[A/N]

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

omg listen to the song at this part its emo

honestly if i just sit my and concentrate i would be updating like every other day but i literally spent my only day off jamming to high school musical

anyway enjoy, friends

*insert mina leaning on crying nayeon pic*

---

Use me as you will

Pull my strings just for a thrill

And I know I'll be okay

Though my skies are turning grey

-

"I wish-" 

Nayeon started to write on the ema. She had found it when she was cleaning around the house one day. She wanted to save it for the next time they went back, but... it looked like her wish couldn't wait any longer. 

"I think... it would be better if you stopped visiting."

Nayeon knew something was up with Mina lately. It was different from her looking weak. Mina was gradually becoming unresponsive to Nayeon. Unresponsive to their conversations, to Nayeon's kisses. Nayeon was now finding herself sitting in silence, and not the comfortable kind, in her hospital room doing her paperwork. There were more and more days where she came and left with the only words exchanged were 'Hello' and 'Goodbye'. Sometimes Mina didn't even answer back.

Mina was getting uncharacteristically cold and distant towards Nayeon. Nayeon felt unneeded, even unwanted. And Mina confirmed it this morning.

"I don't want to see you here anymore."

"She doesn't mean it, Nayeon," Nayeon told herself, reassured herself. She wiped a single tear drop from the ema, but accidentally smudged the marker writing. "Great, I didn't even write the whole thing yet and I ruined it already."

How could Mina tell her that after all the efforts she went through for her? She lightly slapped herself to shake Mina's words off, trying to pretend she wasn't hurting inside. Mina thought it would be easy to give up on Nayeon like that. She thought Nayeon would just leave like that.

"You can go, Nayeon."

But Nayeon did.

She quickly walked out of the room, in pain. She didn't want to see Mina's stern face anymore. She didn't want to hear any more harsh words that stung. She was tired too. She was tired of having her heart broken every time she walked in. She was tired of not having her love being returned. Tired of looking at a face that looked like it did not want to see her.

If Mina wanted Nayeon to leave, then Nayeon was going to leave.

"I wish-" she tried to continue her sentence.

Nayeon knew what she was going to wish for, it was obvious. But the reasons behind it made her feel sick to her stomach. 

She wanted Mina to come back, but why? Why was Nayeon only thinking about herself when she wished for Mina's recovery? Why was Nayeon only thinking about how Mina should come back just for Nayeon, just so Nayeon could hug her, kiss her, hold her hand, be with her again? Why was Nayeon being so... selfish?

She was being selfish, because Nayeon was in pain too. Because Nayeon was suffering from hating herself. She hated herself for thinking like Mina. For understanding Mina.

If Nayeon wasn't with Mina, would she feel as much pain as she did now? If Nayeon wasn't with Mina, would she be living her life, going to work, doing things she could do when her time wasn't restrained by visiting her at the hospital?

But if Nayeon wasn't with Mina...

She couldn't think of a life without her. She didn't want to think of a life without her.

"Please, Mina.. just... just get better already..." she slowly weeped. "Please."

-

She had left her phone at home. It was a foolish thing to do, she knew. She couldn't reach anyone in this state. But no one could reach her either, which was what she wanted.

Why would she want anyone to see her down her second bottle of soju?

Why would she want anyone to stop her from ordering another one?

Why would she want anyone to call her out on her fake sense of happiness she was trying to pull off while drinking away her sorrows?

She knew what Mina was doing. She would have probably done the same if it were her. If it were her on that hospital bed. On that death bed.

No.

Mina wasn't dying. She couldn't. 

"Thank you," she sloppily told the bartender as he handed her her third bottle.

Not after all they've been through. Not after all they've promised each other to do in the future.

She stared at the bottle and bitterly laughed.

She knew Mina was trying to be strong. That was all she has been doing. That was all she could do.

And was this how Nayeon showed her strength? By drinking her pain away? By suffering alone, because Mina was suffering enough as it is?

That was all Nayeon has been doing. That was all Nayeon could do.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, gripping the bottle. "I'm so sorry, Mina."

She felt helpless. Weak. 

She wanted to spend her whole life with Mina, but not like this. Not like this.

Not with the smell of disinfectant hopelessly trying to clean the sickness away. Not with the sounds of coughing, beeping, weeping loved ones she heard when passing through each room. Not with the wretched look on each patient's faces, or the forced stern appearance on each doctor's features. 

Not with the sight of her Mina in that white room, having nothing else by her side other than her heart monitor, the pathetic meal on a small table, the dying red roses that Nayeon got her, that uncomfortable bed she was forced to sleep in. A bed that Nayeon couldn't share with her. 

Nayeon was definitely more than tipsy already. But it didn't stop her from finishing her third and last bottle that had a slight salty taste from her tears. It didn't stop her either from drunkenly making her way to the love of her life once more. It was the only way she knew how to go.

-

"I-I'm sorry, Ma'am, I'm afraid it's too dangerous to let you in the hospital in your condition," the receptionist told a very disorderly Nayeon. She signaled a nearby security guard to come and her out.

