Unwanted Antidote

 

It was like this for about a month or so. I called her over and she willing meet me at the studio. And even though I was extremely satisfied, the guilt always seem to linger.

 

But I couldn’t stop....

 

No, its more

like I wouldn’t stop.

 

I keep trying to say that we are the same,

That her drug is just like my ‘drug’.

 

But it's not

 

She needed to cope.

Her career depends on it,

When anti-fans attack her for being a foreigner, for being “ugly” , for not belonging.

She used it to stay sane.

 

My drug is a person. Its her.

And I use her for no other reason but to satisfy my cravings.

 

.....I’m such a terrible person.

 

And when she looked

at me around the office, on stage or even at this moment after I used her like a heroin needle. As she smiles so sweetly at me, the realization of what I am.....makes me sick

 

Y/N- “Yoongi?”

 

Her back was turned to me, clamping her bra and putting her shirt back on. She didn't notice I was watching her, but as soon as my name was called I quickly started putting my own shirt and act as if I wasn't.

 

Yoongi-”Hmm?”

 

Y/N- “This, what we are doing? You hate it don’t you?”

 

My head jerked at the question, and stared right at her.

 

Yoongi- “Why would you ask me that?”

 

Y/N- “Every time we do it, you seem sad afterward. Like it bothers you.”

 

Damn.

I’m starting to think that maybe I’m not as good on hiding my emotions like I use to be.

I took a deep breath as I tried to concoct a lie.

 

Yoongi- “I don't like putting my career at risk. I never been one to do something so stupid.”

 

Y/N nodded quietly for a moment.

Y/N- “so if you could do things normally, you would?”

 

Yoongi- “if I could I would.”

 

What is she getting at?

I stayed sitting on the couch when she came over to sit on the other end with a cheerful grin.

 

Y/N- “would you like to go on a date?”

 

Yoongi- “Huh?! What?!”

 

I think I felt a blood vessel pop, or maybe a couple.

 

Y/N- “We are under no contract that says we can't, It's your chance on doing things the right way!”

 

I nearly slide off the couch in embarrassment.

Yoongi- “Wha? Like with you?”

 

Y/N- “No, no silly.”

She then clapped her hand together and smiled

 

Y/N- “with Minnie.”

 

I felt a surge of anger.

Then again...it could have been disappointment.

I lifted myself from the couch and turned to her.

 

Yoongi- “No, absolutely not.”

 

Her face dropped to sadness when she whined

Y/N- “what? Why not?”

Yoongi- “If I wanted to date someone, don't you think I would?”

 

Y/N- “No.”

 

Her bluntness always seem like a positive trait on my book but not at this moment. At this moment, I very much dislike it.

 

Y/N- “I mean, you work almost non stop. Sure girls throw themselves at you but when will you have time to be with them. Isn't that what got you to make this arrangement with me?”

 

I my teeth in annoyance.

Nothing is worst than being called out.

Especially when she’s right.

 

Y/N- “Yoongi, wouldn't it be great to have someone help you with your stress AND someone you can work with without having to hide.”

 

Shes right.

That exactly what I needed from the beginning. And Minnie would be the perfect candidate. Like me she’s a songwriter, more serious natured and she's a korean beauty.

So why am I on the fence on this?

There’s no logical reason to say no.

 

I turned my eyes and sighed.

Yoongi- “When?”

 

Y/N clapped and squealed

Yoongi- “Hey, hey. All I asked was when?”

 

Y/N coughed clearing . Still with a goofy grin.

Y/N- “Sorry. I’ll text you the time and location.”

 

Yoongi- “Fine.”

I breathed out.

 

Y/N jumped from the couch and practically ran out of the studio but looked at me before closing the door.

 

Y/N- “Minnie is going to be so happy.”

Then left giggling.

 

Something tells me this isn't going to go well.

 

While BTS had a month off, the Wild1s had a busy schedule which was typical for newer groups.

Especially ones who already won so many awards.

So I didn't see them much. But when I did, it was.....

 

Awkward.

 

Like high school awkward. Whenever I saw JinYoon, Yoora or Yukina they would giggle and whisper to each other.

And Minnie could even make eye contact with me without turning bright red.

 

Damn Y/N what did you do?

 

I’m not up for this kind of attention.

 

Jimin- “How long have we known each other Yoongi?”

He said wrapping his arms around my shoulder, coming out of nowhere.

 

Yoongi- “Huh? A long time. Too long in fact. Why?”

