Genre(s): Drama and romance

Status: On-going [Thirteen chapters]

Ratings: Rated M, /Yuri, , and triggering content

Graded or Nongraded: Nongraded

Focus: Characterization and Writing Style



Title 
The title “Strays” has a clear relation to the story. It focuses on the group that Mina meets in Seoul Institute that is part of the Astral Ranks. At first, I thought that it would connect to the idea of being lost or wandering and trying to find their place, but the story, and the group especially, is anything but that, so it’s hard to see how the title would give meaning to the story.

It’s definitely short and straight to the point, but it’s not really catchy. Strays has an action vibe that doesn’t fit with the romcom vibe of the story.

Description and Foreword
The Description unpacks a lot of the background already. It’s bordering on telling too much of the story. I think some parts can be trimmed down because they’re just added details [like the repetition of how Mina has to serve, especially since it wasn’t really shown as much in the story] and you can add more mystery to the story so that readers will want to read your story to find out.

Additionally, your Description places emphasis on the roles or ranks in the universe and how they are viewed in society, but this wasn’t shown in your story [more of this in Plot]. There is also a lot of angst embedded in the summary and the tone itself presents a lot of angst that isn’t shown in your chapters. Since the Description and the story are disconnected, your readers might have a different expectation from your Description only to be let down by the different story. I think the Description could use a different tone, probably one that is lighter so it matches the vibe of your story [or the opposite wherein your writing style takes on a more mature tone to match with your Description], and it could also be trimmed down a bit so that the content matches the focus of your story.

I’ve also found some grammatical errors and writing style concerns. Take a look at this excerpt:

Like every single Omegas in her family line to their mated Alphas.

The word “single” means one, but the word “Omegas” is plural. You have to make sure that they are in the same form. Same with “Alphas”. Here is a revised version:

Like every single Omega in her family to their mated Alpha.

Another concern that I’ve noticed is the style of how these lines were spaced:

And so will she when her family arranges her marriage with the only person she'd ever confide to, the only person she'd trust with her whole being, the only person she'd never have the heart to mate with.

The person who can only see Mina as her dearest little sister.

The spacing of the last line is weird. Separating one line as a stand-alone hints at a big reveal or some kind of twist. The paragraph and single line would give a great impact, but since the sentence is so long, it drags the momentum. Since the previous lines in the paragraph are long, a shorter one liner, instead of “The person who can only see Mina as her dearest little sister”, would provide better impact and better rhythm to your sentences.

Finally, some lines were a bit cliche. Here are some examples:

The very same fate also guides her to the girl with eyes as deep as the ocean, hair as black as the starless sky, smile as blinding as the sun, scent as mysterious and intoxicating–just like winter.

And maybe–maybe–fate had given her a chance to understand the meaning of love.

The first line gives too much away as well, and the descriptions are cliche. They’re overused and sound cheesy. The last line is also a bit cliche, seeing as the story will obviously go in favor of Mina and Momo becoming a couple. There is no thrill, tension, or mystery to be solved. Perhaps you can simplify the first line. The part regarding the scent is already intriguing enough without the overused descriptions of the eyes, hair, and smile, so perhaps you can focus on that.

Plot
Overall, for Plot, I’m not quite sure what the direction of the plot is or what the plot really is. We only have the inciting incident: Mina and Jeongyeon’s transfer to Seoul Institute and meet the Strays. However, two people arranged to be married [which wasn’t mentioned in the story again after the first two chapters, by the way] being placed in a school together and meeting people isn’t a story. It’s a concept. You need to have a story, plot points that happen after their transfer that have importance on the overarching arc of the story. As of now, the chapters are just filled with random random events that don’t have a general direction through the story. What even is the of this story? How do their little adventures get them to the end? What is the development in the story? What changes? You can think of the plot as a transformation of sorts. At the end, something has to change, and the stuff in between all should have some purpose in creating this change.

