Genre(s): Action, angst, dark, horror, psychological, suspense, and thriller

Status: On-going [Nine story chapters]

Graded or Nongraded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Characterization

Disclaimer: There will be many mentions of gore, violence, mental illnesses, and abuse. If you are sensitive to such topics, it would be better to skip reading this review.



Title {4/5} 
I like the working title. It’s interesting and eye-catching. At first glance, you’d think that it would be the overused “Black and White”. However, since it’s slightly different, it does make it intriguing. It makes me think of darkness within a person or staining something pure with darkness. If this is the concept that you’re going for, I can see how it relates to the story with the focus on Baekhyun’s descent to madness and juggling topics of ethics, morality, and mental illness.

When it comes to the full title, “Black in White (or The Story of No Hero)”, I think the title is awkward and doesn’t fit the genre that you’re writing in. With your examples like Dr. Strangelove, the longer time fits the black comedy genre that it’s in. However, for a serious psychological thriller, the longer title doesn’t vibe with it. Additionally, the second title “The Story of No Hero” doesn’t make sense grammatically, so I think that it was a good choice to use the working title as you main title.

Description and Foreword {6/10} 
For the Description, I think it sets up the story differently compared to how the story is written. In your Description, it is already stated that Baekhyun had become a contract killer [hinting that the story starts out with this new role], but in your story, Baekhyun is currently going through the process of becoming one [though there is still debate on the term “contract killer” which I discuss in Plot]. Because of this, your blurb gives too much away for the readers, especially since it foretells a future that is chapters ahead. It promises too much already and doesn't deliver at the start. Additionally, there isn’t any excitement or intrigue because readers already know what will happen. Perhaps if you didn’t mention Baekhyun as a contract killer or only hint at this dark path, it would frame the story better.

I also don’t think that the Description wholly captures the journey of Baekhyun’s story. Baekhyun didn’t choose to become a “contract killer”. He was into a horrible situation that spiraled into his fear making him create a deal with the devil, essentially. The vibe that your story gives is that Baekhyun chose to be a contract killer, and he was fine at first before he started going mad. That is not how the story played out, so the Description didn’t match what happened. I think the Description should be edited in a way that it accurately shows the readers what the story is really about without giving too much away.

I do like the phrase “descending the spiral staircase into the mouth of madness”. It’s such a vivid image that sets the tone of the story. I also like the GIFs in your forward. It’s very aesthetic and gives an idea of the setting your story will be in.

Plot {22/30}
Overall, the concept of the story is okay. I have definitely seen a lot of contract killer [although as I’ll be explaining below, this story is weird when it comes to “contract killers”] stories and movies, and there have definitely been stories about a person going insane (you have your Diary of a Madman, Netflix’s You, and even The Tell-Tale Heart). At least you have put the two together to create a new twist with a lot of stakes and a view on mental health.

I’m not quite sure what the direction of the story is, and there were many unrealistic scenes or scenes that didn’t make sense. As for your questions regarding the romanticizing of dark concepts such as killing and mental health issues, I wouldn’t say that they’re romanticized, but you are in trouble of glamorizing living the life of crime. Finally, there did come a time where I was worried about the portrayal of mental health in the story, and you already know this because of my PMs, but I’ll try to explore it more here.

1. Contract killer

The portrayal of the concept of “contract killer” is weird in this story. A contract killer/hitman / assassin would be an external party who is hired and paid to kill a person or a group. It’s in the name itself. You form a contract with someone who kills. Usually the payment is money. Once the contract is done, the person moves onto the next contract or job offer. What Baekhyun is in the story is not a contract killer since he is neither an external party (he is part of the gang) nor is he paid [in any sense since the gang doesn’t even protect him properly to consider protection as a mode of payment] to seek out a target and kill them. In the current chapters of the story, he is taken to a basement where his targets are already tied and gagged. He just puts on a show for Vincent in killing the people. There is no aspect of hunting out a hit, secrecy, taking out a target, and covering up a murder which you usually get with contract killers. More than a contract killer, he’s more like someone who just takes out the trash or is the “muscle” in a gang. Reading “contract killer” in the Description gave me an expectation which wasn’t met in the story. [This could be because the story starts out at the very beginning of Baekhyun’s journey, but with the path is portrayed now, it’s unclear how he becomes this “contract killer”.]

