[Previously: Doojoon babysits Jinjoo and Junhyung comes back from his date with Yu-hwa.]

JUNHYUNG

Things had seemed better until I came back from my date with Yuhwa. Joo-ah seemed more distant than usual. Does she not know I can see through those fake smiles? It’s like she’s building up walls to protect herself. But from what? Her brother? 

I sighed. Sometimes, I don’t even know what she’s feeling anymore. She’s not letting me in. At least, it’ll be better when mom and dad comes back. That way, everyone can meet Yuhwa and hopefully, everyone gets along with each other and we can all be one big happy family again.

That was the plan, until one phone call changed our lives forever. 

It was a call from the police. They said mom and dad were in a car accident. A sudden storm kicked in when they were driving back. That night the strong wind howled loudly through the windows, the rain poured not letting any spot outside remain dry, lightning flashed multiple times lighting the dark rooms, and the thunder always followed shortly after. We even experienced a slight power outage at that time. 

“I have a bad feeling oppa,” I remembered Joo-ah saying. “Do you think mom and dad are okay?” 

At that time, we had tried calling but the signal was bad due to the storm. “Let’s just hope they didn’t head out when the storm started.” I replied, trying to reassure not only her, but myself.

They drove into the guard rails after avoiding a huge landslide that likely happened just as they approached the area, they said. The car tumbled downhill, but were lucky enough not to fall down all the way into the ocean. By the time they were found, it was already too late. They suffered severe injuries and weren’t able to get help in time. It was too late, they said. 

“I’m sorry for your loss.” 

That was what the police officer said. However, after hearing the news, Joo-ah never spoke a word. I still remembered the look on her face. I’d never seen her so sad before. Not even the time she overheard mom and dad saying that “she was a mistake” could beat this. 

This time was worse. I couldn’t stop her from crying. She cried until she had no more tears to cry and so I held her tight until she fell to sleep. After that night, she wasn’t ever quite the same anymore.

—

“So what are you saying?” I asked Joo-ah’s tennis coach, who had called to meet me the day before.

She sighed, “I believe it’s best if Jinjoo no longer plays.”

“The season isn’t even half over yet and it’s her last year. Please, don’t you think that’s a little unfair?” 

“I understand what you’re feeling, but this is the right decision. For both her and the team.”

“Mrs. Kim, she’s just going through some things right now.”

“Junhyung, I know it’s been hard. For you and for her. And I truly am sorry about what you two have to go through. But it’s already been a month.” She clasped her hands together, “It was alright in the beginning because everyone needs to mourn, but with the way she’s been acting,” She shook her head, “it’s dragging down the team and our game.”   

“But Mrs. Ki-”

“She’s a wonderful player and I hate to let her go, but I have to.”

At this point, I know there was no point of return. The coach has every right to do this and she wasn’t going to change her mind. There wasn’t anything I can do to stop this. 

“I hope you understand.” She said, “Please, spend some time with your sister. She really needs someone right now.”  

“I understand. I’ll let her know. Thank you Mrs. Kim.”

Joo-ah took it in like it didn’t matter. Like it wasn’t a surprise. Like she expected it. All she did was nod and head back into her room. But I knew she was devastated. She loved the sport and I knew it helped her vent out her feelings.

It had to. Because she never let out her feelings after that night she cried to sleep in my arms. Not even once. Crying was a never after that night. She’d gotten so quiet, it was easy to forget she was even there. Every time I had talked to her or even gotten close to her, it wasn’t any good. Short answers and quick escapes were all I got. 

I barely recognized her. There were no light in her eyes. No cheeky smile on her face. No playful winks she used to send me. No adorable little laughs she used to make. No more.

She didn’t like touching me afterwords, or even get close to me. It was hard to take in since she had always been so touchy with me. I’ve always loved her special hugs and rewarding pecks of affection. 

It was depressing. To see her expressionless whenever and wherever I saw her.

It hurt. To see her hurt and holding it in. To be there yet not be able to be there for her.

It was heartbreaking. To be a son who had lost his parents. To be a brother who’s losing his sister. 

“Talk to me!” I had yelled one night after I was sick and tired of how she was acting. Of how she treated me. 

She looked at me with those empty eyes of hers. “About?”

“Joo-ah,” I warned, “Stop doing this. Please.” 

