Like fire burning

I found you in the light

It’s the reason I found my life again

What did I see at that moment?

Your scent makes me forget everything

(B.A.P – DIAMOND 4 YA)

Kim Hanbyul POV

March, 2017

“I know I know, I’m on my way now. Yeah, just let me go home first to put my suitcase and after that I’ll go straight to the venue and take over from there. I know, you don’t need to worry about that. Ok, bye.” I hung up my phone and threw my head back to the head seat. I was in the taxi from airport on my way to go back home, to my parents home. Yeah, finally I’m back to Seoul after two years. My sister was just called me to make sure I arrived safely and went straight to her wedding venue. Well, she asked me to take care about her wedding since both her and fiance was really busy with their works. “Five days before their wedding and they are still busy with works, what a great life they have” (Note the sarcasm).

Looked outside, not many things changed in here. Still the same old Seoul like before. Spring almost came, the weather started to getting warm too and it had been a weeks since they started to promote their newest album. Their newest album, with Yongguk finally came back to them too. Happy and worried at the same time, that’s what I felt when I saw the news about TS made a confirmation that Yongguk would back again and participate for this comeback even he was the one who produced this album like usual. I mean, what if he still not fully healed? What if he forced himself again because he can’t just sit and see the others work so hard to fill up his absence? What if....

“We have arrived, Miss.” I woke up from my daydream soon when the taxi driver told me we have arrived at my destination, my parents’ house. Came out from the taxi, my mom already waited for me in front of the house door. She ran to me and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back. How I missed her scent and the warmth from her body, we kept hugging each other for awhile. When we finally released our hug, she kept looking at me without saying a words. Just looked at me from head to toes, when finally she said this with her warm smile, “Welcome home, dear.”

I smiled back and said, “I’m home.” Yes, I was back to Seoul, even just for awhile. This time, I didn’t know why but I got a feeling that I could finish the story that kept holding me back for these past years. I didn’t know if the ending would be happy or sad, but I really hoped the ending would be happy for him.

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Bang Yongguk POV

From: Himchan

To: Bbang

Where are you? That coffee shop again?

From: Yongguk

To: Himchan-ie

Yeah

From: Himchan

To: Bbang

Haah… ok, just don’t go back home too late this time, ok.

You need to rest, you have a schedule tomorrow.

From: Yongguk

To: Himchan-ie

Ok, I promise. You should rest too, you’re still sick

I put my phone back on the table and continued to do what I just did before Himchan started chatting with me before. I was just looking outside enjoying the night street with many people walked around and did many things. Maybe I was not truly enjoyed the view. Deep inside I wanted her to be one of those people who walked in the street but that’s impossible, right? She’s not here. There’s a reason why I never came back to this place again after that time, when I got her letter. The reason was I couldn’t stood with the memories we had here. Even it’s just for awhile, really for awhile still it’s a beautiful memories we had. What was made it more difficult for me to came back here was her scent. That might sounds crazy, since this is a coffee shop where all you can smell is coffee scent but not for me. Her scent mixed well with the coffee scent in here. Like now, I could smell her scent eventhough she’s not here, you may think I am pathetic enough right?

“What are you looking at outside? And why are you sniffed too?” I was shocked when I heard this familiar voice and when I saw it, yes, she’s sitting across from me with a concern look on her face. Is this Dejavu? I mean, this thing ever happened to us before but this time we changed our position. She kept looking at me with a concern look. I really wanted to answer her question, “I’m fine,” and “nothing you need to worry about,” but I couldn’t find my voice right now. I was stucked. Too shocked with the fact that she’s here now, sat in front of me. Wait! What if this is a dream? I mean, what if that was really a dream since I really missed her and now she decided to come to my dream. “Akh!” A spontaneous hissed came out from my mouth since I felt a sting on my arm. “Those pinch just for telling you that, this is not a dream. That I’m really here, in Korea, Seoul, sitting across from you, right here, right now Bang Yongguk-ssi.”

“It’s...it’s really you...Byul-ah....” She smiled when she heard me finally talked to her, the smile that I really missed. Suddenly I felt a familiar warm on my hand which I put on the table and when I looked below, yeah she already held my hand. Like in the past, like how it used to.

“Yes, it’s me Yongguk-ah.”

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Kim Hanbyul POV

There we were again, the same bench, the same park, the same position with the same person. We didn’t say any word, just enjoyed the quietness we had with our hand linked. There were so many things I wanna asked to him, there’s so many things I wanna talked with him but my voice didn’t come out. Not because I was nervous but because I wanted to cherish this moment. The moment when we only sat together side to side with no words needed. I was shocked a little when he rested his head on my shoulder. I could smelt his scent perfectly from this position, the musk scent. “How are you Byul-ah?”