"B-but, Ma'am," Nayeon muttered, holding onto the counter, "I-I just need-hic-to see M-Mina, I'll be-I'll be good."

The security guard was dragging her away now, and Nayeon didn't have the strength at the moment to go against him. Her legs suddenly felt weak and she stumbled unto the ground.

"Mina.. let me see... M-Mina," Nayeon whimpered, clutching to the security guard's pants, "Please, I-just this-hic-once, please-"

"Miss Im?"

Nayeon and the security guard quickly turned their attention to Tzuyu, who just walked in. She had came back from a late night coffee break.

"Dr. Chou, do you know her?" the receptionist asked.

Tzuyu stared at Nayeon on the hospital floor. It was safe to say she looked desperate and... pitiful.

Tzuyu was still young and didn't have as much experience as her older coworkers. She had only heard sad stories from them having to deal with broken relatives, begging them to heal their loved ones, cursing them for not trying hard enough when their patients die.

But this was the first time Tzuyu was experiencing it. This was the first time she felt so hurt from seeing an awfully intoxicated Nayeon, incapable of forming any sentence that didn't include "Mina" in it. To others, this might look like a messy drunkard who made their way into a hospital. But to Tzuyu, this scene touched her. She felt the emotion from Nayeon who refused to let Mina go, who refused to give up. Even if she had a funny way of showing it.

"Yes, I do," Tzuyu said, extending her hand to help Nayeon stand up, "Don't worry, she's with me."

-

Tzuyu had left the drunk Nayeon on the ground at the entrance of Mina's room. She didn't want to get any closer, with fear of waking Mina up and giving her more trouble than she already has.

"Hey."

Nayeon was answered with silence. Of course, since Mina was sleeping. But Nayeon needed to let things out, whether Mina heard her or not.

"I finished 3 bottles today... can you believe it? You should've been there to see it, but you would've been able to drink more than me so... I'm kind of glad you didn't."

She managed to calm her stutter and articulate actual sentences now.

"It smelled like a different kind of alcohol at the bar. You know, not the rubbing alcohol that I always smell here." She leaned her head backwards on the door and smiled. "But I guess it doesn't bother me much since I'm already used to the smell here."

She adjusted her sitting position and remembered she had something to give to Mina.

"Oh, that's right! I-" she took out the ema from her bag, "found this at home. I'm not sure if it's supposed to bring me good or bad memories. Remember when we were supposed to write a wish on it?"

She crawled towards the bed and hung it on one of the bedposts. The words "I wish Mina would get better so we could live happily ever after." could be seen written on it.

"I know, I know, it's lame. Please excuse me, I've not been my usual cheesy self lately. I guess... it only works when the other person can reciprocate it properly, huh..."

Nayeon gazed back at Mina, who was still sound asleep. She was glad that Mina couldn't hear her sounding like a complete loser in front of her.

"I can't stop thinking about our wedding, you know. And I can't stop thinking about how... how our honeymoon should've been as perfect. I know we didn't get to do everything you had planned for us, but I'll cherish what we did do forever."

Her stare lowered to Mina's bed and she chuckled softly.

"That bed still looks incredibly uncomfortable," she whispered, mostly to herself, "I'd rather you sleep on me instead."

The expected lack of reaction turned Nayeon's reminiscent mood darker. She brough her legs closer and buried her head between her knees.

"I'm sorry..." she breathed, "I'm sorry you had to go through all these nights alone. I'm sorry I couldn't be there next to you on that bed. If you were awake, you would probably tell me it's not my fault, I know."

Nayeon tightly shut her eyes, trying to hold back her tears. It seemed like crying was the only thing she has been doing lately.

"No, if you were awake, you would probably tell me to leave you alone, to let you go through this pain alone, that you don't need me in your life." She cursed herself for letting a tear escape from her eyes. "I know you don't mean it, babe, I know. I know you want to get out of here as much as I do, but sadly I won't let you leave until you're better."

Nayeon looked so small and fragile curled up against the wall.

"I won't... I won't let you leave me. I know you're just pretending to be mad at me so I won't be hurt. I know you're just... taking precautions in case you don't make it, I know." She hugged her knees closer to her to hide her tears. To hide her slowly breaking down. "I know."

Tzuyu looked through the window to check up on Nayeon and saw her trembling back and hand attempting to muffle her cries. Tzuyu hurt even more for Nayeon. She found her so strong, that she would force herself to not make any noise, even when she was crying, just so she wouldn't wake Mina up. She had decided to let her be for a bit more until she let everything out.

"But-hic-... I am hurt, because," she continued, "You can do anything to me, curse at me, hit me, just anything to show you're still living, but... the only thing that would pain me the most... is you thinking it's easy to just leave you. I don't know why... you would think that."

She started to feel sleepy. The final effects of the alcohol were starting to take over her.

"Is that what you feel about me... you're wrong, M