The sun shone on Xuanyis’ still body. She lay splayed out in her bed, heart beating fast and anxiety coursing through her body. She tossed over and over, even tried shoving her face in her pillow but the dread of the nearing talk with her girlfriend loomed over her. She felt sick, there was no way else to describe it. She’d been up for hours waiting for the doorbell to ring to announce her girlfriends presence. At the time, kissing Luda was something she didn’t think twice about. She’d forgotten how her actions would affect other people, mainly she’d forgotten the most important person in her life and how she might react to her girlfriend kissing her roommate.

If Xuanyi were Bona, she’d hate her, maybe not hate because she didn’t think Bona was capable of hating anyone. The girl didn’t even hate Exy. But she knew that hearing about this would make her girlfriend at least a bit resentful. She’d been trying to figure out how to explain to Bona how things went down with Luda all night without saying “it isn’t what is sounds like.”

The doorbell to the Babe Cave rang and Xuanyi was sure her heart stopped. She couldn’t do it, she’d just pretend nothing ever happened hide under her covers and die. Maybe she was being dramatic but she really couldn’t bring herself to get out of bed. The doorbell rang once more before she heard one of her housemates answer it. She guessed it was Luda, unless Eunseo had gotten up awhile ago and she’d just not heard over her heart beating louder than the birds chirping outside.

The soft knocks that came at her door hurt, she sank deeper in her bed pulling the covers over her head. She rarely cried, it came at strange moments like when a song hit too deep or animals were hurt. But she cried after hearing the knocks she refused to let Bona hear her so she cried silently to herself while the door opened.

“Xuanyi,” Bona whispered from the side of her bed, “We have school in an hour you gotta get up.”

Bona nudged Xuanyi’s presumably asleep body trying to wake the girl, not noticing that Xuanyi was already awake. The girl lay curled on her side covers over her head, figuring she was still asleep Bona decided to lay next to her and wait till she woke up on her own. Being close to Xuanyi was always enjoyable for her.

In an instant Xuanyi could feel a comfortable arm draped over her waist and the warmth from her girlfriends chest against her back. The wet tears burnt down her cheeks she’d have to tell Bona there was no way she couldn’t. She uncovered her head peeking out and wiped her tears, it took everything in her to turn her body out of Bona’s arms.

“Good morning sleepyhea-,” Bona stopped short worry replacing her cheery demeanor at the tear streaked face of her girlfriend.

“Hi,” Xuanyi whispered trying to steady her voice.

“What’s wrong?”

Xuanyi stared at Bona’s eyes that were actively searching her own for answers. She took a deep breath.

“Xuanyi?”

She let her breath out slowly preparing herself for the worst. Her lips shook but with Bona expectant she wouldn’t be able to stall.

“I kissed Luda yesterday, before you think I did it to hurt you listen I really didn’t think on my action before I did it. Also Luda had no idea I was going to do it. Remember how I told you that Luda doesn’t know how she feels and keeps forcing herself into being someone she so clearly isn't? Well I got tired of waiting for her to realize on her own especially after her and Eunseo slept together yesterday night and I saw Eunseo run out of Luda’s room early in the morning so I just had a lot of questions I’m really sorry Jiyeon,” Xuanyi rambled off, when she was done she was breathless.

Bona blinked at Xuanyi, she didn’t speak for a while processing everything the visibly fidgety girl in front of her said. So her girlfriend kissed someone to help them realize what they might possibly want? She could understand what Xuanyi’s intentions were she wouldn’t deny that, she just didn’t exactly appreciate Xuanyi kissing Luda but if it helped what was going on then she didn’t mind it.

“Okay,” Bona spoke softly.

She brushed away a few hairs from Xuanyi’s face before cupping Xuanyi’s face in her hands. She pressed their foreheads together, the silence in the room and the warmth from the sun made Bona smile. They didn’t have very many serene moments like this, she temporarily forgot what was going on taking all of it in.

“I love you Xuanyi, I know you would never try to hurt me,” Bona pulled away from Xuanyi to look at her better, “you do crazy things for people you care about it’s one of the reasons I fell for you in the first place.”

Bona tilted Xuanyi’s chin up placing a chaste kiss on her lips.

“You’re not mad at me,” Xuanyi asked confused.

“I thought about it, I don’t like that you kissed Luda but I think I understand why you would’ve.”

