Sometimes you just need to break down, to find all the pieces you need, to build yourself up again. 

Quote by unknown

 

He wasn’t completely awake yet. It was just so nice to lie on the sofa not doing anything with the sun warming his body. Thanks to the air conditioner, the temperature was perfect. It was already September. October would come soon and the days would start to get colder. The sun was still warm.

He didn’t want to get up. It was so good to have the luxury to just stay where he was and, at most, turn around to change the sleeping position.

It was so good to lie on the sofa with closed eyes and feel the absence of stress and pressure.

After a while he got hungry, so he stood up and searched through the kitchen. When he couldn’t find anything better, his choice fell on one of the ramen packs. He added hot water and some mushrooms and went back to the sofa. Placing himself in front of it on the floor and switching on the television.

He loved the days with nothing to do and no ambition to go anywhere. After finishing the Ramen, he took his guitar and played some chords but nothing would fit. Normally the music would just come out. He would try this and that until the chords would suddenly make sense and he was able to create melodies. But today and his previous free days, nothing worked.

'It might be some artistic blockade', he thought with a slight twinge in his stomach.

'Maybe it got something to do with her?'

He put his guitar away angrily, thinking about playing some games he searched for his notebook. When he opened the browser, he saw the top discussions on Naver about his name. It was always good to check the results of his broadcast appearances on search engines. He had the search tab open all the time to check it occasionally. 

Today he didn’t want to take a look. He just didn’t want to engage with society. Feeling somehow down and tired, he wanted to do nothing but was bored anyways.

That mood changed very fast when he caught the word ‘scandal’ from the corner of his eye while opening a new tab. Scandal? That scared him. He went back to the search results. It was there, next to his name. Together with the even more scary words "ual harrasment". 

When he read the article to the terrifying headline, he couldn’t believe the content. What was that about producing a tape and filming his ex with a hidden camera without her consent while sleeping with her? It was laughable. 

He was so angry. ‘Me? What’s that? What kind of sh*t are they writing there?’ It was not true. He couldn’t let it go. He had to comment on that. They wouldn’t know it’s him anyways. Thank the gods for the anonymousness of the internet. With a loud tap on the keyboard he sent the comment on that fu**ing website.

“lol… me?”

A hidden camera? When? Where? Why should he? It was lucky that the case had already been settled with the police. When he went there, he explained that there was indeed a video he had made with his mobile phone, not a hidden camera, but he never showed it to anyone and wouldn’t have done that in the future. It wasn’t without her knowledge and was just a fun thing between the two of them.

She had handed in the petitions to let it go. They understood and said they would forward the information to the prosecutors.

After that, he went for a drink with his ex-girlfriend to celebrate the end of it. But what was that article now? How did they know about the video and what was that thing about a hidden camera? It sounded really awful. It made him look like a really horrible person. Thinking about that, he got nervous.

Maybe this could become a problem?

He checked the other comments. Most of the people were shocked and said they couldn’t believe it. Some said they never liked him and knew he was a erted weirdo, but that were pretty normal statements he got on everything he did or did not do.

What really shocked him was the number of comments. Already hundreds. What the hell? Maybe he should do something?

He felt his heartbeat fasten. His hands got sweaty. He felt the urge to move his body to get this rise of panic under control. Searching for his mobile, he walked through his apartment. He searched everywhere and couldn`t find it.

He felt that twinge in his stomach again. And with every step he took it deepened. Going through everything for the second time he finally found his phone in the bathroom where he should have noticed it on his first search.

He called his Manager and explained everything. They arranged to meet and go to the company as soon as possible. His Manager would pick him up in 15 minutes. Great, he was still wearing shorts, his hair all over the place. He hadn’t even brushed his teeth.

As soon as he was done with the most important things, the doorbell rung. He picked up his jacket and mobile and opened the door. His Manager wasn’t wearing at least a fake smile. He was looking scared. Not worried… scared.

His mobile still on the ear, it seemed like he was still talking to the agency. His head was red and his lips were pressed together and pale. He looked sick.

If his Manager was that worried, the situation might be really bad. Was he in big trouble?

“He just came out. We are on our way. See you there.” His manager ended the call and looked straight at him. Joon Young felt like a deer on a road waiting to get hit by a car without being able to do anything. He was trembling a bit and couldn’t stay still. He felt his eyes being wide open but couldn’t do anything against it. He must have looked pitiful, seeing his Managers crazed look suddenly turning warm.

“Let’s go. We’ll have a meeting. They already knew about the article and are waiting for us. Together we will find a way to stop that!”

What would he do without that guy. He was like a real brother.

 

>>>>  <<<<

 

He wasn’t tired anymore. He was at a point, were he was so short of sleep, that he felt awake.

His dry eyes hurt.

