They lose it. Completely. Utterly.

They start the morning with Jongin helping the elder to reach the bathroom, then Sehun promising Jongin to help him in the kitchen despite his state, and then finally the silence that envelops them wholly.

Although Sehun starts it, Jongin is no less of a participant. Sehun sits on a stool kept in a corner of the kitchen, occasionally helping the younger when he asks for something. His eyes, though, are fixed resolutely on Jongin’s body line, eyes taking in the curves and edges of his lithe frame. Dancer, he thinks with a smile, eyes ping ponging from head to toe as to not miss anything that might show how precious his whole frame is.

Sehun wants to ask why he doesn’t dance, so he does, reminded of the fact that he’d talked to the choreographer himself for Jongin’s ballet classes. “I talked to her, she will be delighted to hear from you,” he adds after telling Jongin about his talk with the dancer. “She loves talent.”

“I am no talent,” Jongin replies with a mad blush, ever the humble being that he has been.

“Please,” he says, teases; “everyone in the company is talking about a particular talent ever since the video got viral. I am afraid someone would upload it on the Internet, who knows what would happen next.”

Jongin gasps. “You will not.”

“Oops,” Sehun says, in the most unapologetic tone Jongin has ever heard. “Someone did that last night already.”

Jongin almost freaks out.

“I mean, I am sure everyone must be talking about you by now. The country is going crazy over someone.”

“You did not,” Jongin says, but he’s blushing and he’s looking excited as well. Sehun’s heart races.

“I did,” he repeats. “Check wherever you want, baby. I am not gonna stop you~”

“Oh God, no.” Jongin runs out of the kitchen to, probably, check the news channels. Sehun silently waits on the stool with a grin, hoping that his legs weren’t as uselessly painful as they currently are so that he could see the exact expression the younger will wear upon seeing such news.

Jongin doesn’t return for the next five minutes, much to his displeasure, but then he hears a loud thump the next second and heavy footsteps coming towards the kitchen. He laughs a little to himself; Jongin is a cutie, he’s probably stomping his foot to intimidate him. Sehun couldn’t be more amused than he is right now.

“Hyung,” Jongin says, whines, eyes wide and confused. “Why did you do that? I-it’s all over—”

“You’re all around,” he corrects with a smile, watching as Jongin fusses over a little. “Hey, Jongin,” he gently calls, eyes nervous but comforting nonetheless. “If you don’t want that, then you don’t need to. If there’ll be no response, then everyone will forget about this. About you.”

Jongin is silent for some moments, Sehun takes it as an initiative to apologize for doing such thing without asking the younger. “I am sorry, I should have asked you before uploading that. It’s no wonder that after uploading that video from the company channel, it received so much attention. Plus the title…”

“The title?” Jongin prompts, walking a little close to him. “What did you put the name as?”

Sehun cowers a little, remembering back to the moment when Jongin had slapped him. “Our secret weapon?”

Jongin’s cheeks are red, Sehun doesn’t know if that’s because he’s angry or because he’s happy.

“Dancing has always been my passion,” Jongin begins all of a sudden, leaning against the counter, just beside the elder. Sehun relaxes. “I just forgot about it after life happened. That wasn’t good anyway, that was rusty. Why did that get so popular?”

“Because you don’t know your worth? That was what millions of people thrive to do.” Sehun provides, hand hesitantly reaching out for Jongin’s. “That wasn’t rusty, Jongin. If anything, I am a hundred percent sure everyone would be running around to find this hidden fire.” He intertwines their fingers, Jongin’s eyes falls on their linked hands. He looks satisfied with something; Sehun doesn’t know what that is. “I was flattered to know my assistant is so talented. More than me.”

Jongin giggles into his free hand; Sehun thinks that’s an adorable sight. “You’re really strange.”

“Strange?” Sehun repeats. “Is complimenting someone for their talent is strange?” A sudden burst of bravery travels through his veins and before he knows, he’s already tugging the younger close to him. Jongin voluntarily stands between his legs, naturally. He brings his hands and wraps them around Jongin’s thighs, pulling him on his lap. Jongin gasps at first, but relaxes when Sehun promises that he is not going to hurt him. “You weigh nothing, just so you know. If I were alright right now, I could have carried you in my arms, I would have done that without breaking a sweat.”

Jongin doesn’t say anything and simply stares at their linked hands on his lap. His hair fall over his eyes, his cheeks are red, lips swollen with how much he’d bitten them in the last few minutes. Sehun thinks this is a sight that he wants to see everyday; morning or night, that doesn’t matter.

