Genre(s): Angst and romance

Status: Completed [Three chapters]

Graded or Nongraded: Graded

Focus: Writing Style and Overall Enjoyment



Title {2/5} 
The title “Summer Love” has some relation to the story. In the Description and in the story, Kai relates his love to summer. However, the story happens at Christmas time, and they did not meet in summer or have their relationship bloom in the summer. Aside from the Description, there were only two times the season was mentioned was in Chapter 2 where there was a random “It was like summer all over again” at the end of one scene. The next scene, it was winter again.

A summer love usually reminds something that is so passionate and exciting [like a spark that starts a big fire or explosion] but so fleeting. That’s not what happened in the story.

So what is the relation of the title to the story? How exactly do you show this “summer love” aside from a few lines? Maybe if there was more description on how exactly the love was like summer. Was it that warm? Was it passionate? Was it hot and steamy? How so? What scenes would prove this? We never get to feel the warmth of this love since the scenes where Jongin and Iseul were together were far too few. I feel like the title is okay, but it doesn’t effectively market your story because it doesn’t wholly encompass the vibe and what happened in your fic.

It is also not unique or original [especially since it’s from a song with the same title]. There are so many stories on this site titled the same, so it would be hard to see what makes your readers different all of the other stories out there that are the same.

Description and Foreword {6/10} 
After reading your Description, my first thought was that it was way too long. And that didn’t make sense to me. Looking at it now, it doesn’t even seem that long [in regards to word count], and I’ve seen longer summaries on this site, really. I think the reason why your Description felt so long is because the lines after the first paragraph [right after “Despite so, he still waited”] just dragged the pace and were redundant.

Your Description repeats this whole idea about how the girl made his summer dull. It drags out this idea of how this girl is so important and made him sad. These lines also gave away too much of the mystery behind what the girl did to leave Jongin there. Because of this, all of the buildup and mystery that the first part of your Description has set up lost its impact. [There was also the fact that the figures of speech used in the Description are cheesy and overused on top of repetitive. They didn’t offer anything new.]

I honestly think that you could have cut the Description after “Despite so, he still waited”, sprinkle some description about the setting of the story, and be done with it. The first section poses many questions [Who is this girl? Why did she not show up? Why is he waiting for her?] that would make your readers want to click Next Chapter to gain answers to these questions. This section also does so in a subtle manner, in comparison to the next lines that just...dump the background repetitively and slow down the momentum of the initial part.

Plot {18/30}
Regarding the plot, I can see the plot clearly, but there is a huge gap in the middle of the story and some parts of the story do not connect well or are unrealistic.

The major jump that I saw was the sudden “breakup” from Iseul and her father asking Jongin to take wedding photos. These two plot points came out of nowhere and with no explanation. They do not flow smoothly within the story. Before the scene of the “breakup” [and I use quotation marks here since they technically didn’t even breakup as much as Iseul ghosted Jongin without any explanation], they were just talking about Jongin entering a contest. Now she’s breaking up with him? What? Why? Yet, the note just says “It’s me who doesn’t deserve a gem like you”. There are no scenes before it that shows this struggle that Iseul has or moments that show how Iseul was lacking in the relationship to have the mindset to write down those words. There were also no other scenes that show personal conflicts that Iseul has. If there is a hint in the story, it’s probably so subtle that I would need a microscope to find it.

Then, we go into the scene where in Iseul’s father, an antagonist in the story, is introduced. The antagonist came out of nowhere with no foreshadowing or prior communication with the protagonist. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Suddenly, in Chapter 3, Iseul’s father is pulling them apart and rubbing it in Jongin’s face. What? Why? He has never even met Jongin before and the conflict that Iseul has to marry someone with money was never mentioned or hinted at the previous scenes. Though the father has been mentioned in the previous chapter and within the third chapter, he was always just a small detail that was never brought up again.

Because of these two plot points came out of nowhere, these scenes that were supposed to evoke shock and angst were not effective. Instead, they only evoked confusion. Since the father was mentioned in the previous chapters, perhaps you can include little hints like with how Iseul has a strained relationship with him and is forced to do things because of him. You can also hint at Iseul’s future of being in an arranged marriage or having inner conflicts in regards to the impending end to her relationship with Jongin.

Details of the story are disconnected. In Chapter 2, you wrote that Jongin gave up on having photography as his dream to be able to provide for his family, but in Chapter 1, Jongin is a famous photographer already. Chapter 2 or 3 did not have any mention of how he became a photographer after high school. He even stated that in the latter chapter, when talking to Iseul’s father, that he wanted nothing to do with photography (or even use the camera that Iseul gave him). Something definitely happened in the middle if Jongin was able to chase his dream, but we don’t know what that is. It can’t just be because he took Iseul’s wedding photos. I think that these details are important since it would show a shift in goals or a change to Jongin’s character.

Another point that didn’t make sense was the premise of Jongin waiting for Iseul. I don’t understand the logic behind waiting for Iseul in on a bench in a park every Christmas Eve after she married. Unless there was a moment where they promised to meet each other there or if there was a mention of a traditions wherein they both go to that spot on Christmas Eve, it just doesn’t make sense why Jongin would wait there every year and hope that Iseul would come. It wouldn’t make sense that Iseul would go there as well to specifically seek out Jongin.

Also, why would Jongin accept a photography job with no details on who is getting married? That’s not how wedding photography works. Of course he would know who is getting married and the members of the wedding party so he can take photos of important people and tag his pictures appropriately when he has to release the compilation to the client. These details would even be included in a contract. It is not realistic that he will just learn who is getting married at the wedding and be so shocked.

Finally, the scenes that take in the present do not push the story forward and are redundant. I wish there was more substance to the scenes in the present. Most of the scenes in the present are just redundant because they do not provide new information. Jongin is just waiting there and pining for this girl, comparing their love to summer. That’s it. It repeats every chapter. There is no new information and the scenes do not progress the story. Jongin doesn’t do anything.

Characterization {8/15}
Characterization-wise, I don’t think that Jongin’s or Iseul’s characters were explored effectively in the story. These characters take a backseat to a cramped story so their characters weren’t fully developed.

Let’s start with Jongin.

It’s hard to root for Jongin. His character is something that is overused in a lot of stories: poor, the ONLY scholarship student stuck in a setting full of rich people, bullied, and shy. However, the reason why these overused characteristics work well with other characters in other stories is because the characters actually work towards something or they fight back. It’s easy to root for an underdog who take charge of their own life or actively do something to change their fate or their circumstances. Jongin doesn’t really do much aside from mope around and obsess over this one girl.

He’s a passive character, and that isn’t interesting to a lot of readers [especially coupled with cliched plot and uninteresting scenes]. A passive character is a character that is practically a doormat. They don’t do much to push the story forward. Throughout Summer Love, Kai doesn’t...do much. He’s just there to experience what is happening. In the present scenes, he just sits around waiting and moping. In the past scenes, people decide things for him and he just let things happen to him. He goes to a school he doesn’t like, he doesn’t do anything about the bullying, he doesn’ strive to pursue his dream in photography, and we never see him actually go out of his way to be with Iseul. He’s just there. So what makes him different from an inanimate object?

Also, Jongin doesn’t develop or change in the story. He remains the same from start to finish: flat. He’s still mopey and shy, and he doesn’t do much. That is not an interesting character or a rounded character. His character doesn’t move, unless Iseul pushes him to. That’s not fair to him. Perhaps if Jongin had developed a bit throughout the story, whether positive [like becoming braver like Iseul] or negative [like becoming cynical] , then his character would be less flat.

I can clearly see why Jongin would like Iseul since she defended him against bullies and went out of her way to befriend