[Previously: Junhyung’s thoughts about everything that happened so far, reflecting on his decision to leave 5 years ago. He thinks his relationship with Jinjoo has changed.]

JINJOO

    With Oppa back, we spend almost everyday together. Even though he’s got his own apartment now, he occasionally stays over at our house. He picks me up from school most of the times. I think it’s very inconvenient for him, but he always insists. “It’s too dangerous for you be alone,” he says. I get it and all but I’ve been doing that for the past four years. I can handle myself now. 

    He eats dinner with the three of us - dad, mom, and me - every other day if not everyday. Mom and dad sometimes even tells him that he didn’t have to since he’s got a life of his own now. With other friends he could hang out with and other stuff to do. They didn’t want to feel like they were chaining him down.

    “I want to be here.” Oppa always says and every single happy cell in my body is screaming around and infecting other cells into happy cells.

    I knew those five words weren’t entirely for me, but still. A girl can dream. The four of us do some family bonding from time to time during the weekends when everyone’s available. When my parents are out though, Oppa often hangs with me or even brings me along to hang with his other friends. 

    Even when he had work and a busy schedule, he’d still make time for me. Somehow, I feel like he’s only doing it to make up for loss time. Honestly, I love spending time with him, but I feel bad for taking up his time. It was Friday and he had just picked me up after tennis practice. We were sitting on a bench outside eating some ice cream even when we were about to have dinner soon. He had looked tired recently, which made me feel even worse for taking his time.

    “Oppa.” 

    He turned to me with a questioning face. I never hid anything from him and since I was a kid, I’ve always told him how I felt about things because he truly wanted to know. He never liked it if I didn’t like something or when something bothered me. So, here I am, confronting this situation I feel bad about.

    “Things been pretty busy lately huh?” I asked, trying to ease into it.

    He already finished his ice cream and was waiting for me. Leaning back, he put an arm around me. I felt butterflies in my stomach, but I quickly shooed them away. This wasn’t meant for anything romantic. It was just resting his arm on the bench, but it so happened to be his right arm and behind me. Nothing more. I know better than to think that it is something more because it obviously isn’t. Ugh, I just hate feeling like this.

    “You can say that.” He said, looking into the light sky turning dark.

    I looked at him with worry, “You look really tired. You need to sleep more or at least take a rest Oppa.” 

    His right hand came from the side and my head gently, “Thanks, but I don’t have time for that.” 

    “You would if you didn’t spend so much time with me.” 

    He gave me a knowing look. It was just a waiting face. Waiting for me to go on, but I grew up with him. He’s always too nice of a person to say anything too harsh to anyone. If you have something to say, just say it. To put it simply, that was what he meant.

    I sighed, “I mean, I really appreciate it. But I don’t want to waste your time.”

    Oppa’s tired face looked a little worse as he frowned at my words. He looked back ahead, staring at the empty streets or at the scenery. “Don’t ever say that. You never waste my time.” 

    I looked down and went for another scoop of my ice cream. Great. For some reason, I still felt bad, if not worse. Even if he said I didn’t waste his time, I still felt like he felt obligated to spend time with his sister. To make up for the loss years or something. Like he felt bad or maybe he felt that everything wasn’t the same. It was, though. To a certain extent. 

    “Oppa, I know you were gone for five years, but you don’t have to worry. Nothing’s changed between us. You’ll always be my oppa. The best in the whole wide world, remember?” I suddenly said, smiling at him.

    He wore a smile and I knew my words reassured him only by a little. Our relationship never stepped back. However, I knew he felt something change between the two of us. Not really change, but maybe hidden. Something I was hiding from him. He probably felt like I was building walls against him, but I wasn’t really. The walls are for me, so that I wouldn’t get hurt. 

    Little did he know, the one thing he so desperately wanted to know in order to fully get back our relationship was the very thing that could kill it.

— 

    I sighed, continuing eating my food while my parents were talking to oppa about his life and other stuff that has already been talked about. Work, friends, blah blah blah. My parents were going on a road trip tomorrow so this is going to be a family dinner before they leave me under oppa’s care until they come back. 

    Our dinners are normally boring, conversation wise. But tonight took a different turn. Dad drove right into a topic I was dreading yet dying to hear about. Oppa's love life.  

