After around 3 weeks

Knock!! Knock!! Knock!!

“May I come in, Jun- hyung?” I asked as I knocked Jun hyung’s room.

No answer. But, I slowly made myself in to his room. Not that I expected any answer any how, but I just likes…I don’t know, probably I still wanted to feel likes he was still there, smiling at me…Or may be perhaps, I strongly felt his presence although he was no longer in this world.  I brought together with me a diary which belong to my best favourite sunbae of all time, and my best friend forever- Kim Junmyeon.  

I switched on the light. His room was neat and tidy, but a little bit, just a little bit dusty. Otherwise, nothing much change in term of decoration and arrangement.

“May I sit here, Jun- hyung?” I asked for permission again, as my hands gently pulled out the chair from his study table.

My eyes trailed over his collection of pictures, some were pinned to the soft board, some were put in picture frame, neatly placed on the study table. Among them, two pictures that had caught my attention the most- the picture of him, Luhan hyung and me together.  The first picture was during our childhood, and the second picture was us, that had been taken around two years ago- tried to re-incarnate the first picture. Jun-hyung looked all cute with his trademark ‘peace’ signature. Both having him being sandwiched by the two us- Luhan hyung and me.  I smiled to myself as I touched the image of Jun-hyung. “I miss you…a lot..Jun-hyung, “ I muttered under my breath. I knew, he knew..but still, I wanted to tell, how much I miss him.

I slowly opened the diary that he had entrusted to me, just one day prior to Luhan hyung birthday. Together with that diary, he also handed to me a letter, to be passed to his husband later on.

“I know, I can entrust this to you…” he said as he handed the diary to me.  That words, and that voices, still I can remember vividly. I knew, this diary was precious to him.

Only now I have strength and courage to open and read the pieces of his memory. I slowly flipped through, page by page. Some made me cry, some made me smile. But, my eyes stuck at particular page, at particular date.

27th September 20**

Dear Diary,

My vision become foggy, I couldn’t see clearly

My limbs felt numb and floppy,

I couldn’t think right, I couldn’t think straight..

All I see is darkness, as if I was already at the end of the world,

Without light at the end of the tunnel.

“I’m apologized in advance Mr Kim.  You’ve been diagnosed to have lung cancer.  it already metastasize to your liver. It has been there for quite a while, but it insidious onset made us found this rather late….”the doctor said.

My heart felt likes had been teared into two upon hearing this…word upon word, as he frankly revealed, my prognosis is no good..

How could it even possible for happiness to last this short?

It was too hard for me to accept my own fate.

My lord,

Grant me a strength to look strong in front of my husband

To look bright likes a diamond.

 Lu-ge,

I love you to the heaven. But, I could not tell you this…because I know you’ll sad.  

And, I just want to see your smiley face till the end of my life. .

So, forgive me Lu-ge for not telling anything about this.

----

My mind traced back to the event which had happened around seven months ago.

Jun-hyung and me were at the living room, doing our group assignment together. Well, it was more toward paired assignment. I was glad to be paired with Jun-hyung.

For these several months, I’ve noticed several physical changes in Jun-hyung. He looked even thinner than he already was. Almost appeared likes living human skeleton, to be honest. And he looked even paler than his original skin colour. But, when ever I brought out my thought, he just said he kind of tired and over exhausted himself.

“I’m okay..You’re thinking too much baby, “ he quickly denied. He smile, but I notice, it appeared weak as he even barely do that.

He was lying on his stomach on the couch. I knew he love to do his works in that position, But after short while, he coughed several times, and curled on his stomach. He immediately popped up from the couch, and stomped toward toilet direction, with his hand cover up his mouth. He had another cough, and this times, he had to stop from running.

“Hyung..are you…”..I couldn’t even finished my word as my eyes felt likes widened open upon seeing some spot of blood stained his p