Genre(s): Angst,romance,and drama

Status: On-going [Eight chapters]

Graded or Nongraded: Nongraded

Focus: Characterization and Flow

Disclaimer: There are mentions of abuse and ual harassment. If these topics trigger you, I would suggest skipping over this review.


Title {5/5} 
“Drowning Us” has an angsty vibe to it, but the word “drowning” does provide some sort of air of turbulence since it is an aggressive word. I think, after reading the story, the title fits . The two main characters, throughout the story, are metaphorically drowning. Sehun is that force that is drowning Insook, and he is drowning in his pride and lies

The title is also pretty unique. Usually you’ll have “I’m Drowning” or “Drowning in Lies” for common titles. This uniqueness can help in making your story memorable for your readers. Good job!

Description and Foreword {5/10} 
The Description is definitely vague and does not wholly tie in with the plot of your story. If I didn’t have the description that you sent me via the request form, I wouldn’t know what that story would be about. Although, the story summary that you sent still doesn’t quiet align with how your story is playing out, especially in your recent chapters. You ended the summary with the implication that the story would center around their toxic relationship [it literally ended with “and soon their failing relationship becomes toxic”], but the story Description and the story itself centers around them falling in love despite the toxic relationship at the beginning. I know that you even stated in a note in the form that the Description might be off, so I think that you can definitely rework the Description so it markets your story better.

For example, your Description describes at length the past like “ironically, he drowned her when he left” and “she had so many fears until she met him”. It puts special emphasis on the past, but the story itself doesn’t do that. The story starts when Sehun came back and the two already had a past together, not about when she met him.

I can see that you were aiming to be very poetic and to pull on the heartstrings of the readers; however, the Description should have a harmony of the actual plot and the poetic elements so that the Description doesn’t seem contrived or trying too hard to be angsty. Also, this will clarify what the story is about to future readers. Perhaps you can already start your Description in the moment when Sehun returns to Korea for the engagement/wedding and then hint the past slightly in one or two lines [since it was not a major part of the story]. What is the story really about? Where do we start? What is the conflict that they will face in the story?

I do like the line “Life was about survival and those with fear would be the first to go”. That line felt more natural and carried a somber tone that fits with the angst genre that you were targeting.

Your Foreword is neat, and I like the trailer. Although, trailer doesn’t wholly tie into the story [or at least the direction of the story now].

Plot {16/30}
I think the main area that you might want to work on in your story is structure. The story doesn’t have a strong structure, so it reads a bit messy and all over the place. I feel like there’s (1) some missing groundwork or foundation at the start of your story, and in the latter chapters, (2) everything suddenly shifts and does not align with the beginning of the story.

(1)Firstly, I did notice that you try to sprinkle some of their past in the story, and this can be great groundwork for the present situation in the story. However, the story is still a little under-seasoned [if you catch my drift], and when you do add descriptions of their past, how it is shown is not effective. Without this foundation, their current attitudes or interactions will not make sense or be introduced properly to your readers.

The start was very confusing. They already knew each other and had a past of being friends before their relationship became sour by something that was never really mentioned in detail in the story. This missing detail could have added more meat to their relationship and the story. They never really talk about it or think about it in detail, so Sehun and Insook’s interactions at the start didn’t make much sense. Then, in Chapter 2, you simply unloaded their past in the narration in one paragraph and then never talk about it ever again. This is not an effective way to show the readers about their past, especially since Insook has a past that directly affects her psychological state and how he perceives her strained relationship with Sehun. Rather than simply telling them in the narration, you can show the readers their past through dialogue, their interactions, inner dialogue, or quick flashbacks.

Speaking of flashbacks, you did include a flashback in Chapter 5 regarding how young Sehun ate his pizza, but that did not add anything to the plot. I get that you used that to show an endearing side to Sehun, but seeing as it is one of the few glimpses into their past, I was hoping that it was going to provide more impact or push the story forward.

(2) Next, there was a sudden shift in plot, and many of the conflicts in the earlier chapters were either never resolved or given a hasty resolution. Basically, it was just all over the place. The first half of the ongoing series dealt with the toxic relationship and the angst behind being forced into an arranged marriage [Allhough, this was still a bit vague to me because it was never discussed what Insook could get from this or why she can’t just reject the offer. This feels like a plot hole to me because it was never really discussed in detail. Insook is just suddenly being forced to marry Sehun.]. Meanwhile the other half is already about working through their relationship and two becoming a couple and [by ignoring what happened in the first half of the series]. Even the perceivable main conflict was different. It felt like Chapter 1-4 and Chapters 5-8 were two different stories. The characters also had drastic changes in the latter half of your story, and there was no transition between the shift of the story.

Some plot points in the earlier plot that weren’t given proper resolutions or were not introduced properly were the pregnant mistress, Baekhyun and Sehun’s fight which made Baekhyun’s father withdraw this important chip, Sehun and Insook’s past [wherein he disappeared or she disappeared? It’s still unclear to me.], and Baekhyun being Sehun’s half-brother. [Also, whoops, the antagonist isn’t Sehun anymore, it’s suddenly Baekhyun!]

Because these points weren’t fully developed, it feels like they were just thrown into the story last minute from some half-baked drama. Whenever there’s a conflict in your story, a goal that you should try to reach is for the conflict to further the plot or to develop the characters in some way. Did Sehun or Insook develop from the sudden appearance and disappearance of the pregnant mistress?

For some plot points, like the reveal that Baekhyun is Sehun’s half-brother, perhaps if there was more foreshadowing in the previous chapters, the reveal wouldn’t feel so out of the blue and it would develop Baekhyun’s character more. Plus, it would keep the tension and anticipation in the story going because your readers would get thoughts like “That’s weird” or “What’s happening with Baekhyun?”