I looked at him just to make sure that I didn’t misheard, even that would be impossible since there’s only us in this park right now and only him who have those voices. The deep husky voice, the voice I missed the most. “I...I’m fine. How about you?” Dang it! Why am I shuttering right now? I said to myself. The weather was not that cold anymore! “You’re still the same, always shuttering when answering my question. Am I that scary for you Byul-ah?” He smirked, I could feel it! Even I didn’t see it straight from his face since he still rested his head on my shoulder with his eyes closed but I could feel it. “It’s...It’s not like that! I’m not scared with you it’s just....it’s just been awhile since we talked so...I’m still not used with it.” It’s true, I’m not scared with him, never. It’s just I was in disbelief that we finally could meet again, sat together and talked with each other. I’ve dreamt about this, always. That someday we could meet and talked again but I couldn’t believe that someday would be today. “I’m fine too Byul-ah, for now.”

He moved his head from my shoulder and we looked at each other, eyes to eyes. The sadness and pain in his eyes were the first thing that caught my attention. He aged much now. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving you, Yongguk-ah.” He shook his head, disagree with what I’ve just said. “I’m the one who left you first, the one who pushed you away first when I know you always waiting for me. Always ready for helping me. So I’m the one who need to say sorry, not you. I’m sorry Byul-ah. I’m sorry for everything I did to you. I’m sorry for all the pain I give to you.” He tighten his grip on my hand. “Yongguk-ah I’m...” Before I could finished my words, he talked again. “Let me finish my words first, Byul-ah. I have something to tell you.”

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Bang Yongguk POV

“Let me finish my words first Byul-ah. I have something to tell you.” She nodded and that’s my que to continue. This is it Bang Yongguk, now or never! I braced myself. I exhaled before looked at her face again. “That time, when I left you, pushed you away it’s the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. I know you always wait for me to come to you, for telling you what I feel, helping me, supporting me but that’s the reason too why I decided to pushed you away. I don’t want you to hurt, I don’t want you to feel that pain too, I don’t want to see it, nor I can too. I’m sorry for that, for the stupid decision I’ve made. I promise you before but I can’t fullfil it, I’m such a coward. I’m afraid Byul-ah, what if other people can’t handle the pain I shared with them? What if that’s too much for them?” She stayed still and kept looking at me. She gave me a que to continue.

“After all the drama, I decided to come back to that coffee shop again, to meet you but I was late since you were already gone. Left me with a letter you wrote for me. I was so close to end everything but my members scolded me and told me to fullfil your wish no matter how hard it is for me. They said, I already disappointed you if I couldn’t move and tried to fullfil your wish again, I couldn’t imagine how sad you will be. You were right when you said that I have the best team, friends and family I could asked to God, they helped me through all the pain and hard situation but still, something like that can’t change fast right? I still can’t open myself too much with others and that’s when the breakdown came. I was tired with everything, with the spotlight, people, even myself. That time Himchan scolded me again, but he was more sad and disappointed with me rather than angry. He felt fail as my best friend and it was hurted me to seeing him like that. We talked heart to heart for the first time after a long time but that time it was me the one who talked more, told him everything about how I felt and what concerned me.

She smiled when she heard that, I knew it. She was happy knowing that I started to open myself more. I continued, “They were waiting for me, they really did. That’s why I’m doing my best to come back fast for them. Am I doing great? Am I doing it right Byul-ah?” She nooded while tried to hold her laugh. I bet she held it because I sounded like a little kid to her now. After she replied my question, I inhaled my breath trying to throw away my worries before asked her this question. Come on, Yongguk-ah, you can do this! This is the time or you will regret it again! This is your second chance, there’s no more chance after this! Come on, be a man and ask her that question!  “Byul-ah, what if your feelling toward me, your feelling from a woman to a man is not one side? What if I tell you that I feel the same? Will you believe it?” Her face turned pale for awhile after heard what I just said. “Is that really hard for you to believe it Byul-ah? Did you really didn’t see it, that we have the same feelling toward each other?” my little heart told me.

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Kim Hanbyul POV

Did i just heard it right? No way! I must be misheard it, right? No way we have the same feelling towards each other! “Eh..you..you must be joking right, Yongguk-ah? Hahaha…. that’s so funny….” When I said that his face turned pale and looked in pain. What? I didn’t say something wrong right? No, no please no! “Yongguk-ah...” He cut my words again but that time, not with words but with his lips. He kissed me! We stayed still for awhile, didn’t move or anything, just stayed in the same position with our lips still connected. While finally he started to make a move, tried to open my mouth with his bottom lips. I gave up and kissed him back. It’s not a lust one, that was just the sweet kiss one with us tried to pour our feelling with it. When our lips parted, he put our forehead together with us still tried to catch our breath. “Do you believe me now?” He asked me again and that time I couldn’t help but nodded my head. Call me cheesy but while we kissed I can feel how desperate he is, both of us to be exact. How we desperate for each other, to feel each other, for having each other. “Will you be mine, Byul-ah?”