2. Direction of the story

I’m not sure where the story is heading or what the journey really is. Because the direction of the story is unclear, the main conflict is also unclear. At first, because of the Description, I thought that the main conflict would be that Baekhyun, as a contract killer, kills someone or does something that triggers the descent into madness and makes him question his ethics. The journey would be him trying to remain “sane” and “ethical”. Obviously, that’s not what happens in the story.

Your story starts out with Baekhyun getting kidnapped, but he saved a gang leader, and he asks to be part of a gang due to fear of being kidnapped again. Because of this, I thought that the obstacle would be the Geu Lim Ja hunting him down, but the threat/conflict goes away when we reach Fissure. There is nothing at stake anymore, and Baekhyun’s simply reacting to what is thrown at him rather than him moving the story forward. It focuses more now on Baekhyun’s symptoms of PTSD worsening as he is forced to kill more people. At this point, I am left at a blank on how the story will progress aside from Baekhyun’s PTSD worsening.

There are no stakes for Baekhyun and no security for Vincent? Right after Vincent accepts Baekhyun, he gives him a new house but states that Baekhyun doesn’t need to pay for it. This struck me as odd and brought up a lot of questions. Now that Vincent “trusts” him, what are the stakes for Baekhyun? Why can’t he just not run away? As for Vincent, he should have some security or control over Baekhyun. Without this control, how can he make sure that Baekhyun follows? Does Vincent trust him already that fast without Baekhyun showing loyalty to him? How can he make sure that Baekhyun doesn’t tell on him? There are many ways to control a person or have something at stake. Vincent can impose fear, have Baekhyun pay a fine or pay for a debt, hold something that Baekhyun treasures in hostage, carry information that Baekhyun needs, etc. Have your character hold something above Baekhyun so there is tension and something at stake that can keep your story moving forward and keep readers interested in the story and Baekhyun’s ending.

Of course, it is a conflict that Baekhyun is into the world of gangs and killing, but it’s not a main conflict. Your story has to ask a question (the main conflict), which will be answered by the end of the story. It’s a question regarding a story goal. For example, most romances just ask “Will they end up together?” [the goal here is developing a romantic relationship]. Some contract killer stories ask “Will he/she evade the police?” [goal will be evading the police] or “Will he/she get revenge over X?” [goal will be getting justice over a wrong deed]. I’m not quite sure what question your story is asking, and I think that’s why it’s also not clear to me what direction your story is going. What is the question that your story will answer? What is the obstacle that Baekhyun has to face? What is the story goal? What does Baekhyun want to attain by the end of the story? Is his journey about becoming a contract killer? Is it about his fight to take out the Geu Lim Ja?

This question should be the foundation of your plot so that the direction of the story is clear. Readers will know what journey Baekhyun has to take to reach the goal.

[I think one thing that can help in clarifying the direction of the story is clarifying Baekhyun’s goal. I’ll explain this more in Characterization.]

3. Realism

There were instances in your writing that didn’t make sense or weren’t realistic. While I do understand that this is a work of fiction, since I’ve learned that you wanted to make the story as realistic as possible, I really have to emphasize these instances. The root of the problem might be largely on the writing style since most of the examples that I have gathered point to that direction. However, there are still some scenes that are more like plot holes.

One such example is in Shadow I when Baekhyun was commanded to get up by one of the kidnappers and he responded.

"No," I say with a defiance that I forgot I had tucked in me.

How? In a previous scene, Baekhyun was gagged and the gagged was TAPED to his mouth. There was nothing in the story of how his gag got taken off or how he took it off. And if it was taken off, it would hurt him badly because of the tape practically ripping his skin. So how was he able to suddenly speak?

