What should I say?

If this is love

I really don’t think I can do it again

Everything has left

(B.A.P – 뭐라고 할까)

Kim Hanbyul POV

November, 2016

“Haah finally after a long day!” I threw myself to the bed. It’s been a long day with all those crazy deadlines and upcoming events, well at least I’ve got a free weekend. It’s really been awhile for me to get a free weekend. I told myself, who do you want to blame? It’s your own fault for throw away your past job on marketing and move to work as a Event Organizer. Yeah half year after arrived in New York, I decided to resign from that company. The company that made me moved from Seoul to New York. Ting! “Cih! Now what? I hope it’s not from work” I grabbed my phone and saw there’s a message from my sister.

 From: Hyesung-Eonni

Ya! You will come for my wedding next march right?

You promised already ok! If you didn’t come, just wait for my revenge!

That’s my sister, ladies and gentlemen. She never changes, even when she was going to be married and became someone’s wife. She kept asking me the same question every week but I couldn’t blame her, with my own schedule in here it’s really difficult for me to ask for a leave for awhile. That’s why since 2 months ago when she told me about her engagement, she kept reminding me about her wedding day. Thanks God I’ve got a permission to leave for that wedding. Well I got 2 weeks holiday and back to home was not bad. I couldn’t imagine what she would do to me if I didn’t come for her wedding.

After replied to her message, I decided to check all the notifications I got on phone then went to sleep. While opened all notifications from instagram, I decided to open the explore. “Let’s see what news we got from here.” And with that I regretted my own action.

Bang Yong Guk to take hiatus due to anxiety disorder + B.A.P to promote as 5

BAP’s Bang Yong Guk Announces Hiatus Due to Mental Health Issues

B.A.P Members Write Moving Tweets To Fans Following News Of Bang Yong Guk’s Hiatus

Bang Yong Guk tweeted to fans later that day, “I will try to return again healthy. As the leader, since I can’t be together with the members and fans, all I can do is think it’s a shame and be sorry. Please show more interest and support for the other members.”

“You were really surprised at the sudden news, weren’t you, Baby? Bang Yong Guk is always working hard and trying hard as our group’s leader. As he takes a rest, I also want to support him so that he can get well again. Also, I think that your support and love will be even more helpful than my own in helping him recover faster. So let’s all cheer on Bang Yong Guk! Please all be together for Bang Yong Guk’s empty spot in this album! We’ll coolly present to you this album that Bang Yong Guk worked so hard on. I’m always grateful. I love you, Baby.” – Daehyun Tweet

“I think you must have been very surprised by this sudden news. My friend is ill so I’m worried and upset, but there are more days in the future when we will promote together, and I will help a lot so that he can soon return to stand in front of all of you again in good form. And he’ll be back very soon. It will all be okay. We’ll try very hard too and help him, everyone.” – Himchan Tweet

“I’m writing to everyone who must have been very surprised to hear this news. Bang Yong Guk is producing this album, and he is trying very hard to make an even better B.A.P together with us and stand on stage. The weight on him must be severe as both B.A.P’s leader and the producer. I feel sorry towards him when I think about how I cannot share that weight as a member and a younger friend,” Youngjae says. “We’re unable to promote this album together. So we’re trying to fill up Bang Yong Guk’s spot this time. Of course, I think that we can’t fill it up 100 percent. Still, I think it will be okay somehow if the five us work together with all of you. Please be together with us this time, just as you have done for us up until now. Thank you for always being such a reliable pillar of support for us. I love you, Babys.” – Youngjae Tweet

“If you keep supporting him and loving him, Bang Yong Guk will be able to come back soon too. It’s really too bad that we can’t promote together this time, but I want him to get better soon so that we can stand on stage together again. Please give him a lot of strength so that that can happen.” – Jongup tweet