“Was she a good kisser,” Bona pressed amused.

“Luda? Yeah she was but it didn’t feel nice because our mouths didn’t fit together.”

“So you used tongue?”

“I’m sorry.”

“No I’m just wondering, so did she kiss back?”

“She started to for a bit, but that’s when I ended it, it lasted like 3 minutes.”

“You’re such a tease, so I’m trying to make sense of this Luda likes girls, mainly a girl aka Eunseo and You kissed her to make her realize.”

“Well yeah,” Xuanyi replied slowly, “Okay you know I wouldn’t have been able to get Eunseo to do it.”

“I’m just messing with you, I’m kind of shocked that she actually reciprocated and got to experience how great of a kisser you are babe.”

“I'm sorry Jiyeon.”

Bona stared at Xuanyi, she only let her use her real name and it rarely ever came out but she gave full attention when it did. A few tears rolled down Xuanyi’s cheek and past her nose, with her thumb Bona wiped a few away.

She got up taking a few steps away from the bed before launching herself on top of Xuanyi and tickling the curled up girl.

“Only tears from laughter are allowed sorry ma’am that’s the rules.”

Bona ended up straddling Xuanyi, who squirmed below trying to avoid Bona’s fingers that knew every weak spot on her body.

She loved her, with every part of her body she loved Bona. That’s why the prospect of possibly losing her because of a stupid no thought decision was crippling. She’d never expected Bona to react the way she did. She understood her intentions and it was a shock to Xuanyi. She had fought off anxiety and dreams that cracked her heart just to realize her girlfriend was okay.

“Now come on loser we have like 20 minutes to get to school,” Bona smiled down at her now flustered girlfriend.

She missed these moments where it felt like nothing mattered except being close to one another.

Luda’s class started at 10am and she was frantically searching through her poetry journal for anything that she could pass off as her free write. She’d written over a thousand poems but nothing stuck out to her. There was one, but it was only a line “We were messy.”

With everything that was going on in her life the 3 word line just fit. She couldn’t remember when she wrote it, or who it was about but her gut said E’dawn and she usually wrote whatever came to mind first. It was true that her relationship with E’dawn wasn’t as picture perfect as she’d thought. She was a bit blind to his habits of disappearing. She knew how he was, everything about him was so projected that is was easy to tell if he was lying. But now she didn’t know, he was a mystery to her.

She quickly scribbled down the first things that came to mind, she needed to time to study for a test before she made the agonizingly long walk to school. She debated on asking Xuanyi for a ride but Bona was here and she really wasn’t ready for that awkward trip.

We were messy.

That’s what we were,

Smeared pen marks on paper

And nothing more.

Satisfied only partially Luda stuffed the page into her backpack. The door to the Babe Cave slammed causing Luda to jump. She walked out of her room tentatively and saw Eunseo a little ways down, peeking her head out as well. In her mind, she pictured Xuanyi and Bona fighting, because surely Bona knew about their kiss. Except then she heard the rap of the tree against the living room window and knew that it must just be incredibly windy out.

“That door is really heavy, winds going crazy out,” Eunseo walked past Luda making her way into the kitchen.

Luda followed, she was compelled to by her stomach which was angrily protesting against its mistreatment.

“I’m starving,” Luda whined there was nothing in the house to eat at least nothing that immediately jumped out at her.

Eunseo had her head stuck in the fridge furiously searching for something Luda couldn’t pin point.

“Need some help,” the smaller girl asked before plopping down on a barstool.

“Where the hell are the eggs?”

“They should be on the top shelf on the far right behind the butter, unless Xuanyi used them all.”

“Oh right yeah should’ve looked there first.”

“You’re so lame you know,” Luda teased from where she sat resting her head on the cool granite.

“How,” Eunseo questioned pulling out 1 egg and a carton of milk.

“You just are.”

“You’re a fool Lee Luda, now help me make breakfast.”

Luda hopped off the stool, she had no idea what they’d be making for breakfast but it sure beat sitting at school for half an hour waiting for class to start, and turning in a poem she was only partially satisfied with.

“What are we making,” Luda asked scooting next to Eunseo who now stood facing the stove.

“A poor man’s French Toast, aka my specialty, can you grab a bowl so we can mix the milk, egg and cinnamon together,” Eunseo instructed.

“You got it lameo.”

