The roommate trio stood in silence. Luda doesn’t look at Eunseo or Xuanyi. She keeps her head leant down staring at the dirt around her feet, the broken apart pot, the succulent bent over. The two girls had doubly assured her she hadn’t ruined anything but taking in their current state Luda assumed they were lying. The silence could choke, she felt strangled where she stood.

Xuanyi was processing. It all felt surreal, Exy coming back. The girl seemed a bit remorseful but went about everything wrong. So Exy wanted back in, sure Xuanyi would’ve given the girl a chance if she was civil. She believed in second chances but Exy was entirely another monster to take on. Xuanyi wasn’t prepared for the violence but she should’ve expected it knowing Exy’s fiery nature and the day she was kicked out she tried to give Eunseo a black eye.

Luda lifted her head up, Eunseo’s eyes were glazed over the zombie look settling back onto her. Xuanyi was in thought, she could see the set lines on the girl’s forehead. Both looked lost. Luda stepped around the mess on the floor, walking toward the door to slip her shoes on. She had dirt on her socks but didn’t care, once her shoes were on she too left the Babe Cave.

She didn’t understand the situation she just wanted to clear her head. There was so much to process. Eunseo was the biggest thing on her mind she spoke so highly of her and came to her defense when she didn’t have to. Maybe not all was lost of their friendship. At least that part was promising. Luda walked down the Babe Cave walkway, part of her wanted to turn back. It was so cold out her bones protested with each step away from the warm house. If she thought on it too much she’d turn back so she shut off her brain and ran. She ran away from the Babe Cave in the opposite direction of where E’dawn and school were. There was no destination planned just a will to get away that drove her.

Out of the corner of her eyes Eunseo watched Luda leave. She willed herself to move forward but was held in place. Xuanyi had reached her hand out latching onto Eunseo’s shoulder keeping the girl still.

“What was that,” Eunseo asked rhetorically.

Xuanyi shook her head answering silently from behind.

Luda gave up running after about 15 minutes, she started walking after that. She walked until her legs burned. It’d been about an hour since she left, she was sweaty and the cold stuck to her body uncomfortably. She collapsed onto a bus bench that partially shielded her from the cold wind that whipped at her face.  Running her fingers through her hair she tried to detach the poisonous words Exy had implanted in her brain.

She had broken something, as she saw everything unfold with Exy she saw herself as the violent one. This was her fault. The pot was symbolic she was probably the only roommate to catch that. Luda was breakable, she was also like Exy, replaceable. Was the broken lamp an omen? E’dawn had cut himself on the pieces, would her roommates cut themselves on her own shards? She had ruined something. Maybe the Babe Cave was better without her.

Ruined, just looking at Eunseo, of course it wasn’t her sole doing but part of her had ruined Eunseo. She could see it. She’d seen it for weeks. A bus squealed to a stop announcing its arrival. The driver opened the doors and waited patiently. Luda didn’t think much before standing up and paying the 2 dollar fare. She picked a window seat near the middle. The bus was heading downtown which meant she had another hour to process everything.

There were pros and cons to staying. If she went back to the Babe Cave she’d have to face both Xuanyi and Eunseo. They would have to discuss the Exy thing, because it hurt Luda and she’d rather talk it out than ignore it and cry. She wanted so much to cry now, but she couldn’t she felt too detached. The only problem was she couldn’t stand it if she hurt Eunseo or Xuanyi anymore. If she did go back she’d ber very careful to avoid them. She’d become a ghost if she had to if it meant she’d minimize harm.

Leaving had its pros and cons too. E’dawn had offered to get an apartment with her and while it sounded like a nice plan it didn’t seem realistic to her. It was a nice dream, but she was held back by the slow deterioration of her liking for E’dawn. She didn’t know when it started but she felt distant from him, the month and a half  apart plus the lack of communication was too much to overlook. But maybe if they did move in together it would fix their bond.

She couldn’t decide, she spent the entire bus ride volleying back and forth. Downtown was the last stop for the night. It was already very late. Luda debated calling her mom and asking to be picked up, but she was supposed to be a grown up and calling her mom seemed like taking 12 steps in the wrong direction. She shoved her hands into her pockets and walked along the sidewalk. Downtown was loud with buzzing cars and people. She estimated she was about 3 hours from her house, where her mother was. It would be rude to call so late. She kicked at a wet newspaper while she walked, it was still cold and she was walking by herself in a part of the city she’d never been. Luda was a bit directionally challenged she figured if she just walked straight she'd be fine. Her phone buzzed vibrating against her . She took it out to see that Xuanyi was calling her.

Xuanyi and Eunseo collected the pieces of shattered terracotta and swept up the dirt. Eunseo cursed Exy for making a huge mess and a dent in their wall. Xuanyi wondered if the cursing was directed at the mess or more at the fact that Luda herself was shattered here. Xuanyi beamed when she first saw the decorated pot, it fit so well with the other two on the sill. Luda was a good match for the Babe Cave. Eunseo dusted off her knees. She went to go let Luda back in the house assuming the girl was just sitting on the steps.

