There are much better things ahead then any we leave behind. 

Quote by C. S. Lewis

 

He heard muffled voices and whispering but his eye lids were too heavy for him to lift them up. His whole body felt heavy and tired and it ached. His stomach was cramping. What did happen to him? He heard a door open and the voices of at least two people. One was his manager. He couldn’t recognize the other.

“What exactly do I have to take care of?”

“After the diet with the foods, he needs to eat healthy. First, we need to get him to a point, were his stomach will work regular again. His body needs to be able, to digest all regular foods again. Through the infection, he's already in lack of some nutritional components, so we need to take care of that. He needs to eat healthy and you need to keep him away from stress. Health problems like inner infections and inflammations like a gastroenteritis are often signs of a weak immune system which is often caused by stress. Since the tests do not show any other signs, I think, this is the cause. Given the situations he is in, it seems quite plausible. He needs to stay away from it to get healthy. We’ll monitor the situation some more days here in the hospital. I suggest he should stay this week and rest more at home after that.”

That voice surely belonged to a doctor. Why? What did happen and why was he feeling so bad? He was.... He remembered now, ... he fainted in his apartment when Joon-ho stayed for dinner. In shock he opened his eyes to a mostly white room, some beeping monitor and the back of a head with black hair belonging to a person sitting next to his bed. There was a needle in his arm and he was sure now, he was in a hospital.

How embarrassing, he really must have fainted. He must have been out of it for quite some time. The person next to him was looking in the direction of the door where his manager was just bowing to the doctor, thanking him for his help and hard work.

Hurridly, he closed his eyes again, before anyone could notice he was awake. He was too tired to keep them open anyways and too embarrassed to face his manager and Joon-ho, who seemed to belong to the back of the head, given the clothes he was wearing.

His manager closed the door after the doctor left. He heard some footsteps and the creaking of a chair, then a sigh.

“So he was that stressed? He didn’t look good and I was worried but I would have never guessed that he was in such a bad condition.”

“If the inflammation would have gotten worse, it could have led to a renal insufficiency or even a renal failure and that would have been a lifelong health problem or could even be a cause of death. The doctor just explained that to me. He wanted to make sure, I understand the situation. I don’t know…. I really didn’t know”, his manager said with a faint tremble in his voice.

He heard Joon-ho move in the chair next to him.

“I was so shocked. He didn’t seem to be that stressed to me either. He looked like he was coping well given the situation. I even said that he looked bad and he answered that everyone would look like that in his situation. He even laughed about it. I thought like that as well. That’s what all of us thought. He’s coping well, like always. He is a survivor, isn’t he? Always adapting so well to all kinds of situations.”

His manager laughed a humourless laugh. “I realised that something was wrong when I was carrying him out. He was too light. God, he was compleatly liveless, like a dead person. He has always been too light but that was different. And look at his skin, he is yellow and pale. I should have noticed something. It lookes really wrong but I didn't see it. He needs to get better.”

What was his manager talking about. If he couldn't notice himself that he was sick, how should his manager see it. He hated it when people felt responsible for bad things happening to him. It was his own respobsibility. Without his manager, he wouldn't have been able to make it so far. It was hard to stay still and not saying anything. But he felt too weak to have a conversation.

“What are you going to do now?”, Joon-ho asked.

“I have to talk to the company. We were talking about what to do anyways. If it would have been possible, we wanted to set a date to send him to the army. By the time he would be back, the situation wouldn’t be that interesting anymore. But he can’t go. They already declined him and most people sayed, he wasn't the type to do good at the army.”

“With his body in this state, that would have been a catastrophe. Not to mention his character, they were right not to do that”, Joon-ho answered. His voice was so different from normal. Very silent, very earnest, no mischievousness, no hidden jokes and sniggering. He sounded very worried which made Joon Young’s heart skip a beat. He felt warm. They behaved like worried brothers. He must be very dear to them. 

“We should get him out of the sight of everyone. It would be best for him as well. Make him take a break. It’s better than keeping him here in Seoul and locked-in in his apartment. We can’t already make him go back as if nothing has happened. The public would not accept it. And ‘Law of the Jungle’ is discussing to cut him out completely. No, they are not ready to accept him back and that would hurt him more. We need to keep him away from all the news and reporters. Somewhere, were he’s also able to leave the house.”

“Maybe we should tell them all what happened to him. Wouldn’t they start to feel sympathy?”, that was Joon-ho again.

His manager was silent for a while, then said: “I don’t know. I’m not the expert. The agency will decide on that, but I think it will just make things worse. He will be in the spotlight again. The situation will be all over the news again and he will need to fight more, even though he's sick. We already made a statement of remorse towards all the shows and said we’ll take a time off. I think it’s better to stick to it.”

