JINJOO

I love my life. 

I got a pair of hardworking and loving parents who always want the best for me. I also got a handsome and wonderful brother a girl can ever ask for. Our family was pretty fortunate. We’re not the richest nor the poorest. I’d say we’re pretty well to do. 

My parents love me and I love them too, but they would push me into doing a lot of activities even though I wasn’t very good at them. I was so different from my brother, who was so talented and smart. Everyone I ever knew always had something good to say about my brother. 

“Your brother is so handsome!”

“He has such good manners!”

“That boy is so talented!” 

“What a genius!”

Indeed he was. I never disagreed with their compliments about him. Was I jealous? Not really. I was just disappointed in myself for never being as great as him. I wasn’t even on the same level. This was pretty much why my parents were harder on me than on him. He’s perfectly fine and I’m imperfectly… not.

Ever since I was young, I was pretty clumsy. When I was a kid, I would always fall and get myself a bunch of scrapes and scratches. Teachers and homework gave me nightmares; I wasn’t the smartest. I dreaded the feeling of waiting who the teacher was going to call on next. Worst of all, I was a crybaby. Yeah, I cried when I fall and I cried when I didn’t understand my homework. I was just a hopeless, dependent, naive, little girl leaving a trail of mistakes and tears everywhere she went. So, how could I still been so happy with my life? 

Simple. My older brother, Yong Junhyung.

He and I are ten years apart. A pretty big gap, but we get along really well. You see, my parents never knew how to handle me, ever. I ran all over the place and spoke with no filter. I do things without thinking and I’m the crybaby that never shuts up until she feels like it. In return, they would scold me until I stop or until I get things right. I don’t think they ever knew that scolding just made everything worse for me. Even if I looked better on the outside and finally started to do things right, I still felt like the same useless and broken girl I was when I was crying. Nothing and no one can ever stop me from feeling like this. 

No one except for my dear oppa. 

He knew I could never learn when I was scolded. He knew I was crying inside when I wasn’t on the outside. He knew I always held negative thoughts about myself even when I probably wasn’t even aware of them myself. He had the patience to teach me and to talk to me until I fully understood. And at the end of every day, he always manages to make me feel better. 

Junhyung oppa seems to be the only person who treats me like I matter in this world. (Don’t get me wrong, my parents do too, but they don’t ever seem to understand me enough to treat me the way oppa treats me.) Even when I was the five-year old kid compared to his fifteen year old teenager self, he was always kind and gentle with me. Funny, because he wasn’t kind and gentle to other people, like Appa and Umma nor his friends. I mean he was, but not the way he was with me. Sometimes, I feel like he’s an entirely different person towards me. Not in a fake nor restricted way. It was real.

He smiled, talked, and laughed a lot more when he was with me. And obviously, so did I. Everyone knew he loved his little sister very much and vice-versa. We just had a tight relationship that no one could really understand nor try to understand. When I fall, he picks me back up. When I’m stuck, he pulls me through. When I want to cry, he lets me. When I was confused, he would teach me until I understand. When I hurt, he magically kisses the pain away. Maybe it was because I was young, that I couldn’t do all these things for him, but he knew I always wanted to help him the way he did for me. I promised myself that I’ll always be there for him because I knew he was always there for me. 

But when I was thirteen and still in middle school, Junhyung oppa decided to move out. To go out, get a job, and experience the world. It was time for him to be independent. I remember I nearly lost it when I found out.

“Oppa, do you not love me anymore? Is that why you’re leaving?” I asked him, tears pouring down my eyes.

He patted my head gently, “No Joo-ah, I’m twenty-three now. I need to go out and take care of myself on my own. To feed my own mouth and work hard until I become successful.”

I wiped my tears away which was completely pointless because they were immediately replaced by new ones, “But-but, what about me? Are you going to forget about me now?” 

“Of course not, my little Joojoo. I’ll never forget about you.” He sighed, “Don’t worry, I’m not going away forever. Don’t cry little one or you’ll make oppa sad.” 