“Luda come on in it’s too cold to be outside,” Eunseo spoke softly swinging the door open.

Eunseo laughed when Luda wasn’t there. She was so stupid sometimes, maybe the girl was by the big tree in the front. She hopped onto the front steps and called for Luda to come in again. The wind made goosebumps on her skin, she disregarded shoes and walked through the cold barefoot. She walked around the house twice but Luda wasn’t in the yard. She was confused, maybe Luda had come back in. She walked back into the house taking care to wipe her feet on the mat before walking to Luda’s room. She knocked twice before pushing the door open. The room was empty.

“I think she went with E’dawn,” Xuanyi spoke from behind Eunseo startling the girl.

“ Xuanyi please don’t do that you scared me.”

“Sorry.”

Xuanyi was panicking. She knew E’dawn and Luda weren’t together. She knew because she didn’t hear a car engine start up when Luda left. She didn’t hear anything which eased her at the moment thinking the girl was only outside the front door but now it scared her. She’d only offered the lie to Eunseo to calm the girl's worries. Who would calm hers though?

“Let’s just watch some T.V. and forget what just happened,” Xuanyi offered.

“You don’t wanna talk about it.. ?”

“Not particularly.”

“But.. it was Exy.”

“What about her?”

“Nothing I just thought you’d need someone to talk to.”

“I don’t but thank you,” Xuanyi replied coldly.

“So what do you wanna watch,” Eunseo asked with faux enthusiasm.

Eunseo was getting restless. Why would Luda go with E’dawn? She knew that more than likely the girl had gone with him, but the way Xuanyi acted she wasn’t entirely sure. The two had been watching Train to Busan Xuanyi making jokes about how one of the zombies looked like Eunseo and congratulated her on her first cameo. When the movie ended Eunseo was quick to excuse herself. She still had E’dawn’s number from when they dated she’d never deleted a single number from her phone.

    E: is Luda with you?

    ED: what?

    E: this is Eunseo btw

    ED: well duh I can see that

Eunseo was a little shocked that E’dawn still had her phone number.

    E: well??

    ED: um no why?

    E: no reason

Eunseo didn’t understand. If Luda wasn’t with E’dawn then where was she? The taller girl walked back into the living room. Xuanyi was biting her nails on the couch looking every bit as panicky as Eunseo felt.

“You lied,” Eunseo stated.

“I had to buy time, I was trying to figure out where she’d gone I thought maybe she’d just come back here on her own.”

Eunseo understood, Xuanyi would never do something to hurt her, but they’d wasted about two hours with the movie that they could’ve used to find Luda.

“I’ll call her,” Xuanyi suggested from where she sat.

Eunseo sat beside the girl, both stared down at a smiling photo of Luda. Xuanyi had asked to take a pic of the girl for a contact photo in her phone. Luda smiled huge looking as goofy as ever for the picture. The phone rang 8 times before going to voicemail.

Luda stared down at the contact picture of Xuanyi peering over the great gatsby. Her cat eyes looking devious. She debated with herself on whether to answer or let it go to voicemail. By the time she’d made up her mind to answer it the call was already over. She’d let it ring too much.

She sighed slipping the phone back into her pocket before continuing her trek forward. Her heart hurt, she’d been coping for so long that now she was out and thinking freely she started to ache. Coping was only a bandage, a bandage that must’ve come off while she ran from her problems. She ached to feel love. She hadn’t felt it even being with E’dawn only hours before. Her brain ached having to decide and deal with so much at one time. She’d overloaded it.

She wanted to love E’dawn back. She’d been trying but there was something missing, she couldn’t fully commit to loving him unless she directly dealt with the strange feelings that had begun coursing through her since she’d become friends with Dawon.  She’d it all out, but maybe that wasn’t the best because she’d started to really screw things up. Her hands hurt, some of her fingers had locked up because of the cold. She forcefully bent them to fix the lock ups. The pain was welcomed.

Cars zoomed past as Luda slowly trudged through downtown. Her eyes were drooping, she fought off her drowsiness. She was doing a fine job at avoiding people and minding her own, until she ran right into a fair skinned girl who looked even younger than she was. Why would she be out on her own? Young girl’s didn’t walk Downtown alone, however she herself was an exception.

“I’m sorry,” Luda replied staring at her shoes, one of her shoelaces lay limp and frayed. She’d need to tie it soon.

“Oh it’s alright don’t mind,” the younger girl smiled.

Luda was ready to walk away but tripped over her shoelace. She instinctively put her hands out to soften the fall, but it didn’t save her the embarrassment from falling.

“Dawon can you help me help her up,” Luda heard the younger girl call.

Luda lay on the sidewalk, it was funny she had no energy really to lift herself she was exhausted. She’d become the sidewalk if she lay there long enough which she almost preferred. She added it as an option other than going back to the Babe Cave. Luda held herself back from letting her hopes run wild. There were so many Dawons. The two strangers hoisted Luda to her feet and spun her around to face them.

“Lu- Luda?”