 

Jimin- “Exactly and not once had I’ve known you to ask a girl out. Now I think I’ve seen it all.”

 

Yoongi- “Huh? How did you know about that?”

I moved his arm from my shoulder, not aggressively but to face him more directly.

 

Jimin- “Come on, you know how girls are. Minnie must have told her members and they...well you know.”

 

I knew this was a bad idea. I should never agreed to this. I placed my head and continued walking with Jimin.

 

Jimin- “Don't be like that Yoongi, because you're dating Minnie and not someone from outside, our fans dont and wont know and everyone in the company is in complete support of this.”

 

Yoongi- “We are not dating, it's a date.”

 

Jimin- “well, I’m jealous. A least one of the girls like you. In fact, because of your courage, Hoseok decided to asked Y/N out.”

 

My body froze and I think I lost my heart somewhere between my stomach and throat.

 

Yoongi- “Huh?”

 

Jimin stopped walking when he notice I wasn't following and turned to me with concern.

 

Jimin- “Yeah, he did it today after JinYoon told him about you and Minnie.”

 

Jimin came back to me and cheerfully patted me on the back.

Jimin- “you should be happy. Being such a good role model.”

 

Happy....I didn't feel happy.

 

Y/N (Text)- Yoongi, I’m so sorry that everyone knows. Yoora Kind of has a big mouth.

 

A text from her later that evening. That day, I was such in a terrible mood. One that I had a hard time hiding, so for most of the day I stayed in the studio....our studio.

 

Everyone was talking about us.

Me and Minnie

Y/N and Hoseok

Although I couldn't actually hear them talk about how happy and excited they were for us. I knew that's what they were saying and it pissed me off.

 

Yoongi (text)- yeah well girls talk

 

Y/N (text)- Your mad

 

Yoongi (Text)- not use to this kind of attention

 

Y/N (Text)- Your an idol

 

Yoongi (Text)- Not the same

 

Y/N (text) -I understand

 

Damn.

I’m taking my anger out at her.

 

Yoongi (text)- So about this date, Are you going to tell me where I’m taking her and when?

 

Ok, yeah I’m mad at her.

And I should be. She made it seem like I was the one to ask Minnie out. When that clearly wasn't what happened.

 

Y/N (text)- ah about that. (Smiley emoji)

 

Yoongi (text)- Stop trying to be cute. Time and location so I could be prepared this time.

 

Y/N- Ok, tomorrow. 8:30pm. I’ll send you the location

 

I knew I should have ended this before it got any farther. I knew this wouldn't end well.

But it would seem that I wasn't one to listen to my gut feeling.

 

Dates.....are not my thing.

I’ll go to them sure. It's a  thing people do to mingle I suppose but I truly don't understand how people can endure the inevitable awkwardness. And set up date are the worst of them all.

 

Minnie- “Yoongi?”

She said with concern.

 

She was all dolled up tonight across from me at a small, very private restaurant. She looked very pretty. Unlike the high strong rapper she was on stage, before me, she was cute and shy-like.

 

Yoongi- “Sorry, your distracting me.”

I smugly smiled.

 

Yeah, that was something clever to say to evade the fact that my mind was thinking what would a date be like with Y/N.

 

Would she wear something this pretty for me?

I guess Hoseok would know.

 

My comment brightened her cheeks.

A clear and predictable sign that I flattered her. I didn't know she liked me so much. But according to Y/N and everyone else, it's was obvious.

 

Minnie- “This place is cute.”

She finally said looking around.

 

It was empty as it needed to be since we couldn't have any witnesses

 

Minnie- “You know, in my dorms, I’m always demanding silence, but now that I have it I think I prefer it loud.”

 

Yoongi- “I know what you mean, It feels a little lonely.”

 

Well since we are on the topic of dorm life...

 

Yoongi- “How is it being leader? I must admit, I don't envy you or Namjoon.”

 

Minnie giggled

Minnie- “Not easy. We are all so different.”

 

Yoongi- “How so?”

 

Minnie - “JinYoon is really quiet and hardworking and for the most part stays to herself.

Yoora on the other hand is high energy, blunt and is kind of a trouble maker. Both of them share a room with me.”

 

Yoongi- “Ah, and Y/N and Yukina in the other room? How was that arranged?”

 

Minnie- “I thought it would be easier. They both can speak english to each other and practice Korean. Plus me and Yukina tend to fight a lot.”