Eunseo dipped pieces of white bread in the egg mixture and let it soak then laid it on the hot pan and waited. Luda couldn’t cook much but the french toast was so easy maybe she’d take up cooking. After Eunseo had made about 8 pieces of french toast she turned off the burner content.

“When do you have class today,” Eunseo asked ruffling through the pantry for syrup.

“It starts at 10, but I don’t really want to go.”

“You should go, what class is it?”

“Poetry but it’s okay I can email her my poem and sleep for the rest of the day.”

“Why sleep for the rest of the day when we can hangout, I don’t have class on Mondays.”

Eunseo plated the french toast and poured two glasses of milk to complete it all. Luda wondered why Eunseo ever bought processed food, when she could make plain white bread taste this good with only 1 egg some milk and a bit of cinnamon. She questioned whether she herself wanted to continue eating macaroni forever or just make this meal everyday. The two ate in silence, Luda staring at the new succulent meant to represent her and Eunseo tried not to stare at Luda.

“How come you don’t cook more?”

“Well I usually don’t have the time, speaking of time you’re running out of it to get heading to school.”

“I think I’ll stay home, It might snow and I don’t want to die from hypothermia.”

“You won’t just instantly die if a snowflake touches you ya know?”

“Not true, when I was younger I once ran to see the snow and I slipped and skidded into the street when a car ran past, It’s deadly regardless I’m not going.”

Eunseo sighed, she wanted the house to herself for a bit. Not that she hated Luda’s company she has suggested hanging out earlier but she wanted to a day all to herself where she could get her head straight. She probably shouldn’t have made a big production of making breakfast to impress Luda. She didn’t know why she tried anything to get the shorter girl’s attention knowing that her own heart would just continue to suffer more pain when she was indirectly rejected for Luda’s boyfriend again.

She wished she didn’t like her. She wished she was completely over Cheng Xiao but wishful thinking seemed to never get her anywhere. Eunseo cleaned off their plates while Luda excused herself to go email her assignment.

She couldn’t deny the circumstances of being home alone with Luda seemed too good to be true. Luda was one of those people that no matter how many times they said they’d ditch, they’d end up going anyway. It surprised Eunseo that today of all days was a day for a different Luda to come out. Eunseo threw herself onto the brown couch, stretching her legs and arms as much as she could. She was ready for a day full of pure relaxation, and Luda of course.

Luda sent the short poem to her professor 20 minutes before class began, making up an entirely too stupid excuse for why she was going to be absent. She had prayed her teacher believed that she’d locked herself in her bathroom and couldn’t get out. She even made a show of it by taking a picture of her in the bathroom looking flustered.

She really wanted to go to school but spending the day with Eunseo? If it brought them closer together it would be all worth it.

Luda plopped herself down in the arm chair adjacent Eunseo who refused to move from the couch even when Luda tried to tickle her off.

“What do you wanna do?”

“Nothing, just lay here, sleep or watch a movie I haven’t decided,” Eunseo replied.

Luda could tell Eunseo wasn’t focused on much of anything she asked or said. It was a bummer but what did she expect when she avoided the girl like the plague. She recalled every past event with Eunseo and hated herself for how she reacted because now when she wanted Eunseo’s attention the most she couldn’t get it.

“Why’s there a new succulent on the window sill?”

“Oh, I bought it yesterday to replace the old one, I figure we can all paint it together and we can call it Babe Cave house bonding."

“You’re really lame but that sounds like a good idea.”

The conversation died off gradually leaving the two in silence while 'James and the Giant Peach' played in the background. She hadn’t felt as awkward since she’d first seen Dawon topless.

Luda decided to just ramble to herself and ask questions intermittently to see if she could get Eunseo to laugh or at least respond better. Bona tugged on the icy door knob to the Babe Cave from outside, finally pulling the door open to walk inside. Xuanyi followed quickly behind.

From Bona’s perspective, Xuanyi’s plan had been working perfectly. She’d never thought the two roommates would actually speak willingly to one another. It was blatantly obvious though that Luda looked like a lost puppy, and Eunseo looked too tired to function.

Xuanyi led Bona to her room only to stop before the door and say she wasn’t allowed in.

“You can’t come any further.”

“Why?”

“I have a really important psychology test and you’re my kryptonite I need to study so you can’t come in.”

"Are you serious?"

She couldn’t believe it. She was barred from her own girlfriend’s room.

