If it causes you more pain than happiness – let go. 

Quote by unknown. 

She was furious and he was exhausted.

All the anger gave her energy while he was so drained, that saying one word was too much of an effort. He wasn’t a person of many words when it came to arguments anyway. He avoided them. He expected other people to understand him, if they couldn't do it, he just resignated and let them be. No words needed.

She should know him well enough. Wasn’t she able to read him even to that extend or did she just not want to understand? Did he expect too much or was all of this just a pointless run in the wrong direction? His feelings didn't cool down. He still felt love but why was this love so exhausting? 

“So, where have you been? You said you would come as fast as possible but I didn't get to see your face for even a minute! I was waiting the whole night for you. All alone! Do you think it was fun driving all the way there, just to return without even being able to see you? Don’t you understand me? Say something!”

Of course he understood. But why didn't she understand him? He explained to her so many times. They've had this conversations and arguments over and over again. Why didn’t she know, that if he couldn’t make it, he would have a really important reason for it and it was as hard for him as it was for her. Still, it was his job. He had a special job and fame but he also had to give up a lot for that. He was so stressed, he couldn’t and wouldn’t answer. Why would she not at least have him enjoy the short time they had together?

It was easier in the beginning. There weren’t that many expectations. Everything he did was met with her smile and he wasn’t under pressure at all. But well, as in every relationship, the more it kept growing, the more you had to think about the priority it would take in your life.

Their relationship had grown and it was time to advance it. It had grown and she had changed and he was feeling the force to change as well. To fit in with her. To develop it and bring it to a new stage.

But he couldn’t. It was not the right time. He had to think of his career. He would never risk his career, for it was something he loved more than his life and worked so hard for. It has always been his dream. Ever since he that one moment in his childhood when he was sitting in front of the tv. He was watching MTVs Nirvana unplugged and he felt the music. Not just listening to it, he suddenly felt it and that was the moment he realised that it would be something constant in his life. That from this point on, he would live with music. 

But all this pressure. Not only from the company, the media, the fans. Now even she added to it. That was what made him struggle even more. Being the stubborn person and free spirit he was, it wasn't easy to take. He felt like a prisoner and he had build the prison himself. 

He felt like everyone wanted to put him in a cage like a bird. To look at him and make him sing, do stunts, eat and sit around instead of flying happily to the direction of his own mind. He had to perform when ever they wanted. He loved his fans but sometimes he feared them. But without them he wasn't able to do what he lived for. Also the company. They protected him and promoted him and heiped him to be able to do what he loved but they also tight him down. And with his relationship it had become the same. 

On the other hand, that was his job. Sing whenever they wanted to listen. Dance for them, smile for them and make a show for them. On one hand he hated it and on the other, he loved it. It was crazy what one was able to bear for the chance of doing what they loved to do.

But now she had somehow become one of them. One of the people who made him do things. He hated them and loved them. He loved her so much, he couldn't hate her but he couldn't say a word.

She looked at him still waiting for a reaction. 

Her personality, her wise words. He looked up to her. She was everything he wanted. Full of creativity, so beautiful, funny, proud, intelligent and most important, full of warmth.  She reminded him of all the love songs he sang for her Bon Jovi’s Bed of Roses, Guns N’ Roses' Sweet Child O’ Mine and in bed with her, he'd always thought of Nirvanas Love Buzz.

But all those songs, he noticed, had changed their meaning for him. Now, they described the eagerness to hold on to a breaking relationship.He felt it breaking for quite a while now. But what could he do? He adored her so much. She was the embodiment of art itself. And she gave him strength.

When he was not confident, when he said the wrong thing in a show or just didn’t like himself, when he was stressed out and didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, he could go to her. He would either tell her or – if he wouldn’t want to talk – snuggle against her, she would understand him. No words needed. She'd take him in her arms and with this small gesture alone, nearly all the weight on his shoulders would disappear. He needed her. But things had changed.

Now, he couldn’t live with, nor without her. Thinking about her added to the stress he already felt. The thought of her didn’t fill him with lightness anymore.

“You won’t answer?... Fine…”, she took her shoes from the entrance.

“Guess, I’m not needed here. Guess you should take your alone time. Think very hard about the things you want in your life. I’m going to do the same. I’m not sure if I can see you in my life anymore.”

He couldn’t react. He still just watched her.

She was beautiful when she was furious. After putting on her shoes, she took one of his and threw it at him. It hit him lightly on the hip and fell to the ground. He looked at it. He could have ditched it but his arms where too heavy and his mind too dazed. He couldn’t do anything but look at that shoe on the floor and, with an expressionless face, look up at her again. 

She stared at him, not sure how to react.

Now was the time to go to her or he would loose her.

It was for him to decide. But he was frozen and couldn't do anything. He wasn't ready for a decision. 

She waited some time for a reaction but when he wouldn’t show any, she gave up and turned to the door. She threw him one last sad and disappointed look. It seemed like her eyes were filling up with tears. Her hair was flying while she turned abruptly and the door clunk shut behind her.

He sighed heavily. Slowly, listlessly and lifelessly, he went to the fridge to get a beer. He put the beer down again and took the shochu out. He had to get over the worst today. Tomorrow, he had to smile for the camera. But it didn't matter. Today nothing really mattered. It was sad.

Trying to avoid a decision turned out to be one.