I hate you. I hate your stupid puppy eyes and your oh-so-perfect hair you pay entirely too much attention to. You‘ve always spent too much time in the bathroom every morning, even when you knew the stylists would do it better. Maybe you just wanted to look good in front of them

I hate that I dream about you. Almost every night. Must be because I think of you all day. It’s not even my fault, it’s just that everything around me reminds me of you. A picture, a song, a word. A reference to a joke we once made makes me furious I can’t laugh with you about it.

I hate that you can come and go unaffected, and everytime you change your mind you break all the walls I built up, every small piece of self-conrol like it was never there.  Just when I thought I was over you, just when I thought we were both over this and everything was fine. Nobody noticed there was this thing between us, nobody noticed us kissing in the hallway back when we were still rookies and we were young and naive, and I pushed you away, telling you that this couldn’t happen. I thought we were over this and then, when I think I have finally managed to forget, you come back. And I had to reject you again.

I hate that I have to regret the decisions I made about us. Even if we will both be happy with someone else someday, I will always regret  not giving you a chance in the first place. I will never know if it could have lasted, if we could have overcome the obstacles. I was a coward, but so were you. You really thought I didn’t want you anymore, how could you. You must have seen how I was looking at you. How could you not notice that time I almost kissed you after we first talked again.

I hate that you destroy every relationship I’ve ever had. You don’t even have to talk to me, you don’t even have to be present. It’s just the fact that all I can think of when I kiss somebody else that this could have been you. And from then on, everything is only a matter of time. I’ll compare them to you. Always. And I know I won’t ever know if you would have been a better choice. Because I never gave you the chance to prove it. And still, the words are flooding my mind. What if?

I hate your attitude. You act like it’s all your fault and apologize for everything when you know we’re both responsible for this mess. I know I pushed you away, but so did you. You wanted me to be happy with somebody else, like you wouldn’t be enough. You didn’t know that I just wanted you back, you fool. We both didn’t fight because we thought we had no chance.

I hate that I still have feelings for you. Even after quitting, even after moving far away, you still affect me.  I want to marry her eventually, I want to finally let go of the past, I don’t want to think of you anymore.

I hate that I can’t let go. My head just keeps spinning with scenarios and what-ifs and how-could-I-ever-be-like-thats.

I hate you, I really want to hate you. I will never tell you, but you’ll aways know, that  actually, I just hate that I’m still in love with you.

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A/N: So, I wrote this thingy really long ago, but I just found it somewhere between my notes for school (I'm not even in school anymore) and decided to share it with you :)