Bang Yong Guk's twin brother comments on his hiatus from B.A.P

"It was a hectic day receiving many people's messages today. I understand that there are more fans than my own acquaintances, so I'm leaving a small message. That person has consistently done music promotions since he started promoting as a singer, and he became depressed. Since this year, that coincided with his anxiety disorder, and he's been going through a hard time. That's why both his family and his agency decided it would be better for him to rest than work. He along with everyone else agreed he should focus on resting and receiving treatment from now on. I thank all the people who are worrying about him, and I ask that you focus your interest and support on his other family the B.A.P members and their upcoming full-length album releasing on November 7. I will also cheer them on. Everything's gonna be alright." – Yongnam Instagram

My mind went blank with all the articles I’ve read. Panic attack...Anxiety Disorder...Bang Yongguk...Yongguk-ah...Are you ok? You will be fine right? Please Yongguk-ah please...

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The autumn wind is coldly blowing in my heart

I put on a smile for no reason

I’m sure you’re doing well

Ay, word

(B.A.P – 걸어가)

Bang Yongguk POV

November, 2016

“Sleep tight son.” She kissed my forehead and left me alone in my old room, in my parents’ house. It has been awhile since the last time I came here and slept in this room. Many things changed here but the warm feeling I’ve always got in the past was still the same until now. After the announcement about my hiatus for this comeback promotion, my phones kept ringing. Many people, fans asked me if I am alright, worried about me, etc, but there’s some people who called me for attention seeker too. I didn’t care anymore. I was tired with everything right now. Tired with the spotlight, tired with the comments from people about my music, my group and me.

When I announced the news to my members, they were shocked and angry. Shocked about my sickness that I kept for myself in a long time, angry because I never told them. Told them what I feel, what I want, what I’m afraid of. I still remember after the discussion we had for what we will do with this, between us, my family and company Himchan came over to my apartement, since I already left the dorm for quite time. I could see that he was really disapointed with me, with my action.

Flashback

“Why did you never tell me about this before? You are my friend Yongguk-ah. You are always there when I need you the most and I always come to you but why you never come to me when you need a friend to help you? At least to give you a shoulder to take a rest.” I didn’t say anything, I can’t. I didn’t know what to say to him, it’s just too much. My ego didn’t let me to talk, even I was tired already to handle this by myself. So I could only stare at him. We didn’t talk for the past 1 hours, finally he sighed and say,

“I should’ve known you better than anyone else. You will never tell what you feel so fast, especially after the announcement you just bring to us today. It’s ok, just take a rest now I know you tired but remember, I will come over to take care of you everyday like the way I used to do back then when we still living together in dorm.” He got up from my sofa and ready to go when I stopped him. “I’m tired Himchan-ah...” He stopped his way and looked at me who still sat in the sofa with my face hung low. “I know you’re tired that’s why I will leave now so you can take a rest.” I shaked my head when he said that, I really can’t hold it back anymore.

“No! Not a tired like that! I’m tired with all the burden, with all the comments, with all the expectation that peoples gave me, to us! I’ve tried my best, but that’s never enough for them! They said I’m not good enough, I’ve lost my touch! I’m too idealist with the concept, the lyrics that I want to share with peoples! They said that’s not good enough with the market who only want some cheap love song! That’s not me! That’s not what music to me! I’ve tried to confront them but they ignored me, they threw me away! I’m afraid Himchan-ah.. I’m afraid... We tasted the pain already, the failure before and I don’t want that happened again to us, especially with you guys. I know how hard it is for you that time and finally we came back again and tried to built it again together. I’m afraid I’ll be the one that make you guys stuck and can’t move forward again. I don’t want it to happen. I’m not strong enough Himchan-ah...I’m weak....” with that I couldn’t handle my tears anymore and cried in front of him. It’s not the first time he saw me crying like this, because between all the members only in front of him I can cry like this.

