[images credit: babydollmato.tumblr.com]

Author's note: In case you thought I was going soft after the last chapter, here's a double dose of angst.

Also, who's excited for the comeback? :D

Nara moved languidly along the length of the room slowly, as if she were wading through water. The place, though familiar, was cast in a strange, dim light that illuminated only the faces of the men that sat around a long, dark teak table. All the men, in their ill-fitting suits and greasy comb-overs, sat frozen, as if in a tableau. Nara felt like as if she were viewing a two-dimensional painting.

She moved from one end of the table to the other, slowly examining the face of each man. As she recognized each person, her mind came up with mental lists, attaching identity markers to each man.

There was Sungwoon samchon, who watched the docks… Baekho samchon, the snakehead… Ilsung samchon, who corresponded with politicians and high-ranking officials… Jaehoon samchon, who brought in girls from Russia…

At some point, she realized that there was something strange about the fact that she was standing while everyone was sitting. Didn’t she have a place at this table too? She looked backwards, in the direction she came from, but all she saw was darkness. She couldn’t spot her seat. The only source of light seemed to be directly above the center of the table, and beyond all the eerily still faces, she could not see anything.

Maybe if she moved a little further, she would find her place.

Nara felt her feet moving again, as she resumed the task of methodically identifying each man. She didn’t know why she was doing it, but she felt no inclination to stop. She’d almost reached the other end of the table when she saw a face that didn’t feel quite right.

Kim Tae Song.

She halted immediately, feeling a bubble of emotion swell within her as she stared at his face. What was he doing here? He didn’t belong here, after what he had done. He looked so strange, so out of place, and so different from the other inert figures, but she couldn’t quite place her finger on why exactly.

Nara watched with growing horror as the realization slowly kicked in.

She wasn’t the only one who was moving. He was too.

A wave of revulsion, along with an immense rage, overwhelmed her senses as she watched a twisted, grotesque smile spread across his face. His lips stretched almost unnaturally wide in a Joker-esque grin that mocked and taunted her. Her anger was quickly and suddenly replaced with an all-consuming, irrational fear when his lips parted to reveal crooked, yellow teeth as he started laughing at her. What started as a casually derisive snicker slowly turned into loud, keening guffaws that grew louder and louder in volume, until they hurt her ears. He stared unwaveringly at her, his cruel eyes boring into her as she tried to cover her ears with her hands. She tried to stand her ground, to show him that she wasn’t going to be easily defeated by him, but she couldn’t stop the paralyzing anxiety that was slowly taking control over every fiber of her being. She couldn’t, for the life of her, understand why she was so deathly terrified of him in that moment.

Then, her eyes shifted beside him, to the head of the table, where her father sat. He, like the rest of the men at the table, was motionless, but in the middle of his crisp white shirt, exposed by his ed blazer, was a red spot. Knowing exactly what that meant, Nara felt her veins turn to ice.

No. No, no, no, no, no…

She tried to move, to stop the crimson spot from growing and spreading, but she was literally crippled by her fear. Helpless tears started to pour from her eyes as she tried to force her limbs to cooperate, fighting against the invisible restraints that were rooting her to the spot. She tried to shout, to call for her father’s attention, but even when she screamed till was raw, no sound came out. His eyes were trained straight ahead, away from her, unseeing and lifeless.

The blood spread and spread, soaking his entire shirt until there was not a single spot of white left.

She didn’t stop screaming. She couldn’t hear anything other than Kim Tae Song’s inhumanely high-pitched laughter, but she didn’t stop. was burning, but she was determined to keep at it until she could be heard.

“Appa! Appa!”

“It’s okay, Nara… Shh… It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here.”

Nara jerked awake, coughing and choking as she felt herself being pulled into an embrace. Her eyes burned with hot tears, preventing her from seeing anything. Her heart was still pounding in , but the soothing voice in her ear, coupled with the gentle along her back, managed to calm her.

It wasn’t real.

It was a dream.

She was safe.

She coughed again, in deep breaths through and trying to calm her racing heart. It took a while before she regained enough of her senses to wipe the tears from her eyes, but not once did the soothing hand on her back stop. Finally, she pulled away to see Himchan’s concerned face staring at her.