At this point, I knew whatever I said wasn’t going to make him stay. All I could do was try to stop crying, which worked because I really didn’t want oppa to be sad when this was maybe the last time I see him until a very long time. He pulled my tiny little body to his big one, his hand my hair. “Be good and wait for me. I love you,” he whispered. 

Maybe it was because I was at the age where developing crushes were very common, but at that moment, I swear my heart skipped a beat as I heard those three words come out of his mouth. Strange thing was, he’d always tell me he loves me, but this was the first time he ever said it to me in a way that it gave me weird feelings. Romantic feelings. Feelings I shouldn’t be having... for him.

Maybe it was the way he said it. Or maybe it was how everything played out. I don’t know and I don’t think I would ever know. All I knew was that I wasn’t able to respond as he drew away from me. As much as I wanted to pull him back, my body felt limp, as if it was telling me to let go of him. It was as if he used his magic on me... again. Like all the other times he did to cheer me up. But it was different that day. 

His words shut me up. His hug held me back. 

But why? Why did he do that? Why didn’t I reach out for him when he was leaving me behind? Oh, right. His magic. Curse his powers! But I couldn’t deny that there was also a little part of me that kept telling me to stop dragging him down and to set him free. And I listened. Unfortunately.

He placed one of his sweet healing kisses on my forehead and gave me one of his beautiful smiles, both in which I felt were going to be the last ones until the very next time we meet. Something told me, a very long time. I might’ve been imagining it, but as much as they were magical and beautiful like all his other kisses and smiles were, I felt as if they were sorrowful as well. Heartbroken, even. 

He turned around and walked away from me. Away from our parents. Away from our home. And that was it. Him walking away with his back facing towards me was the last I saw of my brother when he left.

He really wanted this. He wanted to leave home. Leave me. All for what? His purpose in life? His career? Both, I guess. I didn’t understand it then, but I think I do now. 

Jump forward five years and I’m in my last year of high school now. I’m no longer that helpless little child that did things recklessly nor the girl who dreaded to be picked on. No longer that kid who couldn’t do anything right and that crybaby that cried almost every night. Appa and Umma no longer pushed me into doing extra curricular activities now. I’m actually quite involved in school and outside activities.

Swimming, badminton, tennis, golf, pool, ping pong, and softball. Yes, I played, for school or for fun. Though I wasn’t ever an athlete, practice made perfect, and although I’m not perfect, practice made me a lot better than how I used to play. My grades were not that bad either. I grew to love math, which was very strange since I used to hate it so much. People no longer came up to me to talk about my brother, they came up to me to talk to me. 

Trust me, I’m not perfect nor a natural at things, but I’ve come to accept who I am and what I do. To my surprise, I became an optimist. People even view me as a very hyper and positive person because I like to have fun and give my everything when I do stuff. Sometimes, people would laugh (not in a good way), but it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I have better things to think about. Things that are worth thinking about.

Like when I will get to see oppa again. He’s been busy lately. Ever since he left, he’s been working, traveling, and more working. And somehow, in such a short time, he became his own boss. He really did it. He worked hard and eventually became successful. I’m really happy for him. We’ve kept in contact for most of the time. He might’ve left physically, but he’s still with us as long as we can contact him through the phone. The thing was, my family never knew where he would be or when he was available, so every time we talked to each other, it was always him who called. He called whenever he could and stayed however long he could. Even though sometimes it wasn’t as long or as frequent as I liked, I appreciate that he still did it. 

He’s still the oppa I turn to when I’m in trouble. But, I don’t really get into trouble anymore. Though recently, the only trouble I’ve been dealing with was with Appa and Umma. They’re trying to get me to go study abroad, but I want to stay and go college here. Where my home is. (And maybe because I’m waiting for oppa to come back, but mainly because I really didn’t want to leave.)

So, I’ll be talking about school and he’ll be talking about work, and we both try to solve each other’s problems. In a way, I’m happier now that I feel like I can actually help him feel less stressed about work. He might not know this but his calls were what I looked forward to at home because listening to his voice was as close as I could get to him. 