His ears rang from all the voices he had heard and all the conversations he had to go through.

His ex, she was afraid, crying again. He didn’t want for her to feel guilty and he didn’t want to feel guilty himself. Or feeling guilty because she felt guilty. That was why he didn’t know how to talk to her anymore.

All the meetings at the company.

Bad news and more bad news and more going on and on and on.

Screening, reading, discussing. Being asked thousands of questions about the matter, about his condition about her about him about everything and nothing.

Afraid to ask questions in return.

Everyone asked questions and his brother, oh and his parents.

His parents, it hurt him so much.

The pain made it hard to breathe. They didn’t ask him any questions. Instead, they just waited for him to talk and he just told them that he was fine. He felt so bad for them. He felt so damn guilty for becoming and obstacle in their lifes.  

He had to stop thinking about that. He had to control himself.

Two days since the article spread. Two days of hell. It was too late. They weren’t able to control it anymore. The plan now was trying to distinguish the fire.

He could hear the journalists waiting for him outside. For his statement. For him to put his future in their hands. He might lose everything.

The stylist came. There was not that much for her to do. He already looked awful but the light of the cameras might cover the dark circles under his eyes. She made sure this wouldn’t happen, they should be there for everyone to see. She put tons of hair spray on his head to make his hair look as awful as his face. And she made his lips a bit paler but well, there was not much for her to do, he looked really fu**ed up.

He looked not nearly as bad as he felt though.

But he also felt mysteriously calm, as if all this happened to someone else and he was just watching or taking over for some stranger. Someone he got nothing to do with.

The agency had told him how to act. They told him to remind himself, that he was not guilty of the things they accused him for, so he shouldn’t be too emotional. He should be remorseful, be considerate, let them see that he was having a hard time but not too much. They told him not to answer any questions, not to let anyone or anything bring him out of control.

It was years in the show business for him and he still wasn’t used to the media. Maybe he would never be.

He read the text the agency had given him again and again. They wrote it after the longest meeting in which they went through the whole story again and again.

When he came to the passage about being sorry to his colleagues, he stopped. He felt a sharp pain in his stomach. That was the hardest part. He had to get through this without showing any signs of pain or tears.

He would announce that he would stop all his activities. He didn’t want to stop. Especially the broadcast '1 night 2 days'.

The others, they were his hyungs. They were his brothers.

They shared so much now, since they’ve been together for such a long time. Going through so much together. Sharing so many thoughts with each other for years now.

He didn’t want to lose them. But instead of good results in the games and viewing rates, now he brought danger to them. Instead of the beloved little brother, he was now a risk to them.

He was sorry to them and he felt guilty. Guilty and sorry and guilty and sorry and again and again.

He stood up. He had to stop it and get himself together and get through this press conference. One step at a time.

 

>>>>  <<<<

 

When he returned to the room after the press conference, his ears were ringing. He had to sit down because his legs where shaking. Now, it was done. It might be the end of his career and his dreams he had worked so hard for. In just two days, his life had completely changed. What should he do now? He was without any orientation. He was tired. He wanted to go home but he was afraid to be alone. Sitting in this small room, he already felt so alone.

Outside in the hall, so many people had waited for him but now, he was alone with himself. Suddenly everyone was gone and he was left to face himself.

He showed all of himself to others. One could read him like a book. Sometimes he was afraid, that it was stupid of him and he was naïve to put himself in such danger. But then again, he just had to. He couldn’t get out of his skin. He showed his true nature because he always thought that every human being was actually lovable, if they would just show themselves to the world. So he knew, that he as well was lovable and wanted to show himself. Sure, there were people who didn’t get him or didn’t believe that he was honest. It did hurt sometimes, but then again, he said to himself, that there was no person in this world who was loved by everyone. That people where so used to face each other wearing masks, they couldn't come to terms with someone beeing as honest as himslef. That change needed its time. But at least most people who really knew him, liked him exactly for that. So he thought, he did the right thing.

But it hurt more. He showed his true self, he went out there without an armour of lies, hypocrisy and pretence and the wounds he received naturally were deeper.

And there was this part of him he wasn’t able to show to everyone. The part that was easy to break. The sad part. Well, that thing deep in himself, he didn’t really understand. He didn’t know how to deal with it. Most times he didn’t even know what he felt about it himself, so how could he show that to others. He called it the times, when he wasn’t able to show his smiling face. Not beeing able to really show it to anyone, he had to deal with it himself.

But he didn’t have the energy to do so now.

He closed his eyes trying to prepare for the loneliness in his house and felt anxiety. He should not be alone now. There was real panic waiting for him covered in fear.

He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Joon Young, you need a break. I’ll drive you home.” It was the voice of his manager.

