[credit: www.jonqupism.tumblr.com]

Author's note:

Just a reminder - from this chapter onwards, we're going back to 3 years ago. Hope the timeline isn't confusing.

When Nara woke up, all she saw were bright lights and a white ceiling. She blinked a few times to focus her eyes, but her surroundings still remained unfamiliar to her. She tried to lift her left hand to rub her eyes, but felt a weight on it, stopping her from doing so. It shifted when she moved, and she looked down to see Himchan lifting his head groggily. He’d been holding on to her hand as he slept, his head resting on the side of the bed. She glanced around her again, and the pieces started to come together.

She was in a hospital room.

“You’re awake?” Himchan said blearily, releasing her hand as he stared at her with concern. “How are you feeling? Is there any pain?”

Nara shook her head. She was slightly disoriented, but otherwise, she felt absolutely fine. She tried to recall why she was in a hospital room, and the image of the bright flash of headlights popped into her head. Her hands immediately went to her tummy as she sat upright, looking at Himchan in panic. “How bad was the accident? Did we…”

Himchan swallowed the lump in his throat when he realized what her first concern was. “Baby’s fine,” he assured her. “That accident was intentionally staged, so none of us were hurt. We didn’t have enough time to tell you, so I think you hit your head and passed out. It’s all Jung Daehyun’s fault. If he’d told us earlier that you were pregnant, we would have taken more precautions.”

Even though she’d been considering not keeping the baby, she felt immense relief when she heard that it was fine. “I didn’t want anyone to know,” she said, leaning back. “Where’s Daehyun and Junhong?”

“They’re at the new house, getting it set up,” Himchan replied. “Your father prepared a really nice house, with acres of open land around it. It’s definitely a place where we can stay hidden for a long time.”

“So, you’re saying we’re in…”

“Daejeon,” Himchan confirmed with a small smile. “You think you would have been able to go to a hospital in Seoul?”

Nara said nothing as she slowly processed that information. It felt surreal that not too long ago, her name had so much power and influence, but now, it was something undesirable. Something that she couldn’t lay claim to. She swallowed hard. “So, this is it, huh? The start of our new lives?”

Himchan nodded. He pulled out his wallet and held out two identity cards. “I am now Kim Joo Hyuk,” he said, showing her his card. It had Himchan’s photo on it, but all the information was now new. He handed her a second card. “And this is you.”

Nara took the card from him and looked at it. Beside her photo was the name ‘Cho Hye Won’. A mixture of feelings arose within her as she took it in, but she quickly suppressed them and looked up at Himchan bravely. “When can I be discharged?”

“You had no visible injuries, but the doctors thought it would be best to keep you overnight for observation,” Himchan answered. “Since you slept through the night and you feel fine now, you should be free to go soon. I’ll call for a doctor.”

Nara nodded as Himchan stood up and left the room. She put her new ID aside and just sat there, trying to take stock of the situation. She felt strangely empty, now that she’d lost everything she’d ever owned, even her name. During the last few days she’d spent in prison, all she’d felt was pain and hurt, but now she just felt nothing. Nothing felt real to her anymore. The series of events leading up to this moment could have all been a dream for all she knew. It felt like she was born again. Maybe it was possible to put aside everything that had happened in the past and focus on living her new life. Maybe she could convince herself that she really was Cho Hye Won. The path ahead of her was full of possibilities now that Choi Nara was dead.

She looked down at her tummy, which didn’t seem as flat as she remembered, and a wave of sadness washed over her again.

Maybe. Maybe not.

On the first night in the new house, Nara couldn’t sleep.

She wandered around the house on her own while the rest of the boys were asleep, marveling at how comfortable it felt. It was a spacious two-storey house, and like Himchan had said, it sat in the middle of acres of open land. The previous owner must have used it for farming, because there were fruit trees, and rows of soil, which were now empty. If they were going to be here for a long time, she might be able to grow something later on.

