Sehun was happy, not so much for the baby coming, but for the joy Yoona felt. She was glowing, and it was that glow that made her ten, a hundred times more beautiful, so he was happy too. It wasn’t like he hadn’t think bout it, about getting married with her and start a family, after all, if it wasn’t Yoona it wasn’t going to be anybody, but still all those ideas weren’t really his type. Around that time Yoona stated attending weddings and Baby showers from her closest colleagues. Maybe Yoona herself didn’t notice, but whenever she had to pick gifts for the new born her whole face transformed into a smile, yet she never spoke to Sehun about it, she never forced him to have a conversation about their future because for some reason Yoona felt there wasn’t a future between them. She was conscious about her younger boyfriend, she knew she was now thirty five years old, almost thirty six and Sehun was only twenty five, an age when for a man, the least attractive thought is about kids and wife and to be completely honest, Yoona didn’t want that either. It wasn’t only because of what her mother had done to her, but also because she had the idea that society defined women for their motherhood, and if you were not a mom by certain age you were simply not enough woman, so all the ‘mother day’ thing always displeased her, but the moment the doctor told her someone was growing inside her Yoona felt the need to be extra careful with her body. She suddenly felt happy, she was raising someone that was born because she loved Sehun like crazy. She knew the possibility of Sehun being not very fond of the idea existed, but she was still young and had enough money to halt activities and raise the baby by herself, the idea alone was scary, the scariest part was seeing a side of Sehun she might not love, that’s why when he smiled hearing the words ‘I’m pregnant’ coming out made her run to him and hug him. Yoona buried her face into his chest while Sehun kissed her head.

“That’s … amazing” He mumbled, looking at her big doe eyes.

“I was really scared you might get annoyed. I figured what I’m going to do, but I’m not sure what you want to do. You are still young and…”

“Stop, let’s not worry about anything today. This is the happiest I’ve been since you and I became a couple” Sehun said with a big smile.

They spent all day in bed talking and imagining how much their lives were going to change now that they became parents. It was silly to try jumping nine months ahead, but they still did. They even talked about names. Sehun wanted a girl; he expressed his wish to raise a mini Yoona. Yoona on the other hand just wanted a healthy baby that inherited Sehun’s smartness. Sehun then said he would steal some of her mother’s tricks, like reading books every night for the baby, made her or him listen classical music, teach her to write and read at the age of three. Yoona clapped excited. She compromised herself to exercise everyday and eat a good diet in order for their baby to be healthy. Anyone who had heard the conversation between this two would realize this was their first baby, and they were overly excited.

The excitement was suddenly shut when Sehun told Hwayoung the news. After hearing Sehun was having a baby she suddenly broke a glass. She looked at him disappointed, almost angry.

“And you are happy?” She asked, exasperated by Sehun happiness.

“Yes, I’m having a baby with the woman I love and she is happy, so why wouldn’t I? Sehun asked

“Of course Yoona is happy. She is a well-known artist in Korea and overseas, she has tons of money, she can stop working for the rest of her life and her baby would still grow with commodities…and you... you are just and idol, your fame is based on teenagers that once they find you are becoming a parent are going to freak out, they are going to end your career or even worse, they might hurt Yoona and her baby”

“It’s not her baby, it’s our baby, mine and Yoona’s, and you are forgetting something. I might not went to university, but if I set my mind into looking for a regular job to support ‘my family’ I will, as for the fans, Yoona comes first, I will protect her no matter what” Sehun said, much more serious than when the conversation started.

“Ok, then tell me, do you even know what it takes to become a father? Look at your personality Sehun, you still need to grow and mature. Look at what you did on the Halloween party because people was saying Yoona and Donghae made a great couple, if you couldn’t even resist that, why do you think you are good enough to be a parent? Tell me, do you think you can raise a good human being? You don’t even love him, you love that Yoona is happy, that you made her happy by having a baby, and just for that, you are already a horrible father. Yoona won’t forgive that if she finds out” Sehun eyes became desperation, and Hwayoung noticed, so she smiled victorious.

‘Hwayoung is right, I am a horrible person’ Sehun kept thinking a week after her conversation with her friend. Yoona noticed changes too. She didn’t expect Sehun’s excitement to last all of her pregnancy, but she whished Sehun could be a little happier, like she was. It felt like Sehun wasn’t present, like he hugged her out of habit, kissed her because that was what he was supposed to do and responded always with Yes/no, and maybe because of the hormones, but after two weeks of that Yoona had had enough.

