- FIVE - 

She was in grieving phase after the breakup. But unlike the others, the situation made her skipped some stages down to the initial acceptance, holding up her end of the breakup because she had to, not because she wanted to. It’s just so hard to feel brokenhearted when you have a dying dad who was in need of your full concern, that Jisoo almost thought it was a good distraction to her lost.

Almost.

Since it was a watershed for her; afterward, her life would never be the same. The downfall always came at night, when she got all the time for herself and the only thing she could do was living the real grief. It’s hard to forget someone whom you’ve imagined spending forever with. In three years period, Sehun had become her everything. He’s the one who had brought the most of her, the one who diminished her timidity into confidence, and the one who took her to the new world called socialization. It’s a long period of relationship.

She still wanted him, but she also wanted to get over him. Yet neither were happening. While the hardest thing of breaking up with Sehun wasn’t the goodbye itself, but rather learning how to live her life without him anymore. She continuously dreamt about him, and in it they would plead and promise each other to try again. Then when she woke up she’d cry, but it couldn’t be too loud so she wouldn’t wake up her dad from his rest. She held it between the sobs, making sure there wouldn’t be any sound at her most vulnerable time.

There were times she would sit staring at her phone, considering to respond his relentless call and text. But it’s always end with her backing off. She was leveled by the breakup and had difficulty letting go, in part because it shattered her relationship with hope. But as acceptance deepened, she wanted to move forward to the possibility that she just might be okay without him. She wanted to believe of which those said the new beginnings so often disguised as painful endings.

Ignoring all the efforts of communication, and given the sobs at night, Jisoo grew lackadaisical. She was tired and somnolent that greyish dark circles were so apparent on her eyes. She couldn’t concentrate when the team doctors made a visit to her dad and talked to her for some procedures. All she could comprehend was that they would do series of endoscopy to bind the swollen varices on his esophagus, as well as on his stomach to check more bleeding source since he apparently also suffered from a peptic ulcer.

Yeonseok also informed her that they had put him into the list of liver transplant donor. But the case was, even his dad was given a priority by the Network of Organ Sharing to be on top of the list, donors for the liver were quite rare. They at least needed someone who was brain dead or in a vegetative state to get a family permission in order to donate the patient's organs. Too few families were willing to accept this request, they preferred the patients who died buried or cremated in one piece.

As wrong as it sounded, Jisoo couldn’t stop praying that someone would die and their family willed to donate their liver so his dad could live longer.

Jongdae didn’t fail to notice the change of behavior on her. One morning on the fourth day after the breakup, he came to her holding out his phone when they had lunch together at the hospital cafeteria.

“Sehun wants to speak to you.”

Jisoo only raised her head from the food she was staring only to shake her head and bowed down again.

“Sorry, Dude, she can’t take your call right now. I’ll make sure to have her getting back at you when she’s available.” She heard him ending their conversation in two or three more sentences, then he popped down to a chair across her.

“Why does he keep pestering my phone line instead of calling you? What happens with your phone? And why are you avoiding his calls? Are you guys fighting?”

“One question at a time, Jongdae.” She said lazily, resting her head on her hand with the elbow on the table.

She heard him sigh. “What’s going on, Jee? Why do you act like someone just stole your lunch?” asked he more patiently now.

“We broke up, that’s why.”

“You what? Why?”

When she looked up for the second time, she was confronted by a confused expression on Jongdae's face. He had no idea about anything, for the past few days the boy was likely thought her swollen face was due to fatigue and cried too much for the thought of her dad. She felt guilty for him. Usually they always talked about everything, and although he sometimes whined too much for being a dustbin, Jongdae was a good listener. Sooner or later he would know what happened anyway, so Jisoo thought now was the right time to tell him.

She wiped her sluggish face and told him everything. All with no exception, of what the doctors said about his dad disease, what Yeonseok said about his state of condition, about her dad request, and what happened to her and Sehun at the rooftop the other day. She was so tired even to cry, as if like her eyes were getting dry from the tears.

“.” Was the only thing Jongdae said after the long story. “As much as I hate you lovebirds getting all mushy mushy like the world only belongs to you two, I never thought it’s going to end like this.”

“Me neither.”

“Will you be okay with this? I mean, Doctor Yoo acts so indifferently, nobody would think that your dad wants you to marry him.”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I don’t