“Doing what?” That monotone. That flat expression. Does she not even know how hard she’s making it for herself? For me?

“You can’t keep acting like this. Just let it out. Talk to me.” I pleaded.

“I am.” 

My teeth unknowingly clenched tightly, “Joo-ah, I’m tired of this.”

“Me too.” She said with little interest, walking into her room and closing the door behind her.

— 

“What am I going to do with her!?” I ran a hand roughly through my hair.

Doojoon, who sat next to me, sighed. “She’s not lashing out?” 

“No.” 

“Are her grades falling?” 

“No. I checked in with her teachers, they said her grades were fine, if not better than before.”

He looked surprised, “But she got kicked out the tennis team?”

“Yeah.” 

“That’s,” He thought long and hard for a word to describe the situation yet not offend Joo-ah, “strange.” 

I can only sigh in response.

“Haven’t you tried talking to her?” 

“I have! But she never-” I turned to him, “You’ve seen her! There’s nothing I can do!”

He sighed. “I know, I know. She’s really,” He must’ve been thinking back to the times I’ve brought him over to at least get her to talk to someone. She loved teasing him, to the point where they were as friendly as him and I. But even Doojoon couldn’t break her state, “not herself.” 

“What has she been doing lately?” 

“Nothing different. Just going and coming back from school. If it’s not homework, she’s sleeping.” I recalled.

“Does she eat?” 

“Sometimes.” 

“You got to elaborate a little more than that. She was a big eater, right?” I nodded, “Does she binge eat? Junk food? Or maybe she starves?” 

I shook my head. “She doesn’t binge eat nor does she starve. She been eating what she has been eating. Everything seems norm-” I thought back at the few times I see her eat and I realize something. “Her portions are smaller. And definitely blander than before.” I looked away, disappointed in myself, “I don’t even think she has the appetite to eat anymore.” 

Doojoon nodded, “She did look a little thinner than before.” 

“What should I do? She doesn’t want to talk to me, she doesn’t want to be near me, she doesn’t want anything to do with me! I barely even see her at home.” 

“Why not?” A confused Doojoon asked, “She doesn’t have tennis practice anymore.” 

“I know, but she gets back late anyway. She said she stays after school.” 

“Does she really?” I shrugged, unsure of how to answer. Joo-ah never lies to me, but with the way she’s been lately, I wasn’t so sure. “Then maybe you should go and see for yourself. What if she’s just running around following bad people and doing bad things?” He asked innocently yet realistically.

“She’s not like that.” I defended, “I know her.” 

“You knew her.” He stopped there, never going any further because I knew what he was inclining. And he was right. I didn’t know her anymore.

I’ve lost her.

— 

“She wasn’t there!” I yelled into my phone.

“Did you try calling her?” Doojoon asked through the line.

“Of course I did. She had the nerve to say she was at school. So when I called her out, she hung up! I called again but she never picked up!” 

“Okay, relax. She could be at home.” 

I huffed, “As if.” 

“Okay, just stay calm.” 

“How can I stay calm!? She could be anywhere right now!” I pinched the bridge of my nose tightly, “What if she’s out with some stupid boys and letting them teach her things? What if she found some old g-”

“Okay, stop right there. Don’t think like that.” Doojoon interrupted me before I got to say anymore that could make me explode. “Calm down, you need to get it together and think clearly.”

My jaw clenched, “You’re right.” 

“Relax. Take a deep breath.” I did as told, “Now think of anywhere she might go to when she’s sad or alone. Cafes, museums, parks, or anywhere you remember her going to.”

“She doesn’t like going outside. She’s always liked staying at home.” 

“Are you sure? There wasn’t any place she used to always go to?” 

I grit my teeth thinking about it. She used to always go to me when she’s sad. Or happy. She always went to me, no matter where I was, no matter what she felt. It’s a different story now.

“No. Not that I know of. She doesn-” I suddenly saw a girl walking with her tennis gear and a sudden thought crossed my mind, “Wait, I think I know where she is. I got to go.” I was about to hang up if it weren’t for him yelling through the phone. “What?” What did he need now? I need to know if she’s ther- 

“I know you’re in a rush, but don’t drive recklessly.” He said, “She can’t lose you too.”

His last sentence made all the anger and frustrations disappear in an instant. This isn’t the time to do anything stupid or careless. I sighed, “Okay, thanks.” 

—

“What are you doing?” 

