“Hyung... I’m sorry” Dae’s tone was full of regret; however it wasn’t his fault was had happened here. Seung Hyun looked at him in disbelief. Dae got embarrassed. Then I walked towards hyung, grabbed his hand and let us out of the rooftop.

“Him?” whispered hyung in my ear. I shivered.

Dae shrank and shrugged his shoulders, of course hyung whisper wasn’t a whisper at all. Hyung didn’t like to be interrupted. Not by time neither by Dae even if Dae was the sweetest guy among us six.

“It’s fine, hyung” I said.

“Right, what can a cute boy like him say to the other guys?” Hyung question sounded more like a statement.

Hyung can really be a bastard.

“It was getting cold, thanks Dae” I said the same way hyung had said.

I would like to have seen Dae’s face but he was ahead of us went down stairs, plus it was dark. I could barely saw hyung’s smirked. I closed my mouth. Hyung was looking at me. He grabbed my shirt and made me stop. We were, again apart from the others. Hyun turned me around to face him. The corners of his lips were making at arc, his lovely dimples were showing at its best. Although he was lovely making such a grin, there was something devil - we knew what he was capable of. The dim light of the exit sign let me saw hyung’s eyes, they were unveiled waiting for a challenge – which seemed to be me. Hyung was making a bet, he and I probably knew how all this thing would going to end. 

I turned around and ran down stairs.

Was he still making that grin? Was he making fun of me? Hyung’s lovely face was flashing in my mind. I was running away from him yet his face still appeared as a bad joke. My heart, which was afraid of being caught by strange feelings, was also busy with my hyung - Hyung’s pouting lips, pink cheeks and lovely grin, complete with hyung’s long hair in his neck and cheeks, which was stiff because of our tears.

Dae and I were the only one in the apartment. By the time hyung arrived I was getting ready to sleep. “Ah, really? I thought you were going to cut your hair. It’s messy when you try to look like a real idol. In the mornings... you don’t look good, Seung hyung” I put on my earphones. I didn’t want to hear Ji’s boring speech on hyung.

I didn’t know the exact reason; I just found Ji irritating. Sometimes Ji would get too much into being the leader. Even though we weren’t a group yet. I knew Ji liked to be taken in consideration on fashion matter. But hyung really looked cool with long hair. Hyung had his own style. Hyung was a truly rapper; not like Ji neither I.

“Ah, you think so? I thought I look cool”

“Well...”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes!”

Regarding they annoying chat, I didn’t have a good reason to stand up for hyung. If not, Ji would probably get mad at me for defending hyung, but he would get angrier for denying his statement about hyung’s long hair. May be Ji and hyung would see through me.

While trying to get comfy in the mattress, Ji enter to the room. He seemed more relaxed than usual.

After seeing Ji’s face heat through my whole body. I got angry when I saw Ji’s smile.

Ji slowly removed the mattress and lied beside me, still with that foolish smile on his face.

I hid my face in the old pillow. Ji hugged. I hated it. I hate everything; I didn’t have nothing to hate on it. I didn’t have no one to blame for it. I didn’t know why I felt so lost and dizzy. I pushed Ji aside. No love, in this late spring. I wanted no caressing touches, nor sad gazes. I did not want anything I did not ask for.

I was seventeen years old.

I’ve known the bitter taste of unrequired love.

--

“Ah...”

“It’s my first time seeing a person who can't control his body at all”

“Hyung, you really are one of a kind”

“He is trying his best, though. Come on, hyung, I’ll show you”

I grabbed hyung’s arm. I took him to one corner to keep practising the dance moves for the next month evaluation. Hyung’s body was very stiff – arms, legs, neck and even hand barely move. We kept practising after everyone left. They went not before made a stupid jokes about hyung’s wooden moves. At first glance it seemed like hyung didn’t mind those comments and jokes about how bad he was at dancing or styling. But I noticed how his smile wasn’t genuine at all – hyung hid his gaze by squeezing his eyes way too much.

I didn’t plan to get too much into practice, but I couldn’t help after hyung burning gaze. He wanted to overcome every obstacle. I admired that part of him.

Ten before one in the morning. Hyung threw himself on the floor. I threw myself beside him. We couldn’t handle it anymore.  

“You think I would get it one day?”

I couldn’t believe that hyung was sharing his feelings with me. Hyung was opened to talk to me about what everyone would hold. Sharing what we feel could drag us into our deepest fear, feeling weak.

I reached for hyung’s arm. I looked at him with a smile on my face, with my heart on my hands; I touched him.

