6th

Jaebum. The only thing occupied Mark’s mind for the rest of weekend and the better part of this week. Ever since meeting him, a lot of thing that usually crossed his mind in random way has been pushed away. The thought of Jaebum and all things that associated with the man have been dominating the better and bigger part of Mark’s mind. Even at works. A place that he always been able losing his mind into. Facing numbers and charts always take out his mind from any complicated situation he has been suffering outside. Mark always pride himself to be an achiever type. Always proactive and doing each one of his assignment using his full capacity. Always earning an A+ for monthly progress evaluation from his supervisor.

However for this past couple weeks, his supervisor already warned him twice about the apparent down-falling quality of his work pace and work load. He fell behind the schedule and submitted his report past deadline. All thanks to a certain man that invading the bigger part of his mind. Jaebum.

Day time, Mark spends daydreaming over the man. Night time, Mark spends having a wet dream about the man. Waking up in wee hour of the night, he sometimes stares at his ceiling. Looking at his reflection from the mirrored ceiling of his bedrooms. Replaying every encounter he had so far with Jaebum. Remembering every words, reminiscing every touch. And rewinding every kiss.

Everything seems so fast-paced. He was barely catching up his breath and regaining his footing, before the next encounter came to knock him backward even further. Is it something more than lust? He doesn’t really know the answer. Regardless, he senses something more than a round or weeks of sweaty- that he could extract from his possible future with Jaebum. He will be able being himself. I will finally be free.

Is it selfish of me wanting to keep Jaebum for himself? Snatching it from Jackson? Yes, he might be. And this exact thought is preventing him to take a hand that has been Jaebum extending to him since weeks ago. Not to mention, the scratch. The possibility of many conquest Jaebum is seeing right now. If Mark finally takes the final leap, he wants it to be worth his while. Even if what he will have with Jaebum only last for some moment, he wants to leave a trace. Just how Jaebum already left a trace on his memory, even when the real moment between them has not even begun.

The man sure is a form of enigma. The many faces, the moody emotion. The hot and cold. Jaebum could be seductive. He could be sarcastic, even downward an  at times. He could be flirty, he could also be sweet. Another thing that scared Mark. He could be the Dom for Jackson, but he also capable to kiss Mark softly like he is the most fragile things in the world. Which one is the real Jaebum? Is the Jaebum that Mark seeing somewhat different from the Jaebum that Jackson met? Which Jaebum I will get?

If Mark making a list, the contra would be in form of a very extensive line and line and lines to the reason why being with Jaebum is such a bad idea. Adding to obvious reason above, is the fact that he only knows the man for month and a half. And, it is not like he spend all day every day with him. There is many facet to Jaebum that he still doesn’t know. This aspect actually could be served as a pro too in which he needs to know more of the man in personal level, not from his assumption or from his conclusion seeing the man with another person. Should I give Jaebum benefit of the doubt?

Regardless all the negativity, Mark is very aware that there is one reason which making him ready to forfeit all the contra. The yes is already on the tip of his tongue for this one reason only.

The fire. The fire that Jaebum possess. And how it is affecting Mark. How with each encounter, Mark could physically feel the reaction it induced on his own fire. How bit by bit, with each closer Jaebum ministration, and determination to break down Mark’s wall, Mark could feel his box burnt away slowly and after years, he could finally breathe. The emotion he repressed, the need to live up to people expectation, the strong force to fit in a box are finally fly away. He could voice out his own opinion, not being afraid how anyone else perceived it, how it possibly make people change their perception of him. And, it feels very liberating. That moment in the stairs. The exact moment where he was not only felt that the box caging him was burnt down, but also felt that the fire inside him rebirth slowly.

Don't hide it Mark, I know it is there in you.

The knowing mind. The encouraging gesture. Jaebum always freely gave it to him. Sure sometimes the way he voiced it out seems too crude for Mark liking, but the bluntness of it probably was the only way to make the message soaked in to the core of Mark being. And also, Mark could not forget of how on several earlier encounter, Jaebum always counter-attack every harsh word came from his own mouth with a simple gesture of sorry. Which somehow always Mark bypass during his emotional state.

Let me ignites the fire back to your eyes. I want to.