The interior of the house was decorated simply, but Nara could see her father’s taste in the furnishing. Most of the furniture were dark, solid teak, in Chinese antique styles, and ornate vases, along with crystal and jade sculptures, added a touch of class. Each piece of art looked carefully selected, and thoughtfully displayed. Other than the familiar design, the house was also equipped with everything she would need to tide her over while on the run. In the study, she’d found a safe with multiple bank books from different banks in various countries, along with some precious jewelry and bars of gold. In the basement, she’d found an arsenal of weapons that could rival the one she had at home in Seoul before it was seized. It was obvious that her father didn’t just plan for this to be a temporary safe house; it was meant for her to live in.

For her to start her new life.

She could imagine her father walking through the house, supervising the design process. She could imagine Butler Lee, scurrying about, helping him get everything set up. Sometimes, when she thought about them, she imagined them living in a parallel world, going about their daily lives as usual. It felt like she was the one who’d left and gone to another world.

She moved quietly through the well-equipped kitchen, heading for the back door that she knew led to a large expanse of empty land. A small part of her felt a child-like excitement about the new house. Back in Seoul, she never had the luxury of having so much space. There, she always felt suffocated and stifled. The time she’d spent in a rural area in Thailand was the freest she’d ever felt in her life, and she longed for that feeling again. She wanted to stand in the middle of a vast, open space and feel small and insignificant. She wanted to feel, even for a few minutes, that her decisions didn’t matter, that she didn’t have to weigh the consequences and consider how it would impact others before saying or doing anything.

When she opened the door, she was surprised to see that she wasn’t the only insomniac in the house. Someone else clearly had the same idea.

“Junhong ah,” she said gently, stepping out onto the porch. “Can’t sleep too?”

Junhong looked up, startled, and she caught a glimpse of his tear-stained cheeks before he quickly turned away, wiping his face on his sleeve. Not like it made a huge difference anyway. His eyes were still puffy and his voice was raspy and thick as he greeted her. “Noona.”

Nara felt a pang in her heart as she looked at him. She’d been too consumed with her own grief to consider the impact the events of late had on the people around her. Himchan and Daehyun had been quick to adapt—they were both sound asleep and snoring up a storm—because they’d been with her for a long time, and they knew all the dangers that they had to prepare for. Junhong, on the other hand, was still a kid. The whole situation must have been terrifying for him.

“Mind if I join you?”

Junhong shook his head quickly. “No. Of course not.”

Nara was silent for a few moments, just listening to Junhong try to stifle his sniffles. When his breathing levelled and it sounded like he’d calmed down a little, she spoke softly. “Want to talk about it?”

Junhong turned to her, startled, looking as if he hadn’t expected to be spoken to. “I… Uh… I…” Then, his tears started flowing uncontrollably again. “Noona, I’m sorry… I-I didn’t… I didn’t know…”

Nara was taken aback. She reached over and lightly rubbed his back, hoping that it was a soothing gesture. “What’s wrong? Why are you apologizing?”

“Y-Yongguk hyung, he…” Junhong barely managed to get out. “You must think that I… I should have known…”

Nara felt a sinking feeling when Junhong mentioned Yongguk’s name. The other two had deliberately made sure he wasn’t ever brought up, and she’d been trying hard not to think about him, but whenever her thoughts drifted back to that man, she always had that weird feeling in her stomach—that feeling you had just before a drop on a rollercoaster. “Nobody could have known, Junhong ah.”

“But I knew him the longest,” Junhong pointed out. “I knew him for a long time before you guys. I thought I knew him. I must be the biggest idiot on earth. If I’d been more aware… I… I could have stopped it. I’m sorry I’m so stupid…”

“Nobody’s blaming you for anything,” Nara assured him. “It’s not your fault. We all thought we knew him, but he was a trained professional.” Even saying this hurt her, but she forced herself to ignore the ache in her chest. “His goal was to deceive us, and everything he did was to ensure that we didn’t catch on to his lies. We were completely defenseless. He had an unfair advantage because we were too trusting. There was no way we could have figured out that he had this grand scheme going.”

