Chapter 1

Hyung had always said that “the first love never last, anyway”.

Although there wasn’t a huge between hyung and I, he, in his husky and calm voice, had always seemed more mature about what love is and how does it feel be in love and be loved. Sometimes I got irritated, slightly irritated, yet he was the one I chose to believe. If was anyone who I could believe and chose to follow it was hyung, being driven by passion was what I wanted to do the most. Even if we were to walk different paths after our debut, I hope we could remain as close as now.

Despite what hyung had said about “first love”, the day I tried to understand what it meant was a total disaster. It was spring Dae’s birthday was close, the cherry tree were about to blossom, if that week wouldn’t had been so cold, maybe the cherry trees would have already been blossomed. It was a little cold, colder than an ordinary spring day. Hyung had warned about how spring seemed to be a little late this year. And so that late spring I tried to understand why the first love never last, anyway.

Hyung was standing all alone in the rooftop by the time I came to our apartment. I wanted to stand beside him and to ask what he was thinking about, but I knew I could not stand beside him. Every time he wanted to be alone he came to the rooftop. It just happened that I was looking for him to hang out a little before the guys came to our apartment.

As I was trying to go back to our apartment as quiet as I could hyung called me. Luckily he wouldn't be angry. I said nothing, so he called me again. It hurt. Hyung’s voice was huskier than usual, there was no calm vibe. But what was worse was when he turned around – he was a mess. Red lips and cheeks, he could barely kept his eyes opened as the tears soaked his cheeks and neck. How could i get stand near hyung if I hardly could stand myself all alone? it.

I stood beside him, only to realize I was crying too. I attempted to hug him. My arms didn’t move, in fact my whole body after such act of courage couldn’t move anymore.

There was no one to blame. It was my own mistake for not listening to the logic and run before he could catch me. Sighing, almost whimpering I looked at him and at the rose-coloured sky. I breathed deeply the cold and gloomy air.

As I couldn’t get closer to him, he came closer to me. So I tried to move, being so close to hyung, physically still was somehow strange. While trying to hold on the tears that came out from nowhere I could see the early stars in the rose-coloured sky, the anxiety that was built by every step hyung made didn’t go away. Anxiety that was built near my chest.

I got worried when my arms and feet move towards hyung. The anxiety was getting stronger, it made me felt dizzy. It was the sky rose-coloured or my  glasses were change it? Was it hyung always being so innocent? Was it the spring always been this cold?

Although I was nervous and trying to understand was what happening to hyung, to me and towards the late spring. I kept on the way to my hyung’s arm. Till we finally reached each other.

“I’m sorry, Bae. I’m so sorry”

We held each other. Hyung held me as I was the most delicate being he had ever been with. Not the sky nor the spring were the only things I could not see but hyung composure and calm were also lost in his and mine tears. Hyung, whom I held as the most tender and lovely being I had ever held, was sighing and whispering unintelligible words. There were only a few of them my ears reached.

Hyung held my face with both hands. I tried to look at him, even if tears won’t stop coming I wanted to see him. It took me a few seconds to get calm. When I was able to see him, time seemed to have been stopped. No spring, no rose-coloured sky, no early stars, the whole world had seemed narrowed down to just him. I couldn’t turn back anymore.

It was like looking at the moon. I knew one day I would have to see its dark side but now the innocent and enchanting light was looking through me.

Then I looked at him again. Hyung was ing beautiful. Hyung’s sad gaze, pouting lips, pink cheeks. Hyung’s pure desperation to be loved again by the person he chose to love.

He wore the same as usual, long-sleeve t-shirt and saggy pants. Hyung’s long hair was glued to his cheeks and neck. His beautiful and sad gaze, didn’t match the passion still remaining in his body gestures. His delicate fingertips, were tenderly caressing my neck, my jaw and finally my lips. While trying to keep the manly looking hyung he was and had always been till now, I slowly close my eyes. Yet the last impression I got from him was a delicate one. Why did he look so hopeless? Was it because there were no stars near him? Was it because he was reaching for the sun?

Due to my eyes refusal to turn away. I just kept looking at him enchanting – remembering every little detail of his face, his body, the upcoming night, the few early stars, the cold breeze, the noisy street down us, the unstoppable crowed down us, the way we were breathing the same air through our mouth. We looked at each other timeless as that day late spring night meant to be for us, and for us only.

Suddenly, the sound of his goofy giggling pushed me back to the world that had been down us. I giggled too while I opened my eyes as slow as before. The sky was dark-blue, the moon was hidden still, and the city was a little noisier. Even though there was still remaining of the pain in his face and voice, they were overshadow by his childish smile.

“Let’s go!”

Hyung said cheerfuly.

My hands reached over his, who were caressing my neck. I interlaced our fingers. Again he came closer. Our forehead touched. He closed his eyes and I followed.

“Thanks”

The loud sound of my heart beating was what made me realized that I had completely forgotten who we were. I opened my eyes and I got away from hyung. I interrupted the dream we were on, I cracked the world we were earlier.

The sound of my heart beating didn’t get through his ears for sure. Did something happen to the feeling we had sense? I avoid hyung’s gaze. I went over the door. It was locked. Digging in for my phone to call Ji I acted like nothing had ever happened. The call didn’t get through so I called to the other guys. Dae was the only one to answer, he said he was going to be in the rooftop in about ten minutes. Ten minutes to act like nothing is wrong. Was it something wrong to begin with?   

“We’re goin’ to get freeze before Dae Sung would get here”

Hyung was right. Nights were by far colder than day. The breeze was getting stronger.

“...”

I tried to warm up my arms. I was wearing a plain black t-shirt and pants. I ran a bit it didn’t work out. I clenched my fist and looked around there were, most of the times clothes left behind. Lucky me, today were none of them.

“You know, I can hug you”

I became paler. I looked at him out of the corner of my eyes, he was blushing, and even his neck was redder than his face. Hyung’s long hair hid his ears; but I was sure they were also red. Hyung whispered something; I couldn’t hear what he had said at first. Seeing my confused expression, he looked at me or at least tried to look at me. He frowned, pouting lips too. Hyung wasn’t happy at all to repeat what he had said. Yet he leaned closer, way closer. Now we were a few meters away.

“I am serious, Bae”

I looked for his gaze. I found it at my first attempting.

“You want to hold me? Hyung, we are males. You shouldn’t hold me”

His reaction was so odd. I was about to laugh or to cry I wasn’t sure myself. Hyung looked serious, though. He was standing in the middle of the rooftop calmly. He smirked and closed his eyes, his face was swelled up in anger. Hyung turned around and said loud and clear “You didn’t believe me”

Ah, really? What was hyung doing? I remained myself calm. High hopes was what I needed the less. We didn’t have time to get into...into what Young Bae?

I looked at the dark sky. There was no moon barely some stars and the cold wind. I bite my lips to keep them sealed.   

“I’m not angry tough. I’m not used to being touch, hyung. It’s my problem, not yours”

“Yeah. I don’t mind, Bae”

His casual reply was enough to know how angry he actually was. Even though he turned around to face me again to prove there was nothing wrong with him, and so us. I couldn’t help feeling a little suspicious.

“Hyung...”

I said as a last chance to reach him. But Dae arrived, he ran out of breath. Ten minutes, was it ten minutes? Being with hyung made me forget that there’s a world around us. I felt fear. A senseless fear.