Stuck in the hallway forced to hear Luda’s awful jokes that were clearly intended to be funny. She was intrigued, her girlfriend talked extensively about watching people and their behavior in order to be able to analyze them. So she assumed Xuanyi’s role and dove into the complex spider web. Analyzing Luda wasn’t hard, lost puppy trying to make someone feel better by doing tricks.

The most interesting thing about the two that Bona observed was that Eunseo and Luda were very similar to the younger beginning stages of her and Xuanyi’s relationship. Luda was incredibly similar to Xuanyi, both were caring souls who would wait patiently for anyone. Bona saw more of herself in Eunseo. She got it, she understood the mixed emotions that Eunseo was giving off in order to appear complex, but she wouldn’t be fooled.

It was painfully obvious that Luda liked Eunseo, but in Eunseo’s eyes Bona could tell that her heart was not free. Maybe the breakup wasn’t clean and it screwed the taller girl up a bit. Being heartbroken was a , you often wallowed in sadness and were blind to things that sat literally right in front of you. It was no wonder Xuanyi wanted to hurry things along, the air in the house was a bit stifling.

Eunseo got up from the couch lazily and walked past Luda and Bona sitting down in the hallway to make it to her bedroom. Before Eunseo closed the door she peered out at Bona who sat in front of Xuanyi’s door like an obedient dog.

“I’m taking a nap if Luda asks.”

Bona only nodded back a response before getting to her feet and heading for the living room. Luda was focused on the TV which played an old episode of DOTS. She tapped the younger girl's shoulder to get her attention.

“Wanna go for a walk?”

“Sure.”

Luda’s heart raced at the sudden suggestion. If Xuanyi really had explained everything to Bona would that mean that Bona could be walking her to her very own death. She wasn’t prepared for it.

Bona waited by the front door while Luda threw on a sweatshirt and a puffy jacket in anticipation for how cold it would be outside. Bona’s head swirled with ideas on what she was going to do next. She wanted to get Luda to finally accept herself, Xuanyi’s efforts wouldn’t go to waste because she wouldn’t let them.

The two girls walked in the cold, scarves covering their noses and holding hands for at least some exchange of warmth. Bona led the way for 15 minutes till they reached a park. It was perfectly white. No one wanted to be out in the cold, and the snow on the ground lay untouched in many places besides the walking path. Pulling the scarf off her face Bona felt the wind already freezing her.

“I think I might die because of how cold it is,” Luda spoke first pulling down her scarf.

“Yeah who would’ve thought it’d get in the negatives so quickly,” Bona replied kicking a bit of snow off the tip of her shoe.

“Ya know, Xuanyi and I have only been together for about a year and a half now it’s kind of crazy how we mesh together so well.”

“Yeah you guys are a great couple,” Luda replied trying to hide her uneasiness.

She had no idea where the conversation was headed.

“We weren’t always, she was too shy to ever initiate anything for probably 2 months until I caved and just went for it, but I was frustrated with her the whole time, we got in a lot of arguments and sometimes we didn’t talk for days.”

“But why? You guys seem so fine now.”

“Thinking back on it, most of our fights were pointless. I wanted a lot from Xuanyi because I fell for her quickly but I knew she was still unsure of herself even though she claimed she was ready for a relationship with a girl.”

“So what’d you do? How’d you two fix it?”

Luda couldn’t believe that Bona and Xuanyi would ever have any problems, especially not one that Bona was describing it sounded so simple to resolve yet complicated at the same time.

“Well, she’s usually the one who’s good with words but I had to take charge because I had more of a footing in what I wanted. I sat her down and explained my feelings, because she didn’t want to believe me at first, I basically had to walk her through the entire idea of dating,” Bona paused to shiver before continuing, “The first few days after she agreed, I was scared she’d change her mind things were rocky and I had no choice but to give her space to think about everything. I think those were the times that caused me the most pain. She could’ve turned me down.”

“But she didn’t,” Luda finished Bona’s intended sentence.

The blonde smiled, her white teeth gleaming brighter than the untouched fallen snow. She pressed a quick kiss to Luda’s forehead before pulling the girl toward a park bench so they could sit down.

“Do you think I’ll ever end up like you and Xuanyi,” Luda asked slowly, watching her breath, “I mean, E’dawn and I have had our moments but do you think it’s possible for us be each other's’ soul mates?