“It’s just a bad dream,” he said softly, his hands coming up to her face so he could brush the tears off her cheeks. “You’re okay. You’re safe. I’m right here.”

Nara nodded, feeling the adrenalin start to wear off, even though the feeling of fear lingered just a little longer. “You’re here,” she repeated, just to be sure. That fact brought her the greatest comfort. As long as her Himchan oppa was there, everything was fine. Nothing was going to harm her.

“I’m here,” he said again, perhaps knowing how much that reassured her. He looked at her tenderly as he swept a sweat-soaked tendril of hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. “Of course I’m here. I’m always going to be here.”

As Nara stared back at him, she felt her pulse speeding up again, although this time, it was for entirely different reasons. His hand slipped lower, tracing along her jaw, and that action was so gentle and soothing that it was almost hypnotic. Her voice lowered to a whisper, her tone pleading. “Promise?”

“Promise,” he replied in a voice as low as hers. Without even realizing it, she’d somehow found herself moving closer to him, so close that his breath scattered across her lips with his last word. A shudder went through her body when she realized that, but it was the pleasant kind. She searched his eyes, wondering if he was okay with her proximity, but they were dark, stormy and unreadable. She didn’t really know what she was expecting, but she just knew she wanted to be closer to him, because he was warmth and comfort and stability and everything that she wanted and needed in her life.

The moment she lowered her eyes, she felt Himchan close the distance between them, pressing his lips to hers. Nara let her eyelids flutter shut, enjoying the tingling that spread throughout her body. She knew they didn’t have that kind of relationship, but at that moment, kissing Himchan just felt right. His kiss was gentle and tentative at first, as if he were expecting her to pull away immediately, but when she didn’t, he tilted his head to deepen the kiss, one hand threading through her hair. Nara allowed herself to get swept away in the moment, her hands sliding up from his chest to his neck.

It felt nice. Really nice.

The kiss didn’t stay sweet and innocent for long. Nara could feel Himchan’s kisses becoming more insistent and urgent, and she felt her body heating up when she realized that she felt the same way. She was breathless and giddy when he finally pulled away for air, only to quickly move his lips towards her neck. She could hear his ragged breathing in her ear as he shifted their positions, gently urging her to lie down. She complied easily, spreading her legs so that he could settle in between them. He paused for a moment, just hovering above her and looking at her wordlessly, uncertain if he should proceed any further.

Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, but by this time, Nara felt like her entire body was on fire. She wanted more, and she wasn’t about to let his conscience get in the way. She took advantage of his hesitation to tug at the hem of his t-shirt, indicating to him that she wanted it off. He whipped it off obediently, and before he even had time to toss it aside, she was already pulling him back down towards her.

That was probably the only cue he needed. He kissed her deeply again, and Nara noted that he was taking care to make sure he wasn’t leaning all his weight on her bulging tummy. There was something about the gentle, loving way that he handled her that made her heart ache, and she wished he would be rougher with her so that neither of them had to think about what they were doing. Grasping his hand, she moved it over her before tugging on his short hair with her other hand. He let out a groan against her lips before squeezing. Nara let out a satisfied mewl of her own when he responded, jutting his hips against hers to let her feel how aroused he was.

It worked. As Himchan’s lips left hers to brand fire against the skin of her collarbone, Nara felt all coherent thoughts escape her mind. All she could think of was how much closer she needed him, and how smooth the skin of his back felt under her palms. She wanted nothing more than for him to take her, and claim her, and fill the void that was threatening to consume her. Whether he realized it or not, he was now gently rocking his hips into hers, causing the most pleasurable jolts of electricity to course through her veins.

It wasn’t enough. She needed more. She felt like she would combust if she didn’t feel his skin on hers. She hissed when his brushed across the one spot that had her entire body shuddering.

“, Yong—”

The moment she uttered that single syllable, the tension that had been building up over the last few minutes snapped. Himchan stopped moving abruptly, and she could feel his entire body stiffen.

.