 

Yoongi- “About?”

 

Minnie placed a finger on her chin as she thought.

Minnie- “Most of the time about Y/N.”

 

Now she peaked my interest.

 

Minnie- “I love Y/N don't get me wrong. She super funny and sweet. And awesome on stage. But sometimes she's a little clumsy. Her koreans off at times and at practice she messes up alot. It can get kind of frustrating as a leader. Yukina thinks I’m too hard on Y/N.”

 

I looked down at the table, thinking a lot about my own actions towards Y/N.

It's strange how not understanding we are towards Y/N. It seems like she so easy to pick at.

 

Yoongi- “When you yell at her, she so understanding. She so willing to take fault and nevers argue back.”

 

Minnie nods

Minnie- “She seems so weak.”

 

A tiny burst of anger burned at the pit of my stomach when she said that.

But I dare not show it because, in truth, a couple months ago I thought the same thing.

 

Minnie- “but she did motivate me to start writing my own lyrics.”

 

She pulled out a small notebook from her purse and handed it to me

 

Minnie- “She suggested that I should show them to you.”

 

I read, flipped a couple of pages and read again, while she nervously drank her wine.

 

Yoongi- “Minnie, these lyrics are incredible.”

Minnie- “Really?”

 

I nodded

Yoongi- “They can really help me out on your guys next album.”

 

Minnie- “No joke?”

She  spat out, after gulping the rest of her whine. I laughed at her astonishment

 

Our meal was already finished and I’ll admit that the excitement I felt about working on her lyrics almost had some urgency to it.

 

My lyrical talent hasn't been up to par since....

Well I guess since Y/N....

 

There she was...again in my thoughts

 

Yoongi- “Do you mind coming with me to the studio, I can show you the melodies I’ve been working on that would go great with these lyrics.”

 

I said as I was paying the tap. Minnie widely smiles and stood up as quickly as she stumble towards me. I jumped up grabbing her shoulders and allowing her head to fall on my chest.

 

Yoongi- “Minnie! Are you alright?”

Minnie cutely giggled, looking up at me.

Minnie- “Perhaps I had too much wine”

 

Yoongi- “I see, we will have to use caution when we walk then.”

 

I flicked on the light to the main studio room and firmly held both palms on her shoulders to help her in.

 

Minnie- “There's no need to fuss, I’m already sobering up.”

Still giggling when she spoke, not making me feel so confident that was true.

 

She sat at a swivel chair and I sat close to her pulling up my computer.

 

Yoongi- “Yeah, well can't be too sure you know.”

 

A few clicks here and a few clicks there.

 

Yoongi- “There! Me and Namjoon has been working on this melody. I think your lyrics will fit perfectly Minnie.”

 

She stayed silent letting the music play. While I read her lyrics, already arranging the song in my head.

 

Minnie- “That's awesome Yoongi, My lyrics can really fit in this?”

 

Yoongi- “Yeah! I already have it arranged in my head. Tomorrow morning I’ll have PDBang and Namjoon come in here and read this.”

 

I grabbed a notepad and pen and started writing the arrangement.

 

Minnie- “It's pretty amazing how you are able to think up the arrangement so fast Yoongi.”

 

My eyes didn't move from the paper. I continue to write as I respond.

 

Yoongi- “Really? It just comes to me, There's not much thinking involved.”

 

A couple of seconds of appreciated silence as I planned out the song. Scribbling it down, Revising, referring to her lyrics. All of this ran through my head in that silence until she abruptly broke it.

 

Minnie- “I think you're pretty amazing Yoongi”

 

As sweet as her words were, they were a halting noise that froze me.

I swallowed hard and my pen fell between my fingers.

 

I guess I’m not going to be working on these lyrics tonight

 

Her body, mainly her face, moved in closer to mine. Which caused an instinctual reaction to move back.

 

Yoongi- “Thank you....”

 

After a certain point my body froze still, knowing what was going to happen next.

I shut my eyes tight and ready myself for impact.

 

Her lips....on mine....

It was a foreign feeling.

Her lips felt nothing like Y/N.

Yes, both were soft and both felt very pleasurable, but nothing alike.

 

My reaction was slow, but I molded my lips to hers and followed her movements.

Our kissing was shy and sweet, but it didn't take long for heat to build between us as the space between us shorten. The studio echoed our wet kiss and the clack of our tongues and before I knew it, she was on top of me.