“They should know that he is not well. I’ll tell them that I think, he is emotionally hurt.”, he heard Joon-Ho saying in a bitter tone.

“Maybe that is not a bad idea. Without going into detail, it might help him. I better call the agency again to tell them about his condition. May I leave you with him again? I’m so sorry to ask this of you.”

“It’s fine”, he heard Joon-ho say and felt someone taking his hand. At that moment, he felt like a little child. A sick little child. But it wasn’t that bad of a feeling. It was a warm feeling to have people care for him and sometimes he liked to be childish. 

 

>>>>  <<<<

 

When he woke up the second time, Joon-ho was gone.

This time he opened his eyes.

The pain was still there but bearable. He felt strong enough to interact again - with reality, or others, or life, or whatever. The chair next to him was not occupied anymore. He noticed that he was alone in fact. That gave him time to get to terms with his situation. He remembered that he fell down in his home and that Joon-ho and his manager must have rushed him to the hospital. He also remembered the doctor saying something about gastroenteritis to his manager which must be an infection of his stomach or something. That was the sharp pain. It wasn’t from drinking and smoking. Or maybe that worsened it. And the pills he took against the pain weren’t good for his stomach either. All in all, he did a great job to worsen his situation. Well done…

And now he was in the hospital and had something stuck in his body to take care of his dejections. That was crazy, annoying and embarrassing. His face became red and his cheeks started burning, he could feel it.

He hated to lose control. Not knowing what was happening, not being able to take care of himself and to depend on others. He had no problem to care for others, he even liked it to be useful but he hated to inconvenience other people.

This would add a whole lot to the inconveniences he already caused to the people around him. He wanted it to stop. He wanted to be a value to their lives again not a complication. His stomach seemed to react to his thoughts and cramped which caused him to groan with pain.

He forced the thoughts into a corner of his mind where they could stay until he was ready to get back to them. Hopefully they would just disappear. He struggled a bit but finally managed to get into a half sitting position to check out the room. He was alone in a small private hospital room with an evenly small TV, a closet and two doors. One was to enter and leave the room and the other one to the bathroom, he guessed. Next to him was a small table with a cup and a bottle of water. His arm was still connected to an infusion pot and the needle seemed very thick and was fixed thoroughly. He had never been in such a condition. He once had to go to the hospital in Japan because of a broken arm and a hurt leg also later to do some health check-ups but he had never been unconscious.

It made him nervous. Did they tell his parents? Who knew about it? He searched for his mobile phone but couldn’t find it. So he tried to get some water. But it was difficult to reach the bottle and the cup.

The door opened while he was still struggling to get the bottle as his manager entered with two big bags in his arms.

“I can’t leave you alone for one minute”, he said.

Joon Young gave up on his fight for a cup of water and went back to his former half lying position.

“Nope, you can’t. Who will give me water and pamper me if you are not here?”, he said lightly.

His manager gave him a light smile, set the bags on the floor and went to give him his water. He looked him straight in the face while he was drinking. Joon Young pretended not to notice.

“Your quite sick Joon Young.”, the manager said.

“That is an obvious thing. I’m not lying in the hospital for fun.”, Joon Young responded.

His manager didn’t laugh or smile. “You have a very sever gastroenteritis. It got to a point where your kidneys where affected. You had such a high fever and that’s also why you fainted. The doctor said it could have become very dangerous if we would have waited any longer. Why didn’t you tell me that you were sick?”

“I didn’t realize it. I took pills and wouldn’t feel that much pain.”

“How many did you take? One normally realizes that something is not quite right if one has to take pills every day.”

“Hyung, nothing is normal since that thing came up. I don’t know myself anymore. How can I?”, Joon Young asked and to his surprise tears formed in his eyes.

He didn’t cry for a long time. Not when they decided to break up, not even after the press conference, not one tear through this whole hiatus. He felt awful but he didn’t cry. Why now?

“I …. I just tried to be less of a nuisance. It was difficult enough for everyone”, he continued and heard his voice breaking.

His manager seemed very surprised and nervously grabbed his own shirt to knead it and give his hands an occupation.

When Joon Young impatiently wiped away his tears, he felt his manager lay one hand softly on his shoulder to pat it. That made him realize with one blow how small he felt, how exhausted, afraid and how sick he was. His body felt very heavy and aching and his thoughts became heavy and dark as well. He had to fight very hard against more tears and for a steady pose.

“I’m so tired. I think, I need to sleep”, he said, after he got himself under control again.

From the look on his managers face, he could read that he didn’t want to leave him alone. “I’m okay hyung, thank you for taking care of me. I’m just tired and sleeping is always the best medicine, isn’t it?”, he asked.

