Kai looked at me with this pair of eyes that reflected ‘that is the ridiculous thing ever that I heard from you today’ inside it as his expression turned into an unreadable. Honestly, I already expected this kind of reaction from him because; what I’ve told him just now might probably be the absurd thing ever in my life.

And believe it or not, I also could not understand myself why I just said that.

“Hyung, come on. Seriously?! You’re just joking with me, right? This is not funny, you know.” Kai murmured then, his lip curved into that smile which came out as an uneasy one. He was shaking his head as he spoke more later. “You really put me in a shock just now, hyung. God! I really thought that you mean your words.” He said, flashing his smile towards me before playfully landed a small fist on my right shoulder – a gesture that he always does whenever both of being playful and silly with each other which a rare time thanks to my not so humor and crazy-like personality like Kai is.

I let out a small sigh before opened my mouth to speak. “What if I am telling you the truth now? You think I’m joking right now?” I returned Kai’s question back, looking at him with unchanging expression on my face.

The dark brown hair man could not help but to gasp with my sudden confession, snapping his head almost immediately towards me as his pair of eyes grew even wider than before. “W-What?” he barely asked with stammering voice. “So… You are serious with this, hyung? Like, for real?” Kai asked me again, his voice now turned into lower tone as if he was whispering rather than talking to me at the time.

Slowly, I nodded my head, taking a long and deep breath before I continued to speak more. “I know that you will react like this. And I also know it’s hard for you to believe it but it is real and I’m not joking around, Kai. You know how I dislike joking when it comes to a serious matter. And this thing that we’re talking about right now – I am not playing around. I’m being serious right now, Kai.” I firmly told him, wanting him to be clear and at the same time, trying to convince him with my words.

There was a silence filled in the atmosphere between us after that. Neither Kai nor I would open our mouth to talk but instead, the two of us kept shutting our mouth and let the air around us filled the gap between us. I also did not have anything to say anymore at that time but at least, I did feel a bit better like a small burden inside me been lifted off after I told Kai about this matter.

About my departure from the ice hockey team.

“Mino,”

I looked up to see my coach was standing at the entrance of the locker room, his expression was serious at that time. “Meet me after this. There’s something that I need to talk to you.” He told me before turned around and left the scene which threw not only me but also few of my other teammates with a confused look on our faces.

“I wonder why he’s calling for you, man.” I heard my team’s leader saying.

Honestly, I agreed with his words though because right now, I did not have any idea why would coach calling for me. Is there something important? Why would he want to see me alone? And the fact that his expression just now that looked serious filled up the curiosity inside me more.

After I finished packing up my stuffs before going home later, I straightly went towards coach’s room since few minutes had passed after he delivered me the message earlier. Taking a deep breath, I gave the door a small knock on it – hearing his voice telling me to come inside the room then.

Carefully, I closed the door behind me before walked closer to his table, standing right across from him in such a manner way as I waited for him to speak. “Please, take a seat, Mino.” He assured me, gesturing his hand towards the two chairs placed in front of the small table. Just as I took a seat, he started to talk right away which left me with no other choices but to listen to what he’s saying at the moment.

“I’m sorry for taking your time but, this won’t be long.” He promised me, giving a slight smile as he muttered the words just now. “I think you already know the reason why I call you personally, right? Do you remember what you’ve told me before? Regarding your decision to departure from the team?”

I did not flinch or flip or anything at all. All I did was to stay calm and listen to everything of what coach was saying, waiting for the right moment for me to bug in. I let out a small sigh before opened my mouth to speak then. “To be honest, coach, I also don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. A part of me telling that I should just forget about this but there’s a voice inside my head insist for me to go on with the decision that I about to make.” I confessed towards my coach, feeling the struggle to let out the words that I spoke to him just now.