What Mark still can’t figure out is, what does Jaebum get from all this? Why he gone out of his way convincing Mark to stop living his life like this. Is it because of ? Well, Jaebum could simply seduce him straight away or wine and dine him without even touching the hefty subject that related to the core of Mark’s existence. Why Jaebum willing to jump all the hassle for a night with Mark?

Say the attraction is the answer. Is it deep enough for Jaebum to be willingly discard everyone else to be with Mark? Because, if Mark will take the final leap, it is his only condition. The problem is he doesn’t want Jaebum to think he is a possessive and whiny type. Asking is overrated. If Mark wants it to happen according with his condition, he needs to orchestra it himself.

He needs to play this card right.

###

And yet.

Not even a week after, Mark meets him again. The unrelenting bastard. It is the first thing crossed Mark’s mind when he got out of the elevator and found Jaebum leaning against the wall off to the side his apartment door. What I am gonna do with you, Jaebum? All he needs is a bit space. To let his mind battling between his conscience and his logic. And he needs to do that in a neutral zone, where Jaebum’s presence wouldn’t mucking his brain with a promise of what could be between them. Seems the bastard knowing this state too, and with how he even has a bravery to show up twice in his personal space without an invitation, Jaebum starts to look a tad bit too desperate in showcasing his strong determination.

Mark halts his step. Looking ahead to the end of this long hallway. Wanting to know if Jaebum is aware he is not alone here anymore. Waiting in front of someone’s apartment on unassuming Friday evening and still looking like a million-bucks even when he clearly dressed down in grey sweatpants and simple white t-shirt. Face clear of an annoyed aura usually present in a person who has waited for a long time. If any, Jaebum’s face seems too calm. Like he has all the patient in the world and could wait for thousand years if it is necessary. So different from the man who ed me on the basement parking lot.

At the sound of approaching footsteps, Jaebum obviously notices him. He is straightening his posture and repositioning his arm to shove it inside his pants pocket. Jaebum is looking at him. With his stoic face, and sharp eyes. What is he thinking in that witty brain of his? Mark continues to walk, staring straight ahead to his door, but he stops in front of Jaebum. It is not a time for another run. He needs to let Jaebum know that his backbone which provoked from the last time he slapped Jaebum is still intact. That this Mark is not the easily flushed and opt to fly rather than fight from their first meeting. If this Mark is what Jaebum want, Mark needs to know it.

Mark rotates his body to Jaebum’s direction. Step once forward, so they only left with an enough space for them to comfortably looking at each other. Mark needs the closeness. He should be able to see Jaebum’s eyes. The glimmer of emotion behind it. The fire that surrounding the soul reflected on the man’s eyes. Mark looks into them, to the bottomless of black orbs. Searching and waiting.

The time is standing still. Neither of them are moving. Jaebum is staring right back at Mark. Eyes still unreadable. The soul is still vacant. Not judging, not observing, and not calculating. He shields me from his fire. And that alone is much of punishment for Mark. He craves the eyes that telling him everything, rich with emotion, honest to the finest, and induce a heat to his own fire. But apparently, Jaebum puts up his wall and conceals all thing that Mark unconsciously taken for granted before now. Denied the privileged, now Mark understand. That Jaebum is just like him. Hard to let people in. Choose to share what people wants him as. And all along, every encounter, Jaebum lets Mark dive into his real soul slowly. Let Mark swims and weighs for himself if he likes it enough to continue exploring the depth, or… deem it as too much with how seemingly bottomless abyss Jaebum’s soul represent. The fire is the indication. The bigger Mark can see the fire means the wider Jaebum opens his door for Mark to see. And to see the fire is not there… I feel void. He feels the urge to ignite it back into Jaebum’s eyes. To let the fire getting bigger and bigger. To let himself be burnt with it. Is this how Jaebum feels about me? Why he wants to ignite my fire? This void I feel when knowing that the eyes once, possess a fiery red fire capable to burn anything into ash on it wakes?

What is he doing here? Several minutes ticking by. And still nothing. Only two pairs of eyes looking at each other. The softness of their breathing almost served as a lullaby in the dimly lit hallway. The carpet below Mark’s feet is too thick suddenly. He seems sinking into it bit by bit. There is no battle on their stare. No one asserting power for the other people to look away first. No battle of determination. No stubbornness show down. They just… looking into each other. With eyes that said nothing, but mind surely running a mile per second. Gauging and waiting where this would lead them.