[I think, apart from these points not having a proper structure within the story, the pacing might have something to do with this. More of this in Flow.]

I think in order to accommodate all of these plot points, you plot should have more structure. Identify the main conflict throughout the story, the subplots that you want to include, and the proper pacing for these subplots. Don’t just dump them in to try and add drama. I know you said in the request form that you don’t really plan these stories out, but even just a skeletal outline [even the basic beginning-rising action--falling action-end] will help you in creating a well-structured and clear plotline.

Characterization {8/15}
Your characters are inconsistent in the story, and they suffered a drastic change in the latter part of the story without reason or rhyme. This inconsistency can make it hard for readers to connect with your characters and it makes your characters unrealistic.

With Sehun, he started as someone who is arrogant, bold, aggressive, and manipulative. In Chapter 3, he even threatened Insook with forcing her to conceive his children [sort of implied ]: “If you want to sleep in separate rooms tonight, hold my hand,” he fiercely whispered. “Or, would you like children, as mother said,” he musingly teased. He did not respect Insook or even thought of her as a person. With these in mind, his character is [excuse my French] a massive, flaming piece of a garbage-person. He had no redeeming qualities whatsoever or an explanation as to why he is the way he is. He never even apologized or expressed remorse properly to the things that he had done. In the first four chapters, it seems like he was just made to be a flat villain of the story--just a cold boy who is so full of himself and gets what he wants through sheer force.

His desire for Insook, at the beginning, is almost obsessive in a way. Every other thought that he has was connected to Insook. Also, he stated, multiple times, that Insook is only a trophy and that he owned her. For example, in Chapter 4, he stated: And, maybe he’ll even invite Baekhyun over himself, you know to apologize and all. Maybe he’ll even show Baekhyun that his wife now had an owner. There is no love demonstrated here. He only wanted her for her reputation as the most sought-after woman in Korea. It’s hard trying to see him as a person, and it is unclear why he even likes Insook in the first place.

I want to know how he thinks, how he arrives to his decision on his actions, how he grew up to be this way, and how he perceives this whole arrangement. We never get an insight on who Sehun really is or how he thinks. There were mentions, like in Chapter 2, I think, of this past Sehun that Insookk liked, and I wish that there was more of that. I think that including some sort of flashback or some dialogue about who Sehun was before would make the impact of this stark change more pronounced for the readers and give us an insight on who he really is.

If he is the antagonist of the story, and the story is about how his past and his demons made him turn the relationship toxic, that’s okay. That would actually be something interesting to read: his descent into someone so villainous as a result of internal and external factors that he was never able to resolve or work on properly though the opportunity presents itself in the form of Insook..

However, we suddenly get Chapter 5. Chapter 5 showed an abrupt moodswing and change in character that was so jarring. In the previous chapters, he couldn’t care any less about Insook, called her a trophy multiple times, and mentioned that he only wanted her so that he could win over Baekhyun. Now in chapter 5, he’s suddenly growing soft. No transitions whatsoever. No epiphany or a journey into realizing that what how he was acting was wrong. He didn’t grow, plot-wise and time-wise, in a realistic sense. He apologized [for one instance. Not, you know, everything else he did at the start], started being sweet on her, and had something to confess [which I imagine, because of the genre of romance, would be love-related]. It’s not clear if he’s supposed to be the villain or the love interest because of this inconsistency.

I do have to point out though that the writing for his inner monologue became clearer and smoother in Chapter 6. It wasn’t just simply telling the readers what he was feeling and what he’s going to do, but we get to understand his thoughts and see a little internal battle happening in him. That was the only good thing that I saw in regards to Sehun’s character throughout reading the story.

Next, for Insook, I do not understand her character. Her character is confusing. I wish we had more insight into her perception of what was happening because there weren’t a lot of moments of introspection for her. It’s usually kind of “woe is me” kind of moments. I don’t understand why she feels unhappy with the thought of Baekhyun liking her or entering into a relationship with Baekhyun [Chapter 3 wherein she called Baekhyun’s love confession ridiculous]. She doesn’t do much [Chapter 3 wherein she’s told to take Sehun upstairs, but she just stares dumbfounded and had to be dragged up the stairs by Sehun]. Sehun assaulted her in Chapter 2, but she’s still fine with being in the same room with him or even thinking about loving him so much that it hurts her. She pines for him even though he’s horrible to her [which is a horrible message to send to readers, especially young ones]. Half of the series, she’s scared of him, but she also loves him in the latter part? What?

She clearly stated in the earlier chapters that she’s scared of him and that she hated him, but then she swoons with just one look...because he’s hot?

Most of what she does in the story is get dragged around by Sehun and crying or hurting over the love lost between her and Sehun. She doesn’t have much substance to her character aside from being quiet, very moody, and wishy-washy. I wish there was more to her as a character, especially since the story made it a point to mention a few times that she’s the most sought-after woman in Korea.

Why is she the most sought-after woman in Korea? This wasn’t justified ever. Does she own the biggest company? Does she have royal blood or a title? Does she have the biggest net worth? Is she successful in her career or able to motivate others into becoming successful? Or is it just because she’s pretty? [And I honestly hope it’s not the last one because it isn’t really realistic for her to become the most sought-after just for looks.]

Also, I think her trauma of having an abusive father isn’t portrayed realistically in the story. You only mention her always being tense around “his ticking time bomb” (Chapter 2 and Chapter 5), but trauma is much more than just being scared of someone becoming angry. There’s the anxiety, the paranoia, the denial and rationalizing, the extensive measures one takes for survival that becomes habits, the little ticks one makes to calm themselves down, the highs in times of