“I’ve start to think about this ever since we got back from Ireland before. The reason why I’m thinking about this decision is because I realized that I’m not going to be an ice hockey player for my entire life. And also, the fact that I have a family. I know that you might thinking what’s wrong of having a family and with me being an ice hockey player; but, to be honest, coach, I think that it’s time for me to settle down, thinking about my further future along with my family beside me. I’m not saying that I don’t have passion anymore for ice hockey. I do, I really do and all of this is my dream after all. But, you do understand what I’m trying to say right?” I glanced towards my coach, deep inside of me hoping that he would understand what I’m explaining to him – the reason why I suddenly came up with this unexpected decision.

My mind could recall back that other day when I managed to find some courage to finally spoke to my coach about my decision and as I already expected – just like Kai, he also gave the same reaction as the dark brown hair man did. Of course, he was totally taken aback and shock to hear about my sudden words of departure from the team. Unlike Kai who still could not believe me fully about my decision to departure from the career that I hardly build with my own efforts and everything; coach literally asked me to give him some time to think about the news that I brought up to him. And being someone who could understand his situation because if I’m in his shoes, I would probably be asking the same thing from myself to let me think about this matter thoroughly.

For now, there’s only two people who know about this; Kai and also my coach. Still, there’s one thing that playing in my mind since the moment I thought about this.

Joohyun.

Deep inside me; even my mind also asking me to tell my wife about this. I mean – why should I keep such a big matter from my own wife and just let myself through all of this alone, right? But, trust me, I did have my own reasons on why I’m doing all of this alone without intending to tell Joohyun at all about this matter.

It’s so stupid and selfish – yes, I know that. The thing is that I just did not want Joohyun to feel worried or burden with this problem of mine. Actually, it’s also not a problem; just a matter of decision that I need to figure out on how to solve about it. And I could not help but to agree that this is the reason why lately I’ve been distance myself from my family especially my wife, Joohyun. I realized that I did took some of my time to spend with our daughter, Yumi but I never do the same thing towards Joohyun. I could say that I felt like a coward to ignore her because I did not want her to sense the problem that I’ve been thinking about lately.

Being married for more than five years already and almost to ten years now, it did not take long for Joohyun to know if I’m having a problem within myself. Plus, with her lawyer career – it just makes thing easier for her to know someone who hiding or lying something to her.

That’s why, I tried to distance myself from her lately. I did not know why I’m doing this but I did not think there would be other choices rather than this. And to think about it, Joohyun did realize about it because these past few days, both of us started to argue with each other and as I could predict, my wife would bring up the issue of me being distance towards her and also for our family. I badly wish I could tell her the real reason why I’m acting like this but I knew I couldn’t.

Not now.

“So, what do you think?”

“Huh?”

My coach gave me this ‘do you even listen to what I’m saying just now?’ look, shaking his head slowly then. He moved forward, resting both his arms on the table before looking at me as he spoke again. “I’m not sure whether this is a good idea. I know that I’ve already ask you to give me some time to think about this and I really do have a hard time thinking about this, Mino. I mean-” he let out a small sigh, pressing his lip together.

“- the news of about your departure really gave me a startle, you know. I could just not to let you go that easily since you’re one of the greatest player in this team and the fact that you are one of the top players in our country; I seriously could not imagine seeing you walk away from all of this out of sudden. But, I do respect your decision if that’s what you want. It’s your life after all and since your contract with the team going to end soon which if I’m not mistaken, possibly less than a year – I do see the reason why you came out with this surprising decision.”

I nodded my head a bit, half relief as I could feel; the thankful feeling grew inside me at that time. “And throughout the time that I took to think about this sudden decision from you, I actually come up with an idea for you.” A small smile appeared on coach’s smile at that time. “To be honest, it’s hard for me and the team also I believe to let you go, Mino. Like I said, you’re not just a player, you more than that. You know that I’ve already think all of this as a part of my life, right? And all of you as another family of mine.” Again, I nodded my head as an agreement towards coach’s words just now.

“And because of that, I know that it’s hard for you to give up one this – being an ice hockey player; a dream of yours since you were young before until today. I know, Mino that deep inside you, there’s still a part of you that have passion and interest in all of this, right? That’s why, I come up with a suggestion for you. If you like – no pressure, of course; I want you to try to involve yourself in coaching. What I mean is that, you still can have the passion for your interest in this field and you literally don’t need to quit yourself from everything that you have built for many years ago.”