He is not the one who waiting around in front of someone’s personal space. Then, hell damn, he will not be saying anything first. And it has gone for too long. He will not waste away his evening like this. Mark is simple man, and logical at that. Seeing Jaebum appears not gonna say anything, Mark moves away from his place and steps aside to the front of his apartment door. From the corner of his eyes, he notices that Jaebum still looking straight ahead.

Mark swipes his thumb into the panel and enters his passcode. He is gripping the antique design of his door handle, when a soft voice speaking to him from the side. “Why you so adamantly fighting off this attraction?” Jaebum at last, is looking at him. There. The fire. The fire is back. Albeit a small flicker. But it is there. His own body comes alive. It feels like a junkie getting his fix after days without. 

The question. Mark slowly looks to the side. Looking at the beautiful side profile of Jaebum. The eyes that previously staring ahead, now looking at the lush carpet in front of him. The question gets to him, and Jaebum knows this. Because the man slowly smile while still looking at his own feet. A smile that makes his face look… sad.

Another soft voice calling to him. This time with more force than before. “What are you so afraid of, Mark?”

Mark’s grip on his door handle tighten. He grips it so hard, his hand turns white from the pressure. What I am so afraid of? He knows the answer, but to voice it out loud means he acknowledge it as something that bugging his mind enough. And I don’t want you to know, Jaebum. While you already could read me as an open book.

“Tell me,” the sadness intensified, why are you sad Jaebum? Mark baffled. What game he plays now? Sympathy? Empathy? Pity? He can’t trust Jaebum easily. He keeps chanting this on his mind until the one word he never thinks would come out from Jaebum’s mouth resounding deep into his soul. “…please.”

Please. Jaebum is saying please to me. This commanding man with a pride as tall as Everest. Stunned, Mark lets his grip off the door handle. He is eyeing Jaebum warily. Jaebum had said the magic word. He lows his inhibition door for Mark even lower than before. Just how many things would Jaebum does for him?

Mark lets the dam broke, voicing out the very things that made him going back and forth on his start line of a possible journey, with Jaebum waiting on the finish point. “I don’t want to be just another Jackson for you, okay? Some side character you easily brushed up his existence by referring him as ‘he is no one you should concern about’ when the next people catching your eyes ask what he is to you. I am so sick of pretending something that I am not for these past years as you so kindly pointed out to me last week. And now when I am deciding it is time for me to stay true to myself, I’m gonna start it with you, with whatever this is going on between us. You have so many faces, I don’t even know which one is real. It scared me. You scared me.”

The shield is gone. A thousand of emotion freely showcased in Jaebum’s eyes. Mark’s confession triggers Jaebum to break down his cautious wall which was shielding him from Mark earlier. A million colors swirling behind the dark orbs. Entwining into one color that he held very dear, the red. The honesty is softening the fire scorched that dominating just moment before. The gentleness on his stare, as if a way of Jaebum telling him that he really appreciates Mark’s honesty.

A hand caressing his shoulder, a thumb circling his collar bone. The moment feels so magical, Mark is trapped in the softness of Jaebum’s eyes. Jaebum moves from the wall he’s been propped. He situations himself in front of Mark. Another of his hand grabs Mark’s on his side. Slowly interlacing their finger, just like the last time. Another caress on his shoulder, and a murmur, “Don’t be scared, Mark”. It is spoken so tenderly Mark wonders if it is really happening.

The stare softens even more. Like it is possible. The gleaming on Jaebum’s eyes interweave with something warm that Mark could feel it seeping through his bone. It almost feels like… a loving stare. The fondness… is very apparent. No, Mark. Don’t go there.

The caress on his shoulder drifts lower to his side, and clasps his lax hand tighter. “Don’t be afraid of us.” And Jaebum leans in.

A sliver of sparkly silver catches Mark eyes, right before their lips meet. Jaebum’s chapped lips feels weird against his own, but they move in a familiar way with each other. The passion includes in every movement of Jaebum’s lips