When he leans up to kiss the other, Jongin flinches and backs away from him a little. A tear slips out of his right eye, Sehun wipes it away.

“Kyungsoo,” Jongin chokes when Sehun rubs a thumb over his plush bottom lip. Sehun stops his movement at the name. “He will hate me.”

“He will hate you for being happy?” He asks, gently, although the anger is soaring high. “Will he hate you for doing what you’ve always wanted to?” Jongin doesn’t answer, Sehun starts with a sigh. “He will not, if he loved you truly from here,” he stops to poke Jongin's chest, just above his heart. “If he ever did from here, then he would be delighted to know that you're happy.”

He brushes aside the fringes, eyes taking in the red rimmed eyes. “Do I make you happy?”

Jongin is silent.

“Jongin,” he calls, nudging the younger's chin, a sign for him to look at him. “Do I?”

Jongin gives a small, hesitant nod in return.

“Do I make you feel something?” Jongin gives another nod. “Will you tell me what?”

“Y-you make me feel…” Jongin stops and bites his lower lip, “Mushy mushy.” Sehun grins, satisfied. “Like Kyungsoo used to.”

Sehun's mood deflates a little at the comparison. He doesn't like to be compared to a man who has ruled Jongin's heart for years and refuses to leave even after five years of his death.

“Just more intense,” the younger adds. “More passionate.”

“Like this?” He asks a minute later, his lips meeting Jongin's in a chaste kiss. It's only when Jongin trembles a little under his touch that he forces himself more on the younger, hands clutching Jongin's waist tighter by every passing second. Jongin seems hesitant when he wraps his arms around his shoulders, breathing heavy and ragged into a few seconds of their kiss. “You make me feel like that, too.”

Sehun kisses him a like a starved beast, like a thirsty animal who has found the only source of quenching his thirst in the man on his lap. He kisses Jongin as if his life depends on it, nothing else can save him than this human in his arms.

Jongin, Jongin is as docile as he has always been, more if possible now that he’s in his arms and on his lap. Sehun wouldn’t be surprised if Jongin actually didn’t talk to him after this, for a few hours, because of embarrassment. He also wouldn't be surprised if Jongin turned conscious of his surrounding and thought back to his late husband. Jongin is different, kind of strange, with one foot in the past and the other in the present and future.

He is stuck, but at the same time, he isn’t stuck, too. The thought, however, doesn’t make much sense to Sehun. He just knows Jongin is like that, but why or how he would he explain that to himself is a mystery of its own. Jongin wants to move on, maybe fall in love again, but is afraid of ‘cheating’ on his late lover. That makes sense to Sehun.

For a man who probably thought of a future with only one man, promised the same man of being there with him until they grow old and have wrinkles on their bodies, die in each other’s arms, moving on is almost, nearly, impossible.

Sehun wants to change that, for he feels an indescribable attachment with the younger. Like, like they were meant to come together in the end. As if whatever happened in their past was just a way of fate to bring them together.

Being with Jongin, these days, feels as if he found his soulmate that he never knew he’d wanted. That he never knew he’d crave for. Need. Jongin has become his need. Unconsciously he has made a place in Sehun’s heart, and Sehun knows Jongin is here to stay.

“You know what you have been missing all these years?” Jongin is crying again, he started crying into their kiss, and Sehun couldn’t help himself when he rubs the pads of his thumbs over soft cheeks to rub the wetness away. “You have been missing the same thing, and now that it is here, you’re afraid to--”

“Papa.”

Jongin straightens himself on the elder’s lap before quickly getting up, wiping his tears before leaving the kitchen to check his son. Sehun sighs, runs a hand through his hair and silently waits there. Oh, well, he has never hated himself more for being involved in an accident.

“Papa,” Jin calls, small fists rubbing over eyes cutely. Jongin sighs at the sight of his son, taking in the disheveled state of his still sleepy son. “I don’t want to go school today.”

“Why?” He asks, kneeling in front of the kid, hoping that the boy won’t notice his red, swollen eyes. “It’s school today.”

“Ugh.” The boy groans, sleepily jumping up and down on his feet. “I don’t wanna!”

Jin gets in mood like this a lot, not wanting to go to school is one of his favorite ‘desires’ to fulfil. Jongin has dealt with this a lot of times, he guesses he could do this time too. “Why don’t you want to go to school? Won’t you tell me?”

“I want to play with Uncle Sehun.”

