Originally published June 8th, 2017

Edited April 17th, 2020

Seungkwan sat on his bed, in a complete daze. Had their entire friendship been a lie? Did Vernon really love his sister? Did he use him to get close to her? Seungkwan’s head felt dizzy. He’d known one day Vernon would fall in love with some girl, breaking his heart. He had prepared for that, but he could have never been prepared for that girl to be his own sister.

“Boo,” Vernon called, opening the door, two cups of soda in hand, “I got our drinks.”

Seungkwan looked up at him, his mind still reeling, “Oh, Vernon.”

Vernon looked at him in concern, “Are you alright?”

Seungkwan nodded, “What took you so long?” Hoping desperately that Vernon would tell the truth.

“Oh,” Vernon averted his eyes. “Well, um, I just got distracted.”

He lied.

“Ah well…” Seungkwan paused, what was he supposed to say? He looked into Vernon’s eyes, he was going to be sick. He couldn’t do this. “Hey, Vernon?”

“Yes?”

“I’m feeling kind of tired, can we end it here today?”

Vernon looked at him, worried. “Are you ok? Are you feeling sick?” he asked.

He shook his head, “No, I’ll be fine after I sleep for a bit.” Vernon sat the drinks down on Seungkwan’s bedside table. He sat carefully on the edge of his bed, a few inches from him.

“That’s alright, we can go to sleep now if you want.”

Seungkwan couldn’t do that, he knew he couldn’t. If he spent one more second near Vernon he was sure he would break down into tears, “No, you can go back home.”

Vernon chuckled, “We’ve taken naps together before it’s fine.”

Seungkwan was silent, mind racing, desperately looking for an excuse, “I just…” He hesitated, “I just want to be alone right now.” Vernon’s eyes opened wide. Seungkwan knew being alone was out of character for him. That he constantly sought out the presence of others, especially Vernon, but for the first time all Seungkwan wanted was to be alone. To be away from Vernon.

Vernon nodded his head. “Yeah, I mean, that’s fine, I’ll get going... I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Seungkwan nodded, watching as he grabbed his bag, leaving Seungkwan’s room. 

For a moment Seungkwan felt bad for kicking him out. Then he remembered his smiling face as he hugged Jinsul. How happy she was to fit into his arms, His heart clenched. Had these five years meant nothing to Vernon? He knew about Seungkwan’s experience with boys trying to get close to him just for a chance to talk to Jinsul but was Vernon one of them? Had Vernon secretly been courting his sister for the last five years? With every single sleepover at his house, every dinner, every time he came over, did that mean nothing to him? Was it only an excuse to see Jinsul? Did Vernon see him the same way as the rest of the boys did in middle school? Simply a tool to gain Jinsul’s affections?

Seungkwan lowered himself into his bed, wrapping his comforter tightly around him. Using the warmth to calm himself down. He didn’t think he could look at Vernon tomorrow. Not when he knew exactly what Vernon was after. What his secret was that he was keeping away from him. Then it dawned on him. All of the rest of their friends knew. They knew and instead of telling him, instead of warning him, they stayed quiet. Most likely mocking him behind his back. Was his last year of high school really going to be the same as every year of middle school? Was he cursed to have no male friends? Could he only be friends with the females who weren’t attracted to his sister? He’d trusted Vernon so much, and yet Vernon had betrayed him. The one person he’d trusted most had fooled him and he’d had no idea.

_____

Getting up was a challenge. He considered telling his mom he was sick just so he wouldn’t have to go to school, have to see Vernon and the rest of his friends who he’d once trusted. He pushed through it, however, quickly getting ready. Seungkwan looked down at his phone, hesitating. He didn’t want to see Vernon. He considered texting him to tell him to not pick him up. He couldn’t though. He didn’t want Vernon to know his anger, to know that he knew about his secret, and most of all how much Seungkwan wanted more than anything to never see him again. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. Vernon shared so many of his classes with him, it would be awkward until graduation if they suddenly weren’t friends anymore. Seungkwan pocketed his phone. He’d fake it, not just with Vernon but with the rest of his “friends” as well. Seungkwan looked out his front window waiting for Vernon’s car to pull into view.

Even in the early hours of the morning, Vernon’s car was hot, Seungkwan was sure this was how it felt to be cooked in an oven.

“Seungkwan?” Vernon asked, grabbing his attention away from the ridiculous heat of the car and onto him. “Are you feeling better today?”

Seungkwan wanted to scream. Of course, he wasn’t okay! He’d seen him and his sister yesterday. He knew everything. His body ached with the truth. He nodded h