Some would say I had lost it. Lost it because I enjoy being alone with my headphone more than the company of others. I didn’t lost it. I just love getting lost in the melody.

I guess many don’t understand what I’m going through. Predictable, as all of us only care about ourselves. In one word, all of us are selfish to the core. Maybe this is the animal instinct within us that we can never ignore. As they say “survival of the fittest” and yet, we brag about how we’re superior then everything else.

Whoever has the heart or a half-assed intention to even ask me when I’m down? No one ever notice me until I decided to give up complete. We human are simple creature to understand, that is if you know the core of our behaviour. We all wanted someone to care about us. All of us wanted to be loved, to feel like we’re a part of something, and most importantly, and to know that someone will be there when we HAD fallen.

I never understood why and how anyone would stay with someone who would verbally abuse them by degrading them to nothingness. I ask myself, “why don’t they walk away? I am sure they are many more people out there that cares about them.” . Foolish me, doesn’t understand the basic of human nature at all.

I am unsure who is more depressing. Me or them? To have someone you care around you, but all they do is just tell you that you’re never good enough. Or to only feel the comforts of music as it soothes every bruise and scar you had because you have no one around to comfort you. Different circumstances, but the same reason. We stayed with whatever it is because no one in the world except whatever it is can, or even have the half assed ability to try to comfort us.

I guess we’re all just a little desperate for a little attention and a bit of love. I guess we all just wanted to feel like someone actually do care for us, even if the reason for so are based on selfish need. I guess Aristotle is right when he say that humans are social animal. I guess we really would die if we don’t seek any kind of companionship, even if it’s a fictional one.

Please don’t bother asking my parents why I had done what I had done. No one was there when I was struggling. Maybe I didn’t scream loud enough or I’m just too weak to hold on to anything. Maybe I’m just too good at faking it that no one realize I’m not ok. I don’t know where I went wrong just like how I’m clueless to how I got myself into this mess.

I am amazed that I survived this long. I thought I would pass out sooner. At least I felt like someone in this world actually understand what I’m going through. I was granted the luxury to feel like someone care and understand me just before I slip away, even if it was just fictional. I would dare say that no many of us get this luxury.

Again, don’t ask my family members or my friends why I had decided to slip away when everyone think I’m a healthy and functioning human. You should know by now that, this healthy and functioning human is breaking and malfunctioning from the inside out. Today, it disorder decided to break her completely.

I had nothing more to say nor ask for as I have experiences more than enough by now. All I ask for was to be bury with my favourite record. It is the only thing that I have love and cherish throughout this tough time in my life. The only thing that had stick with me through thick and thin. Thank you so much for being my therapist, I know you had tried your best and I’m sorry that I had disappointed you. Thank you for always being there for me, but I’m not strong enough to stand this test. I failed it and this is the consequences. I am sorry I have failed you, but thank you for the love you gave me.