Jessica POV

My anxiety attacks are becoming more frequent and intense . I fear for my health , both physically and mentally but to be honest I haven't been in top condition for awhile . I can't explain how I feel , I just remain silent ( my head thick , full of ideas that I can't express because I think in concepts , not words  , in the abstract .) sitting in my armchair in the dark .

My headache doesn't stop and my ideas are hurting but my breathing is getting back to normal .

How something abstract , intangible and inexpressible in words can do so much damage ? These sensations are haunting me .

My eyes scan the room and stop on one of my shelves which is full of novels . They were helplessly  romantic  and the idea of love itself made me fall for these novels since it's the only thing close to love that I will ever experience . Maybe one day my self esteem will let me fall inlove once again instead of fleeing like last time .

Oh god how i wish for that to come true .

It's been so long since I fell inlove , I've forced myself to it because I'm capable .  I'm capable to love someone . I think .

I'm fully aware of all my moods , how to trigger and reverse them but that level of consciousness only worsens my mental state , nothing  feels sincere . Since a long time ago I haven't felt anything real.

Looking back in time , I always thought that I would end taking a chance with him and when I had it  I felt disgusted for some reason . At that time I couldn't understand my own feelings . I liked him maybe loved him but when he was mine , I was scared accepting those feelings and for some reason i tried to abandon them . My mind told me that I don't deserve his love and that he will never love the true me  yet I knew that he loved me but I couldn't accept reality . I couldn't accept the thought that someone loved me and then stupid me listened to my mind and without me knowing it , I flee every time i see him , avoided every conversation . I avoided him for months on months and  deep inside I knew what I was doing yet I acted that i was clueless and stated that I was busy but at the same time I was lying  .

I was busy keeping my insainty in tact  , I didn't want to become an victim to anxiety and depression . I couldn't accept that I was ill . No one knew and these break downs I kept them to my self and told no one . I would cry every night , fearing that I was losing my self . I was truely confused . I didn't know who I was anymore .

Yet he waited paitenlty for me without knowing the reason why I acted this way , my friends told me that I was a for playing with his heart and how I should break up with him and of course they are right but I just couldn't . I couldn't give up , it took me a lot of courage and effort to tell him about my feelings , my growing feelings for him  . Of course he was suprised