Jessica took a step forward done agonizingly and crossed that threshold, afraid she’d risk Yoona to make two steps back. She’s put on a brave face driving to her school, but once she turned around and laid her eyes on Yoona, all she could front is the undeniable shame.   She added another step and Jessica is already counting on Yoona to order her to stop whilst pulling a hand up to shield herself from Jessica’s intrusion.   There’s not a grin on her face that initially peeved Jessica. Yoona’s face is shaded of somber and a mixture between lost and confusion like the one she had at the hospital when she was demanding to go home.   Then it dawned on her. Did Yoona even want to see her? The question didn’t come up while she dropped reasons after reasons that she’s about to do something already long overdue. No, she just waltzed in here without Yoona’s knowledge as if a surprise visit is supposed to lead her path to forgiveness.   Jessica watched out for that hand. She could probably live her life again once Yoona had pushed her away, which Jessica thought she had every right of retribution to do. She could probably bear a little pain later because, at least, she won’t have to try anymore and go through the long process of mediation with Yoona. Then, Jessica probably won’t see her ever again because Yoona would ask to see a different doctor.   Go away, Jessica imagined Yoona telling her that with so much grave carried in every letter and she might just follow as told, thinking that’s the only good favor she’ll be doing for the girl.   But vintage Jessica always tried to do the right thing. She wanted to do the right thing - even though she felt the need for her approach to get sabotaged so she can avoid the complicated parts.   Jessica made a conscious effort to bring out her hand from the safety of her pocket. “Hey.” She said, fingers waving awkwardly, and the greeting couldn’t even be more louder. She anticipated their meeting to painfully begin with a sorry instead of hey. “It’s me, Sooyeon.”   “Yeah, I kinda figured that out when I walked out of your clinic.”   It’s a joke. Yoona made a joke. It’s done in the most apathetic tone but it is a joke.   “Is it...is it okay if we take a seat?” Jessica asked, not thinking clear the words that succeeded. “I feel like you’re about to run off somewhere.”   “That’s quite ironic, don’t you think?”   Another joke intoned of innuendo that Jessica allowed to sink into her. This is Yoona. A cheeky one, but you did something bad. Do not get angry. She chanted while a brisk laughter ensued in the middle of her sentence to drone out the white noise. “That’s...that’s very funny.”   Yoona tipped her head over the bench. “Shall we?”   Jessica somehow froze, knees going stiff. Yoona is willing to talk to her and she’s not quite ready, she realized. Her instinct told her to move about. As Yoona trudged closer, Jessica clambered on her feet and her rattled hands left her side. Yoona relinquished her crutches once Jessica offered and are inclined securely against the bench near Jessica’s side.   Jessica sat down, almost right on the edge of the cold metal bench, a bit far away from Yoona as she’s unsure where to really position herself in this conversation and what she currently is to Yoona. Is she a friend? Is she a sad memory Yoona would rather keep behind closed doors with titanium locks? Yoona might not be impressed by the unannounced visit and invading her space like this despite the radius Jessica observed.   She breathed and it didn’t do its job to soothe her nerves. She rehearsed all things she could squeeze within the five minutes of travel from the hospital to Yoona’s school and nothing sounded appropriate enough. It’s so out of Jessica’s character to act on something brash when all her life, she managed to do things by drafting plans.   “A-are you mad?” She cautiously asked, head lowered and her knees pinned together as she played with her fingers atop her lap.   Maybe testing the waters would do okay, gauge the severity of the estrangement she caused and she started with what she soon deduced as an officially stupid question and she got worse when she began saying more. This is the exact reason why she usually preps herself instead of diving headfirst like today.   “Of course you are mad. You left before I get to say some sense.” She could just mentally slap her face, eyes shut close. “I didn’t really write down a speech for you and just came here in the middle of my shift. God, I thought it’s gonna be easy to, to barge right into it. Maybe just simply say I’m sorry and…” She backtracked. Words coming out incoherently like an unstoppable barrage that drowned Jessica in the heaps of it, antiquated habit difficult to break whenever she’s nervous and unprepared. A heap of breath she held on is released, relieving the constrict that developed in her lungs. “I’m not sure where and how to begin and I think I’m also talking too much.”   