She had no idea why that had slipped out. It wasn’t like she was thinking about him. It was almost instinctive, like she had no control over it.

Neither of them said anything, but it was obvious that something in the air had changed. Nara swallowed hard as Himchan moved backwards, detaching his body from hers. Their eyes locked for a second, and Nara’s heart tightened when she saw the hurt and betrayal that flashed across his face. Then, his expression turned steely, and he looked almost menacing when he moved closer to her again, returning his lips to hers.

Feeling sorry about what she’d done, Nara tried her best to reciprocate, but the moment had passed. She knew what Himchan was trying to do; he was trying to make her forget him, to replace those memories with new ones. Maybe he could have, if she hadn’t messed up, but now, she was all too aware that it was Himchan that was in bed with her. Himchan, her friend. Himchan, who didn’t deserve whatever she was using him for. Now, everything felt wrong.

She tried to break the kiss, lightly pushing against his chest, but he refused to budge. He became more insistent, almost bruising her lips with how hard he was kissing her. She could feel the anger radiating off him, and for a moment, she was almost afraid of him.

Pushing harder, Nara managed to create enough space to turn her head away. “Stop,” she whispered, but he was not to be deterred so easily. His lips moved towards her neck, but this time, it no longer felt pleasurable. It just felt wrong.

“Stop,” she repeated, gasping for breath. “Stop!”

The last proclamation came out a bit louder than she’d intended, and it cause Himchan to jerk backwards, away from her. He stared down at her, his eyes burning with fury, and his chest heaving.

“!”

She didn’t know where all this rage had come from, and how much of it was directed at her. She just felt afraid as he tore away from her, getting off the bed. She sat up quickly, wanting to say something to him, but she knew there wasn’t anything she could say to make things better. Either ways, it wasn’t like he gave her a chance to. He stormed towards the door, ripping it open with so much force it was a miracle it stayed on its hinges. Then, he slammed it shut behind him with equal force.

Nara hurried to her feet, feeling an inclination to follow him out of concern. She rarely saw him lose his temper like that. She rushed out of her room and followed him down the stairs. She tried to call out to him, but he only sped up, ignoring her. She followed him halfway across the living room before she heard him go out through the front door, the door swinging shut loudly as he went.

Her shoulders slumped in defeat. What had she done? What was it about her that pushed away everyone who cared about her?

As she turned to return to her room, she realized for the first time that she wasn’t alone in the living room. She locked eyes with Daehyun, who was blinking at her with an incredulous expression as he sat on the couch. She hadn’t even realized that the TV was on, and she was standing right between him and the screen.

“Did something just happen?” Daehyun asked cluelessly, looking between her and the door that Himchan had just stormed out of.

“I… I just…”

She couldn’t find the words to even explain what had just happened. Luckily, Daehyun was quick on the uptake. He’d heard Himchan rushing to Nara’s room earlier when she’d started screaming; he now took in Nara’s disheveled appearance, and the fact that Himchan had just run out half-. It was enough for him to put two and two together and come to a rough conclusion, so he didn’t push her for an answer. He just patted the seat next to him, and Nara sank down onto the couch, drained of all energy. Daehyun sat wordlessly beside her for a while. He probably knew that she wasn’t really watching TV even though her eyes were fixed on the screen, but he allowed her to just sit there and think. After a long time, he turned to her.

“You know that he really cares about you, right?”

“I do. I just… I just can’t…”

Tears of frustration escaped her eyes, and Nara brushed them away with her sleeve. She was so annoyed at herself. She knew how Himchan felt about her, and she wished she could return those feelings. Everything would be a lot less complicated if she could just love him the way he loved her, but why couldn’t she? And if she knew she couldn’t, why did she just lead him on like that? What was wrong with her?

“Maybe it’s too soon,” Daehyun advised. “Give it time.”

Nara exhaled deeply. “He’s very important to me. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Too late,” Daehyun pointed out. “He probably also knows that he’s going to keep getting hurt, but he’s going to keeping coming back to you anyway. That’s the kind of person he is.”

“I wish I deserve someone like him,” Nara sniffled.