“We are going to get it someday, hyung”

Fogged mirrors, sweatiest bodies and floor – our bodies hot and tore. Hyung’s smile – hyung sincere smile was what kept me on track.

“You are too good, Bae. I’m glad we got along”

“I should be the one saying that, hyung”

“You are not like that. I didn’t believe in any of the things that were said about you. I only believe in you and I haven’t been disappointed. You’ll never disappointed me. No matter what you do, I’m sure you’ll always have a good reason to do the things you want to do”

After listening to what hyung said, I fell immediately into my thoughts. I fell into last night. What it seemed to be a dream, seemed more real than today’s bad jokes, bad mouthed critics and crowed dance studio room. Ah, hyung was still staring at me. Hyung ing beautiful face. Hyung sweaty and tore face – sad gaze, pouty pale lips, lovely dimples.

“It’s like a promise. It sound like a promise, hyung” I whispered.

Hyung got closer to me. He took my hand, which was on his arm to put in it on his chest. Hyung’s heart beating was fast and I could swear that if we got the air conditioner off we could hear hyung’s heart beating too. Hyung interlaced our fingers; his heart beating got faster, mine too.

“What are we going to do if our paths grow apart? Are you going to believe in me?”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with what we are going to do afterward, but what kind of men we are going to be after we go through our worst, and that is what makes me feel secure that even if I fall I’d have you to back me up”

“I'm afraid. I'm afraid on how sure you are, hyung. I... myself... I’m not even sure of what kind of person would I be at my worst” I stated with trembling voice.

Hyung closed his eyes. Hyung’s heart beating became calm. Hyung’s face got closer to my left cheek. Hyung’s breathing was relaxed. I closed my eyes too. I just wanted to feel him. I wanted to feel loved.

“What are you saying, silly”

“I don’t know. I’m afraid of everything lately”

“Hmm... That’s good. It means you are alert. Just don’t let it drown you into a dark place”

I sighed. Somehow relieved that I’ve got kindness for nothing. I squeezed hyung’s hand. Our hand were sweaty and probably quite dirty for the floor, but it felt so good to hold his hand, to feel his calm heart beating, to feel his relaxed breathing in my left cheek. It felt good being with hyung. It felt good, just like the night before, the world had narrowed just to us; I was not longer afraid.

 “We should be fine... till that day and the day after” hyung kept saying in a sweet tone. I leaned on hyung’ shoulder. We were getting more relaxed. We were getting more in-sync with this unknown feeling that was getting through me day by day.

It’s been less than a year since I met hyung. But it’s seemed to be more the time we’ve been knowing each other.

Like a meant to be encounter. Hyung and I just clicked the first time we found out we like the same music. The first time we talked till three in the morning, we were able to shut up ourselves because we shared the bedroom with Ji, Dae, Hyun Seung and little Seung Hyun. When we noticed how talkative we were around each other was the time Ji got suspicious; “Don’t get too attach to him, that hyung may go one day”. Ji was right, hyung would probably go if he didn’t cut of the five that were supposed to be in YG boy group. And so I didn’t say anything to prove him wrong.

Ji and I, most of the time would agree on everything. We were part of each other; spending our more precious years together, losing and winning the same experiences.

When high school started, training life became tougher. Ji became more aware of himself and the responsibility to have YG favouritism over him. Ji changed and I did too. May be we started to change after our first kiss. It was a first time thing. It was only a one-time thing. It felt good but not right. I kissed Ji because he wanted to try to kiss someone that actually meant something, and because he wanted to cherish such special person and sensation as long as he got life. Ji was empowered. I was afraid of being caught doing bad things. I didn’t feel what it supposed to feel after kissing some you love. Ji seemed to like it tough and asked me to kiss him more times; I didn’t it.

May be the fear I felt last night was the same I felt with Ji and I first kiss. Although it felt a little more different. It felt wrong at the beginning but as I was getting comfortable it felt good, very good and also it didn’t seemed to be a bad thing being alone with hyung. It seemed right to be just the two of us. As if it was meant to be.

“Even if is just you, you’ll be fine, Bae” I leaned my head on hyung’s chest – it was sweat and hyung’s heat was getting through the wet shirt into my body.

“We’re going to be fine. The two of us. Not just me. Us”

Our hands still interlaced over hyung’s heart. I caressing hyung’s smooth hand. I smiled. I felt so secure. There was no time, no pressure, and no bad-mouthing or bad jokes. There was only today. There was only that place that belonged to us and us only.

