Name of Story: Zero Is a Color

Author: Jaydreamer

Pairing: Monsta X Hyungwonho (Wonho x Hyungwon)

Chapters read: 1/1

Warning: Review will contain a lot of spoilers (so I recommend reading the story beforehand, if anyone is interested to read this review). Also, I might have some issues with soulmateau in general, maybe.

Forewords

Overall, your forewords are good.

The title is very strong, both catchy and intriguing, and it fits the story perfectly, but is still not too on the nose, and gives room for the reader to interpret the exact meaning in the context of the story. So, great title!

Also, the story is very well tagged, which always makes me happy, and in my opinion the description is exactly what it should be, to the point, and revealing just enough so the reader is interested without getting into unnecessary details at this point.

So yeah, your forewords are really good. There is only one thing that I could criticize, and honestly it kinda makes me feel bad to say this (but I still think it should be said):

Your poster is weak.

I do feel bad about saying this, because I know you didn't make it yourself, and the shop that you got it from did it for free and for fun (and no-one there asked me to review their work). Also I have no graphic ability of my own (exhibit A: the “poster” for this review shop), and for my own stories I often don't bother with a poster at all, so this is me, casting stones from a glass house.

But I want to be honest about what I think could improve your story, and then you are free to do with it what you want. So, in my opinion this poster is weak. It's not horrible or anything, and maybe better than nothing (though that can be debated), but it is weak.

Why? First of all it is very generic. It looks like pretty much half of the posters on AFF, and could fit to all hyungwonho stories out there. But most importantly, it doesn't really fit your story (and the 'really' in this sentence is just me trying to be polite (and failing)).

It's especially frustrating because your title is so strong, and the theme of your story is very visual, with the contrast of the ability to see colors and not. So there are about a thousand ways that could be implemented in your poster, like with having some parts of it in color, others black-and-white. Instead the color theme is completely faded out, which is really neither nor... It's not the bright world of colors, but not the world without colors, it's just bland and doesn't have anything to do with your story. Also the font of the title... is just wrong. Your title is strong so a good poster would put emphasis on that. But instead it is terribly bland and cursive? Why? Just... Why would you do that?

And the poster doesn't fit the feel of the story at all. There is nothing in the poster that relates to anything... while there are soooo many themes to play with... the counter... the car crash... the contrast of seeing colors and not.

So, although I feel bad about saying this for reasons stated above, (and please don't share my opinion with the poster shop), this poster is very weak and doesn't fit your story at all, which is a shame, because this is a story that deserves a good poster.

Use of Language

Your use of language is one of your strong points. And going back to your application, I now see that you are a native speaker and that makes sense. Still you deserve the credit. Although writing in your own language certainly makes things easier, it's not trivial.

Your text flows well and naturally, and I don't remember seeing many grammar mistakes, and definitely no serious ones that took away from your story. And this is important. Not just because of grammar nazis, but because it makes the story easier to read and understand, and you have the tools to convey the story well to your readers.

However, I do believe if writers want to improve they should work on improving both their strong and weak points. So if there is anything regarding language I could recommend you working on, I guess I would say it's direct speech.

Before I go further, I want to make it clear that this a detail, not a major issue, but while I was reading the conversations between your characters, they sounded a bit naive, for lack of a better word. While I did not get the impression at all that your other text was naive in any way.

There is no concrete example I can point to that was totally off... but the conversations sometimes sounded a bit simple, and naive... or maybe unnaturally young? Especially when it came to the hospital staff. I think they could have sometimes sounded more mature, and possibly more formal and/or professional at times.

My guess is, that you are young... maybe not too far from 20?

I could be wrong but that would explain it... Because all your characters sounded a bit... young.

I'm not saying that because you are “too young to do this well.”

I mean this more in the sense... there are slight differences in the way generations talk and it's always easiest to mimic ones own. So for a person 40+ years old, on the contrary it might be difficult to make a believable conversation between teenagers for example.

The reality is that people talk differently, depending on their age, education and more factors. And if you manage to do that in your story, not make everyone talk the same, it adds depth and believability to your characters.