There’s like a moment of silence between coach and me after that; I was a bit startled with what coach suggested seconds ago, still trying to process his words in my mind. “If you want, I can arrange it for you. At least, that’s what I can do after all the efforts and scarifications that you’ve given and poured for this team and also the country. And lucky you, Mino, there’s a private ice hockey association that interest to welcome you for this position. Believe me, this is a golden opportunity for you. This kind of chance doesn’t come twice, you know. I don’t want to force you to accept this but, think about it first, okay? What I can say is that, you don’t need to throw everything. You can involve with something that you’re passionate about and even if you’re not playing anymore, you still can continue your interest but of course, in a different kind of way.”

So, this is what coach been talking to me before? Wow.

“Coach, I… don’t know what to say.” I said honestly, not lying though. Coach gave me an assuring smile before letting out a small chuckle then. “Well, you don’t need to say anything for now. Take your time to think about this. Maybe you can ask your wife’s opinion too. I’m sure she will be helpful for you in making decision. And if you do interest in this, tell me, Mino. I’ll help you with everything that I could. Please don’t misunderstand my intention – I’m not taking your side or being unfair but since there’s an opportunity, that’s why I give you this choice. Whatever it is, it’s up to you to decide what you want. After all, this is your life and future, remember?”

A small breath escaped from my mouth as an ‘O’ formed on my lips afterwards. “Can I ask you something, coach? I know that you said there’s an opportunity around and it’s like a coincidence since I’m telling you this unexpected news at the same time. Still, why me? You still can offer this to other players, right? And if I agree to take the offer, is it going to be different? Or what?” I could not help but to ask my coach, suddenly this matter crossed into my mind.

Coach inhaled a quick breath, a slight of smile pasted on his lip. “I can do that but I didn’t. Maybe because I see the potential inside you even from before. When you been accepted in this team, I could see how hard and profesional you are when it comes to all this ice hockey thing. Plus, with your age that still young, you can go further in this field. Trust me, I’ve been here longer than you do, Mino. I know what I’m doing here.” He told in firm voice, leaving me with no doubt filling inside me at all.

“Go home now and think about this. When you’re ready, come to me and I will explain even more. Whatever your decision is next, I will accept it with open heart. Besides, it’s not like I can keep you forever to play in this team too.” I could not help but to smile along with coach’s words. “One thing that you should remember, Mino. No matter what, everyone has a different that makes them stand out from others. Maybe other could not see it well, but I do.”

Both of us talked more for another few minutes until I realized that it’s more than late already. At that time, it was almost half past three and I did not realize that coach and I have been talking too long since we dragged the time– too immersed with the conversation that we’re having.

Kai already texted me an hour ago saying that he headed home first since he could not wait any longer and the fact that exhaustion took over him after what all of us been through today. It was tough for yesterday training and honestly, I also could not help but to feel worn out and sore feeling covered all over my beastly figure body. By the time I reached home, Joohyun and Yumi had already fallen asleep and as always, I felt bad for not being able to spend time with the two-beloved people in my life.

Before going to the bedroom, I never forget to check up on my daughter first – feeling love to watch her sleeping for God knows how long it could be. When it comes to Yumi or Joohyun, I could not help but to lose myself by watching them asleep without doing nothing. Just by watching them made me felt happy and thankful to God for giving me such a happiness with their presence in my life.

Most of all, the one that I’m thankful and felt guilty and worried about is my wife, Joohyun. Because for everything that I did to her; still, she always there, doing everything that she could do her best to make people around her happy including myself. But, what I gave her back is nothing to compare for what she had done towards me.

What a jerk and selfish husband I am.

Finally, I could exhale in relief after successfully persuading my daughter, Yumi to sleep after being so stubborn and not to mention, sulking and throwing her anger towards me as the result for longing my wife, Joohyun. To be honest, I still could not believe that all of this happening.

Well, I deserved it after all. After what I’ve caused towards Joohyun and put her in hardship before. This is entire