“Then us. We are going to be fine. We are going to be there someday. And we would probably laugh about how silly and innocent we were”

“Ah, I hope so”

“I swear, suddenly we are going to be almost thirty and we’re going to be huge”

I giggled at hyung’s word. There were exactly what Ji used to say before we were to sleep after an awful day.

Although I took serious what hyung had said, my sense were more concerned on hyung’s body – sweet perfume, warm and relaxed aura that emanate from him. I brought myself to hyung’s neck and inhaled his scent. I didn’t want to think of other stuffs. This narrowed world allowed me only to be filled with him, and no one could have put a stop to it.

Even the wooden, wet and dirty floor of the dance studio seemed comfortable and suited the moment perfectly.

--

I had always given the excuse of not being the leader to take the responsibility on the other guys more lightly. However because of that I was taking responsibility on the harsh comments and actions Ji took against the other guys. It was because hyung was there that seemed life was a lot easier. Even though since that day alone in the dance studio we weren’t able to be alone again – not in the way I would like too, there was always practising or someone who wanted to give us an encouragement speech about our training life and how all this would worth in the future. Also there was always the fear of not being enough to YG’s point of view. Those days were so depressing.

I was waiting for the cherry trees to blossom. It’s been a week already and the weather was getting warmer and lively.  

It was only a short moment of distraction to realised I had been sunk into such dark place. The emotions, my emotions were up and down; I wanted to run away from it, yet it what I choose. I could not gave up so easily.

I should do something to relive this heavy and bitter sensation over my shoulder. Should I go to hyung and sleep beside him even if is just a little bit? Should I go to hyung to talk about silly things even if there’s a bunch of person expecting the very best of us as we are tire as hell? It was most likely to be nag if I try to get hyung distracted for his extra practice. Forget it. It was Ji reputation on the table this time. YG wanted to have hyung in the boy group, yet hyung would have to get through the same test as us. If I distract hyung it would be a mess. It was better to restrain myself. We would be fine when that day arrived. We would be fine.

I still had the chance to switch places with little Seung Hyun to sleep next to hyung. 

“I wish the cherry tree would blossom soon... spring is already here” I whispered as hyung was beside me, leaning on my shoulder as used to. I hoped one day we would be like that again in that far away future that seemed brightest path to us. Recently, hyung was saying he wanted to see the cherry blossom, it’s been a while since had the opportunity to enjoy spring – last year he broke out with his girlfriend, at that time he looked at the ground more than the rose-coloured sky.  

Hyun still had said that spring was one of this favourite season. Hyung, our silly hyung. My eyes became watery. I began to look around; no one was paying attention to me. Of course I was one of them, an ordinary human being waiting for the spring to finally arrive.

It was the same as last week.

Hyung came to me just as I came to him that endless night at the rooftop.

“I wish the cherry tree would blossom. Spring doesn’t want to arrive, though. What can we do but being patience”

“Weren’t you on practice till night, hyung?”

“They let me go. My body started to get it fast today”

“Want to nap a little?”

Hyung sat beside me. He leaned over my shoulder. I leaned over his head. I completely forgot of what others may think; I closed my eyes and got into the moment.

“Aren’t we too comfortable?” said hyung while laughing a bit. I laughed too. It was truth, there was this whole world outside our apartment and the training rooms we had forgotten. I sniffed his scent – hyung’s perfume and sweat mix, always made me feel like home supposed to feel. I was happy I could escape from our reality just for a bit.   

“You right, hyung”

“It’s cool, we got this chance. Hope we can repeat it in the future”

“When the cherry tree blossom”

“Then we won’t have to wait long”

Hyung giggled. Was because it was spring again for hyung that he became lovelier? Or it’s because we are near spring that he is lovelier? Because of his tone and words, I was getting mixed thoughts again. Every detail concerning hyung, I considered them interesting and delicate. I had already fallen for that innocent and tender nature hyung had showed me.

“How do you know those things?”

“...spring has its ways. Once you experience them you’ll know it too”

“I’m still waiting. It takes forever” I pouted.

Even though we were so close, I was unable to feel hyung near me. For the first time in month I felt there was a piece of me that didn’t fit hyung's nature. For the first time I let my heart raced to its own beating. I sniffed hyung’ scent again. It didn’t fail I relaxed. I wanted to keep going and ask more about spring and its ways, but hyung – low pace and calm breathing, made me stopped. Hyung was taking a nap. Cherry tree blossom or not, spring was still as beautiful and hopeful as ever.