The kiss was gentle and soft. Just like Youngjae has been imagining perfect kiss. There was no cravings in it, just pure uninfected with dirty uality. It was pleasant, soft feeling and butterflies in Youngjae’s belly were flying up and down and left and right and generally all over the place. Daehyun’s lips were crushing into Youngjae’s, they were more like delicately pressed, like a fluffy pillows. To Youngjae’s relief he wasn’t trying to put the tongue in. The kiss didn’t last for long. Daehyun, almost as if he wasn’t sure of his actions quickly pulled himself away.

“Sorry.” He mumbled and the lava lamp on his night-table. The light filled the room with warmness. Youngjae couldn’t not notice that the light lamp was giving wasn’t yellowish but slightly red, which caused white walls to dye into the colour of soft pinks.

Youngjae blinked faintly. He couldn’t understand why Daehyun did what he did. Was it because Youngjae refused to have with him? He wanted at least steal a kiss? But if it was so then the kiss would have been more passionate and harsh and it wasn't. It was... almost loving but Youngjae was too scared to say it out loud even in his head. Word "loving" was crawling in the corners of his head but he knew too well that letting this thought to himself could lead to stopping his heart.

"Do you mind if I smoke here?" asked Daehyun softly. He was sitting on his pillow with his back touching the wall. The light from is lava lamp was moving around his face, exposed chest and hands lying on the sheets. Seeing that Youngjae also sat up straight. He didn't want to lie there still vulnerable and fragile. After all it probably meant nothing to Daehyun. And Youngjae didn't want his crush to see his exposed delicate (and most probably heart-broken in a few minutes) side.

"Sure." he stuttered and thought that it's weird since Daehyun had never smelt like cigarettes. And he definitely (Youngjae gulped) didn't taste like them either. Daehyun got up and put on shirt lying nearby. He didn't bother to button it up and started searching for cigarettes in his desk. Finally he fished out small, red, creasy box and the lighter. There was something chaotic and rushed in his moves, in the way he was opening and closing the shelf.

Daehyun sat back on the bed and waved his hand. Youngjae crooked his head not knowing what did the latter mean.

"Could you... emm... move a little... I could open the window..." mumbled Daeyun. Youngjae without a word moved away from the window. Only now he nothing that this is the only window in the room. Daehyun walked through the bed, visibly avoiding touching Youngjae (which stinged him a little bit in the heart) and casually sat on the windowsill with one leg crossed and the other hanging out.

Youngjae bit his lower lip watching Daehyun light up the cigarette. The latter inhaled deeply the smoke and leaned his hand over his knee.

"I didn't know that you smoke." said Youngjae finally, breaking the awkward silence. Night air was chilly but not as fresh as he expected. Probably because of the smoke.

"I don't." replied Daehyun shortly and put the cigarette back between his plump, pink lips. The light was still dancing on his right profile while te rest was hidden in the gentle darkness of the night. Smoking cigarette was glowing like a little firefly.

"But you're smoking now." pointed Youngjae "It's bed for your health." he added and turned his eyes away from Daehyun.

He heard that Daehyun sharply inhaled the smoke. Almost as if he was shocked with something.

"Why would you care about my health?" he asked finally causing Youngjae to fix his eyes on Daehyun again.

"Did I make it quite clear few minutes ago?" he asked.                                                                                 

Daehyun smiled and put the cigarette down. It must left a burnt trace on the sill.

"Well if you must know, I only smoke when I'm nervous. It calms me down." he said and leaned his hands behind his head. The moon peeked from behind the clouds and moonlight covered Daehyun's handsome face.

Youngjae was in awe. He was scared. He didn't know what was happening. This whole night was a one big mess and he didn't understand a thing. But he regretted nothing. He could watch Daehyun doing all these things, he never thought he would witness in his life time.

"You're quite beautiful you know..." mumbled Youngjae. He knew that he couldn't possible put himself in worse situation so he had nothing to lose. Something inside was telling him that Daehyun wouldn't tell that to anyone.

Daehyun chuckled and Youngjae's heart melt once again.

"People mostly call me handsome you know?" he said and looked at the moon "Looks like it's full moon today. No wonder that I'm not sleepy."

"I don't sleep well whenever it's full moon too!" Youngjae couldn't hide his excitement. One of the first thing they had in common!

"Guess that makes us full moon partners, huh?" asked Daehyun and his eyes landed on Youngjae. The latter shivered, not knowing if it's because of these eyes or words.

