Antisocial — not sociable or wanting the company of others.

“Haerin needs to go out of her comfort zone more.”

“It would be better for Haerin to socialise more and make friends.”

“Haerin keeps to herself too much.”

I’ve been hearing these descriptions of me ever since I was in elementary school. Teachers worriedly informed my parents during parent-teacher meetings, classmates knew better than to invite me to their gatherings and outings and I was generally…

…alone.

I was happy. I found contentment by my own, doing my own thing (sometimes getting engrossed in novels, sometimes wandering around and observing the world around me) and thought nothing more of it. In fact, when I was approached and included, I felt myself shrinking and enroached upon and made up excuses to leave and exclude myself.

My parents and teachers tried to make me come out of my shell. They tried to enrol me in all sorts of programs to mingle with other children of my age, but to no avail. But they failed to realise it was not a shell, but a world that I had built of my own that was full and complete. I was friendly and polite to all who I met, but they were never more than acquaintances because I felt I was my best accompaniment. Being in a group never enthralled or attracted me - it repelled me. 

But as I grew older, realisation started to dawn on me. Society was not forgivable towards certain types of people that didn’t fit into the cookie-cutter ideal mold that the majority agreed on. And somehow, my solitude-loving, self-sustaining ideology was considered — antisocial. I began to get used to deragatory or pitying labels like “loner”, “loser”, “weirdo”; somehow society associated solitude as idling and not a purposeful thing. As something not by choice, but by circumstances.

I wish I could say I stayed true to myself throughout middle school all the way to college and beyond and not care what people thought about me, but I wasn’t as strong as that. The teasing, the labelling, the judgement - it got to me.

And this is why in the first year of high school, I have decided to reinvent myself.

“And that’s why I say he’s absolutely droolworthy- Haerin are you listening to me?”

I snapped out of my reverie. Somi, one of the girls in my clique waved a manicured hand in my face impatiently, her face beaming at me excitedly. “You’re spacing out again!”

I took a quick glance at the Instagram account she was stalking and immediately retorted, “Yeah, Hwang Minhyun is, I was thinking of how he would be like in real life.” I lied, giving a sheepish you-caught-me smile. So nowadays the monolidded faces are the trend for girls. Must take note.

It was the right reply to give, since a few of the girls of my clique began squealing indignantly and excitedly at my reply. “No, beeeetch, he’s mine, hands off!” Doyeon slapped me lightly and gave me a teasing annoyed look. Somi hugged her phone to her chest and gave us all an incredulous look. “Are you guys kidding right now? I’m Hwang Somi!”

We, including me, all laughed at our silly commotion. Sejeong, another of my friends, shushed us mid-laugh. “Girls, if Minhyun-oppa or any of his friends hears us, it’s going to be so embarrassing!”

“Minhyun-oppa?” Chunghwa teased Sejeong, nudging her with her .

“Minhyun-oppaaaa!” Sejeong giggled, covering her face with her hands in embarrassment.

I smiled at their antics. They were all sweet, nice girls who I met and got along with on the first day of high school. Somi was late and she took the chair next to me; I decided to make effort in making friends and boy, this girl drew friends like bees to honey- before I knew it, I was part of this clique of five girls who started to include me for everything — shopping dates, sleepovers, movies and cheerleading activities (which I had tried out for on Somi’s insistence and got in). 

I preferred being alone and not having to be accountable to anyone, but I didn’t miss the gossiping and nasty words behind my back. I didn’t miss my worried mum crying about me to my dad and having to have sessions with the school counsellor during curriculum time. I didn’t miss sticking out like a sore thumb.

I must say, all my novel reading (Gos