After hours or maybe days of walking in this plain white of nothingness, I finally found Chirrut sitting on the rock. He seems to know that I’m there with the way he crook his head to a side. Despite our passing, he still remember the sound of my footsteps. I guess old habits are die hard. I don’t know if he has remember his past life or me as cao cao, but I’m just glad to see him here.

“You found me. I told you the force will guide you, but you never believe me when we’re alive.” said Chirrut. We always argue about how The Force with me disagreeing of it’s purpose and existence while he put all his faith in it. “I know. You have always been right. You were never wrong.” I said with a sigh of defeat. When has he ever been wrong? He is always right. In this life time and in the past.

I took a few step and sit next to him. He found my hand with ease and I wonder if he has regain his sight. I mean, we are dead now, so does the dead regain their sight and sense? I know I regain my memories. As a matter of fact, all of my memories. “Have you regain your sight yet?” I ask as I’m really curious. I know I have died a few times by now, but I don’t seems to remember the process of crossing over. “Yeah, I regain my sight, but I’m not sure if I still have my beautiful blue eyes” Chirrut say with a chuckle. I faced him to see if he still have those calm blue eyes that I’m so used to and surprisingly he still do. “Well, you still have those blue eyes of yours………… and you can see…….” I crunch up my face as I always do when I come across something that puzzles me. “Haha, have you always been making that face when we’re alive? Chirrut said as my confused expression amused him. “Yeah, I always do. Just that sadly…… you never get to see it.” I said cautiously as I don’t want to offend him. “Dear god, what have I missed! I’m so glad that I have my sight back, even though we’re dead”. I don’t know how to response to that, so I just kept my silence.

There was a moment of silence that falls between us. I wanted to hear his voices. I wanted to talk about our past. I want to know if he remember our past. I don’t know if this is the right place and time to talk about such things, but then again, if it’s not here then when? In our next life? That is if we have another life together, but then the memories of our past will be wiped away from us. So, what is there left to talk when we remember absolutely nothing? I decided to end this silences as it is annoying me and my curiosity is killing me.

“Chirrut, do you remember our past? Not as Chirrut Imwe, the Guardian of the Whills, but as Guan Yu the general?” I know that is what I said, but this words seems foreign to me like it just don’t register in my mind. “Yeah, I remember you, Cao Cao. I remember everything” I know this man long enough to know that he is rather upset with this revelation. Have I cross the line? I don’t mean to upset him in anyway. Even I was shock with the memories I regained after I passed. “Baze, or Cao Cao for that matter? Even I don’t know what to call you anymore haha” He said again, trying to hide his bitterness. “You can call me anything you like because we both know that those 2 are me, just in different life time.” I said, worried about the consequences of talking about this topic.

Another moment of silence fall between us. I have a feeling both of us were finding ways to approach this topic. I know what I have done to him as Cao Cao, but I know what I have done for him as Baze. It’s not an easy one as 2 life time changes so dramatically that we’re so confused with how we felt about each other.

Chirrut suddenly turn to face me and said “Please know that this revelation is not easy for me. I have been sitting here for long long time trying to figure out how to deal with all this information. I really don’t know what to do. I hate and love you. As Guan Yu, I hated you, but as Chirrut, I loved you. It would definitely be easier for me to have no recollection of the past especially as Guan Yu. As Baze, you should know that I would throw myself at you at the sight of your existence, but I couldn’t because I remember what you have done to me as Cao Cao”. As Baze, I could hear the hurt in his voice and this breaks my heart so much. As Cao Cao………. I don’t know how to feel seeing Guan Yu this hurt.

“I don’t know what to say or do as well when I remember this memories. It isn’t easy for me either seeing the difference 2 life time can be. I know the things I have done to you as Cao Cao. Maybe it’s too late to ask for your forgiveness, but it’s probably too late for you to forgive me. I know for sure that one things is clear even through this 2 different lifetime. That is that I love and admire you. I said this as Cao Cao and as Baze. Many things changed in this 2 life time, but my love for you has never change since I first caught news of you as Cao Cao.” I said with bitter confidences. Will he accept my confession? Or will he shrug it off as what I done to him in the past is too unforgivable?

He gazed down to the white imaginary sand, a gesture he does when he is upset and unable to come up with a good reason and explanation. A perfect action to that show he is frustrated with himself. This is what Chirrut do and he often does it when he think no one is watching. He took a deep breath and said “Please enlighten me with what you have been feeling as I’m confused with what I should do with you. As Cao Cao, your confession of love and admiration toward me were reflected with action of cunning manipulation for your own gain. That is something I could not forgive and that is clearly someone I could not love. But as Baze, your confession of love and admiration for me is pure and simple enough that all you wanted to do was to be by my side and keep me safe. That is the man I choose to fall in love with.” Again, he look down at the imaginary sand.

“I know the way I show my love to you as Cao Cao is wrong, but I did keep my words. I did let Liu Bei and his people go. I swear in Heaven’s name that I didn’t know that everyone else was trying to kill you. It was not my doing. It’s probably hard for me to admit this, even though I have been Baze, but I knew that you will never be mine. I was jealous of Liu Bei for having such a faithful general, not to mention an extremely intelligent and skilful one. Your faithfulness is a trait that I admire the most as I have seen too many corrupted and greedy general, but paired it with your skill and intelligent….. dear lord, can anyone be any more perfect? I said as it was still unbelievable how perfect Guan Yu was, even now. “Logics tell me that any man can be tempted to fall from grace. All you need to do is to find their weak spot. Instinct tells me to kill all my hope as you will never stray from your path. So I play a bet with myself. Saying I would my best to make you stay by my side, but you show me that you will never do so. Your actions show me you will never do so. That is my admiration for you. I didn’t know love until I know your passing.” I look down at the imaginary sand as it still hurts me despite it being one lifetime ago. I didn’t know tear were forming in my eyes until it hits my gun that I placed in my lap. I wiped it away slowly, hoping that Chirrut doesn’t see it.

Chirrut patted my hand that I place on top of my gun. I guess I’m bad at making my action less noticeable, but then again, Chirrut is no longer blind. “To be honest, I wasn’t expecting such a grand funeral. I thought I would be bury in a simple coffin in a simple ceremony. I was quite honour that everyone mourn for my passing. I was not expecting you, out of everyone that I know and had come across as Guan Yu, to be giving me a grand send off. Not sure to say thank you or just……….” He look at the distant in front of us. There is nothing there, but habit die hard. “Chirrut, I mean Guan Yu. I don’t need you to say thank you to me. I am just doing what I can for you. I felt partially guilty that my underling went all out to kill you. I don’t know if I had say this to you before. Say it before as in when I died as Cao Cao and met you as Guan Yu in this same space that we’re meeting each other right now. I felt that it was my fault that you had such a rough time because I failed to discipline my generals. I guess I’m trying to make it up to you for giving you proper funeral.” There is nothing more I can do other than hoping to God that understand my thoughts.