Junhong let out a shuddering exhale as he ran a hand through his hair in exasperation. “I just feel like there must have been a sign… He must have slipped up somewhere, or overlooked something. I… I lived with him. What kind of fool must I have been to not even sense anything amiss?”

Nara thought of all the times Himchan had had his suspicions about Yongguk, and how she’d put it down to jealousy, only listening to what she’d wanted to hear. Even when her own suspicions had arisen, she had been too afraid to confront him, fearing that she’d lose him. Junhong was wrong; there were many signs. She’d just chosen to turn a blind eye. “I’m the biggest fool, then,” she said hollowly. “I didn’t just live with him. I loved him. I was willing to give up everything I had for him when all along, I was only a pawn in his game. I’m the fool who can’t even tell the difference between real and fake feelings.”

Taken aback by her sudden confession, Junhong glanced guiltily at Nara, now realizing how insensitive his words had been. “That’s not what I meant, noona. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. It’s the truth. About time I admitted that.”

The two of them shared a moment of heavy silence, and that was when they knew how alike their feelings were. Both of them had had what they’d thought was a special relationship with the same man, and it was hard to come to terms with the idea that all their memories and the feelings they’d had were all part of a grand deception. They’d all felt so real; how could they be otherwise? Their inability to fully grasp the entire situation made the betrayal a harder pill to swallow.

“We can’t keep living in the shadow of what he did to us, Junhong ah,” Nara said after a long time. “Whatever happened has happened, and no amount of crying is going to change that. For the sake of ourselves and each other, we have to pick ourselves up and move on. We both have to be strong, okay?”

Junhong nodded.

“Promise?” Nara held out her pinky finger with a smile.

The corners of Junhong’s lips quirked at the childish gesture that was completely uncharacteristic of his tough noona. He linked his pinky finger with hers, and touched his thumb to hers. “Promise.”

Nara reached out to ruffle Junhong’s hair. “Now, stop crying and go get some sleep.”

Junhong smiled sheepishly and nodded, moving to get up and head inside. He stopped when he noticed that Nara wasn’t moving from her spot. “Aren’t you coming in too?”

Nara shook her head. “I slept for a really long time in the hospital, so I’m wide awake now. I’ll just stay here a little longer. I feel like I need some fresh air.”

Hesitantly, Junhong nodded. He could understand how stifled she must have felt and how much she needed the calming effect of the crisp night air. After all, he’d come out here for the same reason. “Alright. Come inside soon. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Junhong.”

As Junhong closed the door behind him, Nara looked back out towards the darkness and inhaled deeply, feeling the cool night air fill her lungs. For some reason, instead of comforting her, it only compounded the empty, hollow feeling that had been plaguing her. She looked up at the stars, and instead of feeling like her problems were diminishing, she felt even more weighted down when it reminded her of the last time she’d just sat and stargazed. It reminded her of the time she’d lain under the stars with Yongguk, making love under the moonlight.

Even despite everything, she found herself longing to return to that time. When things were simpler and Yongguk was… Yongguk.

Not an undercover cop.

Her heart constricted. Whenever she thought of him, it came with a pain that didn’t feel like it would ever dull. Like her heart was being ripped in two.

She was a fool; the biggest fool there was. Everyone else had been deceived, and they were picking up the pieces and moving on with their lives; she’d been betrayed and stabbed in the back in the worst way possible and yet, here she was, actually missing him. She was a real er for punishment.

She let out a long breath and closed her eyes, feeling completely overwhelmed by her emotions. She knew she had to get a grip and to let go of what was impossible. She knew that she had to pull herself together for the sake of the others, for they were the only people she had left in the world. She hated herself for feeling like this when she knew she wasn’t supposed to.

It just didn’t feel like her heart was ready to accept that anytime soon.

“You sure about this?” Daehyun asked for the millionth time.

Nara gritted her teeth. “If you ask me one more time, I’m going to knock you out and drive there myself.”

“Just checking.”

She eyed Daehyun, whose hands were trembling as they gripped the steering wheel. He looked as jittery as she felt. It had nothing to do with him; she was the one who was supposed to be freaking out, but he looked so pale and nervous that she somehow felt like she had to put on a strong front for him. It was a mistake letting him come along. In fact, she hadn’t wanted to tell anyone, but he’d caught her when she was leaving the house and she’d admitted that today was D-day.

