The thought of seeing Kyuhyun again made Donghae feel threatened but at the same time, he couldn’t just skip out on attending Ryeowook and Yesung’s anniversary party. Ryeowook was already kind enough to forgive him for leaving for a year without telling him. Knowing Ryeowook, the latter was going easy on him. Ryeowook usually wasn’t that forgiving.

Donghae put on something simple – Jeans and a white button-up shirt. This would keep all eyes off him, hopefully. He knew that everyone else would probably be dressed up fancily but Donghae was over that stage. Expensive clothes, trying to outshine others, getting hopelessly drunk, going home and sleeping with random strangers… Those were all in the past.

The party was held at a ballroom at a luxurious hotel. Donghae was greeted with fancy silver and purple decorations the minute he stepped into the party venue. It wasn’t a wild party but it was rather classy and everyone was dressed up elegantly. In the past, it was usually Donghae who would turn things around and get the party started. Now, Donghae would rather step in the sidelines and just… Stay away from anything party-related.

Donghae spotted Ryeowook from afar, talking to some people he recognized from school and walked towards him. He couldn’t help but feel like he was being watched. He knew that Gossip Guy had made a blog post about him getting back. He had read all the comments everyone had sent into Gossip Guy regarding their speculations as to why he left. None of them were true but that didn’t mean that there were any less hurtful.

“Ryeowook,” Donghae softly called.

Ryeowook looked up from his friends and a huge smile grazed his lips, he jumped up from his seat and strutted over to Donghae, leaning in and pressing his cheeks against Donghae’s. It was their usual way of greeting but it felt awkward for Donghae, not having done it with Ryeowook or anyone else for a whole year.

“You’re here!” Ryeowook exclaimed, his high-pitched voice a little too high and a little too fake. But Donghae knew better than to comment on it. Ryeowook was probably just doing all of this for show since everyone else was watching them. “I was starting to think that you won’t be coming!”

Donghae smiled and handed Ryeowook a small gift, “Here, I got this for you. Happy Anniversary.”

Ryeowook beamed and took the present from him, “Thank you! That’s so sweet of you!”

“I hope there’s one for me too.”

A rough voice surprised Donghae as he turned around. Ryeowook grinned and wrapped his hand around his boyfriend’s waist, both of them looking incredibly handsome in their gold-coloured matching suits. From how they looked, you would think that this was their wedding night. Donghae however, awkwardly smiled.

“Sorry Yesung,” Donghae apologized, “I didn’t know what to get you.”

Yesung smiled, “I was just kidding, Hae.”

Donghae nodded quickly and then shifted from one foot to another. The awkwardness was starting to get to him and he felt oddly uncomfortable. Donghae shifted his gaze from the couple to the others and realized that they were all being watched.

“I… Uh…” Donghae cleared his throat, “I think I need to go to the gents so…”

Ryeowook nodded and then returned to talking to his other guests while Donghae quickly retreated out of the hall. Instead of going to the gents however, he made a turn and stepped outside into a mini garden in the hotel. He walked through it sighing every now and then as he tried to calm his racing heart.

This was too much and the guilt was eating him up. It didn’t matter that a year had already passed. Donghae would never be able to live his life normally.

“Donghae…”

Donghae spun around, startled. He begun panicking and looked around ensuring that no one else was around as his companion came closer to him.

“What do you want?” Donghae asked seriously.

The rough and usually confident voice sounded soft and calm as he simply said, “I… I came here to talk to you.”

“Yesung… There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Yes, Hae. We need to talk about a lot of things.” Yesung sighed and then took in a deep breath, “I missed you and I’m glad you’re back.”

When Yesung took a step closer, Donghae took a step back and held out his hand. “Please… Don’t.”

“Hae,” Yesung begun quietly, “You’re back now and I think it’s time we-”

“I didn’t come back for you.” Donghae snapped, eyes glinting with fresh tears. “I didn’t come back for you, Yesung.”

Frustrated Donghae took a couple of steps back and run his fingers through his hair, “Look... Ryeowook is my best friend and you’re his boyfriend and that’s how things will always be.”

Yesung looked conflicted. His eyes shone with so much hurt and at the same time, guilt and frustration. Donghae hated seeing his friend like this but that was all there is when it came to Yesung. A friend.   

“Hae… We can get through this.” Yesung tried conviving and Donghae felt like pulling his hair out of frustration.

“There is no we.” Donghae corrected Yesung, “Yesung… I’ve no feelings for you. At all. I’m… I’m sorry if I made you feel like I did but… That night…. You knew perfectly that I was drunk.”

Yesung looked like he had just been slapped in the face. Donghae, on the other hand, did not regretted saying those words out. He had to draw the line clearly to Yesung. He had to remind the other that whatever that happened between them was just a mistake. Nothing more, nothing less. When Yesung made no other attempt of continuing the conversation, Donghae shook his head.

“I shouldn’t have come, I’m sorry.” Donghae apologized quietly, “I’m leaving. Happy Anniversary. Tell Ryeowook that I’ll meet him in school.”

***

Just once.

Donghae needed a drink. Badly. He needed to escape the guilt and stress that was eating him alive.  In fact, this was the only reason why he had to leave town. He couldn’t deal with the guilt that suffocated him. Donghae fragged himself into the hotel’s bar and then ordered a beer from the bartender. Just this once, just for tonight. He needed to get wasted.

Donghae smile bitterly as he drank up his beer. He had missed this. The bitter taste of alcohol, the shift in emotions in his body, the cloud of guilt slowly disappearing in his mind. But after some time, the slight buzzing was not enough. He needed more and so, he raised his hand. Words didn’t have to be uttered. The bartender knew him anyway. He was here so often that a year being gone was