It was a gloomy morning. A rare spring morning. Our morning before recording our presentations for the documentary. It felt nostalgic already. As somehow a piece of our life was lost, forgotten. I clung to Ji. I wanted to wrap my arms around his tiny and warm body. I didn’t. I fear, as if Ji couldn’t reach... no... As if Ji didn’t have the right to feel the same way I did.

Last night Yang Hyun came to the dance studio. He was rather happy to see us tired and lied on the sweaty floor. Although he didn’t come to give us a guideline but to reward us. Yang Hyun said we deserved. Bright and expectant eyes looking only to Ji Yongie. Ji Yongie, sleepy and torn out gave the same usual answer. A bright and kind smile. I could not say it was somehow a fake smile. Ji Yongie was kind of himself in front of Yang Hyun. Yang Hyun “the dream maker”. I have no doubt he would make our dreams come true, I just couldn’t believe he would be capable of make them equally true.

So as yesterday reward we had a “free” day. Our last chance to be ordinary guys. As a reward we had a chance to enjoy a day just like Kwon Ji Yong and Dong Young Bae. When I became aware of what was happening I was already sobbing.

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Ji woke up at the rising sun. He slept well. He wanted to enjoy today’s day as much as he can.

We ran. As fast as we could, we got away from the old and messy apartment. The sun still rising, the cherry tree flowers-free, our dreams still untouchable. We ran and held hands. I felt our excitement, our innocence open paths for us. We ran to nowhere as he laughed our arse off about our new and reborn freedom.

We got away and forgot everything and everyone but us. Us and the new paths ahead we’d forget as soon as we get back to the apartment.

                                                                            ------------------------------------ 

Yesterday’s feelings remained on my skin and memories. It felt surreal. A good film, a great advice, the greatest smile. Maybe a little bit of a dream that slipped under tattered reality. Or just me being delusional about the future. From my childhood’s days till now, Ji Yongie and I have always been in the same place, with the same people, with the same aspirations, which might be unimaginable coming from to strangers who had started from nothing but tteokbokki.

Today we were caught looking at the same sky, of course we were scolded by the documentary’s producers. We received a twenty minutes lecture on how our future would be ty if we keep smiling like fools to each other.

“You’ve got to look like dreamy guys not dream about it”

I tried to keep a poker face if not I’d definitely be distracted by the sunny day and Ji’s enchantment smile. I didn’t want to be scold again, not by the producers nor YG’ staff.

After our dongsaeng’s video recording. Ji and I were next. Ji Yongie looked so happy and satisfied. I felt happy and gloomy. The producers’ let us go after finishing. Ji grabbed my hand and took me to the bathroom. He didn’t need any words to say how he felt. Ji Yongie’s touch already told me everything. A warm and spark touch. I could felt it. We could felt it, because we were equal. As soon as we entered to the bathroom near the park we were filming, Ji Yongie hugged me tightly. Ji Yongie hopped and giggled. I giggled too. I was sure we were able to get though everything ahead if we stay like this.

Less than five minutes and we were called again. We’d got to go back to do a photoshoot. Ji still laughing and I still holding his hand. I spotted hyung sitting on a bench a little far away from the staff. Hyung looked quite uncomfortable – his hand were fold between his legs, legs that didn’t stop shaking, while biting his lips and looking at his sneakers, hyung didn’t want to be here.

Choi Seung Hyun, looked like he didn’t want to be here, hell, he did look like he didn’t even belong here. And somehow it was true. Hyung was the only one that came from “nowhere”, from that world we were exclude but wanted to replicate to, hyung came from the underground. A rapper. A really famous rapper from the underground. I let go Ji Yongie’s hand and I ran towards hyung. All I did, I did it unconsciously, by the time I reached hyung’ side I didn’t know what to do. Hyung looked at me perplex. I smiled. Hyung looked cute. Hyung smiled back.

“We’ve got to go. We’ve got to do the photoshoot thing”

Hyung opened his mouth, but said nothing. He looked at his sneakers again. I saw his smiled fade away. Hyung, you looked so pitiful right now. Hyung, you looked so pretty and sad right now. Hyung, I wanted to hug you, I really wanted to do it, but I fear you’d go as soon as I reach my dreams. However, he stood up so fast I wasn’t able to catch what was happening. I was running towards the staff. Hyung was dragged me towards the staff. We held hands. I turned pink, red and purple. I’d dream with hyung’s touch tonight and maybe the whole damn month.

“Ha, I got tired” hyung said. He was smiling. I could do or say anything back. So naïve. Hyung let me go and Ji stepped out from nowhere to hug me possessively. Sometimes Ji Yongie seemed more like a jealous girlfriend that a best friend. Well, I had hadn’t any girlfriend yet. Hyung continued to smile but not at me, he was looking at Ji Yongie. Also hyung’ smile changed, something changed. A loving rather than a friendly smile. Hyung, what were you doing with me?