Even though I hate to admit it, I think it was good that oppa left. Because if he never left, I don’t think I could’ve become the strong person I am today. Instead, I’ll probably still be the quiet and clumsy girl who’s way too dependent on others. Especially on him.

—

“Jin! Come over here!” 

I told my partner to keep playing without me and got out of my court, running to the coach. “Yes Coach?” 

“I need you to play singles 4 today. Chaneun can’t play because of her arm.” 

I nodded, “Okay. Thanks Coach.” Nervous, but excited, I headed back and continued to warm up. 

“Good game.” I shook her hand and nodded my head in acknowledgment after the game ended.

“Good game.” My opponent said back as I heard the rest of my team cheering. My team had already finished playing before me, but some lost and some won. I was their deciding match. Because I won my match, our school won against the other school. 

After cleaning up, our team went our separate ways. I headed to our school’s locker rooms and took a shower before I left for home. While making my way towards home, a familiar ringtone rang and I picked up my phone without looking who the caller ID was, "Hello?"

"Joo-ah." 

There was only one person who called me that. Junhyung oppa. And that was it. I think my heart exploded then and there! Saying my name was all it took. I jumped with joy and silently squealed with a smile I couldn't wipe off. Two ahjummas who walked near me looked at me like I was crazy. I slightly bowed my head to them and tried to maintain myself again. "Ahem, hello? Oppa!?" 

I didn't see it, but I knew he smiled at that moment. "Where are you?" 

"Heading home right now. I'm like a block away. What are you up to right no-Wait! How are you calling me on my cellphone right now? Are you here in Korea right now?" 

There was no answer. No way. He is in Korea! "Yah! Where are you?" 

"Home." He said, waiting for my reaction. I was too happy and surprised to say anything.

My legs started to sprint that whole block towards our house before I even told them to. I wasn't ever a fast runner, but that must've been the fastest I've ran in my entire life because I reached home before I even realized I was running. My hands shook with so much excitement that I had a hard time finding my keys in my sports bag. I didn't need them anyway because he'll open it in 3... 2...

The door opened and I saw an angel. He was so beautiful, even more beautiful than he was before. Was that even possible? He got a lot more handsome and maybe even a little taller. He lost weight for sure, but he looked healthy, which was all I cared about. His eyes. Gosh his eyes. So warm and loving. Still the same pair of eyes from five years ago.

As much as I wanted to keep staring, I stopped, dropped everything, and just tackled him with the biggest hug I could give. I felt him falter a bit with the impact but he held his ground nonetheless. He must've been working out because I never remembered his body being so solid. That didn't matter though. 

What mattered was that he was here. Right now and right here, in my arms. I held him so tight, any normal person would've told me to loosen up. He didn't. Instead, he held me tighter. Wow, this man. 

My heart raced as we stayed in each other's embraces. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but when we parted, I finally had a chance to look at him up close. Perfection at its finest. I was so happy I even kissed his cheek. I'd always loved that I could do that. Guilty confession, I might've taken advantage of this sometimes. He smiled and ran his thumb across my face. Apparently, he was wiping the tear I didn't even realize I cried. 

No one said anything. He just looked at me. As much as I loved him staring, I couldn't stand it. Every single time, it was as if he was staring straight into my soul. It was like he could read me and just knew what I was feeling. That's when I remember that I love him so much and maybe a little too much. That I love him more than a brother. That I really shouldn't.

I hugged him again, not letting him stare for too long or else he would know. I closed my eyes and he kissed my head. The day was getting cold, but I was burning up at the moment. The things this man does to me. I sighed lightly, breaking the silence, "I waited." 

"I know." He my hair and kissed my head again, "And I'm here to stay."

A/N: LOL (this chapter is making me laugh)... I just can't lol. Did you all hear Junhyung's new solo album? It's beautiful OMG and giving me some inspiration for the future chapters so look out! ;) 

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