Jongin rolls his eyes (though the mention of the elder does bring warmth to his cheeks). “Did you forget about your best friends forever already?” He pouts, widening his eyes. “They will be so sad if they heard this. I won’t tell them this, but imagine if they found about this. They will be sad!”

Jin looks on a brink of tears, Jongin feels bad for worrying him such early in the morning. “I will go,” the boy says, there’s a heavy pout resting on his lips though. “I am their best friends forever. I will always be beside them.”

Jongin ruffles his son’s hair in adoration, standing up before offering his hand to his son. “Let’s go, get ready?”

Jin nods his head, takes his father’s hand and follows him into the bathroom. “I haven’t greeted Uncle.”

“You can do that later.”

Bathing his son when it's cold outside is a task for him, although it is a tedious task, Jongin has always enjoyed it. Hearing his son whining and giggling the next second create such sight that reminds him of his own childhood. Really, there’s something about having your own child. He dresses his son up in warm clothes, making sure the boy wears his woolen cap because he knows how much his son has always hated wearing caps. Shoving the gloves in his own pants pocket, he brings his son into the living room, surprised to see Sehun sitting on the sofa.

Oh, he had forgotten about the elder.

“Are you okay, hyung?” He asks, asking his son to sit beside the elder as he stands in front of him. Sehun looks like he pulled a vein or two of his right leg. Jongin remembers asking the elder to not move much without his help last night. “What did you do?”

Sehun looks up, eyes guilty but pained nonetheless. “I was getting bored waiting in the kitchen,” he says, almost with a barely hidden whine. He looks at Jin, eyes taking in the wide, worried eyes of the young boy. “If I’d known something like this would happen, I wouldn’t have done that.”

“Papa will massage it,” the boy says, pressing cute, chubby hands on the man’s arms as if to tell him that he is there for him. “One day I did too,” he begins, looking at his father this time. “When I was sleeping and Papa did something with his hands and it was all okay.”

“Well, your Papa is a magician.”

Jin nods, eyes wide and looking delighted to hear such. “I know! Papa is fairy.”

Jongin blushes and rolls his eyes when Sehun winks at him, saying how everyone already knows his truth. “Let me help with it.” He kneels in front of the elder, bringing hands close so that he could grab the leg. Sehun flinches and pulls it away. “What happened?”

Sehun shakes his head. “Don’t touch my leg.”

Jongin’s furrowed eyebrows tell him how confused he is right now. “... why?”

Sehun shrugs, he is looking somewhere straight ahead. “I don’t like it when someone touches my leg, especially people younger than me.”

“...but hyung--”

“Jongin, no, this is fine. I know this will be alright in a few minutes. Just-just, look after Jin. He has school.”

Realizing that he couldn’t argue with that, Jongin stands up and gives a small huff to the elder. Sehun knows he is angry. “Whatever you say.” He looks at his son, stretches a hand for the boy to take. “Come on, baby, let’s have breakfast. We’ll be late for school otherwise.”

It feels, odly, like a family time.

-

-

“It was hard explaining to the kids why I didn’t act on my plan.”

“Plan?” Sehun repeats, eyes taking in Jongin quickly washes the vegetables. “What kind of--”

“Oh my God,” Jongin says all of a sudden, pushing the bowl aside so that he could stare at the elder. “People are recognizing me! They know I am the same video guy! What is even happening?”

“Well,” Sehun begins, and his bottom lip. “That was supposed to happen, so…”

“You know how confused Jin was? He was like, almost about to cry with how much people were approaching me. I have never seen him so afraid. T-that was scary.”

“I am sorry,” Sehun apologizes. “I should’ve asked you before doing that.”

Jongin does not bother himself with a reply. He, however, does start a conversation when they’re eating breakfast. The topic isn’t very pleasing to Sehun, though.

“I am sorry about this morning,” Jongin says, apologizing for the intimate moment they shared this morning in the kitchen. It was short shared moment between them, Sehun shared and savored it more than anything else he’s done in his almost thirty years of age. “I shouldn’t have; I am sorry.”

Sehun had liked it; the truth is that, if he would get a chance, he could kiss Jongin for the rest of the day. Not to mention, he hasn’t forgotten about Jongin’s succulent lips ever since, his eyes fall every so often on the younger’s lips. An unadulterated want to just press his own lips against Jongin’s is bubbling in the pit of his stomach. Even a simple, chaste press of their lips would do.