Next, there was the scene in Shadow II Baekhyun buys "a gun along with a few dozen bullets". Assuming that this is in Korea (evidenced by the news reporting a kidnapping in Gwanak-gu), guns aren't easy to obtain and you can't just "buy" them. There are strict gun laws in Korea, and Baekhyun would need a permit from a police office or a license to own and carry a gun. Obtaining this permit is also not as easy. They will run background checks, and according to their laws, a person with mental health issues, which Baekhyun's past and current set-up with a therapist might show, will raise some flags (especially since there is a stigma surrounding mental illness in Korea). Furthermore, gun owners need to go through gun safety classes and have a valid reason for possessing a firearm in order to receive a permit. This isn't an easy task to do legally [and sure, illegally as well because it would be hard to just chance upon a weapons dealer in Korea when their laws are so strict when it comes to civilians carrying guns], so this shouldn't be taken lightly as Baekhyun just buying a gun so effortlessly in one scene. Owning a gun without a permit results to immediate jail time that can last years. Handguns, in Korea, are nonexistent among civilians. I think it would have been more realistic if he did go to actual training with guns, steal guns from his father’s stash (or approach a gun dealer who his father knew), or even simply bought another attack weapon like a metal bat (which wouldn't seem suspicious since baseball is played in Korea). [Here’s a page b with laws and facts about gun control in Korea: click.]

Look, I would understand the bad guys having guns. I can suspend disbelief there because they deal with illegal things, so it would be natural to assume that they acquire guns illegally. Baekhyun, as a private civilian will not be able to simply buy a gun without raising any flags with the Korean government.

Another unrealistic scene is in Shadow I where Baekhyun fired two guns at close range. He’s fine after doing the shooting. Nothing’s messed up. The sound of a gunshot at such close range without protective gear can mess up someone's hearing. Not only that, but there is recoil or kickback that has to be considered, especially since, at one point, he was on the ground and panicking. For someone who is not prepared for a kickback, it hurts. For Baekhyun to simply get up and not experience any consequences after firing a gun is too good to believe.

Adding to the list, the first meeting with Dr. Gong is also unrealistic. Baekhyun is able to have a consultation without an appointment or filling out paperwork that is required for their records. No payment as well? How? Dr. Gong isn’t in a public hospital where consultations can be free, and seeing as she has a secretary and her own office, it is safe to say that she is practicing as a private psychologist. Therefore, it is not logical that Baekhyun can just storm in without a consultation, forego filling out paperwork for their records, and leave without paying for his consultation. There were also no other tests given. Even if Dr. Choi had called ahead to inform Dr. Gong about Baekhyun’s visit, he would still need to go through the required paperwork. You can’t sit down with a psychiatrist without them knowing about your basic stats and background. It’s like working absolutely blind. Though I understand that it’s simply to move the story at a better pace, even a short sentence showing Baekhyun filling up paperwork would at least make the scene feel a tiny bit closer to reality.

Lastly, there was also a scene in Shadow I wherein Vincent just randomly spills the information of their gang to a civilian who is in a vulnerable state:

Stony-Face scoffs. "Sounds like the Geum Lim Ja. You know them?" I shake my head at the mention of the name. "They're a crime organization slash family," he explains, uncrossing his arms to take off his bloodied jacket. "They're into human trafficking, organ harvesting, and ion. Sound more familiar?"

Why the hell would he just divulge information like that to a civilian? Either this character is extremely arrogant in thinking that Baekhyun wouldn't tell anyone or extremely stupid.

And then a few moments afterwards, he also tells Baekhyun (1) his name and (2) what he does. That is not a smart thing to do nor is it realistic. Crime lords don't just tell people they meet what they do unless they're going to kill them or use them through blackmail and fear. That's why a lot of them have code names or aliases. This is reminiscent of those cartoon villains who do the whole evil villain speech which unloads his background and such. Then he even asks "Sound more familiar?" which again, wouldn't make sense. Why would civilians know about human traffickers and organ donors? This is not public information, and as such, it wouldn't make sense to ask a person with no criminal background if they sound familiar after sharing their dirty deeds.

