“We’re growing further apart

Then we just need to hold each other

So we don’t grow apart

We could have just grabbed onto each other

I know, I know that, but

I know that it’s not as easy to do as simply saying it

Still, as time passes, little by little

Will we be able to just forget everything?

If I were to look back by chance, I’ll listen to this song”

“Hyung, the track is nice! Are you gonna use it for our next album?” asked Hansol to his brilliant composer hyung, how lucky must he be to know Lee Jihoon.

“Probably. Probably not. I’m still thinking if it’s good enough and I haven’t really decided for the lyrics of the song. I’m not sure if I should include a rap in it. These two verses are only what I have and I’m stuck.” The kid can sense the frustration from the Busan guy.

“What are you talking about?” asked the group’s leader who’ve just entered the recording/brainstorming room.

“Ah, Cheol hyung, Jihoonie hyung asked for an opinion about some verses he wrote. The track is really good but he’s stuck. Wait I'll play the track” Said the innocent kid.

“Ah wait! Maybe we should brainstorm for other songs for now. That won’t be a problem, right?” Seungcheol faces Jihoon without actually looking at the smaller guy.

“Yeah. He’s right. I’m done writing the other parts of Geursse (I Don’t Know Well).” Jihoon said in the most formal way possible.

“I’m done with mine too. I’ve already shown mine to Woozi hyung. How about you, Coups hyung?” Vernon asked.

“Here.” S.Coups gave the kid a copy of the rap that he wrote and placed Jihoon’s copy on the table. The gesture made the composer some weird contractions in his chest but he ignored it, thinking that of course things won’t be normal. Not after their breakup. The Blond-haired composer let out a sigh that didn’t get let unnoticed by the keen eyes of Seungcheol.

“Ehem. I’ll start the rap.”

“Let’s go in for a bit

A room where you can hear the sharp sounds of a sensitive clock

Questions that are quite short, compared to the amount of curiosity

It breaks the silence in between our conversation

Full of feelings of dissatisfaction

It overflows, can’t do this anymore

Our surroundings that are covered with sighs are quiet

Even if I feel like I can’t breathe, it’s better to not say a word

Our relationship that has hardened

A fight that doesn’t reach a solution

The room door that ends up opening becomes the starting point

Turning heads, let’s talk next time”

Jihoon knew that being in the same group would cause inescapable interactions but he didn’t expect it to be this toxic. He knows that the lyrics might not pertain to their old situation but knowing Seungcheol, he probably based the lyrics on what he has been through. Jihoon never imagined that knowing Cheol to the tiniest details would cause this much displeasure to him.

“Hyung. Hyung!” Hansol waved his hand in front of the dazed Woozi.

“Oh? Ah. It’s quite good. As expected from hyung.” Seungcheol subtly grimaced from the compliment and the way Jihoon mentioned him. The Busan guy rarely called him ‘hyung’, even before they got together, they were so close that Seungcheol allowed Jihoon to call him by his first name. Even the clueless Hansol felt something weird when Woozi said ‘hyung’ but he never brought it up.

“Have you prerecorded the guide?” Coups asked Jihoon, finally looking at the smaller guy. Jihoon returned the gaze only to look away after seeing the eyes that he used to love, no, the eyes that he still loves. Eyes that seem to sparkle with kindness and affection every time he stares at it. Seeing that the same pair of eyes display the same sparkle brings heartache to the poor guy.

“I have. Try rapping along with the track. You too, Vernonie.” Woozi demanded. He knows it won’t be easy but he might as well try to be civil and professional as he could. This, too, shall pass.

“Okay!”  Vernon said while doing some mouth exercises.

As the track reaches the last two verses, Jihoon couldn’t help but express the emotions that he has been trying to hold back.

“…Tears fall again

Without stopping, they fall, Oh

I feel like I know, no wait, I know now

If it’s not you, I can’t

I can’t send you off

After so long, why now do I see you, Oh

Will you be able to embrace me who grew apart

Don’t really quite know, I don’t really know”

Then he remembers Seungcheol’s presence and gained control of his emotions. You should know better, Lee Jihoon. Don’t waste everything you’ve done.

“How was it? Do you think I should change something?” Woozi immediately says after fully regaining composure.

“It’s fine by me hyung, I think the line distribution is alright. But I think it would be nice if Coups hyung would sing a line, too. Rappers voice are usually good to stop being monotonous.”

Jihoon secretly envies the obliviousness of the kid. If only he can be as unaware back when he was starting to have feelings for the leader then his feelings wouldn’t grow this much. He wouldn’t have to pretend that everything is okay when it’s not. But then again, he won’t experience the happiness that he had when they were still together. These conflicting ideas start to eat Jihoon inside.

“Hmm. You’re right. Then try singing this line, hyung.” Woozi underlined a line in the latter part of the song.

“Are we unable to go back

Don’t really quite know, I don’t really know”

Seungcheol tried finding the right key, adjusting his voice to fit the song. Jihoon unknowingly stares at the eldest guy. He couldn’t help but remember the times Seungcheol sang annoyingly just to get his attention or the times when the leader sang lullabies while the tired Jihoon was resting on his lap. Those are the times Jihoon couldn’t help but miss.

The smaller guy came back to his senses when Vernon spoke up. “Hm. Jihoon hyung try singing it together. Your voices mix up well, you know.”

If the two’s relationship had never been a secret then Jihoon would glare at the kid for doing it on purpose but, alas, only the two of them knew about it, making the kid rapper free from guilt.