So it’s quite natural how he doesn’t like what he hears from the younger, it touches some sensitive part inside of him, a nervous part of him almost gives up and tries to shut itself from the rest of the world. Even a few hours would be fine. He just needs to get back to his senses, be his self and everything would be fine.

The thing is, he knows, nothing would be fine. There’s no way that anything could be fine in the first place. Jongin has captured every sense of his, he is everywhere. Sehun wouldn’t be surprised if even in his solitary moments he only thought of Jongin and nothing else. Thought of the same being that he wants to get away from.

He presses a weak hand on his thigh, his fractured arm lying uselessly on the dining table, his jaw clenches and eyes harden for a fraction of second. Jongin looks scared by his reaction. Good thing, Sehun loved this reaction a lot.

“Hyung, I--”

“Don’t,” he says, anger evident in his low tone. “Don’t say that you didn’t like it.” Jongin presses his lips in a thin line and shifts on the chair. He looks like he wants to say something, another of his sweet lie. Sehun scoffs at the thought; the boy knows how to play with words. Charming, little . “If you give a penny for my thoughts, I will say I loved it. Very much.”

There’s silence after that. Jongin looks taken aback, his rosy cheeks, though, are enough sign to know that the elder’s words have affected him in some sense.

He smirks. “In fact, it was probably the best kiss of my life. All this while I was wondering why I didn’t feel that spark when I kissed someone, and here it is. Here I felt it.” Jongin stays silent, still taken aback. “Thank you,” he adds, a sad lit to his tone. “Thank you for reminding me that it meant nothing to you.”

“I didn’t say that--”

“You indicated that though.” He huffs and leans back against the chair. He stays silent for some moments, eyes fixed on the wall hanging on the opposite wall. “What do you mean you didn’t mean it like that? Weren’t you the one who apologized for the kiss? When someone apologizes for kissing someone? Of course, when they think they’ve deceived someone or played with their feelings.”

“It isn’t about playing with my feelings as much as it is about not taking my words in a right way.” Which basically feels like comparing the same thing. “Did you not feel how serious I had been? Wait, how would you know when I didn’t say anything. Oh, it’s my mistake, not yours. I apologize for not asking you again. This is basically where it ends.”

His phone rings just the right time, saving him from blurting out more nonsense. He knows he will have to apologize for the he spoke soon.

“Hello,” he says into the phone, not bothering to check the caller.

“Sehun,” his mother calls from the other end. “Where have you been since last day? We came to check up on you and you are not at home. Where are you? You know you’re in no position to--”

“I am fine,” he replies, grumpily. “At Jongin’s place.”

His mother is silent for some moments. “Is he there, dear, with you right now?”

He looks at the man in question, Jongin stands up and leaves as soon as he catches the elder’s eyes on him. He looks upset and angry, both at the same time. Sehun sighs a litte to himself, rubbing his temple when he feels a little ache there. “No, he’s in his bedroom.” Jongin closes the door with a resounding bang. He feels like he’s arguing with his grumpy, pouty spouse.

He can hear the smile on his mother’s lips when she continues. “Well, now I can talk to you freely!” Sehun furrows his brows, eyes locked on the locked door of Jongin’s bedroom. The younger hasn’t even touched his food, he realizes, looking down at his own plate and burning red in shame. He has finished his food, how embarrassing is that even. “I have heard from Baekhyun and Junmyeon as well as how you have been spending your time with this boy. What is exactly going on, Sehun?”

Here she goes, getting in the role of her self proclaimed cupid. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Well,” she says, a teasing lit to her tone. “I like the boy.”

Sehun rolls his eyes, though the smile on his lips betrays the annoyance that he feels. “You say that about everyone that I come across to.”

“I hope he isn’t one of them.” She is silent for some moments, then she speaks in a tone that Sehun does not understand. “He is a nice boy, even your father thinks so. I don’t want you to hurt him.”

“I am not going to hurt him,” he says, promises. “I know he’s different.”

She hums something in reply, the mood has dampened. “Are you okay? Give me the address, both of us are coming to meet you.”

“Are you kidding me?” His mother replies that she isn’t. “Mom, but I didn’t even ask Jongin about this. This would be so--”

“Sehun, we are just coming to meet you. Besides, I feel this boy wouldn’t be bothered with our presence at all. Like I said, different than any other. Now shut up and send me the address. I am waiting--both of us actually.”

She hangs up immediately, not giving her son enough time to reply. Sehun huffs and rolls his eyes, quickly typing the address of the house to his parents. He places his phone on the dining table and looks at the closed door once again, eyebrows furrowed when he hears a small sniff. It’s either that Jongin is standing just behind the door or he’s crying really loud and he hadn’t caught it until this moment.