“Okay, you sleep a bit. I’ll be back in three hours.”

“Hyung, did you tell my family?”

“Only the company was informed for now, I’ll call them now”

“Don’t. Don’t tell anyone. I made them worry enough already”, he said and rolled himself to the side, so that his manager couldn’t see his face.

He heard a faint “Alright” and the door closing.

Under the cover, he started to tear up again. Letting a part of the suppressed feelings finally come through. Knowing that he needed to do this to get well again. Being well was, after all, his responsibility to all the people who cared for him.

 

>>>>  <<<<

 

His last evening in the hospital. He took his mobile from the table.

23 missed calls and countless messages on various chats on different messengers asking him if he was alright, to meet up or to call if he didn’t want to stay home alone.

10 calls from his mother.

5 calls from his brother.

3 calls from Joon-Ho.

Surprisingly 2 from Defconn.

1 call from Jongin.

1 call from his father.

And one call from her.

He made sure to contact his family first. Telling them that he was alright, just busy with all the things going on in the company and he would contact them as soon as he’d find the time. When the scandal broke out, his mother started to call him every evening. She must have been out of it when she couldn’t get to him for 2 days. Surely, she contacted his father abroad and his brother in Seoul and asked them if they knew what was going on with him. They must have been worried. Now, they would think he was just as unreliable as always, that he wouldn’t think so much about their feelings. But it was okay, as long as they would stop worrying.

With the agency, he had agreed to not tell anyone about the hospitalization. He would say that he wasn’t well or that he had an infection but lost no word about the hospital and collapsing. If it would get public, it would just complicate everything. So he made sure to get back to everyone to tell them that he was a bit sick or just busy and that he would contact them if need be.

The agency had prioritised his protection from journalists and the news. They were discussing how to further deal with the situation and his protection. They had mentioned to think about staying abroad temporarily. They also sent some stuff to help out his manager who didn’t get much sleep and didn’t look much better then Joon Young himself.

He was thankful. Given the circumstances, the thought of staying abroad made him feel like being banished to exile because of a serious crime, but there was no better plan. He tried to think of it as a possibility to recharge and he missed travelling anyways. He didn’t disagree with the idea.

Joon-Ho took care of the hyungs from 2d1n, they were the only ones who knew about his hospital stay. Of course, Joon-Ho had contacted them while he was at the hospital waiting for him to wake up. Joon-Ho had also contacted the director. Of course, they were all reliable people who wouldn’t leak the information. They were all extremely worried and didn’t let him go until he agreed to meet at his house in a week from now.

After that he read all the other posts, message for message and answered them. He texted everyone that he was alright. He felt warm and loved with every word he read. They were mostly carefully written questions and offers to meet up or play games or drink and eat together. His friends wanted to make sure he was eating and wasn’t alone and he felt comforted by their thoughts. They all really, deeply cared for him. Even people he wasn’t expecting, sent encouraging words. Now that he thought about it, this went on since the hard time started. His friends and Hyungs and everyone around him started to show their support. He didn’t realize it because his mind was so full with all the other things.

Now, there was only one message left. A simple “How are you? Can’t reach you.”

A message from her.

A message that made him hurt.

Their contact over the last days made him realise, that she was actually over him. She was as hurt as him in the beginning. Maybe even more. Now, she started to feel better. It already became easier for her to contact him and she didn’t worry what to say anymore. She wasn’t going on egg shells like she did in the past. It felt like she sent messages to a good friend not a lost lover. But it was not over for him. He was just starting to realise, that the relationship had ended

… ended long ago.

Not just now.

They were on completely different stages.

Of course, he knew it then, the thing would get back at him.

He knew that, with every time he had shoved the feelings in a dark corner of his mind, the mountain of dark feelings, grew and grew. And it waited for him because he had to deal with it.

Now he saw himself confronted with a very large mountain of neglected, angry, disappointed feelings of the past.
A mountain of problems of the presence.
A mountain of fear for his livelihood, career, his future.

Three mountains, one of the past, one of the presence and one of the future. He had to climb them all and the only gear he had was the love of the people around him. It always came to love when facing a difficult time in life.

But wasn’t love always the most important thing in ones life?
Wasn’t love always the answer to everything and the attempt behind all human action?
Wasn’t love the past, the presence and the future of all life?

And there was so much of it in his life.

He answered: “I’m not so well but I’ll get better. Will get back to you later.”

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I'm back writing in samller parts. I have too much work on my hands to concentrate on writing this fast. So I want to serve you bit by bit at least. The next part of this chapter will hopefully be done fast.

Thank you for reading until here. Thank you so much <3