Another concern that I’ve found is that the summary and the Description of the story shows that it would focus around Mina, Jeongyeon, and Momo, but the story doesn’t focus on it at all and just...went in random directions, honestly. I thought that the focus would be on Mina and Jeongyeon trying to escape this arranged marriage, but the story doesn’t even mention the arranged marriage by the third chapter. Also, the story gets overtaken by the many different stories of the Strays. It feels like the series is trying way too hard to fit all of these stories and relationships in one package that the plot is lost in a sea of couples, , and fluff. Fitting all of those different stories and developments into one made it impossible to fully develop Mina, Jeongyeon, and Momo’s story.

The focus of the story also changes by the start of the friends going to Seoul Institution. It gets harder to tell who the main character of the story is because everyone’s story is highlighted except Mina’s. Though with the third person POV, it is possible to bring more than one storyline to light, you must not forget that everything must come into balance and subplots should not overpower the main story. [One solution is presented in Writing Style]

As for world-building, I wish there was an explanation for the different tiers that could be seen in the worldbuilding. They were mentioned in the story: Purebred, normal, pseudo, low, Delta, Zeta, etc. What is the difference between them in the world that they live in? Apart from their difference in intensity and frequency of their heats and their scents, what else is different? This is more internal, and it doesn’t apply to their society. Perhaps if there was some kind of social status, rules, or cultural difference, their ranks would be more memorable or the difference between them is more pronounced in the society that they live in. Since they termed “ranks”, I would assume that there would some kind of difference in how they are treated in the institution, special privileges, titles, or something of that grain. For instance, how is a Delta treated differently in society? What are certain privileges that Zetas get to have over everyone else? What are certain rules that lower ranks have to obey? What is a governing body in society that enforces these rules or ranks? Answering these questions would help with the worldbuilding of this AU. We will be able to see how this alternate universe in your story is structured differently compared to real life. Right now, it’s like they all live in a vortex that is outside of the world that they’re in and the different ranks are just for show or just to kickstart the . You need to show how important these ranks are in their lives and in the society that they live in.

Next, at the start of the story, I can’t help but wonder what is the logic behind putting Mina and Jeongyeon in a college for them to become closer? How does putting them in an institution help with developing their relationship? I wish we had a scene where the parents explain the rationale behind all of this. By giving an explanation, your inciting incident would have actual purpose and logic for the story to start. This would also showcase how both Mina and Jeongyeon’s parents are adamant at keeping them together, especially since this circumstance is the one that jumpstarts the story. It won’t just be that they were randomly placed in a school so the story has a school setting.

Some chapters have no clear purpose or weight to the plot of the story. They don’t progress the story forward. I don’t even know where exactly the rising action is or where things start to pick up. I don’t know the journey that they will take. Most of them feel like filler chapters because they have their own bubble that doesn’t influence the story or progress Mina, Jeongyeon, and Momo’s narrative [as the main characters]. Most of them don’t even affect them in any way. For example, there was a Chapter wherein Nayeon came to the college to visit Mina and Jeongyeon. Although there was a reveal that Jeongyeon and Nayeon are in a relationship, the chapter didn’t provide conflict or tension that moved the story forward. There was no added mystery or a goal. To create an interesting and purposeful chapter, ask yourself these questions:

     1. What need to happen in this scene?
     2. How can I give this chapter some tension?
     3. What tiny changes can be shown in this chapter for the story or the             characters?
     4. What is/are the conflict(s) in this scene?
     5. How can I make it harder for my character to achieve their goal?
     6. How does this chapter help in changing my character?

You must remember that every scene should be important to either the story or the characters. This is not in a way saying that every scene must be so plot-heavy or action-heavy. Especially for a romcom, scenes where characters just have fun or have a break have importance in building character, so they’re still important in a way. What I mean is that every scene should remind your readers why the story is worth reading and why they should continue to read. Give them some kind of plot revelation or anticipation for something to happen. Give them tension. If your story lacks some kind of tension, it’ll be easy for your readers to move on and read something else.