"I guess so..."

Youngjae bit his cheek and his mouth filled with metallic taste of blood. He gulped the saliva and blood and picked up the subject.

"What I meant..." he took a small break and take a deep breath, he was about to say what he has been hiding inside of him for way too many years "What I meant by saying that you're beautiful is that you're not only... well... nice looking" he blushed hearing that words out of his own mouth "But also... you seem beautiful from the inside..." he finished and felt a great urge to bury his nose in the pillow next to him. That was way too much. His heart was pounding.

"Stress leads to the majority of heart diseases." crossed Youngjae's mind and damn yeah, he was stressed.

The silence was spinning out but he didn't want to rush Daehyun. If he had anything to say at all.

"I'm not beautiful inside Youngjae." said Daehyun softly. "I'm sorry to say that but I'm ugly and rotten on the outside and in the inside. Look at me." he said and turned to Youngjae. The moon behind his wide shoulders and blonde hair was lighting up his silhouette "I'm well known for being a -boy. I'm stupid. My personality isn't interesting at all. Even my mum knows how it is. I don't have anything except of my stupid face which isn't even my contribution. It's the genes. Youngjae look at me I say. I'm not beautiful. I'm not even close to being beautiful. Look wat I wanted to do with such a pure human being like you. I dared to touch you stupid me. I wanted to thank you but I ed up even more. Even if I try, I just don't do anything good. I'm not beautiful Youngjae, I'm doomed and I know that. So basically... I'm shouldn't be the person you like. Sorry."

Youngjae's eyes were burning hot, he wanted to cry so much after hearing what Daehyun thinks about himself. Who would think that this confident boy, thinks so low about himself. Youngjae was speechless. He knew that Daehyun wasn't that confident bastard everyone thinks he is but... he didn't think it was this bad. The parts in which Daehyun said that he shouldn't be the person who Youngjae likes... It was painful but it wasn't as painful as knowledge that Daehyun didn't see himself in the light in which Youngjae saw him.

Youngjae got up and sat on the corner of windowsill next to Daehyun. The look the latter gave him was full of pain.

"I don't think that you're ugly and rotten. You're just lost." started Youngjae.

"But-"

"Now you listen to me Daehyun." cut Youngjae sharply "I've been watching you for years. Year after year, closer and farer, but most from really far away, I was watching you. You're only move. I saw you changing slowly but the more you were changing into the person you are right now, the more I was understanding that in reality nothing has changed. You are still the same delicate and intelligent person. The way you speak, the way you look, everything about you screams that you are not who people saw in you. And honestly? It was so weird. I felt as if people were talking about different Daehyun. I mean... look. Daehyun they these people know wouldn't respect any of my decisions. And you did. You did respect it to the point that surprised even more."

"But I've kissed you..." said Daehyun and rubbed Youngjae's hand with his little finger.

"You did but..." Youngjae wanted to say more he wanted to say how the kiss felt like but he couldn't, he just couldn't. Some of the words which needed to be used... he knew that he wouldn't be able to speak them up.

Daehyun seemed to understand the silence. He sighed.

"It's the first time I've kissed anyone that way. You made me realise that..." he took a deep breath "...that I didn't want your body, I just wanted to be close."

A thunder went down Youngjae spine and he felt sweat forming on his neck. What was Daehyun saying?

"I've been watching you for years, year after year. From far away. You thought you were observer but the truth is that you were the object of observation."

"I-"

"Stop. I don't want any answer and questions. Just let me finish... Don't ask me why I turned to the image everyone knows me under... I honestly don't know. Maybe it's the fact that from my early years people were pointing that if I have sweet face then that means that my mind is narrow? I don't know. One day I understood that I can have at least friends and people close by well... dragging them to my bed. And they seemed to like it! I was so happy. But then I realised that the more people come to my room, to further you are. But I... I just didn't know how to stop. It was too late. And I was too broken to even approach you. And then this evening... It came so unexpected and I really wanted to pay you off. I was sure that you may be disgusted with me but I was hoping that maybe you at least like my body... Like everyone else. I was wrong. And I deeply apologize. I really wanted this to mean something, I just didn't know how to show that.

The lonely cicada outside started its midnight's concert. Soon whole choir was playing with her.

"It's so weird Daehyun." said Youngjae "Why were we so far from each other if both of us wanted to be close?"

