Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart. 

William C. Hannan

He was stealing a glance in his mirror, checking if the makeup needed a refresh. He didn’t like the fact that he, as a man, cared so much about his visuals. It started slowly with the first model jobs and now, he was already used to it. The business changed him more and more.

Well, it was called show business, so he needed to show himself in the best way possible.

And, he actually liked his visuals. He liked his eyes with the dark circles that made them look bigger and mischievous. They fit the image he wanted to have. He liked his dark hair. He liked his face. It didn't matter if his hair was short or longer, he was quite good looking. And even though many people said he was too slim, he liked it. All in all he felt good with himself. 

In the past he thought sometimes that he had some similarity with the young Mick Jagger. He also tried to move just a bit like him when he was at the Karaoke. He even had this in mind when he had the first performances with bands. 

He checked if the others noticed. It was hard to have private space being on a variety show where you spent two days and one night with five strange but loveable guys doing all sorts of funny things and playing games. Well, as in all other showes, they just had to do everything the production team suggested. In this show it was to get a meal or the winner got the privilege to sleep indoors instead of outside. In a tent. No matter what time of the year. Even in the snow.

He liked it. It was like a family trip and the guys were like real brothers. Today, it was so hot, he spontaneously thought about dying in the van pressed to the other guys. It was August and the worst heat had just started to wash over Korea. It was a bright summer day. Somehow, there never seemed to be the right weather for 2D1N, as the show was called in short. At this moment, he’d do everything for an ice cream. He would also jump into ice cold water with great pleassure. 

Next to him Teahyun looked at him intensely. He knew that mocking look. Tae-hyun had noticed the make-up check.

“Making yourself look pretty for the good looking guys you’re traveling with?”, Tea-hun asked with a grin.

“The only one really good looking here is me!", he anwered with a big anyoing grin and his head held high. Teahyun just smiled and shook his head. 

After a while and some thinking he added: "Do you think I've changed a lot? I get the feeling that I'm more and more superficial."

"What?", a surprised Teahyun answered. 

"Well, you know... I think I'm changing, I've never wanted to be a product but it feels like one and I'm just playing along with what everyone wants me to do... it's the job" 

“Maybe you’re just adapting? It is not a bad thing to get used to your environment. I think that’s a way to survive in this business. Making yourself fit in.”

Joonyoung frowned. “But I never wanted to fit in. Fitting in is not Rock. I want to be true to myself! Also it is not my image in this ‘industry’. I just want to stay normal and be a rebel, or something like that."

"What's gotten into you? You really seem different today.", Teahyun said with a worried face. 

"Maybe it's because I need to get over a bit of an heart ache. You know, it's over and all. We don't even write each other now. She suddenly stopped all contact." 

Tae-Hyun smiled and patted his shoulder with a nod. "It will be better soon. I guess a break up makes us quesation ourselfs. But taking a look at ouselfs from time to time might not be that bad. Let's talk more after the filming", he said. Then he made himself comfortable to sleep a bit more on the way to the next destination.

Joon Young looked at the guys. Everyone was asleep.

Well, he could also just fit in and take a nap as well.

 

>>>>  <<<<

 

His Manager looked nervous when he picked him up after the shooting.

Very nervous in fact. That made him uncomfortable. He was sure that behind the unsteady looks, the sweaty hands and that forced smile, bad news were waiting for him.

On their way home they stopped to get some iced drinks. It was only the both of them since the replacement stylist went with her own car.

When his Manager came back with two iced Americanos, he decided to ask because he couldn’t take that feeling of misgiving anymore.

“What is it? There is something you don’t tell me.”

“It’s not a good time”, he answered. “You need to be in good shape for tomorrow but this can’t wait.” His Manager nervously took a sip of his coffee.  

Joonyoung looked at him with round eyes. Waiting and feeling his stomach cramp a little. This wouldn’t be easy. This might be even worse than he had expected.

“Your girlfriend…, well ex-girlfriend…,  she sued you. She just called to let you know while you were shooting. I had your phone with me and took the call.”

