“What?”

Of course it wouldn’t be an easy task to change places with little Seung Hyun. Ji wouldn’t let me go. Not when I was the only one by his side. The only one, who had been by his side since the very begging. The only one Ji trust. Out of habit, I went to Ji’s studio. Even for being a trainee, he had had his ways towards Yang Hyun, or maybe it was the other way around. Probably, I’d never know. Half of the things I’d got a problem with it started with Yang Hyun’s biased vision of Ji and I’s future. Although, Ji had said “we’re going to make it. We belong together”. But if I don’t made it, if Yang Hyun thinks I’m still lacking, I’m still not enough... then what’s the use of this burning pain at night.

Ji’ studio was an old one. It had everything need it to make a song. It was a matter of time whether he made it or break it. Dong Wook hyung told us “it wouldn’t be that hard if you both back each other. Especially you Bae”. I’d never understood what hyung meant. Opposite to Ji Yongie, who always seemed to get the simplest things or least that what I used to think.  

Ji Yongie, Dong Wook hyung and I were discussing Ji Yongie’s new song. Well, hyung was the one discussing with Ji Yongie. They were talking about the beat, the great beat the song had. Although I could barely say something, I agree with hyung on almost everything, I could only say a few words. Dong Wook became so engrossed with Ji Yongie, and Ji Yongie became the same with hyung. I was left behind. It was common. I was used to. I was there but nor really there.

Even if they try to include me, after a couple of minutes they would come back to have a conversation on their own. I tried to not make a big deal about it. Everyone became into Ji Yongie very easily. I kind of admired the way Ji Yongie could always put his best and sweetest smile to all of them.

Ji Yongie’ smiles were very delicate and honest somehow. Compared to me or Seung Hyun hyung, Ji Yongie was made for this business. Ji Yongie liked to show off, to put everything on display to everyone’s judgment. Ji Yongie didn’t bring his heart under his sleeve, his sleeve was under his heart, and Ji Yongie’s heart was such a huge one, sometimes Ji Yongie didn’t need a sleeve at all. That’s the major reason behind Ji Yongie’s charisma, his kindness, those gentle and subtle gestures, which make everybody fall kind of in love with him. I looked at Ji Yongie, he was so into the conversation with Dong Wook hyung, I didn’t dare to say a word. I looked a little more deeply, at Ji Yongie’s eyes. A faint but easy to spot spark on his eyes, a slight blush on his cheeks.

“Hyung, I’ve got to go”

Just like normal days. Ji Yongie lied to get rid of everybody who fell kind of love with him.

“Okay. Then I see you someday”

“Yeah”

“Bye then. Bye Young Bae”

Dong Wook left. Ji Yongie waited till hearing the outside door being closed to lay beside me.

“Wook hyung has an opinion for everything”

Ji Yongie said. Ji Yongie closed his eyes. He looked cute, really, really cute. My hand, maybe because it was we used to do at our first years as trainers or maybe because Ji Yongie was pretty and I just wanted to him to know, I his hair affectedly.

“I’m crazy, I swear. Why everyone is expecting too much from us. Is it because we’ve been here the longest or… I don’t even think is fair, Yang Hyun is putting too much pressure on us, but those guys…”

The only good friend I had is seriously was too grumpy, yet he continued to being so kind and gentle to those guys, to everyone, to Yang Hyun.

“Ji Yongie... Ji Yongie... Are you...?”

“...”

“Ji Yongie... Ji Yongie…”

“…”

“How long are you going to continue sleeping like this...?”

“…”

---------------

A few days ago, Ji Yongie slept on the dance studio. I was called by Yang Hyun hyung because of it. It seemed that sleeping on the floor equals have passion.

Ever since that day, whatever plan I had on my mind about to sleep with Seung Hyun hyung were crushed. Ji Yongie was rather happy to the point he bragged about to our hyungs, including the only one that really matter to me, Seung Hyun hyung.

“Is it okay to you two to be sleeping on the sweaty floor?” was the only thing Seung Hyun hyung said. I felt that in certain ways Ji Yongie and I were letting him down also at the same time I was not pleased on the spot Ji Yongie had left me. Dancers, producers and other fellow’s singers and rappers were making jokes about Ji Yongie and I bond.

Ji Yongie shouldn’t have listened to those silly jokes, because now and then he would grab my hands and interlace our fingers. Although the most embarrassing was when he tried to kiss me just to go with the flow with those silly jokes.

I can’t change anything. To be able to show my burden passion to Yang Hyun hyung I did what Ji Yongie always did. But in some way or other I felt everything done was a failure.

------------------------

The day the jokes stopped was the day we were informed we were going to be filmed. A documentary we were told to be in one of those to show to the public our progress and the ones who would make it to the group. The idol group, Ji Yongie and I were featured in. I lie on the floor and talked about such stupid idea to Ji Yongie.

Even though the idea wasn’t that stupid to Ji Yongie. In fact it seemed a good idea to him. Ji Yongie and I usually differ on a lot on topics regardless if it was about music or the treat we’d get to the guys in our group, especially on little Seung Hyun and Dae Sung. Ji Yongie and I also knew every single thing – who we were meeting for lessons or the criticism we got, and how we felt about the whole mess Yang Hyun was doing with our innocent dreams. Because of this bond with Ji Yongie I found myself unable to get angry or close minded to him.

Even though Ji Yongie looked really tired, he urged with such gentle and subtle gestures to stay by his side, to keep his hair, to sleep beside him on the sweaty and hard dance studio’s floor. I’d gotten to summoned all my courage to not run to Seung Hyun when I got the chance. I was desperate to meet to Seung Hyun hyung. However, I couldn’t left Ji Yongie alone and hyung didn’t seem to be in good humour.  On those moments it was better to leave hyung alone, he would come back eventually, when he felt like it.

Could it be that hyung was also shocked about the whole reality stuff? I wanted to go to him, to stoke his hair too, to hug him so so very tightly, and to be by his side no matter what. But at the moment it seemed not impossible but a difficult goal to get.  

Ji Yongie came closer to me and put his head on my shoulder. His body was cold and sweaty.

“Are you happy?”

“Ah... you scared me”

I laughed. Ji Yongie giggled a bit. I felt his breath and his lips on my neck.

“Bae...”

“I am. Right now. I am”

“Uhm...”

Ji Yongie hugged me and whispered something I wasn’t able to hear. I was too tired to ask him to repeat it.

“Ji Yongie, are you happy?”

“I feel like throwing up”

“Does that makes you happy?”

Ji Yongie laughed and I hugged him back. I was cold and sweaty too. So it didn’t matter how disgusting we were, because at that moment we were equal.

“Well... I am happy. I’ve got you and our dreams. And we are really, really close right not, don’t we? I am happy, at this moment”

Naturally, silence followed. We’d spent many of last month night lying side by side at the same floor. I felt like calling Ji Yongie’s name one more time to make sure he was truly happy, but tears in my eyes seemed to have blocked my voice, my whole body in fact. Ji Yongie relaxed a more and more into my hug. I relaxed little by little by his calm breathing.

As every day could be our last as simply trainers, I could not fall asleep. I felt like I would miss these days, and everything included in them.