“Does it? I don’t know, I already have a decent amount of lines, though,” Jihoon tried escaping the suggestion of the kid although he agrees that their voices fit each other well, after all, the two of them practiced the longest and have performed quite a number of songs together.

“No, let’s try it,” S.Coups said firmly and Woozi, as expected, approves eventually. Singing together with their voices not clashing, at least once more brings sadness to Jihoon’s eyes.

“See. It’s better!” Hansol exclaimed.

Clouded by the emotions, Jihoon suddenly got inspired to write some lyrics to supplement the verses that he wrote a while ago.

Being the spontaneous person Jihoon is, he suddenly picked up a pen and his notebook which is full of lyrics from the past years of his composing career. The two rappers know that they won’t be able to talk to the composer for a while, seeing that Jihoon is in ‘his zone.’ They left the kid who vomited emotional words to the paper. Constructing the words as if he’s talking to someone, although deep inside he knew that the person he’s pertaining to is none other than Choi Seungcheol.

People would’ve thought that expressing his feelings is a piece of cake for a composer and lyricist like Jihoon but it differs for him. Unlike in real life conversations, he never minded if he must speak formally or informally, how he must call a person, how he must construct his words when writing lyrics. He lets it flow, courageously puts up words together without being afraid of being judged by others. His songs are his outlet.

Jihoon painstakingly revisited the memories he’s had with Seungcheol, focusing on the pain which is fitting for the surge of emotions he’s currently feeling.

The first time he felt that they are bored of each other’s company. The moment he saw Coups laughing heartily with the other members but not when he’s alone with him. They unmistakable act of avoidance of being alone together during recordings, making sure that there are at least two other members in the recording room. The instant the leader stopped bugging him to hear his new tracks, read his lyrics or annoyingly asked the smaller one to critic his raps. The second Choi Seungcheol started pretending that the songs Jihoon wrote weren't for him.

The blond guy usually takes days to write lyrics but this time, he finished a song just in time for dinner. By the moment Seungkwan peeked inside the recording room to call him the diva got greeted by Jihoon’s puffy eyes and tear-stained face. Now his eyes are really nowhere to be seen. Seungkwan was about to make a joke out of it but he remembered that this is his Jihoon hyung that we’re talking about. The Busan namja, chic guy, stern, and strong-willed Lee Jihoon.

The Jeju boy obviously panicked after assessing the situation, asking his hyung a thousand times about what happened and if he was alright. The hyung appreciated the thought even if he knows that he can’t share anything with the kid, he felt a bit better than before.

“I’m fine, I just got moved as I wrote some lyrics. Gomawo, Seungkwan-ah.” He said while giving Seungkwan a delicate smile. “I’m going out for a bit. Go tell the other kids to eat without me. Don’t worry, I’ll settle things with manager hyung. Go.” He said as he pushed the worried one out of the room.

--

Jihoon walks without knowing where to go. A stroll won’t hurt, especially after considering the psychological state he’s in. He drops by a convenience store to buy some water. All the crying dried him up, physically and emotionally, although crying is supposed to be therapeutic.

Unintentionally he treads the path to Han River, the place where he and Seungcheol officially became a couple. He’s about to go the other way but after a while, he has decided that the place deserves to hear the song first, after all, it was the witness to everything he’s tried to hide. Willingly letting go of all the pent up emotion in his chest, he brought out his mp3 player and his earphones, preparing to play the background track and his voice that’s about to unravel the real Jihoon.

“We’re growing further apart

Then we just need to hold each other

So we don’t grow apart

We could have just grabbed onto each other

I know, I know that, but

I know that it’s not as easy to do as simply saying it

Still, as time passes, little by little

Will we be able to just forget everything?

If I were to look back by chance, I’ll listen to this song

Don’t listen to it secretly

Even if it becomes a song you won’t listen to,

this song I’ve made for you

Don’t listen to it secretly

For sad songs

It’s okay to shed tears while listening

Since music is supposed to be like that

This song that you have to listen to

Don’t pretend that you didn’t listen to it even though you did

If you’re listening to my heart 

Can’t you come back to me?

That’s right, I’m still, that’s right, I’m still

I’m still far from being tired of waiting

Although I’m scared

But still, I’m believing in time

Since everyone tells me it’s the cure

Even if I seem like a fool,

there’s nothing that changes even when I close my eyes

Don’t listen to it secretly

Even if it becomes a song you won’t listen to,

You, oh you

(This song that was made for you)

You, I’m a fool for you

(This song that was made for you)

Don’t listen to it secretly

At this point,

What can I do?

I’m standing here, thoughtlessly standing,

At the place where we were together, my love

Don’t listen to it secretly

A song you won’t listen to

Even if it becomes such a song

(This song that was made for you)

You, I’m a fool for you

(This song that was made for you)

Don’t listen to it secretly

Don’t listen to it secretly

Don’t listen to it secretly”

“Haaa. Choi Seungcheol I’ll forget you someday!!! As expected, shouting at the Han river is the best to let out everything. Whaaaaa!” Laughing to himself he turns around to see a serious looking Seungcheol. A crying Choi Seungcheol.

“Seungch-“

Everything stops for Lee Jihoon.

Open-ended for the sake of the readers! Have fun imagining what happens in the end ^^

Edit: 01/12/2017 10:31PM PST

I got an idea from wintercrystal~~ Please comment below your imagined ending and unleash the writer within you! It'll be fun to read each other's ideas, don't you think? Take your time and appreciate other's endings as well! Spread the love <3