Taehyung's eyes snap open at exactly three a.m when he discovers a fatal flaw to operation zero-two-four-seven-three.

It's not like Taehyung can't sleep because he's been spending the last few hours scheming up brilliant plans to spring on Jungkook or anything. That'd be weird. No, he's just... brainstorming. Filling in the gaps that come naturally to him. He's a schemer right to the core and he can't just turn that off.  

It's too late to commit his plan of attack without getting a fist in his gut for waking the maknae up so he bides his time until the next night rolls around. Contrary to what the others may think, Taehyung does have some survival skills.

He whips out his phone when they've gotten home and punches furiously at the screen.  

To: Jungslave
2:07

come to my room asap its a matter of dire importance

From: Jungslave
2:08

im literally 2 rooms down why are u texting me????????     

To: Jungslave
2:08

I aske for your presence, not your comments. Hurry hurry hurry  

hurrryhhruyy hury hurrhyhuryy  

hurry hurht

hurry

From: Jungslave
2:08

please stop  

im coming ffs

what did I do to deserve this its 2am  

To: Jungslave
2:09

Im your hyung brat

From: Jungslave
2:12

🖕

He receives the last message just as Jungkook stumbles through the door, eyes puffy with sleep. "I'm actually going to fight you," he says and Taehyung supresses the urge to groan because Jungkook's not sticking with the script he'd worked out in his head last night (not that Taehyung had told Jungkook, but they were best friends! Best friends were supposed to be able to read each other's minds! He's so offended).   

"Jungkookie," he croons, beckoning the younger with his finger.  

Jungkook really does look like he's about to commit an act of concerning violence but eventually just deflates and approaches.  

Jimin's already snoozing away, his mouth hanging wide open, one leg splayed up against the wall. Taehyung's mildly impressed by his flexibility. Hoseok's on his phone still, sitting up, not really sparing anything more than a quick glance in Jungkook's direction before fading them out of his concentration, seemingly. But Taehyung knows Hoseok, and Hoseok's always watching. He's confident that if the older were born as an animal he'd be a hawk—more likely a vulture, actually. He's always just waiting for the right time to strike, when all the drama has been had and he can pick off the remnants without actually getting himself involved in the kill.

"You've heeded my summons, young one," Taehyung starts, but drops the act when he sees Jungkook's fist twitch. He's been going to the gym lately and his muscles are worryingly big these days. He clears his throat. "Uh, anyway. I'm sleeping with you tonight."

The room's pretty dark, only a small lamp left lit, but Taehyung swears he can see Hoseok's eyebrow raising slowly.

Jungkook takes this in before saying, very, very slowly, "you called me here... because you wanted to sleep in my bed. In my room."

Taehyung types out a sneaky text

To: Jungslave
2:14

If u dont play along I wont pocket heal u as mercy on overwatch anymoer

hobis watching

"Well, Namjoon's probably asleep already right?" He says back, equally slowly. The implications settle in the air and Jungkook finally looks like he's getting the gist of the situation.  

"Well, I guess my room does have more privacy," he says, putting way too much emphasis on the last word. He says it dramatically like he's performing in some kind of play and Taehyung makes a mental note to teach the damn boy how to act. "For, you know, private things."

Hoseok chokes.

Taehyung just thanks his lucky stars that his hyung's a bit slow past twelve o'clock and doesn't realise that Jungkook's a ing idiot. Small miracles.  

 They scurry out of the room together, leaving Hoseok to come to whatever conclusion his sleep deprived brain took him to.

"So what's the hap," Jungkook asks when they make it to his room. Namjoon is, predictably, snoring away like a chainsaw in overdrive, so deep asleep that maybe even Jesus himself couldn't wake the man.   

Taehyung closes the door and folds his arms taking a 'very serious' stance. "I was thinking about it last night, and what kind of couple sleeps apart, right? If we're trying to sell this for real we can't just spring something on each other every now and again and hope for the best, we've got to live the part. It's called method acting."  