"Because of me." replied Daehyun and you could hear in his voice that his heartbroken.

"No. Because of how wrong people perceive you."

“If I wasn’t there, there would be nothing to perceive.” Pointed Daehyun and Youngjae groaned.

“We have to work on your self-esteem.” He said.

“We?”

“Yes. Together we can-“

“I’m gonna stop you here Youngjae.” Said Daehyun and put his hand on Youngjae shoulder. His dark eyes were glowing in the soft pink light. The most beautiful eyes Youngjae has ever seen. “I don’t ask for your help. I don’t want you pity. I don’t even ask you to return my feeling but you have done it already by yourself. All I needed was this one evening with you, even if it meant only talking about this stupid project. And you’ve done it. I can’t believe how perfect and kind you really why and that’s why I can’t take advantage of you. The last thing you need is being called my another lover.”

Youngjae knew that what Daehyun was saying was making a logical sense but he also knew he can’t leave him. Not now. Not when it turned out that unimaginable thing was real, that there were feelings inside of them which could just click on so easily.

“I want to help you.” He whispered. “This is my decision.”

“At this point I don’t want your help. I can’t bring myself into your life. At least not yet. Don’t say anything. Just accept that I would feel bad if you did anything more for me now.”

Daehyun slid down of the windowsill, crossed the bed and sat on the chair.

“Sorry about that but I don’t think I’m able to just sit next to you, the urge is just too big.” He explained.

Youngjae shivered under his words. He wasn’t sure what kind of urge Daehyun meant and that scared him a little bit too much. After all Daehyun still didn’t know why Youngjae said “no” to his proposition. He could read it in the wrong way. And he probably did, he probably just assumed that Youngjae just didn’t want to have with some random guy. He cleared his throat faintly. This needed to be explained. Here he is trying to convince his long-time crush that the crush himself is worthy enough to get closer to him while he didn’t even know the whole truth about Youngjae.

He was playing with the corner of Daehyun shirt on a while, feeling dark eyes on his body.

“You mean…” he gulped “What kind of urge?”

“To touch you.” Said Daehyun “As simple as that.”

Youngjae felt a blush crawling down his cheeks. Luckily for him he coud just blame the colour of his face on lighting.

“You mean… in what way?”

Daehyun hissed loudly. The mixture of blame, embarrassment and maybe a little dose of pain appeared on his face.

“N-no-ot-not-“ he stuttered “Not in a ual way.”

Youngjae sighed with relief.

“Sorry for asking I should put more faith in you.” He said and blushed again, he felt dirty for even thinking that Daehyun could try something again. It was his Daehyun, he should believe in him yet…

“Don’t be sorry! I gave you all the reasons to think that!” Daehyun got up from his spinning chair and started walking around the room and gesticulate. His silhouette’s shadow was dancing on the pinkish wall as he was moving around “I mean… I’m really sorry again. Oh Gosh, I think I’m gonna apologize for that till the end of my life! I can’t believe I just simply assumed that you would… Oh my God Youngjae, you are so perfect, so pure, too good for me. I mean I can’t believe I’ve actually thought that you’re just gonna jump into my bed like any other person. Considering we weren’t even close! I mean I…”

Daehyun was flooding Youngjae with wave of apologizes but the latter’s mind was now on something else. He could right here and right now blow out all the doubts Daehyun could have. He could just admit that it’s not that he didn’t want to sleep with Daehyun today- he just didn’t want to do it with anyone. Youngjae’s mind was blurry but at the same time clear as a tear. He was stressed and scared and happy all at once. He was sure of one thing- he needed to be honest. Here and now.

“Daehyun.” Youngjae’s voice was surprisingly strong. It instantly stopped Daehyun from talking, he faced the black haired boy and crooked his head.

Youngjae tried to say something but this time no words come out of his mouth. Damn he was stressed. He sighed.

“Could you come closer because I don’t know if I’m able to say that out loud.”

With the speed of the light Daehyun was back on the sill, next to Youngjae. The adrenaline started rushing through Youngjae’s veins as he felt a slightly touch on his wrist  coming from Daehyuns side. He looked up to meet brownish orbs staring right into him.

“You can tell me anything… I won’t tell anyone, no matter what it is.” Whispered Daehyun and let out a quiet chuckle “Believe me I treasure your words to me so highly that I wouldn’t share them with anyone. They are mine one told.” He gently rubbed Youngjae’s thumb trying to assure him of his good intentions.