He sighs once again, runs a hand through his hair and tries to stand up, cursing at his weak legs. After the accident, they have kind of become useless, a little lot weak than he thought they could ever be. He is actually broken, he thinks at the sight of his bandaged left hand and fractured right arm. He really feels like messaging Baekhyun: lmao never thought i would be this broke in my entire life ;)

Walking a few feets to the bedroom with a lot of difficulty, he knocks on the door, surprised to see the door unlocked. Well, this is a good sign. He peeks his head through the ajar, eyes taking in the small lump on the huge bed, a duvet draped over Jongin’s frame.

“What are you doing?” He asks, stepping inside the room, pretending he doesn’t know anything. Jongin stops moving completely under the bed, his frame, however, keeps shaking a little. “I have been doing fine as well,” he says, looking down at his shaking legs. He’s barely keeping himself straight as he slowly, very slowly, walks to the bed. “My legs are in better shape, I guess?” He feels like seventy-year-old man.

“You’re mean,” the younger says from where he’s still hiding behind the duvet. His voice is clipped, and very much sad. “I never said that I didn’t--” he stops here. Sehun’s heartbeat stops for a fraction of second. He sits on the bed and hesitantly brings a hand to place it over where he assumes is Jongin’s legs. “Hyung, I didn’t mean to offend you. I just said because I was worried I crossed my limit.”

“How can you even think that you crossed your limits?” Sehun snorts. “As much as I remember, I was the one who pulled you on my lap. I was the one who initiated the kiss. If anything, I should apologize for the kiss.” He stops then, a pensive silence from his side of a few long seconds. “I won’t though, I won’t apologize.”

Jongin sits up straight, but refuses to look at him. “What do you mean?”

“I do not regret it. In fact--as I said earlier--I was happy the both time I kissed you. If you’d allow me, I will kiss you again. Even now, without any regrets, any shame because, well, I am shameless after all.” He brings his hand up to grab Jongin’s hand because he’s as he admitted, shameless. “I don’t know what is it about you--I want to hear what’s bothering you so much. I want to know why you do not want to move--what you’re afraid of. Jongin, I am here to listen.”

Jongin laughs, a small self deprecating laugh. “You already know so much about me. What else do you want to know?”

“I don’t know.” Sehun shrugs. “Do you have something to tell a friend?” Sehun can see the tears even before Jongin looks at him. “Jongin,” he calls softly, shifting closer to the younger. “Do you consider me as your friend at least?” Jongin gives a small nod in return. Sehun doesn’t, Sehun thinks they are more than just simple friends. What pair of friends kiss each other, make out? Sehun doesn’t know of anyone, and certainly there isn’t anyone.

Sehun isn’t given even a moment to understand before Jongin is already leaning in to kiss him, square on the mouth, hesitant but sure of the kiss anyway. He’s doing more in the sudden feelings, Sehun knows, what he doesn’t know is why Jongin would do something that he, most certainly, isn’t ready for. He’s probably thinking of his late husband and that angers Sehun, annoys him more than he thought it would. So he pushes Jongin away, albeit gently, before passing him a look.

Jongin cowers under the weight of his gaze, eyes tearing up the moment he realizes what Sehun must be thinking.

“Your husband?” Jongin shakes his head, but whimpers which confirms Sehun’s suspicion. Sehun clenches his jaw, this time, he is angry. “My parents were coming to meet me, I will leave with them.”

“Hyung, you need rest--”

“I have people to take care of me,” he presses, standing up with difficulty. Jongin tries to help him, but he slaps the hand away (although he regrets doing that just seconds later when Jongin whimpers more). “Today let’s take a leave. Come back to the company tomorrow. I know I can work, so I will go back to work. I hope to see your face first thing in the morning.” Which is exactly what he wants to start his morning with: at the first sight of the younger. He is angry, sure, but there’s no part of him that doesn’t want to see Jongin.

“...and Jongin,” he says, not looking back when he finally turns away from the younger. “I know it’s hard, but it’s not that hard to not understand and realize that you’re not only hurting yourself but the other person too.” He takes a moment of silence, taking in the soft cries behind him. “I have taken liking to you, I don’t think if I would be able to do anything without you anymore, but please…” he stops and breaths. “No matter how much of a douche I am called and known as, don’t forget that I have a heart too.” With that being reminded, he walks out of the room and closes the door behind him with a soft click.