Jungkook rubs at his chin thoughtfully. "You make a valid point, honey bear." Taehyung kind of wants to clip the boy. "But like, I'm feeling some inconsistencies in our story here. We got caught sleeping together by Seokjin and it was supposed to be like 'omg! How could this happen!'  but now we're sleeping together like... every night?"

"Jungkook, that is precisely why we're going to be sleeping together every night." Taehyung can tell he's not really following so he carries on. "So we got caught once right and got all teary about it and , so now we've got to pretend that it wasn't a big deal by sleeping together every night. Imagine, say, we were really dating. We'd have realised that we overreacted too much and now we've gotta do the reverse effect where it's like, yeah we're sleeping in the same bed, so what?"  

Taehyung does not mention that he's making this up on the fly because now that Jungkook's bringing up the whole inconstancy angle, he realises he's kind of right. Taehyung refuses to admit this out loud though. It's not like he really wants to sleep in his friends bed every night or anything because when he's sleeping next to Jungkook he always gets the best nights sleep and wakes up feeling warm and full because he's got someone next to him breathing in slowly with their face squished into the pillow looking so relaxed and peaceful that it makes him feel at peace... nothing like that. No.  

Just.  

He doesn't want to admit Jungkook's right, is all.  

Jungkook ponders this for a long moment before nodding. "This makes almost no sense but it sounds kind of right?"

Don’t realise I just wanna sleep in bed with you  don’t realise I just wanna sleep in bed with you dontrealiseijustwannasleepinbedwithyou dontrealiseijustwannasleepinbedwithyou dontrealiseijustwannasleepinbedwithyou dontrealiseijustwannasleepinbedwithyou

Taehyung's mind is a ing traitor and he's gonna take it to court.

Taehyung just about flies onto the bed, spread eagling right in the middle of the single mattress and taking up all the room. "I get this side."

"Har-har" Jungkook barks sarcastically before physically removing Taehyung from his space with hard kick.  

"You're such a spoilt sport," Taehyung pouts, sidling up to the wall for comfort. At least the wall doesn't kick him.

"My bed, my rules," Jungkook announces before collapsing in a heap.  

Taehyung starts stripping off his clothes and Jungkook eyes him warily when his fingers find the band of his boxers and start to tug. Jungkook catches his hand and says, "uh, what're you doing?"

Taehyung shrugs and continues to try pull his boxers down but the younger's got a tough grip, that muscle mania. "It's hot. I sleep when it's hot."  

"No you absolutely do not. We established this like, ten seconds ago. My bed, my rules."

"But Jungkook."

"But nothing."

Taehyung grumbles and buries himself into the blankets with a huff. "I'll probably end of taking them off in the night anyway. I always do."

"Kim Taehyung," Jungkook warns, skipping any honorifics, "I will kick you out of this bed. Don't think that I won't."

"Sure," Taehyung says with a yawn. "Cool. Anyway, come here." Taehyung's turned over on his side and now faces Jungkook, moving into prime spooning position.    

Jungkook eyes the pro-offered body-spoon with narrowed eyes. "Hyung, I'm not ing spooning you. I still have my pride."

Taehyung ignores his buzzing complaints and pulls him close, fitting himself around the younger. He's warm and firm in Taehyung's grip, and although he was being a little about it he melts right into his touch and presses back against him until there isn't even a centimetre left between them. "It looks authentic," he whispers to the maknae who's tucked his head underneath Taehyung's chin. "And who said spooning wasn't cool?"

Jungkook grumbles indiscernibly until he evidently gives up and takes a deep breath. "Whatever. Night, hyung."

Taehyung presses a small kiss to the crown of his head before settling his hands around his waist. "Good night." 

A/N: For those who aren't familiar with games/overwatch, basically tae is saying he won't pocket heal him which is like focusing your healing only on one person, people usually do it when they play with their friends to get better scores and such ^^