Daehyun puffed out his cheeks, looking over at Nara. He knew how much both of them were hurting. He knew that she was probably going to stay up all night, tossing and turning, maybe even crying. He knew that Himchan was probably going to sit outside in the car (he wouldn’t be able to go to a bar, since he didn’t have a shirt on), listening to music until his anger dissipated. Daehyun wished he could do something to help his friends, but he knew that he was powerless. There was nothing he could possibly do that could resolve this fix that they were in. He sighed and settled for just the back of Nara’s head, knowing that it would offer scant comfort.

“I know, princess. Give it time. Maybe one day we all will.”

Yongguk walked down towards the creek, carefully navigating his way along the bank and ensuring he wouldn’t slip on moss. The whole place was quiet save for the sound of the stream and the random chirping of birds and insects. On the other side of the bank, there was a scattering of old men in bucket hats, reclining in foldable chairs, fishing rods in hand. The more experienced fishermen knew which way the water flowed, so they clustered around the same area. The man he was looking for, although similarly attired and inconspicuous, sat apart from the rest. He only looked like he was here to fish.

He wasn’t.

Yongguk sat down on the empty chair beside the man, who wore his bucket hat low on his head to obscure his face. He didn’t turn to acknowledge Yongguk’s arrival, and neither man greeted each other. They were beyond civil pleasantries. Both men sat in silence for a while before the elder one lifted his head. Still looking forward, towards the water, he spoke.

“I know what you’re doing. Speaking on a personal level, I would like for you to stop doing it.”

Yongguk was not surprised. He’d been avoiding this meeting for a while precisely because he knew what was coming.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The man now turned. “As your superior, I would also prefer not to know. I think you’re smart enough to take this chance while it is being offered to you.”

Yongguk remained stoic. “With all due respect, Inspector Kang, you will need to be more specific.”

Kang Minshik’s eyes flashed dangerously. “Once some words come out of my mouth, there is no way I can retract them and feign ignorance. And if I’m forced to take legal action against you, you know I won’t hesitate to. I don’t think it’s wise for you to play this game with me.”

Yongguk said nothing for a while, although his jaw twitched just the slightest. Then, he let out a heavy breath. It was hard to pinpoint exactly what the old man meant, simply because he was doing too many things that he shouldn’t be doing as an enforcer of the law. Was he talking about the drugs? The anonymous tip-offs? The withholding of incriminating evidence? Falling in love with the target? He didn’t know, and at the moment, he didn’t really care. “I want out.”

Inspector Kang snorted, as if he’d expected this ridiculous statement. “You think you can come and go whenever you please? Is this a restaurant?”

Yongguk swallowed, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. “I can’t do it anymore. I want to quit.”

“You can’t.”

That answer was sharp and painful, although not unexpected. He had known that this was going to be the response. He had just been taking a stab in the dark.

“I…” Yongguk found his voice cracking against his will. He cleared his throat. “You said at the beginning that I could tell you if it gets too much, and you’ll find a way to extract me.” He inhaled deeply. “It’s too much. I want out, now.”

“It’s almost over,” Kang said, his voice softening. Despite everything that had happened recently, he’d always had a soft spot for this young man. Yongguk reminded him a lot of himself, many years ago. “If you just hang on a little longer, everything will be over and you can go back—”

“I can’t!” Yongguk interrupted, the anguish in his voice coming out stronger than he’d intended. “I can’t go back. Nothing can go back to the way it was before. Don’t you see?”

“Yongguk,” Kang said gently, trying to soothe the younger man’s frazzled nerves. “You need to trust me. This game is way too big for you to be running around trying to control things on your own. I know it’s incredibly difficult, and I know you’re tired. Your judgment is clouded right now. Let me help you.”

“You can’t help,” Yongguk replied, his mind racing a mile a minute. He knew what his superior wanted, but he knew that giving up that information meant endangering people that had grown to mean a lot to him. Yet, at the same time, he agreed that there was nothing he could do on his own. Everything was spiraling beyond his control, and from his position as a pawn on both sides of the board, his efforts were limited. “I want… I want to talk terms.”