 

There was this feeling he would always get, when something really bad and hurtful happened to him. This dark black hole in his stomach, that would leave him feeling like packed in wool. It would make him realize that something was out of order but he wouldn’t feel anything about it. There was also a buzz in his ears, all sounds seemed muffled but at the same time everything just worked normal.

"What?", he asked. 

His body was reacting and his brain was still working, even though something was missing. His eyes became even bigger. He could feel the eyeballs getting dry and cold. That must be a joke! She wouldn’t sue him. They argued a lot lately but they still liked, maybe even loved each other even after the breakup. And first of all, why? He didn’t do anything wrong.

He thought of all the arguments that had followed the breakup. She had threatened  to make the relationship public while they had a really bad one. She had said something about making it a scandal and he had answered with the fact that it wouldn’t be safe for her as well. Because if she would want to destroy him, he could do the same to her. But that was all just talk. Wasn’t it? They were all just angry words, werent they?

“She sued? Me? Why? I didn’t do anything wrong?”

“She wouldn’t really tell me. She said, she was waiting for your call”, his Manager answered. After a while he added: “You didn’t do anything? I mean just because you both ended it so sudden and broke up and now this. This could turn out really bad. You can’t tell anyone!”

He nodded still in shock, not being able to even blink.

“Joon Young, I had to call the company.” Joon Young nodded automatically.

“What is the worst case scenario?”, he asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t have experience with that either. It’s best to meet the others at the company. We should go there first, they already set everything up for an emergency meeting.”

 

>>>>  <<<<

 

They were driving to some review session or something. He didn’t even know where to. He wasn’t well. He wasn’t feeling too bad either. His schedule was just filled with so many things, he’d lost track. Without his Manager, he wasn’t able to exist or get anything going anymore. There were always times like this. Times in which he had to race from appointment to appointment and then there could be weeks in which he had nothing to do.

Meeting up with friends, drinking and enjoying life, remembering who he was. He missed that now. It’s been too long. Sometimes, he wished for a break even if it had to be for a bad reason. Him being sick or something. But he also felt that there was something waiting for him to slow down, lurking at him. He was afraid of that something. He’d been so busy, that he didn’t have time to think much about the break up and the following problems.

No time for the heartache and pain.

Maybe that was waiting for him and it would make him feel really bad.

He knew himself. The longer he ran from it, the worse it would get. He had to cope with it. Coping meaning accepting its existence.

It would mean to accept the pain visiting him when he was alone. That feeling would take a seat next to him, it would take a walk with him, ride on the skateboard with him, play games, watch movies or relax with him. Always in his body until some time went by.

When he was with friends, it would sometimes disappear or he wouldn’t notice it. So he had to meet people and have a good time to distract himself from time to time. He needed to laugh, go to the karaoke, dance and drink. Make himself remember that he was a person who was able to embrace that feeling.

After some time, he would get better on his own. The something would leave him alone more often and go back to its rightful place in his chest. It would never disappear. Well, it was acctually a normal feeling and he needed it. From an ache in his heart it would subside to longing in his chest.

But longing was okay and most of the times, it was also good. Mostly, he was able to control it and it was good when he was singing because it made his feelings come through together with his voice. It was that something, that made him like his own music. That something he also searched for when listening to other musicians performances. He knew that he wasn’t the only one with this feeling. Everyone might have it. Maybe some more intense, some less. He was a lucky person because he knew how to express it. He loved to express it in his music and he felt like exploding or imploding when he wasn’t able to express himself.

Coping was accepting its existence but he was trying to push it away. He knew that nothing good would come out of that. He needed it. Without it. he would be like a machine, functioning and not living.

But now, he was a tiny bit afraid of it. He had neglected it far too long. The beginning would be really grotty.

Before his schedule started to get that crazy, he had tried to resolve it.

He had also tried to resolve the break up before she sued him.

He even tried to send a message to her through one of his shows on tv while he had his speech at the women’s university. He remembered talking about it with Taehyun, because that sensible and empathetic guy had noticed his mood swings.

Taehyun always had some good advices. While talking to him, he got the idea to get a message to her packed in many regular words. He did hope for her to get it.