“Tell me what’s wrong” Yoona said one night when Sehun retuned from an overseas schedule, kissed her forehead and directly to the room, not wanted to look at her belly.

“What?” Sehun asked, changing his t-shirt.

“You’ve been disconnected for three weeks now. What is it?”

“I don’t understand”

“I went to the doctor yesterday. I know you were in Japan but, a call would have been nice, a ‘What did the doctor said?’ when you entered the room would had make me really happy. In three days is our birthday, you are not going to be here and of what I’ve see you haven’t even planned anything” Yoona said with watering eyes.

“Why are you crying? Listen I am tired, that’s all. I’m not like you; I don’t have enough money so I have to work my off to be there when the baby is born. I’m sorry if I didn’t ask you about the doctor, but come on, if something was wrong you would have already told me, as for the birthday, this is not the first one we are spending together” Yoona threw Sehun the pair of socks she was carrying on her hand. She let all the tears down her face.

“Unlike you, I don’t find your birthday that trivial, I did prepare something for you. And no, is not about a gift, its about knowing you still think of me, which you clearly don’t anymore” Yoona said putting her coat and leaving the apartment. When she shut the door, Sehun started hitting his own head. He opened the gift Yoona had left over the table.

“ My love,

It’s crazy this is the last birthday we are spending just the two of us. I feel it was just yesterday we met and almost hated each other. Nah, I never hated you, I always loved you. You are the best person I have ever known, you are the closest thing to perfection and the gift you gave me by loving me is someone no one else can ever match, so I set six gifts, each for every year we have spend together.

1. Your birthday cake (inside the fridge)
2. The camping boots you showed me the other day (in the bedroom)
3. A necklace like your mother’s but this one is from our baby and me, we can pick the letter once we decide the name (in the couch)
4. The set of books you said you wanted to read to our baby but were not in store when you tried to buy them (in the bookshelf)
5. A dinner with you family tomorrow at two (everything is set, you just need to show up)
6. Is in the reverse of this sheet ”

Sehun turned the sheet and saw an ultrasound with the words ‘We are having a healthy girl J” written on it. He put is coat and rushed of the apartment, looking for Yoona. She was nowhere to be seen. He tried to call Donghae and Leeteuk, but because of the heavy rain in the street his phone crashed, so he rushed to the apartment hoping to see Yoona there. Since they didn’t have a home phone, Sehun went out again and called her friends in a convenience store, but both said Yoona hadn’t contacted them and offered to help find her. He spent the night outside, and when he came back the next morning, everything was exactly like when he had left. When the time for the meal with his family came, Sehun thought Yoona might appear there. It was wird for Yoona to make a gift like that. Sehun had just once introduced Yoona to his father and that was it. Yoona knew Sehun wasn’t wery fond of his father, so she never really asked Sehun about him. Yoona didn’t even know Sehun’s two older brothers so when he went into his olde house and found it decorated he felt strange.

“By any change, has Yoona arrived?” Was the first thing Sehun asked when he saw his father sitting next to the table. He had gotten older. The strong figure Sehun remembered was gone.

“No, I thought she was coming with you” His father answered, drinking tea. Sehun looked at his watch. It was still early for dinner, so he decided to wait there. By now, he had already visited all of the places they had been together and hadn’t found her, so he felt useless every minute that passed by. He was sweating while looking at the door. When his brothers entered and Sehun noticed it wasn’t Yoona he started hitting his head again. His older brother stopped him.

“She is not coming, I messed up” Sehun said, almost crying after his brother asked what was wrong.

“Why? Did something happen?”

“Because I messed up, because I am stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking” Sehun said with trembling hands, he had lost the last hope he had of finding Yoona, and now he was acting like crazy.

“Because of the baby?” His father asked. Sehun turned around and saw him with confused eyes. Except from Hwayoung no one knew about the baby. Yoona hadn’t told Leeteuk nor Dnghae because she was scared for EXO’s career. When Sehun suggested to get married and come clean to the public Yoona denied. ‘You have to think about the other members of EXO. The hate we might receive will end their careers as a group too’ so they decided to keep it a secret until they found what to do, but with Sehun’s attitude the last weeks, they never talked about it again.

“How do you know about the baby?” Sehun asked angry.