“You! The big one! Come here!” the male producer said a little bit angry.

“Yes. Sorry”

“We’ve been looking for you for twenty minutes!”

Barely trainees, and barely teenagers. Hyung’ smile didn’t fade away even after being scold for another five minutes. Ji Yongie’s tight hug didn’t get less possessive. I did became a little lost in between those two. Just when Little Seung needed helped to look “cool”, Ji Yongie let me go, suddenly I became cold and even more lost. Hyung was doing the photo shot thing and I was standing in the middle of the staff doing nothing but looking at him. I didn’t feel right. There was a tiny burning sadness on my chest that didn’t let me enjoy hyung whole presence. Then, I began to imagine his hand holding mine, while running to wherever hyung wanted to.

“What are you doing?” asked Ji Yongie.

“...”

“Why are you touching your hand like that?”

“I... do... they’re really cold”

Ji Yongie smirked. Something weird was going to happen.

“C’mon”

“What...?”

Ji Yongie held my hands again his chest. Ji Yongie was always warm. I wasn’t used to love. Hyung touch wasn’t forgotten but Ji Yongie’s touch was what I needed.

I looked at hyung, he didn’t look as uncomfortable as before but the sadness was still there. Ji let go my hands, even though I didn’t want to finish holding his hands, part of us knew being over affectionate would bring us nothing but troubles. Or at least that what Dong Wook hyung always said about, he didn’t have a problem, he didn’t even care if Ji kiss me all over my face, the main problem here was Yang Hyung, he really didn’t like the idea of Ji Yongie being gay or biual. Yang Hyung always looked disappointed and disgusted when something “over friendly” happened between Ji and me.

What Yang Hyun wanted most that Ji Yongie? Well, maybe Ji Yongie’s life. Yang Hyun, I got the impression he wanted to live through Ji Yongie. I didn’t want it to happen. But I didn’t know how to prevent it. So as the only thing I could do was stay beside Ji whenever and wherever he want and need me to, I did it. I was incapable to do more for him. I bit my lips anxiously. I lost hyung while thinking about Ji Yongie. It always happened. Ji still stood by my side, he was pouting. Wait. Was Ji Yongie sulking? If he knew I was just thinking about him this whole time. I did what I’d got to do. I caressed his fatty cheeks. Ji Yongie’s expression changed and I changed too. I liked to see Ji Yongie happy. I’d do anything to make him happy, even fight Yang Hyun.  

“What were you thinking, Bae?”

“I was thinking about our future, Ji Yongie. It’s the only thing I always think about it. You and me”

Ji Yongie laughed, he looked at the sunny sky.

“You are really dummy, Bae”

How my best male and only true friend could be so tender? Because of Ji Yongie’s kindness and brightness I could live my whole life without a partner. Moreover, his happiness are amazingly appeal to my own happiness. He is my brother. The one I’d be attached my whole life. Ah, my heart is going crazy. Even when the staff called us to do the photoshoot thing again, my heart didn’t stop beating so crazy. Did Ji Yongie feel the same way I did? Deep inside I hope he did too.

Besides hyung no one struggled during the recording. We went back to the apartment to find out cameraman inside waiting for us. Nothing special had to be done at the moment, although we pretended otherwise. We were nervous and awkward. Our dongsaeng were even more nervous. But Little Seung was the one who made a fuss about it. The cameraman and the producers that came along with us loved him.

All of sudden, we were laughing and sighing over Little Seung occurrences. He did have talent for the entertainment business. Ji Yongie and Hyung Seung joined Little Seung afterward. Not joined Little Seung but they – Ji Yongie and Hyun Seung started to do another things to catch the cameraman and producers attention.

In that moment, I seriously thought that we were on a big show – our own variety show. Though I was preparing myself for that to happen, I was not prepared for the cold excitement that ran through my veins. I was shivering.

Dae Sung, hyung and I were just standing still like fools, sometimes laughing about Little Seung, Hyun Seung and Ji, sometimes trying to pick up the pace of the whole situation, we weren’t able to pick up though.

Ah – if I stopped over thinking about enjoying life I‘d actually enjoy it quite a lot. To get us into it the staff would ask us – Dae Sung, hyung and I, about our daily life and what we were doing at the moment, even if we were just standing still looking over the guys.

I did not know what got into me, but I felt like go to hyung to play with him. I wasn’t able to, hyung quietly went to the bathroom to lock him up. Anyway I got close to Dae Sung, the smiley guy. I didn’t want to push hyung over his limits, not today not ever.