I moved my head from him, make him do the same too. “We can’t be together Yongguk-ah. I’m..I need to go back to US. I only come to here for my sister wedding and after that I’m leaving again. I’m already happy with this, for knowing your feeling for me but I’m sorry we can’t be together. You need someone who can always be with you, stay by your side for supporting you and both of us know I can’t be like that. Not like I will stop supporting you, I will keep supporting you from afar like what I have promised, but you need someone who stay by your side, who can be with you when you sad, tired, and happy. Who can hug you when you need that, to wipe your tears, to hold your hand, to pat your back, to support you, to stop you from going too hard on yourself and being by your side too and..and...” He kissed me again! But that time it was really just to make me shut my mouth. After he pulled his lips from mine, he smiled while looking at me.

“I’ll wait for you.” I look at him can’t believe with what I’ve just heard. “I’ll wait for you like the way you waited for me before. If that time you can wait for me even when you didn’t know where am I, what I do and my condition so why I can’t do the same for you? I don’t want to lose you anymore like what I did before. I don’t want that to happen again to us when now I know what you feel, what both of us feel towards each other. I’ve made a mistake before and I don’t want to repeat the same mistake. I’m not that strong before to deal with the fact that you leave me before and I’m still not strong enough to deal with that again now. Please Byul-ah, this time let me be the one who show you what I feel and what I want. Will you be mine, Kim Hanbyul?”

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I didn’t even think of it
You held in your feelings well back then, how did you feel?
I want to ask you, but you’re no longer next to me.
You always gave me laughter even when it was hard.

(Jung Daehyun - 넌 어때)

Kim Hanbyul POV

Present, 2017

“Everything is fine James, already on set. They can do sound check tonight, just tell him like that. To be honest, what’s wrong with you this time? It’s not like you. Oh come on James, this is not the first time you take care of a concert ok. Yeah yeah I know this is your first Korean Artist concert to take care, but please, they are just the same like other concerts you ever took care of. Only different with the language, and if that is the thing that make you worried so much, you have me on your team to take care about the language barrier and they have their own interpreter too, so stop being a crybaby now and let me enjoy my coffee break for awhile!” He keep whinning like a baby, even when we talking by phone I can picture his state perfectly now. We’ve been working together for a year now and seriously, this is the first time I ever see him so panic and afraid. “Give me an hour and I’ll be back to the venue, ok? Just one hour, I’ll go back to the venue, to you and bring some iced americano for you. Ok? Ok bye James, just try not to think about that too much ok, everything is already on set.” I end the call and take a sip of my iced americano. Haah… finally me time for awhile before get back to work.

It’s really been a while since I can sit and enjoy some coffee like this while looking at the busy street of New York. After spent two weeks in Seoul for a little escape, I need to go back to reality and work my for this concert. They choose New York as their second place for their America Tour after Atlanta, so yeah it’s still pretty early from their trip in here. I hope they have a plenty free time to enjoy their time here, not as an artist but as a tourist. Free time between tour is really important, I mean tour really bring the stress out with the jetlag, moving a lot, the pressure to give the best performance, food too and the weather of course. “Haah… dang it James! Now you make me start to worried too!” I said it softly, worried other people will hear my rant.

“Worried about what?” My eyes slightly widened when I hear that voice. I pull my head from looking at the street to someone who is now sitting across from me. He pull his hand to my cheek and it sofly but suddenly “AKH!” He pinch my cheek. “Ya! What was that for? It hurts, you know!” He caresses my cheek again but this time to make the pain he caused go away. “That’s for telling you that you’re not dreaming now Byul-ah, I’m already here. Sorry I’m late, the tornado make all the flight delayed. Did you wait long enough?” I grab his hand which still caresses my cheek and shake my head a little to tell him that I didn’t wait too long.

We stay like this for awhile, just like those movies scene where the couple sit together in the busy coffee shop, no words come out from their mouth because they communicate with their eyes. Cheesy enough, right? I don’t care, that’s what I feel now. “I miss you Byul-ah.” We keep looking at each other after he said that. I don’t reply it immediately, not because I don’t feel the same but because I can’t help myself smiling from ear to ear when I hear that words from him.

“I miss you too, Yongguk-ah.” After I say those word, his signature smile comes out. Those big gummy bear smile I love the most.

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Fin