She snapped at my direction, but didn’t run at the sight of me. Instead, she walked over to the ball she missed when I called out to her and picked it up. Walking back into position, she dropped the ball and swung at it, sparring with the wall. “What do you think?”

“Why did you lie to me?” 

“Why can’t I?” She spat as she kept hitting the ball bouncing back to her.

“I’m your brother.” I said. Like that was supposed to mean something.

Joo-ah hit the ball really hard and right then, a weird sound came from her racket. She stopped her stance and caught the incoming ball. “So?” She looked at her racket head; the strings were broken. Finally looking at me, she scowled. “Why can’t I lie to you?” 

My face tightened and she must’ve noticed because she went on, for the worse. “Huh? Tell me, why can’t I lie to you when you lie to me? Siblings lie to each other! That’s perfectly normal!” 

“You never lied to me before.”

“That was five years ago.” She said, “I’m no longer that little girl that needs you for everything! When you left, everything I’ve went through, I’ve went through myself! No one helped me! I dealt with it myself! So stop telling me what to do. Because I can handle myself.” 

Quickly walking towards her, I looked at her intensely, slightly shaking from anger, disappointment, and confusion. “We’re going home.” 

“No.” 

I grabbed her arm, a little harder than I expected. She flinched, trying to shake me off. “Let go of me!” 

She tried pushing my hand away, pushing my arm away, pushing my body away, but it was no use. I only tightened my grip. It would’ve been tighter but a small whimper stopped me from going berserk. I started walking to where I came from, dragging her with me. 

Grabbing her bag, I pulled her with me. Eventually, she gave up on resisting and just followed me. I put her the passenger seat and grabbed the seat belt, buckling it for her. I made sure she looked at me before I gave my warning. “Don’t you dare.” I glared, scaring her like I never had. Her startled face almost made me feel bad. Almost.

Taking her racket and tennis ball out of her hands, I closed her door and set her things in the back. Just like that, she sat quietly as I drove back home. This was going to continue back home.

“I’m sorry.” I began, “I’m sorry you had to go through everything by yourself. I’m sorry.” She looked away, not knowing whether to accept it or not. “Joo-ah, I’m here now. You’re not alone anymore. You can confide in me. We’re in this together.” 

She turned to me with a dirty look, “We’re not in this together, Oppa. You haven’t been with us for five years! You wouldn’t understand. You missed the last five years with mom and dad! While you’ve been gone, I’ve been here. I was the one who greets them in the morning, ate with them every meal, and said the goodnights.” 

“Joo-ah, they’re my parents too.” I said, angry with the way she said it. 

She looked away again. “These past five years,” she sighed, “they thought about you, worried about you more than they did to their daughter who was right in front of them. When you came back, they were so happy.”

I stood there quietly, waiting for her to continue because I knew she had more to say. “When they died, you don’t know how much it affected me. I was the one who was with them the whole time! It was me who’s been by their side the whole time!”

Looking up at me, she shoved her finger at my chest. “So don’t tell me we’re in this together because we’re not! You don’t get to feel what I’m feeling. It’s not as bad for you. It’s not fair.”

I grabbed her hand, stopping her from shoving any longer. “Not fair? You think it’s not fair to have missed the last five years of mom and dad before they died? You don’t know how bad I feel for not being with them. I’ve missed so much Joo-ah. I missed all the moments I could have had. I just got back and I only got to see them for a short while before they left.”

“You got the see them everyday, talk to them everyday, eat with them everyday. If I had known what would’ve happened, I would’ve cherished our last few moments so much more. I regret so much for not spending enough time with them.” I unconsciously squeezed her hand as her eyes softened.

“After they had gone, you didn’t talk to me. You didn’t even look at me. You might’ve not needed me, but I needed you. You weren’t here, and before I knew it, I was losing you too.” I shook my head, unable to control my feelings in the moment. “You’re not the only one who’s suffering.” I said, letting go of her hand before leaving through the door.

Regret and realization; I saw on her face.

Warm tears; I felt on mine.

—

A/N:  hi. yeah i’m still alive ~

i didn’t even realize its been more than a year since the last update. (these past years have been passing by too fast! is it just me!?)

anyways this ch was so dramatic lol. i don’t visit asianfanfics that often anymore, but i will to update & finish this story bc stories deserve to be finished. til next time peeps!