“Yoona started coming a week ago. She has been visiting me since then. At first I didn’t like her coming, but then I realized I had no one tot talk to until she started visiting me. On Thursday she came really upset. She said she had gone to the doctor and her defenses were low. That’s when she told me about the baby. When I told her how happy I was for my first grandchild Yoona said she was happy too, and she believed you were also excited to become a father, but for some reason you had become cold to her. What’s wrong Sehun?” His father asked

“I am happy, but I am also scared. I feel I am not ready to be a father. When she told me I was the happiest person alive seeing her joy but then I realized my happiness wasn’t because of our baby, but because of her and because of that I was already a bad person. I could not tell Yoona about it, I thought she was going to be mad at me. I could not look at her belly; I felt our baby would feel I didn’t love her enough. I isolated myself. I started working more, thinking that money would compensate the fact that I didn’t love our children. I wanted to ask Yoona how she felt and if she needed anything, but the feeling that I was asking just because of her not for the right reasons stopped me many times. It came to a point that when I was with her all I could think about was how to hide the fact that I didn’t deserve her, because any other man would be the happiest knowing Yoona was carrying his child, so it became harder to pretend I was worth of her and I became mad because everything she thought at the beginning of our relationship turned out to be true. I was too young and immature to be with her, and we wouldn’t be together forever, so I thought it was the baby’s fault, and the cycle started over again” Once Sehun’s thoughts were out, he felt he could breath again, he showed his emotions by crying, and for the first time, hugging his father.

“Sehun, you worry too much. I raised you; I know how your head works. You are incredibly intelligent but have little abilities with people, that don’t make you a bad person; moreover, it doesn’t mean you are going to be a bad father. If not, look at me, even with my personality I managed to raise along with your mother three amazing men. I can assure you just by loving Yoona of course you love your baby, and can guarantee you once you see that little person is growing inside her, every stupid thought you have about parenting will change. None of the things you just said mean you are incapable, they just mean you are scared, but so are all of us, you just need to endure it and I assure you, you’ll become the happiest man when you notice you have a family on your own”

8301138. stayed with his father the afternoon. He needed someone to calm him down and surprisingly his father became the only person who could do so. He slept for two hours and left the early morning of the next day. He was sure he could talk to Yoona and she would understand, just like his father did, but when he arrived the apartment at seven in the morning he found Kai at the door waiting for him.

“Man, where have you been? We were looking for you the whole damn night” Kai said, more anxious than angry.

“What’s going on?” Sehun asked, opening the apartment door.

“Yoona, she is in the hospital. Donghae found her two days ago and he’s been trying to call you since then but you don’t’ answer” Kai wasn’t even finished when Sehun left the building running. When they arrived the hospital and looked for Yoona the nurse told him she had already left an hour ago. Sehun started breathing heavily, that’s when Leeteuk found him and Kai.

“Sehun, can we talk?” He asked, taking Sehun to a quiet place.

“Do you know where Yoona is?” Sehun asked, desperate.

“I don’t. But I saw her. She…she asked me to give you this” Leteeuk gave Sehun an envelope. “I don’t know what is written inside but, you need to know when she wrote this she was out of herself, so, don’t take personal everything it says” Sehun looked at Leeteuk confused. “Listen, she lost the baby. Yoona lost the baby, I don’t know the details about it, but when I arrived the doctor was telling Dongahe. When we told Yoona she freaked out so Donghae took her, she is with him. I really don’t know where he took her but she is safe. I assume the baby was yours, and I thought you had to know” Sehun felt pain side his chest, a pain so great it made him impossible to breath. He felt his head was burning, but his hands were cold, deadly cold. Leekeuk helped him to take a seat, because he didn’t even felt his legs. When they took him to EXO’s dorm Sehun found the strength to open the letter Letteuk had given him.

“Everything is over now. You can go back to a normal idol life and live like a twenty six year old is supposed to. The baby is gone. Do I blame you? Yes. I don’t want to, but I keep thinking, hadn’t I left the apartment during the rain, hadn’t you be so cold towards me…but as I said, everything is over now. I don’t think you want to see me, and I for sure don’t want to cross paths with you ever again. When you read this, if you care enough for reading it, I will be gone. Keep the apartment; it’s full of bad memories now. Someone is going to take all of my things and will leave the key in the kitchen. I hope we really don’t ever see each other again. The only thing we did was destroying ourselves. One last thing, I feel I have to tell you this, take it or not. Don’t ever do what you did to me to someone else”

Sehun ran to his apartment, but just like the letter said, a key was in the kitchen. Yoona’s pictures, clothes, music, everything was gone, like if she had never existed.