4. Life of crime

Like I’ve stated at the start of this section, I do not see romanticization of things like killing or mental illness [yet]. Obviously, you’ve described the act of killing as gruesome as you possibly can, and more [more on this concern in Writing Style]. What I do find that is a bit glamorized is the life of crime. This is particularly with how Vincent is described and how his lifestyle is portrayed in the story [which I also discuss in Characterization].

Their wealth is clearly flaunted. Vincent wears these tailored suits, has an expensive watch, practically flawless, gives out houses in wealthy neighborhoods, and drives good cars. It all sounds like a pretty glamorous lifestyle if not for the fact that he kills people, sells organs, and deals in illegal stuff. Baekhyun’s not even in the top rank of the gang (nor does he contribute a lot to the gang) and he already has his own communications/liaison guy and a personal assistant. Baekhyun doesn’t even get to see this other side of the life of crime apart from the killings.

However, I can’t deny that there is something slightly admirable about Vincent. He’s younger than me, yet he has this empire around him. Even if his empire is murder and other illegalities, he hasn’t been caught. That speaks volumes. If he can attain this, then maybe I can too. Where he gets the courage to do these things and look cool--I want that. (Shadow IV)

This is kind of romanticizing the life of crime especially after Baekhyun had displayed that he has morals at the start of the chapter. While I understand being envious of a person’s power, it would have been better if this was more gradual rather than already happening at this stage where he had just met the guy twice in his life and knew about all of the horrible things he did, can do, and will do, but [even in the very first meeting] it’s all admiration [and pushing aside the crimes committed].

5. Concerns on portrayal of mental health issues

I do admit that I read your story with a literal lens, especially when it came to your portrayal of mental health. Because of this, I was under the impression that Baekhyun has a smidge of schizophrenia on top of the PTSD because of the hallucinations and the presence of OB [who I thought was another hallucination brought back by constant stressors]. Baekhyun actually exhibits some symptoms of schizophrenia [in regards to delusions and hallucinations], but I was a bit worried about it because the way it was portrayed was a bit more on the Hollywood-ish side where only specific symptoms are highlighted [and others are disregarded] and used to further develop the stigma against the illness via unnecessary sadism (or conversely apathy) and exaggeration.b It would have perpetuated the idea that those with schizophrenia or even PTSD can hurt people because they’re “dangerous”.

I’ve already talked to you about this via PMs, so at least now I know a bit more about the story and what your intent is with the portrayal. You’ve mentioned Fight Club in our conversation and how it was an inspiration to the concept of OB. Though I understand that OB is more of a metaphor for his dissociation symptoms [thank you for the link regarding this, by the way! I learned something new], the way that OB behaves and is introduced doesn’t align with this intention in the current chapters.

OB acts more like a hallucination rather than a dissociation, especially with how he interacts with Baekhyun. Dissociation is a sort of detachment or disconnection from a person’s surroundings, thoughts, memory, or self-identity. This is different from hallucination or psychosis where there is a loss of reality. As a form of coping mechanism, dissociation would be separating from reality to minimize stress. In the scenes where OB appears, Baekhyun appears more stressed, not because of his surroundings, but more because of the appearance of OB. OB also shows more threatening actions rather than calming actions or instances where he can take over Baekhyun so Baekhyun experiences less stress in the scenes where Baekhyun talked to Dr. Gong and when he was asked to kill a group of people for the second [I think it was the second?] time.

I think that the scene that did show a better portrayal of the dissociation is when Baekyun talked to Dahye and his attitude changed. I think it was hinted that OB was the one who did that at the part after Baekhyun met with Dahye and he saw his reflection move. Attributing that to OB taking over for Baekhyun would have been fine. It’s actually a really good way to show dissociation and another identity taking over. However, since OB wasn’t introduced at this time, and this change was never mentioned again in conversation, the confrontation with Dahye seems more like a random moment of insanity and sadism.