Panic filled his head. He opened his eyes and looked at the other man. He got a surprised look in return and a warm smile. “I can stay at your house for some time or do you want to come to my house?”

‘The fear must have shown through,’ he thought and tried a smile while getting up.

“Anywhere is fine with me. You just can’t get enough of me, can you?”

His Manager laughed and patted him on the back while they went to the parking lot. “It seems you know me better than I do”, he answered.

Acting normal and making fun of each other was a good way to cope with it at the moment. It showed him that there was happiness even in miserable times.

He was going through a hard time but he was still here and he still got people with him and there’d always be a way to go on. Always…. Somehow….

 

>>>>  <<<<

 

He had returned home. After smoking many packs of cigarettes, drinking alcohol every day and listening to music in a very noisy manner got on the nerves of the people his manager lived with, it was the better option. So he wentback to his house. His manager still stayed with him at day time but went home at night.

Joon Young was better. Well, a bit better. A tiny little bit. But he looked worse. He couldn’t leave the house so he stayed at home. He didn’t shower, didn’t shave, didn’t change his clothes. He just slept in the day, tried to sleep at night when he was alone but couldn’t because he was afraid and all the bad thoughts kept visiting him as soon as he closed his eyes. All the questions, the doubt, the disbelief. He tried to stay awake until he was so tired, he suddenly fell asleep without noticing. He would wake after some hours because of bad dreams. So he couldn’t keep track of the days that passed by. He lost track of time. The window and his mobile phone toled him if it was day or night. But actually. it didn’t matter to him.

His mood was okay. Something had closed around him to protect him. He couldn’t really feel much. As he had stopped trying to sleep, the bad thoughts couldn’t take over the mood of nothingness. It was okay. Sometimes he thought it might be because he got stronger with experiences like this. Sometimes he thought something might be really wrong with him and he hoped that it wouldn’t backfire. He just couldn't decide and there was no way to find out.

The prosecution office had contacted him. He needed to go there again. His manager went to set everything so that no one would find out about the meeting. He had to give a statement and they asked for his mobile phone. The video was still in the data memory. The company said that it was no use to delete it now. They could check when it was deleted and restore it anyway.

He was sitting in front of a white sheet of paper. A can of beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other. The ashtray was full. He should better stop it. But not today. Some other day, he needed to stop with the alcohol at least. He actually got drunk only for the good times sake. When he was feeling depressed, he never drank alcohol. Until now. But this now, was such a foreign situation..

He needed to concentrate on that piece of paper now. What should he tell them? They knew that his ex-girlfriend had handed in all the petitions to close the case. What could he do more? The video still existed and he had to hand it in. It was such an awkward situation because the existence of the video was actually never the problem, it was just a joke for him, for her… but now, it really became the obstacle, the problem and the embarrassment.

Most likely for her more than for him. Now, he really had to show it to people. He would have never done that, if she hadn’t filed against him. And he knew that those people even knew her and how painful it must be for her, knowing that some strangers would now see their intimacy. Or at least hear it because there was not so much to see on that short piece of film. It was not nice for him either but for women, it must be different, he thought. They seemed to be more intimidated and vulnerable by such situations. Putting more importance to such intimacy maybe? He didn’t know. Such a paradox situation.  

He looked at the white paper like he would look at his arch enemy. He had to battle that thing which meant, he had to go back to the situation and think about it. Arguments… he needed arguments…

He made the video in February and she knew about it. If the video was made without her consent or presented any danger to her, why would she have waited to file until August?

He wrote it down.

She knew of the existence of the video.

I filmed it with her consent in February.

I never showed it to anyone nor had the plan to do so.

It was just a joke between the both of us.

If it was against her will, why would she wait until August to sue?

If she had not known about it, how come she sues at all?

He cancelled the last sentence. Sometimes he got confused himself. She hadn’t stated that it was a hidden camera. That was just the imagination of the press. That was what had shocked both of them so much. How could the situation have gone out of hand like this?

Stop! He needed to stop his thoughts here. ‘Why’ and ‘could have’ and ‘if’ didn’t help him.

He had a stomach ache again. He really should stop drinking beer. Especially with the appointment at the prosecutors the following day. He stood up and went to the sink where he got rid of the beer. After throwing the empty can in the bin, he searched for the pain killers he had put next to the sink because he used them quite often lately. He took two pills and got himself a glass of water. Then he went back to his chair, to the table, to the white paper sheet and stared at it. Going through everything again.

 

>>>>  <<<<

 

Finally, some good news. They had closed the case. It was official, he was innocent. They had stated that the woman in the video was not recognisable, neither face nor voice could give a hint. For that, he couldn’t have used the video to blackmail her or do anything unlawful with it. Thank god the quality was that bad!

The agency already took action to inform the media.