“We can do that, of course,” Kang assured him. “The Police Force will naturally have your interests at heart. To the best of our ability, we will ensure that arrangements are made for you—”

“Not for me,” Yongguk cut in.

Kang’s brow furrowed. He’d had a niggling suspicion about this, but it seemed that things were worse than he’d expected. “Yongguk. They’re criminals. Your emotions are unstable right now, especially with what happened to Ji Eun, but you need to remain clear-headed at a time like this. No matter what you’re feeling, it doesn’t change the fact that they’re dangerous people who have broken the law, and they’re our targets in this operation.”

Yongguk’s head spun and his vision swam as despair overwhelmed him. “No, they’re…”

“Yongguk, you’re in way over your head.”

The voice echoed in his head, loudly repeating exactly what he already knew.

“You’re in way over your head.”

Where had he heard this before?

“You’re in way over your head.”

The voice was now feminine. He blinked in confusion, and suddenly, the person beside him was no longer Inspector Kang, but Ji Eun. He looked around, dazed. They were standing on the balcony of his apartment, and it was night. Outside, the rain was falling. The setting felt strangely familiar.

“Yongguk, are you listening to me?” Ji Eun asked impatiently, waving her hand in front of his face.

“What?” he asked, unable to fully grasp the fact that she was standing in front of him when she was supposed to be…

“I asked you if you know what you’ve just done,” Ji Eun repeated, frowning. “This is your safe house, and your actual home. Now that you’ve revealed this location to Choi Nara, you’re at risk of exposing yourself. What were you even thinking?”

“I… I wasn’t thinking,” he answered, the words coming out of his mouth without him fully being in control of them. “I only wanted to evade the cops. We couldn’t get caught with all those weapons in the car. It would put our entire operation at risk.”

“Don’t pretend you cared about the operation,” Ji Eun scoffed. “Anyone can tell that your first thought was protecting Choi Nara. You’ve developed feelings for her, haven’t you?”

Yongguk was silent.

“But here? Do you even know how dangerous your actions are? How can you come here, of all places?”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Yongguk found himself replying. “I had no choice. I can’t let anything happen to her.”

Ji Eun’s voice was strained when she forced out her next words, her eyes reflecting betrayal. “You love her that much?”

There was no hesitation from him. “Yes.”

“You’re in way over your head, Bang Yongguk. Do you even know what you’re saying?”

Suddenly, Yongguk realized when he’d had this conversation. If Ji Eun was alive, that meant that—

Without a warning, he turned and bolted from the balcony. He dashed past the entryway and looked around, only to be confronted with darkness.

No… She was supposed to be here, eavesdropping on their conversation.

His eyes flickered over the wooden crate sitting in the living room. There was no mistake. It was the night that he compromised his identity; the night that he went past the point of no return. He turned the corner and burst into his room, desperate for a glimpse of her, but the room was empty too.

No… No…

Was she hiding?

He was delirious now, his heart thumping harder with each passing second that he failed to find her. He could still hear Ji Eun’s voice behind him as he swung open the door of the bathroom.

“You’re in way over your head, Bang Yongguk.”

He knew. He just didn’t care. If he could just do something differently, anything at all, that could rewind the clock and bring her back…

“Nara!” the cry ripped from his throat as he found another room empty. “Nara! Where are you?”

He didn’t even need to speak to her or touch her. All he needed was one look… Just one glimpse…

“Nara!”

Yongguk jolted upright, having woken himself with that last desperate shout. He swung his head around, finding himself in his dark, empty room. It looked exactly like it did in his dream, except he was in bed and it wasn’t raining. The night was completely, desolately silent.

With the realization that it had all been a dream came a sinking feeling as the weight of reality set in. He sank back into his bed, feeling pangs of pain return to the hollow in his chest. There it was, that familiar pain. He had been beginning to feel like it’d left him for good, but of course, it had been wishful thinking. He closed his eyes, very much preferring to be back in his dream.

Reality felt like a dead end to him every single day, but in his dreams, no matter how small, insignificant and minute, there were possibilities.

This last dream, though… It felt like even his dreams, his last bits of solace, were leading towards dead ends.