Honestly, this is a very difficult thing to do, and for a non-native speaker this is almost impossible to capture correctly (I personally at this). But since you are native, and already a decent writer, I think you can do it, otherwise I wouldn't even mention this. It's not like it's really far off as it is, so you don't need to change that much. Only slightly thinking about who is saying this sentence and ask yourself if it's likely that this person would word it in this way... and if the situation requires maybe try to add slight maturity/formality as needed.

An example of this, is like when the hospital staff is talking to Wonho, or the other patients, in reality they would use things like “Mr. Shin Hoseok” instead of just “Shin Hoseok” It is definitely like that in Korea, and I think that would also apply in an English speaking country, no? (Though, admittedly, I've never gone to the doctor in USA/UK/Australia, so I could be wrong.) And also things like “Just a short checkup,” I think a doctor would word this slightly more mature/formal, like, not start with the word “Just” without saying anything else first. Already saying “We would just like to do a short checkup to be safe” is better.

But like I say, this is not a serious issue, and doesn't take too much from your story. But I don't think it takes too much effort to improve this as a native speaker at your level, so I would suggest you give it a try. Just the next time you write someone 30+ years (especially in a professional capacity) think about it slightly if they would word things different from a young person.

Characters

In reality, this story was based around one character, Wonho.

We did get to know a little bit of Shownu and Minhyuk, and I think their characters were overall good, the grieving widower and the faded light of his life.

Hyungwon was more or less a blank slate, but I don't think that is a problem. For me that was sort of the point of the story. This person that Wonho didn't know anything about yet, but was going to be an important part of his life. So I think Hyungwon's lack of character, or more accurately the fact that it was unknown was the right choice for the story.

So that basically only leaves Wonho... and well... it's slightly complicated, and depends on what your aim was how well you succeeded.

First of all, I think Wonho was a believable character, not one-dimensional and the reader got to know him reasonably well. Also, he wasn't boring, so he managed to capture me as a reader.

However, and I don't know if this was your intension or not, but he was rather creepy.

Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having a creepy character. And if I was just reading this as a random reader, honestly I wouldn't care if it was your intension or not to write Wonho as a creepy guy, I would just take the story at face value, I mean it is what it is.

But as a reviewer I think I should expand a bit on this thought, in case it wasn't what you set out for.

Maybe my “issue” (I'm not sure whether to call it that or not) with Wonho is also my issue in general with soulmateau. So maybe you should take this critique with a grain of salt, or slightly biased if you will. So, honestly, I sometimes find soulmateau a bit creepy. And the reason for that is that it subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) takes away choice and consent. Which can be a bit dangerous territory to tread, so it has to be done well for it to work in a non-creepy way. I'm not saying soulmateau shouldn't be written, but it's good to realize that this is an inherrent "flaw"/"quality" of the genre, so you should be aware of it and work against it, unless this is the point of the story of course.

If I now get back to Wonho... I know that if I was lying helpless and comatose in a hospital bed and some stranger was hovering over me like that, posting pictures of myself upon a wall, I would not like it. So... I sort of started to feel sorry for hyungwon for being stuck with him as a soulmate, and started to think about all the people in this world that are stuck with horrible people/creeps as soulmates and yeah... In general I like hyungwonho fine, but I'm not sure I ship them in this story. I mean we don't know hyungwon at all, so maybe they are perfect for each other, but as I only know wonho and find him creepy, I wouldn't wish him on an innocent bystander.

I do get the obsession with being so close to meeting your soulmate, so it was somewhat understandable. But unless you intended Wonho to be a creep, then it could be toned down a bit. With only slight changes it could have been made a lot less creepy while still being true to the story, and to the obsession that is maybe expected in a situation.

One of the first things gave me the creeps was when Wonho said something like:

“In two day's I'll have you”

To me, that is a very creepy thing to say to a stranger that is comatose and can't answer, and hasn't offered any form of consent (I don't care if they are soulmates, it's creepy).

If the sentence was only slightly changed and he would have said: “In two day's I will meet you.”