 

She wrapped her arms around my neck to deepen the kiss, if that was even possible.

I passively place my hand at she waist with no urge to move her. Not to pull her close or push her away.

 

Why would I? This feels good.

This feeling of her wanting me so badly.

It felt nothing like Y/N.

 

She broke the kiss and traced the outline of my jaw with her lips down to my neck. I hung my head back allowing it.

Noticing the lack of movement from my lazy hands she trailed her hands down my arm grabbing one of my hands and moved it over her . Tightening her fingers around mines to cupped it into a squeeze. Letting go a moan before she spoke into my ear.

 

Minnie- “It's ok Yoongi, You can touch.”

 

She notice something that I didn't even notice.

My hesitation.

 

She sat upright on top of me and pulled over her blouse revealing her cute small cupped bra. I kissed her where her neck and chest meant and worked my way down as my hand massaged a but when my lips started to touch her , the anxiety grew and I hesitated to go any farther.

 

What wrong with me?

Nothing is stopping.

She clearly wants me

I’m sure everyone in the company knows this was happening. There were no secrets.

This is me doing things the right way.

No guilt, no blackmail. And yet....

 

Minnie started to rhythmical rock on me, catching me off guard enough for me to sharply gasped. She probably did this to prompt me to continue, which after a long, hard mental debate, I did. Unlatching her bra and taking one into my mouth making her cry out for more, tangling her fingers in my hair. Her rocking was losing its pattern as she grew inpatient.

She was good. So pleasurable. She knew exactly what she wanted and what she was doing.

But the pleasure didn't numb my brain enough to stop this nagging feeling of hesitation. The more pleasure I felt the more that feeling generated its own voice. Until finally, as Minnie started to unlatch my belt, It screamed at me.

 

THIS IS WRONG! I DON'T WANT THIS!

 

Yoongi- “w-wait Minnie”

 

She didn't.

No surprise since I was so passive about it that my voice could have easily been swept away by the sounds of my breathing, her moans and the rocking of the chair.

 

The man in me didn't want this to stop, but that inner voice frighten me.

 

Yoongi- “Minnie, Please wait.”

 

She crashed into my lips and pried them open with her tongue.

Her hands started to wander, touching me over the seams of my jeans.

It was the sound of my zipper that triggered something in me.

 

‘Once we sleep with someone else, we break it off.’

 

Those were my words, my rule.

The voice telling me to stop was my own because....

 

I didn't want to break it off with Y/N.

 

My hands acted on there own, ceasing Minnie’s wrist.

It startled her enough to stop, her eyes directed at mine in confusion.

 

Yoongi- “I can’t MinHee”

 

Minnie- “Why not?”

 

Yoongi- “I just-”

I cut myself off, turning away.

I just couldn't look at her anymore.

 

Yoongi- “I like you MinHee, I really do, but not in this way.”

 

My words shot her and ricochet to me.

I felt her pain. Her eyes welled up in tears as she lifted herself off me.

 

Minnie- “You don't like me!? Why? I’m not pretty enough!”

She yelled

Yoongi- “Please don't do this, you know that's not true.”

 

Minnie- “If you didn't like me, why did you ask me out?”

Minnie quickly put her blouse back as she spoke

 

I felt my blood pressure elevate when she asked that.

I wanted to scream the truth.

Yell ‘Y/N made me, I knew this was a bad idea’

But I didn't want to bring her into this. Plus, that would lead to more questions.

So I smothered my anger in a lie.

 

Yoongi- “I wanted to know you, you know, artist to artist. I didn't mean for it to go this far.”

 

Minnie- “HA! What a lie!”

 

She called me out in such a sarcastic tone, but her wavering voice made it clear that I hurt her, very much.

 

Minnie- “You know what I think Yoongi?! You wanted it to go this far, you wanted to go out with me only for that reason, but guilt got in the way!”

 

Well, she is half right.

I watched her powerlessly, going towards the door. I knew there was nothing I could say that would stop her rage and I grew tired of trying.

 

Minnie- “You're a piece of Min Yoongi!”  

 

And with that she left, making sure to slam the door when she did.

 

I turned myself towards the desk and cursed, slamming my head at my palms.

I couldn't go back to my place like this. Namjoon would read me. Hell even oblivious Taehyung will know something is up. I wasn't composed. I needed to stay at the studio. Let things cool down a bit.

 

But I couldn't help whisper to myself in the dark

 

You're a piece of Min Yoongi