“We are gathered here today to join this man and woman in holy matrimony…”

Nara took a deep breath as she focused on the official standing in front of her. He was a middle-aged man in a suit, reading off a few rumpled sheets of paper in a thin plastic folder, with the air of one who had a million other places he’d rather be. Whenever he looked at the couple he was marrying, his eyes betrayed his disdain and reserved judgment.

Not like she could blame him. Nara had never been the kind of girl to fantasize about a fairytale wedding, but never in her wildest dreams would she have imagined her wedding to look like this. Her tummy was the size of a watermelon, her being well into her second trimester, and both the bride and groom were dressed like they were attending a funeral instead of a wedding. Himchan was in his usual black jeans, with a white button-down and a blazer, while Nara was in a comfortable black dress with a leather jacket over it (she didn’t own any white maternity clothes since they all made her look like a whale). Daehyun had nearly flipped when she had stepped out of her room looking like this, and she’d made a concession by putting on some make-up and putting her hair up. In her hands were a hastily put-together bouquet, courtesy of Junhong who’d managed to scrounge up some decent-looking wildflowers outside the city hall. Behind them, Junhong and Daehyun looked more dressed up than the bride and groom, in their neatly pressed black pants and white blazers.

“Do you, Kim Joo Hyuk, take this woman, Cho Hye Won, to be your lawfully wedded wife…”

Nara glanced at Himchan, whose face remained stony. He’d been stoic and cold towards her ever since that night, when she’d pushed him away. He never said anything, not even to rebuke her, or to express his frustration. She knew he’d eventually forgive her, but he probably needed time.

“For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health…”

She wished they didn’t have to go through this while they were still in this state, but they’d made the appointment much earlier, and there wasn’t another available date until much later, after the baby would be born. The entire reason why they were doing this in the first place was to avoid that uncomfortable situation at the point of birth, when she didn’t have a name to fill in in the box under ‘father’.

“I do.”

Himchan’s voice cut through her thoughts. Usually, when you made this vow, it was supposed to be out of love, right? She tried to catch his eye, but he remained staring blankly ahead, as if he’d just made his vow to thin air.

“Do you, Cho Hye Won, take this man, Kim Joo Hyuk…”

For a moment, Nara almost forgot that she had to respond to that name. The entire experience was extremely weird. She was here, masquerading as someone she was not, and having to marry someone that she wasn’t supposed to. The person standing beside her wasn’t the person she was agreeing to marry; he was Kim Him Chan, her best friend, her family. Why exactly was she doing this, knowing that she would do nothing but hurt him for the rest of their sham marriage? She wanted desperately to speak to him, to ask him for the last time if he regretted making this decision, especially in the light of recent events, but he looked as determined to go through with it as one would at the last step of a particularly difficult puzzle.

“…Till death do you part?” The minister ended his speech, but Nara was still staring at Himchan. “Cho Hye Won-ssi?” He paused, waiting awkwardly for Nara to respond, until Daehyun loudly cleared his throat.

“Uh, yes,” Nara said quickly. “I mean, I do.”

The minister recovered quickly, gesturing for Junhong to present the rings. “Alright, you may exchange your wedding bands. These wedding bands will symbolize your everlasting union. Now, as you place the ring on the fourth finger of your partner’s left hand, I need you to repeat after me. With this ring, I promise you love, honor and respect…”

Himchan obeyed the minister’s instructions, sliding the simple silver band onto Nara’s finger without looking in her eyes.

“…to be faithful to you…”

He lifted his eyes momentarily as he repeated the line, and Nara felt her mind go blank at how sad he looked.

“…forsaking all others, for as long as we both shall live.”

She swallowed hard as she held his gaze, repeating the steps. Slipping the ring onto his finger made everything feel final, but for that moment, she felt no regret. In his eyes, she could only see certainty. She knew that no matter what happened, this was the one man who would never forsake her, and would love her more fiercely than any other man ever would.

It was probably unfair to him that she didn’t feel the same way, but maybe – just maybe – someday, she could learn to repay everything he’d done for her. Silently, she vowed to him that she would try.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”