    “Your mom has been worried about you lately.”

    Oppa looked over at mom with a concerned face, “For what?”

    “Nothing really,” Mom started but give or take a few seconds and she’ll spill everything. “Okay, so we’ve been thinking, you’re already twenty eight and going to turn twenty nine this year.” 

    My eyes darted to oppa’s face. A little confused, but he knows theres something. “Yeah?” He asked.

    “You’re not young anymore. You need to go out more and meet more people.” Oh mom, there you go again. While grateful for him being with us, she’s always worried about holding him back. I don’t understand how we are but ok.

    “I’m happy with my friends, Mom.” He smiled, grateful for her caring about him.

    Dad cleared his throat, “She means meet someone. A girlfriend perhaps?” 

    The room went quiet. I swear my body went cold for a second. So this was what they meant! Not wanting to hold him back for his love life! Ugh of course. This whole entire time, I knew this was going to happen. He obviously had to have a love life. I mean, come on. He’s a total package. There was no way he didn’t have one. There was no way I could keep him all to myself for all my life. I was just being in denial. Man, I’m such an idiot.

    A sudden laugh from oppa interrupted my internal dilemma. “What? Why are you laughing?” Mom asked.

    “This is nothing to laugh about Junhyung. I want to have a daughter-in-law. I want grandchildren! You know, your dad and I are not young anymore.” 

    “Mom!” I looked at her dumbfounded, “Don’t say things like that.” She sounded like they were going to leave earth soon which wasn’t the case because they still have a long way to go.

    “She’s right.” Dad agreed.

    “Dad!” My eyes widened. “You both still have time. Oppa still has time. Theres no need to rush things.” 

    Oppa chuckled, placing his hand to relax my tense shoulder. “Thanks Joo-ah, but it’s okay.” 

    What? So he agrees with them? Or is he fine with the idea of a girlfriend? I can’t change that, can I? Well, how come they never ask me about boyfriends!? Not that I would ever think of having one, but still. It wasn’t fair.

    “Don’t worry Mom and Dad. I was actually going to ask you guys if you wanted to meet a special someone after you come back from your trip.”

    “A special someone?” Mom and I asked simultaneously. Mom, excited. Me, horrified. And Dad… looked satisfied with the news. 

    “Why didn’t you tell us?” Mom and I asked simultaneously again, but instead of ‘us’ I said ‘me.’ One again, mom, excited. Me, horrified.

    Oppa smiled facing our parents, “I wanted to surprise you guys.” He looked at me apologetically. We told each other everything before. Now… not so much. I can’t believe it. Why do I feel so betrayed right now? I honestly had the right to know. I’m his sister!

    Not sure of what or how to act, I just went back to eating while Mom and Dad conversed about his girlfriend. Her name was Song Yu-hwa. According to Junhyung oppa, she’s beautiful, hardworking, confident, and etc…  so basically, perfect. 

    Oh brother. Literally. 

— 

    Mom and dad were hyped about his girlfriend. They were so excited, they almost canceled their road trip, but didn’t since everything was packed already. We bid our farewells and wished them a safe trip the next morning. 

    Oppa had to go out the day so I stayed home and just did a bunch of random things to pass time since it was a weekend. Honestly, I couldn’t even get over the fact that oppa had a girlfriend and didn’t even tell me.

    Groaning, I grabbed my phone and did a search. I told myself to not do this but I really couldn’t help myself. After a few more types, clicks, and scrolls, I groaned again.

    “Are you serious!?” I yelled to no one. Looking at my screen, I scanned some key words that caught my eye. “Flawless gem or jewel!? Gentle? Flower? Blossoms? Harmony? Peace!?” 

    I sighed, rolling my eyes. “Even her name means pretty things!”

    Annoyed and frustrated. That was how I felt that day. But no matter what, it all came down to disappointment. I was disappointed in myself. Not for feeling like a total fail compared to his girlfriend. Okay, maybe a little. But disappointed in myself for having feelings for Junhyung oppa when I know it was wrong to begin with.

    “Hey, you okay?” Oppa asked. We were watching tv on the couch after eating dinner at first. “You’ve been really quiet since I got back home. You miss Mom and Dad already?” 