It was the day that her abortion was scheduled.

She’d been intending to get it over and done with in the most nondescript of manners, which is why she’d chosen not to tell any of the boys. She’d even chosen a small women’s clinic on the outskirts of town that offered such services, afraid of all the questions and judgment she might face in a hospital. She didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. She couldn’t talk about it. She’d barely convinced herself that she had to do this, and she was afraid that being forced to say her reasons out loud would make her regret them and change her mind. However, Daehyun had insisted on driving her, pointing out that she might have problems driving herself home after the procedure, and she’d relented.

It was a decision that she was now regretting. She’d very much prefer dragging herself home bleeding to sitting there watching Daehyun have a mental breakdown over something that didn’t even involve him.

They finally reached the clinic without Nara killing Daehyun first, and as they stood in front of the entrance, both of them hesitated. Nara swallowed hard, now feeling the fear that she’d been suppressing. She’d been confident about her decision when she’d done her research and made the appointment, but now that she was about to enter the clinic, doubts were starting to flood her mind. She’d read about complications; she’d read about the pain and the bleeding; she’d even read about post-abortion depression. None of these had fazed her earlier, but now, they suddenly seemed like hurdles she couldn’t overcome. Her legs felt like lead, weighing her down and stopping her from moving any further.

Her stupor was broken by the touch of something warm on her hand. She glanced at Daehyun, only to see that he was paralyzed with fear. His shaking hand reached for hers, and as he grabbed her hand, she could feel how sweaty his palms had gotten.

“Why the hell are you more afraid than me?” she asked incredulously, her fear momentarily forgotten at the absurdity of his behavior.

“This is my worst nightmare,” he replied, sounding like he was struggling to keep his voice steady. He gripped her hand tighter. “Remember ed classes in middle school? They used to show us all these pictures of the equipment used in abortions and all those bloody, abandoned fetuses. Since then, I sometimes have nightmares of all those aborted babies. That traumatized me for life.”

Nara rolled her eyes at him. “Ironically, that didn’t stop you from shoving your up half the female population in Seoul.”

“I did no such thing,” Daehyun protested indignantly. “And I’m always safe, by the way. I’ve never gotten a girl pre—” his words died out on his tongue as he read her venomous glare. “Yeah, okay, I’m a man-. I sleep around and ruin women’s lives… and yes, I will shut up right now.”

Nara sighed. “Why did you come with me if you’re so scared?”

“I didn’t want you to go through it alone,” Daehyun pointed out, his voice softening. “You can’t possibly ask Junhong because he’s a fetus himself, and I know Himchan hyung can be a bit… over-bearing. I’m the only one who can share the burden with you.”

Nara smiled, feeling touched by his thoughtfulness. She could always count on Daehyun to have her back. She punched him jokingly in the arm. “Then why does it feel that I’m sharing your burden instead?”

Daehyun in a deep breath, fanning himself with one hand. “I’m sorry, I didn’t expect to feel this way. I’ll get over it.”

Nara eyed him skeptically. “You sure? I can go in myself. You can just wait in the car.”

“No,” Daehyun insisted resolutely. “I can do it.” He squeezed her hand tightly. “Let’s go.”

Despite her doubts, Nara decided that she was going to take his word for it. If she questioned him further, he might back out, and to be absolutely honest, she didn’t feel entirely up to going in alone. They entered the clinic together, and as she squeaked out her fake name and handed over her ID at the reception counter, the middle-aged receptionist gave her a slow once-over that reeked of disapproval. It had obviously been a mistake to think that choosing a nondescript clinic would mean less judgment.

Nara sat down on a hard plastic bench to fill in the forms she had been given, and Daehyun grabbed a flyer before joining her. A few moments passed as Nara meticulously filled in the forged particulars that she’d newly acquired. Then, the silence was broken by Daehyun’s remark.