I do wish that this was explored more, especially in a realistic sense, so that readers can understand that OB is more than a hallucination. Perhaps you can also show more accurate symptoms of dissociation. I understand the metaphor, but it’s mostly because I talked to you. If I didn’t talk to you, I wouldn’t be able to pick up the subtleties [and I say subtleties because they’re really subtle, dude] in the dynamics of OB and Baekhyun’s interactions. I always say that authors have to give readers more credit because they’re smart in picking up details, but when it comes to this story, I do think that it would be more helpful if the concept of OB as a dissociation is explored or explained more. This will make it clear to your readers what Baekhyun is actually experiencing, and it won’t add to any stigmas regarding mental health.

Character Development {9/15}
For Characterization, Baekhyun is a confusing character. He changes a lot, usually without transition or reason. There are also some points where he conflicted with his past actions. As for minor characters, Vincent is romanticized and presents a romanticized life. Dahye presentes ethical conflicts. Kyungsoo and Jongdae might just be placed in the story for convenience, and Seulgi is...something else.

1. Baekhyun

Let’s start with Baekhyun. Baekhyun is a confusing character, more so in the latter chapters. There were times where actions and dialogue conflicted with the personality that he portrayed in earlier scenes. In the earlier chapters, he was polite, a coward, nice, and a private person. At certain scenes [the one coming to mind right now is with Dahye], he becomes the very opposite. It’s not even a gradual change, but a sudden shift that throws everything off-balance. He doesn’t even think about why he changes the way he does; it just happens. In the meetup scene with Dahye, he suddenly turns cocky and sadistic. This never happened in the previous scenes. Though I understand that he did not like Dahye, the sudden change was jarring and felt out of character. He didn’t really dwell on why he suddenly became that way around Dahye, which I think would have added more to his character and explored the psychological aspect of his anger towards Dahye and how he reacted to that kind of stressor. It can be seen in narration in some chapters that he is self-aware, so why doesn’t he question his sudden public hostility?

There are other parts where I felt that more introspection or an exploration of ideas would help in developing Baekhyun’s character and showing the logic behind what happened. In Shadow I, there was a scene where Baekhyun saw his father take the place of a man who was trying to kill him, and he was able to kill that man or the image of his father. Why did Baekhyun act like his father's death meant nothing to him? There was no feelings surrounding it aside from triumph and then disgust because of the blood? This is his father and his abuser. I would think that there would be a lot more feelings than that. He also kills a second person without batting an eye? This kind of disconnect would be from someone who has been through this type of situation a lot and trained to disassociate/compartmentalize, not a civilian or someone who was just kidnapped.

Baekhyun’s change in Fissure I is so quick, especially when she starts messing with Dahye. In the previous chapters, he portrays himself as this good guy, and he is a good guy with morals, but then suddenly he changes without any inkling as to why or a transition to it. He’s suddenly acting twisted and sadistic in front of Dahye without any thought about why he’s suddenly like that. He just killed a bunch of guys one time and now he’s suddenly a huge sadist?

There were also times where his beliefs clashed with what he was saying or thinking. In one chapter, Baekhyun thinks that mental health professionals are bad and are manipulative, but then he also says stuff like “That doesn’t sound mentally healthy” (Fissure) and goes to therapy voluntarily. He doesn’t believe in a diagnosis but goes to such lengths to get a second opinion from another psychiatrist. It’s like his mind seesaws into whatever mindset he wants or the story wants him to have to make him seem ~interesting~ and ~edgy~.

“I don’t agree with that,” I announce. “I mean, sure, I get it. Don’t scream when you’re being tortured because that gives your tormentors the satisfaction, but keeping everything inside? That’s not at all healthy--”

Baekhyun is apparently a giant hypocrite. He says stuff like this, but he still brushes off mental health professionals and lies to his therapist by keeping everything in. Because of this, it’s hard to understand where he really stands on this.

The personality changes can happen within a chapter. It’s weird and doesn’t feel organic. At the start of Fissure, he’s the normal polite, a bit weak and cowardice Baekhyun. But then when he’s talking t