Youngjae took a deep breath and parted his lips but again no sound came out of it. He look at Daehyun.

“Could you leant a little bit closer? I think it’s going to be easier for me if I whisper…” he said shyly. The situation couldn’t get any more awkward anyway.

“So here’s the thing Daehyun…” Youngjae heart was ready to jump off his chest, he hadn’t guts to tell this to his parents but there he was about to say it to his long-time crush which could literally crash any vision of their relationship “Here’s the thing…” his voice suddenly dropped very very quiet and Daehyun leant even closer. His scent got into Youngjae’s nose and he found this smell too addictive, to just lose it so quickly. But he knew he couldn’t have it without truth being told “Here’s the thing. It’s not that I didn’t want to have with you today it’s… I don’t think I will ever want for my own pleasure…”

There he was. He said it out loud.

Daehyun moved away and Youngjae saw in his eyes that he was lost.

“You wanna keep us on the friendship stage?” asked Daehyun finally and Youngjae couldn’t help but giggle. He could have foreseen that.

“No silly… I just don’t see myself in any kind of ual situation… I don’t crave for and it’s not you nor anyone. It’s me. That’s…” he exhaled loudly “…kind of my uality.”

The room went silent and the cicadas outside finished their private concert. Youngjae could have sworn he heart his own heartbeat mixed with Daehyun’s uneven breath. He was too stress to look into his face. The heavy minutes were passing and nothing was changing. Just cold night air, reddidh lava lamp and heartbeat.

“So you have never been into my body?” Daehyun’s voice was hoarse as if he was crying for a really long time.

“No even for a second.” Said Youngjae and smiled faintly to himself. Sure DAehyun was cute but it wasn’t his face what was the most attractive thing about him. It was just… he himself.

“So you just really like me the way I am? For my personality?” Daehyun’s voice was seriously breaking down as he was speaking which caused Youngjae to look up at him. Big tears were strolling down Daehyun’s cheeks. His eyes were all watery. Daehyun caught Youngjae’s stare and tried to hide his face behind his palm. Youngjae gently grabbed his wrist and brought the hand down.

“I really like you for who you are in the inside.” He said and, what surprised himself, placed a soft kiss on the top of Daehyun’s nose. When he was about to move away, a little bit ashamed for himself, he felt strong arms around his waist. He froze. Daehyun was hugging his, hugging him tightly and moreover crying into his shirt. Youngjae put his hands around Daehyun’s neck and gently hair of the sobbing male. He didn’t know what else he could do but he knew that he wasn’t going anywhere.

When the boys finally moved away from each other the clock was showing that it’s after 2 o’clock. Daehyun rubbed his eyes.

“I don’t know if it’s because if the tears or because I’m sleepy.” He joked and Youngjae smiled “It’s been a while since the last time I’ve cried like that.” He sighed.

“Sometimes it’s good to cry you know…”

“But it’s embarrassing!”

“I won’t tell anyone.” Promised Youngjae.

“I know.”

“You should probably go sleep anyway…”

“And you?” Daehyun’s face was so close to Youngjae and he was whispering.

“Me too.” Chuckled Youngjae “As long as you won’t try anything stupid.”

Daehyun theatrically grabbed his chest.

“Ah, ah, how could you suggest that Youngjae?”

Both boys burst into laughter and the atmosphere in the room light up a little bit. The tension was gone. Daehyun got up and left saying that he’s going to bring some extra blanket. Meanwhile Youngjae got under the sheets and buried his nose in the silky pillow. It was really soft and smelt like Daehyun. He smiled to the pillow. This day (and night) was so much more than he expected it to be. His crush was literally returning his feelings.

                                                               -----------------------------------

Daehyun’s POV

This night is literally crazy. I don’t know what’s going on… Youngjae just… Out of this word… Kinder than the kindest king, purer than the smallest fairy. I’m too blessed to be in the same room with him. Not to mention sleeping under the same cover. Bruh, I don’t know what was I thinking earlier… Now, only a thought of touching Youngjae in the way he may not like makes me wanna puke. I see in his eyes that he really likes me. Unbelievable. But true. And oh God I want to have him tugged right next to me. But I can’t I know I can’t for now even if he doesn’t like it. Ok time to come back with this blanket, he may get suspicious. He’s smart after all.