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

Nara peered over at the flyer in his hand and saw a photograph of a horrifying long metal contraption.

“Are they really going to put this up your… you know?” he whispered loudly in horror.

She quickly snatched it out of his hand before glaring at him. “Stop.”

“Why are you doing this?” Daehyun asked with a sigh. He gestured at their surroundings. “And here, no less, not even in a proper hospital. What if there are complications? Do you know the risks?”

“Don’t you think I’ve done my own research before coming out here?” she hissed at him. “If you’re not going to be supportive, why don’t you just wait outside?”

“I’m trying to be supportive,” Daehyun argued. “I just want you to be sure that you’re going to put yourself through something like that for the right reasons.” He in a deep breath and exhaled slowly before finally asking the question that had been weighing on his mind. “Why do you want to get rid of it so badly?”

Nara swallowed the lump in before looking up and meeting Daehyun’s eyes. “I can’t raise a child,” she said, sounding as if she were begging him to confirm her statement. “We’re fugitives.”

“We’re not,” Daehyun refuted. He lowered his voice. “We’re legally dead. We have whole new lives ahead of us, ready for us to rewrite any way we wish. And you have three of us to help you. Why can’t we raise a child?”

“I never wanted it,” Nara pointed out. “It was an accident, created out of deceit. Why would I keep a child like that?”

“I’m not going to argue about the circumstances in which it happened,” Daehyun said. “Either ways, it happened, and no matter how much you hate that guy, there’s a life growing inside your body. Not his. I don’t want you to make your decision because of him. He’s out of the equation and we’re never going to see him again. You’re entitled to do what you want since it’s your body, but ask yourself if you honestly want to go through with this, or if you’re just doing it out of spite.”

Nara dropped her head, staring at the floor so she didn’t have to meet Daehyun’s burning gaze. She didn’t want to admit that Yongguk was one of the main reasons why she wanted an abortion. Not because she hated him, like Daehyun thought, but because her heart still pined for him, and she needed to get rid of that feeling. She wanted to rid herself of anything that reminded her of him, so that she could finally free herself from his shackles and get on with her life.

“He doesn’t even know,” Daehyun continued when he saw that she wasn’t answering. He knew that he was getting through to her. “You’re the one who’s potentially going to have sleepless nights, wracked with guilt, wondering what would life be like if you’d had your child. He’s going to continue living his life, and you’re going to have to deal with this pain alone.”

Nara felt her eyes fill with tears. He was right. The pain wasn’t going to go away even if she got rid of the baby. It was just going to morph into another kind of pain, one that she wasn’t sure she was equipped to deal with after all that she’d already been through. She had to make the decision that was best for herself. But how could she be sure that keeping the child was going to be a better idea? She hadn’t even considered it. If it turned out to be a bad decision, there was no way she could reverse it.

Daehyun continued studying Nara as she struggled with herself. He could tell that she was conflicted, and he considered that a good thing. He didn’t want her to be making major decisions while blinded by her hatred and anger. Even if she eventually did go through with this, he wanted her to be sure that it was what she really wanted.

He casually crossed his arms and leaned back. “But hey, what do I know? It’s not like I’ve ever been pregnant. If you think that this will be the best for yourself and help you start life on a clean slate, then go ahead. If you want to think about it a little more, we can always come back another day.”

Before Nara could come up with an answer, a cold, clipped voice rang out loudly in the hushed silence of the clinic.

“Cho Hye Won-ssi! The doctor will see you now.”

Nara turned to look at the receptionist in horror, before turning to Daehyun, who merely shrugged at her.

“It’s your choice.”

Nara swallowed hard, looking down at the forms in her lap. She’d barely even gotten through half the questions, most of which aimed to determine her level of certainty about the procedure she was about to undergo. Suddenly, she wasn’t so sure anymore.

“I can’t.”

Grabbing Daehyun’s hand, she stood in such a rush that the forms fluttered off her lap and onto the floor. She barely even took notice as she pulled Daehyun to his feet and dragged him towards the door, ignoring the irate calls of the receptionist.

Without another look back, they fled.