He was still locked up in his house but at least, he wasn’t such an embarrassment to his parents, brother, whole family and friends anymore. That was the worst. Being a loser did hurt his ego but it was the worst to be a hindrance to the people he loved. They had been so proud of him. He was so unbelievably proud that they boasted about him. It made him so happy. But he became an obstacle to them. It wasn’t good to be the brother, mother or father of a criminal. Especially in Korea. And a criminal with charges of ual harassment, a molester at that.

What he had threated the most during the past days were this mothers calls. When she was crying, asking him if he was alright. If he did eat. If he was well. She toled him, that she loved him. And became aware of the importance she and his whole family had to him. Suddenly he realised, how much it meant to him, that they were proud of him. He would have never thought that one of the things hurting him most, was to hurt his family with his existence.

He hoped so much that it would get better soon. It had to be better soon. For them. 

The first sign of an improvement was a message in the 1n2d chatroom. They wanted to visit him. He was so happy, finally being able to see the hyungs. Those guys, that were like real brothers to him. Those guys he had hurt as well. They would be coming soon. He was so excited.

When the doorbell rang, he sprinted there, opened it and fell in the arms of the first guy standing there. Everyone greeted him with utmost love and care. It was so good.

They sat together, talked, laughed, shared stories. It hurt a bit when they were telling him stories of the things that happened in his absence. But it was also funny and laughing was so good that it made him cry tears of joy. They all laughed even more.

The mood suddenly changed when someone mentioned the program ‘Law of the jungle’.

Joon Young looked at them in astonishment. “What about it?”

“It was in the news today. They are thinking about cutting you out. But with the good news now, they won’t do that for sure!”

“Oh….” he said, not able to hide the shock.

Of course, it was not over. He knew actually, but he had forgotten for a short time.

Suddenly, he wasn’t able to find his way back to the good mood, he had just fallen out of. He tried to smile but it would not work. The others felt it too. After a while and some hints from Joon-ho the guys got up and bid their farewell with the promise to meet up again very soon and a warm hug.

Joon Young tried to show them how thankful he was for their visit and also toled them more than once.

Joon-ho didn’t leave. He looked at him for a while then got a freaking stupid smile and said he wouldn’t go until he got a good dinner and some Shoju.

Joon Young smiled and agreed to invite him to an ordered dinner in account of his thankfulness just this once.

When he set the table his stomach hurt again. He took two more pills and tried to ignore it. Then he sent a message to his manager telling him to come over to eat fried chicken and Jajangmyeon with them.

When the food arrived, the manager was still missing so they started without him. His stomach was still in pain. It felt cramped and hard so he couldn’t eat much and his chest also started to hurt as if hardened muscles in the shoulders would emanate from the back to the front. As if there was a ring of iron pressing the air out of his lungs. He stopped trying to eat and hit his fist against the invisible iron ring to erase the pressure on his chest. It didn't bring any relief.

Joon-ho looked at him with a worried face.

He just waved it off. “I got a bit of a stomach ache. Must have had too much beer and cigarettes”, he smiled and got up. “I need some water, do you want some too?”

Joon-ho nodded but didn’t stop to look at him worried. “You know that you look pretty bad? Are you really okay?”

Joon Young laughed while going to the kitchen to get his glass of water. “Who wouldn’t look like that in my situation? It would be more worrisome if I’d look normal, wouldn’t it?”, he said with another short laugh.  

When he reached for the glass in the cupboard, he suddenly felt a strong pain piercing through his chest. He couldn’t scream nor talk nor call for Joon-ho. He just bent over holding his chest while gasping for air. The glass slipped out of his grip, fell down and broke on the floor. He heard his own voice making strange sounds. His legs gave in and he went to the ground. Kneeling next to the glass shards. He tried to get up, but that made the pain worse. He gave out a short cry and sank down to the ground fully. 

He couldn’t do anything. His muscles cramped and his body just wouldn’t do what he wanted it to do. So he lay there on his side holding his chest just trying to breath. He saw feet running next to him and felt his head being lifted.

Over him he saw Joon-ho's face in panic, talking to him or maybe shouting out but he couldn’t hear nor answer him. There was a ringing in his ears and he had to concentrate on breathing because the pain didn't stop to push the air out of his lungs. After some minutes, his sight grew dim and he felt his muscles loose strength. 'This is embarrassing. I think I’m fainting. Oh my god, this is really embarrassing’, was the last thing he thought before he felt his head falling back and everything went black.

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The whole chapter at once this time. I hope you like it. It got a bit more dramatic then acctually planned. It somehow happened.

I'm still happy about subscibers, comments or any reaction. Thank you very much for reading my story. 

Once again I'd like to point out, that some situation, mentioned in this story really took place. But the story itself is just my imagination. I just try to tell a story about how a person, in such situations might have felt.