    “Yep. It’s all good.” I gave him a small smile and a shrug, keeping my eyes glued onto the screen. We sat on the opposite sides of the couch with backs leaning on the armrests and legs stretched out in the middle of the couch. Mine were toward the inner couch and his were next to mine on the outer part. If it weren’t some other way, we sat like this a lot when we were kids.

    His legs always reached my sides since he was always taller. Mine probably went up to his knees when I was a kid. I looked at where my feet were now. I couldn’t see where they were because we shared a blanket, but I knew they reached his sides now. 

    “Joo-ah.” 

    “Hm?” I responded, not looking away from the tv even though it was on commercial. I felt his foot gently tap my side to get attention. 

    “Joo-ah.” He called again.

    “Hm?” This time I turned to him.

    He was reading me before giving me a sad smile. “Did I do something?” 

    Oh, not again. What is up with him and reading my mind! The cons of knowing how to read your sibling, I inwardly sighed. No matter what, there’s no use trying to hide it, he’ll figure it out sooner or later.

    I didn’t even answer his question, but just dived right into it since I was kind of pissed. “Why didn’t you tell me? About you know… your girlfriend.” I ended up mumbling the last part since it was so awkward for me to say that out loud for some reason.

    He fell silent for a moment, letting the sounds of whatever the tv was airing fill the room. “It was supposed to be a surprise.” 

    “We used to tell each other everything.” Without thinking, the words just slipped, bringing up the old days. Crap. The sensitive me got a hold of me now.

    I think that he knew I was hurt at the moment so he decided to make me feel better, I guess. “I know. It was a surprise, but if you ever asked, I would’ve told you then and there.” 

    Like that made me feel any better! No it did not! “When were we ever at a level to ask each other for information? Especially these kind of information. I thought we were closer than that.” I said, with absolutely zero intentions of it sounding mean. It was just how I felt at the moment.

    He must’ve been shook or something because he didn’t say anything. Maybe he didn’t know what to say, but it seemed like I couldn’t stop myself from saying stupid things. “I’m just sad, I guess. Because you hid something from… me, who has shared everything with you.” 

    “Joo-ah, it’s not that big of a deal.” He tried comforting me.

    “Oppa, she’s your girlfriend. It’s a pretty big deal. Anything important to you is important to me.” 

    By the looks of it, it seemed like he accepted the situation and was kind of guilty for keeping it a secret. Secrets to our parents were okay, but from me was a no no.

    “What about you?” He suddenly asked.

    “What do you mean?”

    “You’ve been hiding something from me ever since I came back.” 

    “I haven’t.” I answered. My heart beated faster and I could feel my adrenaline pumping. Already feeling guilty of lying and scared since it was a first. To him at least.

    “If you want to know so badly, all you can do is ask.” I said, slightly touching upon that remark he made earlier about how I could’ve known about Yu-hwa if I had only just asked.

    There was a debate going on in his head. About what, I don’t know. I think I might’ve offended him a little. Men and their egos after all. “Do you have a… boyfriend?” He asked, saying the last word quite awkwardly. 

    Well, that was out of the blue, wasn’t it? Actually not really, since it fits the context. “No.” 

    “Okay then.” He said, before returning to the show we were watching. I guess that was it. That was the breaking even thing to a otherwise really weird conversation. We watched for a long while before I got up to get some water. By the time I came back, he was fully sprawled on the couch. With his head on his armrest, his body took up the entire couch while he had his eyes closed.

    He must’ve been so tired. He has been very busy lately. I pulled on the blanket, covering his shoulders. I’m sorry.

    I have been hiding something from you Oppa. My feelings. 

    I felt so guilty for lying earlier but I had to. Now that he had fallen asleep, there wasn’t any harm in confessing, was there?     

    “I love you.” I whispered. He was probably asleep already, I didn’t even expect him to answer, let alone hear it. But he did. And his response tore me apart.

    “I love you too, Joo-ah.” He whispered back in his husky voice. I silently sighed. I got my confession down. But as much as I loved how he accepted it, he didn’t even know it was a confession.

    Not the way I love you, oppa. But I really wish you did.

—

A/N: Like wo, I updated… this is a pretty long chapter isn’t it? OMG I’m having so much feels for this story lately!! Thanks for reading this readers! I hope you are enjoying it! Share me your thoughts on how you feel about it so far!