“Soul mates,” Bona asked, she tried to mask her confusion but she couldn’t with how thrown off by E’dawn’s name she was.

Luda liked Eunseo, Bona was sure of it. She saw the longing look in the girl’s eyes, she knew just from everything Xuanyi had told her. E’dawn didn’t fit into the equation anywhere so why’d Luda bring him up now?

She already didn’t like the bench they’d decided to sit on, it felt tainted in a way. Bona needed to escape whatever feeling and atmosphere had settled over the two after Luda’s question so she got up and pulled the girl behind her deeper into the wooded park.

Luda waited for Bona’s reply but realized there wasn’t going to be an answer as she was whisked further away from the Babe Cave. They hadn’t broached the subject of the kiss yet which was relieving for Luda, because she really did enjoy her time out with Bona even if she might die at least it would be around someone she liked. With Bona leading the way half dragging Luda behind her she was reminded of Dawon.

Dawon and Luda both snuck out one night, it was Luda’s idea to get away but Dawon lead her because she knew of a really cool spot. It was quiet out like it was now with Bona. There was no one around although Luda swore she saw a guy hide behind a tree. Dawon didn’t see it so they just goofed off running around and teasing each other. Back then things were easier, she almost wished she’d figured everything out about Dawon before she left.

There was silence for a few more steps before Bona abruptly stopped. She turned and pulled Luda against her body, using the same moves Xuanyi had used the night before in the kitchen except Bona’s lips didn’t touch Luda’s. She leaned in dangerously close, only a sheet of paper could be thin enough to fit between the gap.

It could be a trap, Luda had mentally prepared herself the entire walk that Bona could potentially harm her for what happened with Xuanyi be it physically or mentally. She deserved it, she already knew that but she also wasn’t sure if it was an invitation. The wind could push the two together that's how close they were, but Luda wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad idea. Kiss Bona and run the risk of Xuanyi probably evicting her or not kiss her and make Bona pissed.

Each time Bona breathed out slowly Luda wills herself to close the distance. It was almost painful, her lips burning to feel warmth. It was too cold, she was starting to understand Bona’s game. Desperately she wanted to warm up parts of her body, but Luda couldn't bring herself to move not even a millimeter. It was as if her body decided to shut off without letting her brain know.

It felt like an eternity was passing with each second while Luda’s stomach backfliped every time she tried to make a move forward. She remained rooted, only able to push herself backward with effort away from Bona.

The blonde cocked her head in interest at Luda, who had her own head hung down, staring at her snow covered shoes. Luda’s cheeks were a brighter red than the candy apple red scarf she’s wearing, and Bona knew it wasn't just because of the cold.

“Do you like girls,” Bona poses the question she’d been dying to ask since she first saw Luda while going down on Xuanyi.

Luda started running her hands through her hair messing it up. Her bent up frustration was being released bit by bit and she couldn't contain it. She’d been silently asking herself that exact question for awhile now. Always it got pushed into the darkest corners of her mind so that she wouldn’t venture there and have to face it head on.

Bona could see how the simple question took a bit of a toll on Luda, but she still waited for the girl more patient than ever. It was a big deal if Luda accepted herself now, because then maybe things would start to turn for the better at the Babe Cave.

“I-,” Luda stuttered, “ I think I may have been interested in girls for awhile now.

Luda gulped air in before continuing.

“It’s just that, liking- well liking girls isn’t something that’s okay where I lived, and since I got with E’dawn I was able to subdue those feelings that would pull me toward girls. I’m not going to lie the entire prospect of it is scary I don’t know how I’ll be perceived.”

“It’s okay, you don’t even have to tell anyone if you don’t want to,” Bona replied easily, “ I’m glad you’ve finally accepted that you like girls. I was starting to get worried after hearing about you and Xuanyi’s kiss, worried it might’ve been pointless.”

Bona’s laughter filled the empty park bouncing off of the snow, while Luda shivered again trying to warm herself up by rubbing her arms.

“Lets head back before you actually do die out here.”

“You might have to carry me.”

a/n this is completely unedited so I apologize for grammar mistakes or incorrect verb tenses I'll probably edit this in the morning aka in like 5 hours but I promised this update so here it is its about 4.4k words hope you enjoy this longish chapter :) like always thank you for reading x

*** I Edited it, and added a little bit here and there to make the chapter seem more full