“Hey Youngjae! I’ve got the blanket for myself!” I say as I open the door. He’s already lying in my bed, hugging my pillow. I think I’m having a heart attack. He gives me the asking look he sometimes gives to our teachers. ‘I’m gonna sleep under the blanket so you would feel safer.” I mean it’s pretty good that he still hasn’t ran away, Im not taking any chance to freak him out even more.

“But-“ he tries to deny but I’m faster.

“I love this blanket actually and I will be very sad if you won’t let me sleep under it now.” I grin with victory. I know he doesn’t believe me but at least he’s not grumpy.

I lie next to him and turn off the light. The only source of the light is moon. How romantic. So it’s the right time to say that.

“Youngjae, I have one final plea.” I can feel his body near me despite that there’s a blanket and a cover between us. I really want to hug him but I fight the urge. Yes, that will be my job from now on.

“Yes?” he asks and I can hear that he’s sleepy. Cute.

“I’m ready to believe you that you like me… And believe me nothing makes me happier than this.  I would take your affection whole if I could. But my previous words were truth. I can’t be with you. Not yet. So let’s make a deal.” I clear my throat “Let me improve myself. For you and for me. I want to give up on my previous image completely, I want to be more successful student. Give me time. Give me time till the end of the school year. Maybe until then I will be worthy enough to be your boyfriend.” I declare.

“I accept you as you are right now.” I hear back.

“I know. But as I said it’s not just for you, it’s also, or maybe mostly, for me. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with you being the person I am right now.”

“You mean, the person you are perceived as right now?” asks Youngjae. He’s really sweet.

“Whatever.” I take a small break “So what would you say? Are we having a deal?”

Youngjae hums. He has such a beautiful voice but I can’t concentrate at it since I’m too nervous.

“It’s quite a long time…” he says hesitantly “But I’ve been waiting for years so I guess that another few months won’t change anything as long as the prize is good enough.”

“And is it?” I ask, all he will get at the end is me.

“It’s the best.” He replies and I can hear that he’s smiling.

Neither of us says anything more and we both fall asleep.

                                                                              --------------------------

Daehyun’s POV

The next morning I get up early and quickly make some sandwiches for Youngjae. This is the day one of my change project. And I’m excited. He eats them quickly because as he explains he has to hurry back home. Our conversation is a little bit chaotic as we still have a mess in our heads after tomorrow’s night. I can see that he’s trying to hide smile but he’s not really succeeding. I would love seeing his smile more often. Most preferably because of me. When he is about to leave my mum comes back home.

“Oh hello Joungyae, you still here?” she asks, she must have had a long night but I’m not going to just let her go after misspelling His name again.

“It’s Youngjae mother and it would be amazing if you could remember just this one name. It’s important.” I declare and frown in her direction. I can see in her eyes that she’s surprised with my reaction.

“O-Okay… I will try…” she says and disappears in the bathroom, soon her head pops up again “See you Youngjae.” She says to him and winks.  This woman… I can see that it caused Youngjae’s smile though. That’s good.

We bid our goodbyes on the porch. Earlier we agreed that I will finish the Physic project alone and if I have any questions I will call. In the school were gonna act just as if we were just project partners. Actually we will act this way till the last day of school.

I watch Youngjae going down the road to the bus stop. Maybe it’s just my imagination but it seems like he’s bouncing happily more than walking. But it may be the pink glasses someone put on my eyes yesterday. It’s probably because I was staring into Youngjae lighted with this pink lava lamp a little bit too much. I must buy some normal lamp really.

I close the door when Youngjae disappears in the bus. My mum is sitting on the coach and munches some fruit salad.

“Daehyun.” She stops me “Is that Youngjae guy really someone special?” she crooks her head.

“Yes. Yes, he is mum. It’s very important to remember her head.” I lead and place a kiss on her head “Sorry I gotta go. The Physics project  is waiting for me and I’m the only person who can finish it.”

N/A

Sorry for late update folks! I was on vacations and kinda couldn’t write… Or maybe didn’t feel like? I’m not sure. Anyway I hope that this chapter was worth waiting! The next one is gonna be the last one. More than an epilogue than and actual chapter but whatever! 

I know that it chapter is a mess btw. I knwo that one part is in past tense and Daehyun's POV in present tense. I know it may seem chaotic and that it's not something good story-writer should mix but... I don;t knwo it just sticked well for me so I hope it kinda works for you too ^^ If not please don't roast me!

Anyway- place stay tuned. Thank you for every comment, upvote etc!

See you around, Checlie