On a positive note, I did like that it tackled the topic of ual harassment, particularly in Chapter 7, when Seungwan explains the difference between flirting and harassing someone. That could be a major theme that ties together the story and the backgrounds (like Sana’s for example) together. It could also be an indication of a change that they could instill in the society where the rankings that people are born into give some a pass at dominating others. Maybe the girls work towards righting some wrongs that the positions that they’re born into have instilled in them. That would jumpstart an actual plot for change, even if it is just in the institution or how pairings work in the society they live in (particularly, with the arranged marriage). Don’t just throw in this random theme or topic without integrating well into the plot or the characters. Don’t be afraid to tackle it in your story and give your story some depth. [Hopefully, this makes sense.]

Also, I think every couple has an interesting story [except for Mina and Momo, honestly], and it would have been better if they were given their own stories to be able to fully develop on their own instead of being mixed with several other stories. For example, Dahyun and Chaeyoung’s route is very interesting with respect to their messed up relationship and has enough tension and conflict to become a standalone instead of being mixed into Mina’s story. They’re minor characters though, so you really didn’t have to go so in-depth into their relationship as you did with the minor characters.

Characterization
For Characterization, I agree with your message in your submission form. The main characters are not developed or portrayed realistically, they’re pushed to the side, and their relationships are poorly developed. In this section, I’ve mostly focused on the main characters [or who should be the main characters] (Mina, Jeongyeon, and Momo) since they’re the ones that should be the stars of the story. Let’s break it down.

Starting with Mina, I wouldn’t say that she’s a Mary Sue most probably because I don’t even see much of her in the story. And when she does make an appearance in the story, her scenes are way too short or she doesn’t show much of a personality. Her personality is quite weak in the sense that her actions and dialogue don’t really show much of her attitude. I can’t tell her apart from the other characters such as Jeongyeon and Sana. They’re all just generally nice. There needs to be more variety and different aspects to their characters.

I’ve read before that to be able to make a realistic, well-developed character, your character [especially your main character] has to have these elements: goals, a distinct voice/character, weaknesses, and character arc.

Let’s start with goals. Your main characters should have goals that they want to achieve and/or are in the process of achieving. This pushes your story forward and can be space to create tension and conflict. Everyone has something that they want in life or a goal that they want to achieve. Be it a dream, a short-term goal, or a small daily goal, give your character a goal and have them work towards it. What are Mina, Jeongyeon, and Momo’s goals? What are they working towards? Perhaps Mina’s goal is to find a solution to the arranged marriage? If so, make her work hard towards it. Along the way, maybe some conflicts pop up with her parents, society, the school, her relationships with some of the characters. Boom! Tension and intrigue that can keep your readers hooked.

Next, your characters need a distinct voice/characterization. You can show me any dialogue in your story and I wouldn’t be able to tell who said what. People have distinct ways of how they talk. Some people use a lot of slang or internet lingo, some are sarcastic, some pronounce things differently or use formalities too much, some use made up words in their sentences or inside jokes, etc. You can hear it in the conversations around you. Your characters should have their own distinct voice, especially your main characters. You could also make your characters more distinct by giving them their own unique quirks, hobbies, and nervous ticks.

Now, your characters have to be well-rounded, and to do that, one aspect that you have to think of is their weaknesses. These weaknesses will balance out your character’s good traits and make them human. Most of your characters do not show any negative traits or weaknesses, most especially Mina. What are her other characteristics aside from “nice”? What are her weaknesses? What is she afraid of? What are some of her insecurities and inner conflicts?

What comes next is a character arc. You know your character’s weaknesses and their goals, so there should be a change that happens within a story. Maybe their goals changed or maybe they grow as a person. What is Mina’s character arc? How does Momo change by the end of the story? How does Jeongyeon grow as a person? What will your main characters be at the end of the story?

Another point is that Mina is in danger of being in the backseat of this story. Everyone else’s story is shown at length in the 13 chapters, and her story is not moving forward at all. I’m waiting for her to actively do something in the story rather than just letting her and the story stay still. This is the same with Jeongyeon and Momo. From my understanding of the Description and your summary, those three are supposed to be the main characters of your story, but by Chapter 5 or 6, their paths are pushed to the side and readers are only given minor glimpses into their lives. If Mina is the