’t far enough away from the bar for your liking, as you’d sat there listening to Hoseok’s laugh and his new love’s melodious voice. You’d realised, sitting there downing drink after drink, that Hoseok had changed. They’d been talking about their day out at a local amusement park, another crack forming in the heart that you’d been trying to glue back together. Hoseok hated amusement parks, he’d always refused to go on the rides with you. He’d done it, for her. You’d looked at him from the corner of your eye, noting that he’d been dressed differently than he would have been if it was you with him instead. Slacks and a button up, shiny black shoes. Hoseok hated to wear things like that, he liked to be comfortable. You’d wondered if he’d gone on the rides with her dressed like that. You’d felt another crack form.

That night, and practically every weekend, you’d gotten blindingly drunk and gone home with whoever was willing to take you. You realised now that it was because of the loneliness that had seemed to engrave itself deep into your being. You’d hoped meaningless would fill the void that Hoseok had left within your soul. You realised now that it was pointless.

Hoseok would always hold a piece of your heart. Little things still reminded you of him wherever you looked. Street dancers reminded you of when Hoseok would do the same in college. Going to the mall made you think of how excited he would be, wanting to go into every single store. The box of photo’s you’d found that your friends had obviously tried to hide from you. Seeing other men wearing sweater’s similar to his. Getting a whiff of the aftershave he wore. Everything reminded you of him. You also knew that the love that you had with Hoseok was possible to achieve again, you just had to find the right person.

That meant putting yourself out there. Hoseok had moved on before your relationship had even ended, and you knew now that it was your turn to try. You gave yourself one last look in the mirror, giving yourself the first true smile that you had given anyone in months. You were nowhere near fully healed. You knew that if Hoseok wanted you again, you’d go running back without a second thought. You knew the possibility of that was next to none, but that didn’t change the fact that you would.

The bar you went to with your friends was loud, filled with people having a good time and enjoying their life. You made it your mission for the night to join them in their happiness. You were still broken, but you felt that you were getting there, slowly but surely. The pain you felt when you thought of Hoseok, of the memories that you shared together, had started to ebb slightly. It was slowly becoming more bearable.

You danced, you had fun with your friends. A really cute guy had even bought you a drink and asked you out on a date, which you’d accepted. You drank too much tonight, but you didn’t care. As long as you were having fun. You were on the small dance floor, not caring about all of the sweaty bodies around you. You closed your eyes as your body swayed to the music, flashes of light drifting across your closed eyelids from the strobe lights bathing the dancefloor.

You felt a body press against your back, arms coming up to wrap around your waist. It was a familiar feeling and you leant back into the embrace, taking a moment to remember that it couldn’t be who you thought it was. He didn’t love you anymore. You weren’t together anymore.  You turned around, looking up at the beautiful face of the man that you loved more than you loved yourself. You went to move away, but he just gripped you tighter, swaying with you to the sound of the music. Your breath caught, as he brought his mouth close to your ear, murmuring the words that you’d longed to hear for the past three months to you so only you could hear. I made a mistake, I’m sorry. I love you. 

 

© baepsae-butterfly oct 2017