Her voice deteriorates, replaced by the strong register of coherence in Yoona’s words amplified thru the concrete walls and high ceilings surrounding them. “You had to leave. You had dreams to pursue. I’m not mad at you for doing that.”   The anxiousness inside her came to a drought when Yoona spoke. Jessica felt throes in her chest as she got drawn by the gray in Yoona’s brown eyes that held no hesitation to turn away and refuse Jessica to look into them.   “You’re not...not what?” She tripped on her words.   “I’m not mad.” Yoona courteously handed clarity again with a voice that eased Jessica, but the ambivalence is still present. “I don’t exactly remember what I felt that day. Until now, I’m not sure how to feel about this. I guess I was sad and unhappy when you left, but time flew and it looked like I was mad yesterday but it was mostly out of shock. I don’t normally bump into familiar faces and to think it happened in the last place I’d go hang.” She chuckled. “It was unimaginable, that’s why I walked away. I don’t react well to those situations.” It was partly evident from her unruly behaviour back at the emergency ward. “Honestly,” Yoona winced in hesitation. “I never expected to see you or in any time or instance in the future, like ever. You were gone for years. We never talked then you’re suddenly...there.”   “I understand.” Her voice drifted, a lodge forming in that pushed down her heart to abysmally sink in the deepest pit of her stomach. Jessica has complete understanding and she’s overcoming to accept that. She did a horrible thing to a child. Her thoughts wandered very briefly how much of that seared to Yoona’s mind. To top it all off, her apology took thirteen years in the making. She pondered whether she should just leave now. Some closure is enough to get her to take off and leave it be. But Yoona didn’t look like she wanted her to go nor is she repulsed of her presence.   “I just had this hope before that you’d care enough to stay in touch.”   “I am truly sorry.” Jessica said it again.   “I know you are.”   “We’re okay then?” Jessica probed Yoona to reaffirm.   “No hard feelings.”   She was prepared for Yoona to throw her out the very second she sees her. Jessica didn’t ready herself to process an amicable exchange coming from Yoona. Jessica forgot how good hearted Yoona is, blinded by the animosity the girl must have towards her that’s proven to be non-existent.   Yoona smiled a little as she watched the carefree settle on Jessica’s face. The heft she bore started to feel less and less. Jessica’s eyes are slack and passive, and they don’t seem to leave Yoona.   “Is there something on my face?” Yoona wondered cluelessly, instantly shooting a hand up to search for whatever got Jessica to stare long.   “No. Nothing.” Her wrist jerked awkwardly, laughing amidst. “You’re just….you’re really tall.” She said overwhelmingly.   “I get that a lot. The only explanation I have is puberty.”   “I can’t believe you used to be the little Yoong,” The nickname has resurged again. Nobody has called her that in years. “that I put to bed at night and bathe after playing at the park. You even peed in our pool.” Yoona evidently blushed at that. “And now,” Jessica hissed. “you are….”   The rest that followed is covered of a long, dragging a sigh in lieu of the blanks or the lack thereof to fill them with actual words. Jessica has missed a lot of details about everything that has gone and been going with Yoona’s life. She believed their parents are still in contact for business matters, but she never really talked to them (mostly because she avoided being in their line of sight) so she wouldn’t have heard anything about Yoona.   It wasn’t easy living overseas. Alone, too. People carry this misconception that studying abroad makes living appear glamorous when most of the time, it felt like especially when you have existential conundrums and fraught ties with your parents thrown into the mix. Maybe she can tell that to Yoona someday. She’s got tons of questions to ask her and tons of things to say to her.   “I actually thought you’re here to go full doctor on me because I did a bit of soccer and I don’t know if coach told you or not ‘cause if she did, you’re one heck of a fast-”   “It’s alright.” Jessica said. “I did read her message while waiting here. It was one kick. I’ll let it slide. And the fact that I owe you.”   “You do owe me.” Yoona donned a cocky smile, signifying their truce. Just when Jessica’s opinion of her have made a 360 degree turn, in a flash, she’s back to that annoying brat machine - one that she might be bound to like later. It’s Yoona, afterall.   “I brought you something.” Jessica ecstatically informed, fingers-crossed that Yoona still has her sweet tooth as she picked up the lollipop from the inside pocket of her coat. “I came here in rush while I’m in my shift so I couldn’t get you a better gift.” It was too late to realize how cheap she’s being by giving her a candy that came straight from one of the drawers of her clinic and actually redeeming the gesture by going for the ‘It’s the thought that counts’ entendre. “I’m guessing you still have the knack for this?”   “I do.” Yoona’s eyes landed to Jessica’s fingers that gently but efficiently unwrapped the seal of the candy. “You don’t have to....”   Jessica abruptly stopped, becoming aware of her action upon Yoona’s remark. “Oh my god. I’m sorry. I used to unwrap this for you so I assumed that you still can’t-”   “Still true. It’s just that I can ask someone else because it’s kind of embarrassing that I can’t ever eat the damn thing on my own.”   “Really?” Her tone lilt, followed by an amused smile.   “I always tear the plastic apart on all sides and when I’ve taken most of them out….”   “Some are left sticking on the candy.” Jessica finished off her sentence. Yoona nodded.   “I haven’t eaten much of that lately.” The hunger laced over Yoona’s voice, her lips.   Jessica couldn’t believe the person in front of her right now. She was this intense, impatient and grumpy who turned out to be annoying and chirpy the next few days, a stark opposite of the sweet, loving, shy but clingy little girl she knew. Absence does that. People change, it’s inevitable, but when you weren’t in it, the people around you don’t only change - they become strangers to you. But there’s still a trace of Yoona that remained the way it was, a part that Jessica remembered to know about her so well. That should be a start and catching up doesn’t sound that difficult anymore.   “You want me to keep going?”   “I’d love to, Jessica.”  


  Jessica flipped through her patients’ boards at the nurse station, signing clearances and release forms at six in the evening. Everyone’s having their breaks, going out for dinner and some of her colleagues have turned up for work for the night shift.   The day ran moderately but Jessica still barely met the scheduled time to visit the rooms and wards and run follow ups of her outside patients in the afternoon and fit in reports that are due for yesterday - just one of the consequences for getting out during her shift, coping with the remainder of her uncrossed tasks. It is never easy for Jessica to cut her work short and slack whenever she felt like to. There’s a reason she has a schedule because it meant she should stick to them.   One of the day shift interns, rounded from the back door. He’s already worn his backpack and dressed in civilian clothing. His shift might have just ended.   “Hey, Jamie.”  One of the day shift interns rounded from the back door. He’s already worn his backpack and dressed in civilian clothing. His shift might have just ended. She called his attention while fixing the papers intact and placing them behind the counter for Anna, the appointed nurse in the station, to retrieve and assort with the rest of documents up for submission. Her work is mostly done and she can take off for a meal. “thanks again for covering. I would be lost today without your help.”   The designated nurses can’t easily fill for Martha. Like Jessica, they are as packed of duties which didn’t allow them to switch places if needed by the residents. Unlike the interns who are more flexible in time of emergencies.   “It’s totally cool, Doctor Jung.” He gave her thumbs up and patted her shoulder before heading for the elevator. There’s a long line of interns who’d volunteer for Martha’s spot whenever she’s absent, but the position is exclusive for Jamie. He’s Jessica’s go-to person at times of Martha’s absence.   Jessica did not favor different people replacing Martha. The necessary adjustments only contribute a deadweight and a complete waste of time. Some of the interns, being young and all, drowning with the weirdest of trends in pop culture, might only be interested in the kink undertones of intense doctor and clumsy intern working together. Jessica is hot, that’s a known fact and that she’s heard stories and figments they have regarding her looking too pretty in scrubs. She shared no interest to an elaborate and explicit version.   Jessica’s work ethic is quite famous, making her known as Hardcore Jessica. Even the newbies are giddy to just be in a room with her and watching her being a well-versed professional. The enthusiasm is appealing to Jessica but she wouldn’t denting her routine and the carefully set out chronology of her day. It’s only Jamie who so far showed competence to be in rhythm with Jessica’s quick beats and non-stop instructions. As token, he got to earn a good recommendation from Jessica and some reputation amongst his colleagues.   “I’ll see you tomorrow?” Jessica asked, wanting to be sur