That would have been super sweet and not creepy at all... just a guy eager and curious to meet his soulmate, without treating him as (perhaps unwilling) property .

Then the putting all the pictures on the wall was also a bit too much for me. But I mean I get it, my walls are covered in kpop (and I can in fact see both Wonho's and Hyungwon's faces from where I'm sitting right now), but in this context it's... a bit too far for me... Just looking at the magazines, and maybe browsing the hospital store trying to see if he could find more magazines of Hyungwon out of curiosity, that would be very understandable. But this was... maybe not a major dealbreaker... but a bit off...

But I think that what was maybe the most off putting for me.... is that pretty much never in all these three days did he ever wonder about Hyungwon's personality. He obsessed about his looks and how he would have him, but he was never like, wondering what his likes or dislikes were, whether he was a stubborn person, or if maybe he would want them to travel together or whatever... It was just the crazy obsession about looks and looking at him like property. It did not really feel to me like he was excited about meeting a life partner, that he was excited to meet someone to spend the rest of his life with. It felt more like a stalker-kind-of-obsession, rather than loving a person for who he is (or in this case wanting to love and learn to know a person).

That being said... A very looks-obsessed guy who likes working out, says things bluntly and is maybe slightly creepy sometimes... I really could see that as fitting Wonho lol... (and I say this with love). So in that sense you did very well. And there is nothing that says that characters aren't allowed to be creepy, and what is creepy to me, is not necessarily to other people.

Story

Your storyline was very strong! And perfect with the title.

I think it was a fun and original story overall. So the issues I have are not major.

I think the biggest plot-hole, or weird-plotpoint, if you will, was the letter from Shownu. It doesn't make any sense that a dying man would make the time to write this letter to a stranger. It could have been somewhat easily fixed, if Hoseok would have gone into his room, expecting to see his soulmate but found Shownu instead. And they could have had this conversation face to face while shownu was waiting for the surgery. It would still be slightly odd, but way better.

Also, I'm slightly uncomfortable with how “easily” Shownu's death was justified. Clearly he was depressed because he lost his husband... but that doesn't make it “okay” for him to die. He's super young for christ sake. But I sort of got the feeling that this was the narrative, that it was perfectly okay since his soulmate was gone (which again, makes the soulmateau slightly creepy).

I really liked all the concept with the colors and the clock! It was fun and interesting and worked within the story!

When we got to learn about it through Wonho's experience, though, it was slightly unbelievable. Because it sounded more like someone who had seen colors, but lost his ability. At least, I imagine that someone that has never seen colors doesn't really understand the concept of colors... It should be very abstract for him? And he shouldn't care too much about what is “red” and what is “blue”, that should be completely irrelevant for him. Unless it was in the concept of trying to understand what these concepts really mean. And common, he's presumably years old, he must easily recognize blood, even though he doesn't see that it's red. But these minor issues didn't take away from the overall theme which was great!

Overall

This is a good story.

The storyline and the title were all around very good, and it was well written.

So you can, and should be proud of it.

I'm sure the hyungwonho shippers really loved it, and they have a good reason for doing so.

I think the main thing that you could improve, is having a slightly wider perspective. Things like, how would a person that has never experienced colors think differently? Not, how would you feel if you stopped seeing colors. Also, how would a person of different age/status from yourself talk/behave differently from you? Also, when writing a pairing AxB, try to see your story from a perspective of a person that is positive towards the possibility of the pairing, but does not necessarily ship them that hard. Why should they? Why should AxB be together? If there is a good reason other than “they belong together no matter what”, try to make the reader see that. Try to subtly convince them.

Unless of course you don't necessarily want the readers to ship the main pairing. But if so, maybe then guide the readers towards the pros and the cons of this relationship to allow them make up their own minds.

Unfortunately, this perspective thing is not completely trivial to fix. But the good news is that your writing is already very good, so even if you don't fully get what I'm saying, it's not a very big deal, overall you're doing very well!

I have no idea whether this review helped at all, maybe I was too vague, but I tried to explain myself so I hope at least some of it was understandable.

Good luck in your future writing!

OK-girl