Dae Seung was looking at me, and of course he smiled. We got along well, his presence only had a really calming-like-effect. We started to make silly jokes about the guys. The cameraman and producers loved us too.

It was two a.m. when we were able to be alone again. Hyung stayed in the bathroom the whole time, when he came out I did feel like hugging him tightly, and after he looked at me kind of lost my heart and heat became unbearable to control. Hyung, certainly knew how to make a fool of myself. The silly smile, the gloomy gaze, those pouting lips, which belonged to him keep fascinated me endlessly. I liked hyung and so I found him pretty, but because I’d been enmeshed by him, I found him beautiful. That feeling was way more intense when we were alone, if only hyung... it was better not to find out how I feel about. My feelings towards hyung did not seem to fade away easily, only while being with Ji those feelings seemed to be a little bit disseminated. For s sake, I was screw, I didn’t know what romantic love was but to earn a touch from hyung, that what was I beseeched.

“Bae! Come here quickly! There’s a... a huge thing stuck in the wall!”

– cockroaches and their way to make a bunch of guys pee over themselves if not sleep over the living room. I walked over our room, five out of five guys in the dorm were cornered because of a damn cockroach. I’d have laugh but the whole documentary thing left be restless.

Hell, I wanted to laugh so badly!

I threw things over the roof, the cockroach flew away. Five out of five guys ran away to the living room. I swear this situation would make the producers love us.

I killed the cockroach. The guys didn’t come back. I lied down in the mattress that were all over the floor.  I closed my eyes, I was tired. I was torn out. I felt like doing nothing and all at the same time. I didn’t exactly know what stressed me so much. Maybe... I should have got away with hyung.

“Hey, hyung”

“...”

“Hyung, Young Bae hyung”

I opened my eyes and I looked at Little Seung.

“Did you kill it?”

“Yup. Come over. It’s safe”

The young kid, at least a little bit innocent and impulsive that I, blinked his eyes lots of time and burrowed his eyebrows, to finally gave me a sweet smile. I laughed, his huge under-eyes dark circles.

Ji Yongie entered tip toed, then he suddenly threw himself over me, he hide his face in my neck. Ji Yongie was smiling. I hugged Ji Yongie. Yeah, not cockroaches nor Yang Hyun would make you lose your smile, at least not when I’m around. One by one, they entered to our room again. Dae Sung still a little scared, I wanted to hug him too.

“I hate those things. They’re so disgusting!” whispered Ji Yongie in my ear.

“Hmm”

“Are you always going to protect me from them, right?” Ji Yongie got closer. I could feel his crotch over my right leg.

“I’d do it. Don’t worry”

Could be the hormones. The heat of the youth. Or just the feeling of have a hot body being pressing down over me. Whatever the reason I was getting aroused. I held Ji Yongie tightly so much much tighter than I forget where we were and who were there with us. I closed my eyes and I rubbed myself over Ji Yongie as fast and hard as I could. “Uhm...” Ji Yongie whimpered. I could feel Ji Yongie’s too. Hard and hot, I could feel it almost it all. I hide my face in Ji Yongie’s nape. I bite Ji Yongie’s nape just a little bit. Hot, hard and sweaty. Ji Yongie slightly moved along with me. “Uhm... Uhm...” Whined both of us. Closer a little more, more close to me. I grabbed Ji Yongie’s hair. Unconsciously, I was looking for Ji Yongie’s plump lips. Ji Yongie kissed my neck and I came. Ji Yongie came seconds after me.

I didn’t want to open my eyes. Reality would hit me hard as rock. I didn’t want to. Ji Yongie was trying to get his breathing back to normal. I wanted to scream. I felt revolting. Mommy, I’m so sorry. Dad, I’m so sorry. Brother, I’m so sorry. I opened my eyes. Ji Yongie little by little grew apart from my hug. My eyes completely opened and Ji Yongie completely wasted. Run, run away.

“Got to go to the bathroom” I said.

After a couple seconds of hesitation Ji Yongie let me go. I ran away. I went to the rooftop. I was getting sticky. My pants, were getting rigid as . But I ran anyway. I needed air. I needed to get far far away from the pit I fell. And just when I arrived to the rooftop. I saw hyung.

Hyung had a dangling cigarette on his lips. I couldn’t see him. The moon bright and full barely gave hyung’s silhouette, I only needed that to recognise him.

“Did you finish, Bae?”

“I killed it. Yes, hyung”

“No... That wasn’t...”

Hyung, always so gentle and kind. Hyung, who always looked so cute to me, was fire the cigarette in front of me. I hated cigarettes.

I got near hyung. The smoke burned my lungs and throat. The damn cigarette was hanging on his lips, as he was tempting me. Tempting my patience.

“Hyung, you’re...” You’re so pretty hyung, and you’re smoking.

I thought you had me.