Before the breakup, there had been a connection and when he tried to tell her something in this kind of manner, she would get it. Even if it was really hard to get. It was like a code only the both of them understood.

Well, she didn’t seem to get his message that time.

The connection seemed to be broken now.

Taehyun got it though. When he watched the broadcast, he saw Taehyuns moved face while he was talking. But she didn’t call. She didn't send a message. She didn’t say anything and he was to proud to call her.

He knew that she didn’t get his message when they officially informed him with a certified mail of the lawsuit against him and at the second emergency meeting at his agency a short time afterwards, it became clear that he was in a great mess.

He was going crazy at that time. Still he had to hold his sceddule and perform and smile and such but on the inside, he was in a tumoil. 

If he would have known that it was all for nothing. An emergency meeting for nothing.

He did call her then, after the meeting. Pride had nothing to do with that anymore. He resolved the misunderstanding. It wasn't that big of a deal but it did hurt him a big deal. 

One of the things that hurt him was that they couldn’t resolve their issues like a normal couple. But then, the relationship wasn’t ever normal. A normal relationship wouldn’t have to be a secret. A normal breakup neither. Maybe he had been hurt because he started realizing that his life wasn’t normal anymore.

He felt like he started to lose his link to normality. He never wanted to lead a normal life and he knew very early in his life that he wouldn’t as well, but you always want, what you don’t get. And you are starting to realize what you had when you’re about to lose it.

Not being normal was being different. Being different, he always felt like that. Sometimes he felt better than others, special and meaningful. Sometimes he felt like an outcast. Nowadays, he felt like… he wasn’t sure anymore.

Maybe he felt like someone who was losing track, losing a relationship, trying to find himself but being stuck between two lifes he wanted to lead? Growing in experience but refusing to grow up?

He laughed at himself. So many of his lyrics were about this exact situation. It seemed like he didn’t learn from failure. But they come back to haunt you until you resolve them.

His Manager gave him a worried look through the rear mirrow.

He shook his head and said “It’s nothing. Just thinking…”

He got an encouraging smile and a nod in return.

“Let’s play some really loud music! I need to stop thinking and I need to find courage for the jungle. This time, I will be prepared. The last time, I had my head in the clouds and it wasn’t really exciting.”

 

>>>>  <<<<

 

“No, they say I can’t take it back and that you have to go there yourself. The police contacted you and told you to come, you really need to do that. I’m so sorry! What should I do? I never thought it would go that far and that I can’t take it back! All because of that misunderstanding. What should I do?”, she said and was nearly crying.

He was pissed but when he heard her braking voice, he couldn’t do anything.

Calmly he said: “I will take care of it. I will explain everything and they will put it down for sure. And I also have the agency to back me up. It was my fault as well. I shouldn’t have said that if you hurt my image, I’d have my ways to get back at you. I forgot about the video and it didn’t cross my mind that you would think I was referring to that thing. It was my fault as well. It was that damn argument.”

He heard her laugh in a rough tone. “You know, now that we are not in a relationship anymore, you suddenly seem so grown up and responsible. Suddenly, I feel like I can count on you.”

He returned that same laugh. “Maybe we didn’t understand each other as well as we thought. I was like that all the time. I just tried to forget this from time to time. That’s me trying to cope with reality. You should have noticed and I should have noticed that you needed me to show you some more. Maybe… Maybe I was an egoist. I only just took from you. Even all our conversations were about me. I didn’t return anything. When you asked me for your share, I ran away.”

“No Joon Young. You gave me so much. That’s why I wanted to build up this relationship. And it is good to end things this way. Without any more arguments. I’m sorry…. I’m really sorry.” He heard her smile through her voice when she said that.

“I call you when I’m out. If this is done, we need to go for a drink together. Thanks for trying to stop it”, he said before he hung up.

He smiled. Maybe this whole sh*t was actually having some good side effects.

 

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This chapter is now at it's end. I'm trying to continue with the 3rd one as soon as possible. I will also stop to write one chapter step by step because the people who subscribed might loose track. So you might have to wait a bit longer but you can read a full chapter at once. Thank you for reading, subscribing and commenting. :D You are the best! <3