He hugged me and my back, “You’re not alone Yongguk-ah, we are here for you. You didn’t need to take care of it by yourself. We are team right? Ah not! We are family, we always take care of everything together, so we will always do that. I can’t say we don’t have to care about what people say but remember not all they said is the negative one. There’s still positive ones too. What we need to do is not to always pleased the negative one because in this life there will be always negative side, no matter how good you are, they will be there to make it balance. We need to take care both sides, make the positive ones keep positive and make the negative ones change to be positive even with a slow progress at least we’ve tried, right?” He released me from his hug, grabbed my arms and made me look him straight to his eyes.

“We can do this together, the six of us. We start it together as six, so we finish it as six too but for now we will take care of it as five and you will take a rest. Even when your body is not with us now, your spirit will always with us. Just take a rest, got recharge and go back with us. When you comeback, we will kick those negative side with our work together!” He smiled at me, even I know he’s worried too. He worried with this situation. This is the same like the time he needed to take a break from promotion because of the injury but what’s made it different, he’ll be the one that took after my place as a leader to take care the others and everything. It’s not like he never do that, because if you asked me he is the one that always took good care the others from outside when I’m the one who take care the others from behind. We always worked together for that but this time he needed to work alone, that’s why he’s worried. Even he knew the other’s will help him too but he was still worried.

“Go take a rest now, no more working for tonight.” Both of us got up and he lead me to the bathroom, waited for me to clean up, then lead me to my bedroom and tucked me in the blanket, sat in the corner of my bed. “I’ll be here until you fall asleep.” I could only smile with the action he did. Indeed he is the mother of this group, he always did something like this. Something that only mothers will do to their kids and with him hummed some note and patted my feet my eyes started to feel heavy, without me realized I fell asleep.

End of flashback

Without realized, I sighed remembering that. It has been 2 weeks since they started the promotion for this album. I kept watching their performance, interviews and all their solo programs. They were doing good, Himchan really tried his best to replace me for awhile eventhough there were times when he started to blank for awhile but he got back fast. He’s tired, I knew it and I felt sorry for him. That’s why I really tried my best to recover fast with all those therapies I went through and some free time with my friends and my family. It’s really been awhile since the last time I could enjoy my free time and I’m really thankfully for that but I really wanted to recover fast, not only for my group, not only for BABYz too but for her. Remembering how she really wanted me to be success again, happy and make other people happy too but with this situation I only made people around me, who cares about me sad. If only I was not that stubborn to keep everything by myself, if my ego is not that big so I could share my insecure, sadness, concern with other people and got help from them, if only...

“I promise to you that I’ll try to do that but look at me right now...” Yeah I promised to her before, that I’ll try my best to change but I can’t. No! Can’t is not the right word. I’ve never tried so hard to change it. I’m afraid to try it, that’s why I was stuck in my comfort zone, even when the pain eats me alive. It’s been three years since the last time I saw you, talked to you face to face and hold your warm hands. Last year when I was still crying in the studio after reading your letter, the member found me almost unconscious. After that they asked me what’s wrong and I told them everything since I couldn’t hide it anymore like I used to do, when they already found your letter next to me and read it.

I told them everything, how was the first time we met at TV station and our coffee shop too, how you know about my feelings without me telling anything, how you try to convince me about Himchan injury is not my fault, how I love your smile, your warm hands when I hold your hand, your sweet voice and your eyes which always full of concern when looked at me. I’ve told them too about how and why I left you when the problem started to get bigger than before, why I never show myself to you when I know you always waiting for me there to talk with and to help me. After I told them everything they called me stupid, yeah they called me stupid. Stupid for leaving you like that, stupid for making you hurt and stupid for acting like a coward but after scolding me they said that I need to fulfill your wishes. That’s why I keep working like a crazy, non-stop 24/7. I just want to fulfill all your wishes but now I know, I’m doing it the wrong way. If you’re here and see my way to fulfill your wishes, I’m sure you will be angry with me.

“You must be disappointed with me right now, right Byul-ah...”

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