Luda stood mouth agape, Dawon was actually standing in front of her. A different Dawon from what she remembered but still Dawon.

“Luda how’d you get Downtown?”

“So this is Luda?”

Luda’s throat was dry the cold wind had been relentless.

“I walked,” Luda directed at Dawon.

The taller girl huffed, concern washed over her. Luda marveled at how Dawon had grown so beautiful in the past three years. The girl next to her was equally as beautiful.

“So this is Meiqi?”

“Hi! Yeah that’s me, um can we get in the car where it’s warm,” Meiqi gestured.

Warmth was all Luda craved. Dawon unlocked the car and the three girls climbed into it. Luda would’ve taken shotgun, but she knew that wasn’t her place anymore so she happily accepted the back seat.

“Luda are you okay,” Dawon asked while cranking the heat up.

Luda had just noticed the clothes both her best friend and Meiqi were wearing. They looked nice, like they’d dressed up for a date. Was she intruding on their date?

“..Yes,” she hesitated, “No not really.”

Dawon had been with Luda for a very long time. Enough to know that what was hurting Luda now wouldn’t be drug to light so easily. She decided to drop it, opting instead to talk of something lighter to brighten the mood. Meiqi was a patient person and she was glad, because there was so much she was going to have to explain.

“Let’s go home,” Dawon offered.

Luda defrosted in the back, she fell asleep fast only to be awoken by Meiqi tugging on her feet.

“Babe I think she’s dead,” Meiqi turned toward Dawon.

“No she’s just stubborn it takes her two hours to fully wake up,” Dawon laughed.

Luda groggily sat up her eyelids kept drooping down like weak shutters she was worn out but had to force herself to wake up. The cold from outside began seeping into her warm pocket in the car and she decided it was time to go.

“Come on lil bun let’s talk inside,” Dawon gave while offering her hand to the girl to help her out of the car.

Dawon’s apartment was plain. It was small with only a shared living room and kitchen space, one bathroom and one bedroom.  Luda could see that the two girl’s didn’t have much but it felt cozy. It was warm and inviting and Luda wished she could move in right now. She mentally added it as an option on her list.

“So what’s wrong,” Dawon started the conversation.

“So much is wrong, I- I think I messed up,” Luda covered her eyes, if she started crying she didn’t want her bestfriend or her bestfriend's girlfriend to see.

“It’s okay lil bun.. You can cry,” Dawon tired to assure Luda being careful to steer the conversation and keep it going.

“What did you mess up,” Meiqi asks from her spot next to Dawon.’

The couple were sitting across from Luda on the couch. Luda was in the arm chair a safe distance away. She could remove herself fast without them stopping her if she needed to. She’d already planned an escape route in case things got too emotional.

“I think I messed up my roommate, she hasn’t been the same since something happened.”

“Well what happened,” Dawon took control.

“We almost kissed.”

“How’d you mess it up?”

“Well she had a girlfriend but now that girl is her ex and she’s even more broken, I was a ty friend I didn’t even try to comfort her because I’m stupid.”

“What held you back?”

“E’dawn did, how could I feel something toward a girl when I’m with him? I just felt so guilty so I just ignored her.”

Meiqi cocked her head at the mention of E’dawn’s name. She looked to Dawon who gave a silent nod before turning back to Luda. Luda watched the interaction not knowing what to make of it.

“What,” Luda directed the question at Meiqi.

“Oh nothing, I just recognized the name.”

“You know E’dawn?”

“Uh, yeah we dated back in Highschool, he’s not really the type to stick around though. It was my first time having and I guess his too, the day after we broke up.”

“Oh..,” Luda didn’t know how to respond she wished she hadn’t pressed Meiqi for a response.

Dawon could feel the conversation going off in a direction it shouldn’t so she steered it back.

“Who do you like?”

“E’dawn.”

“Well did you want to kiss your roommate?”

“Yes but-”

“Luda maybe you should explore,” Dawon offered anything to get her best friend away from E’dawn was a good plan.

“I’m not gay.”

Meiqi laughed causing Dawon to laugh. Luda sat stunned wondering why they were laughing like they’d been told the best joke. She was trying to voice her problems and sort them out but her two confidants were rolling around giggling.

“Ya know Luda I used to like you,”  Dawon confessed trying to stifle her laughter and put on a serious tone.

“Really?”

“Are you really that oblivious? I wanted to kiss you the night you snuck me out.”

Luda thought back to highschool and how they were practically inseparable. They held hands everywhere, Dawon was always so touchy and in turn made Luda more affectionate. Luda should’ve seen the signs but gay was such a foreign concept to her at that time it almost didn’t seem like a real thing. Taboo where they lived. She had to grow up and move out to see that the world was so far ahead of her old way of thinking.

“Sorry I never knew.”

“It’s alright, Luda what I’m trying to say is unless you experiment you’ll never know.”

“What a cliche college thing to say babe,” Meiqi interjected.

Luda leant back into the chair. She let the girls words soak into her. She wasn’t going to make any moves like Dawon had suggested but maybe she could try more to be around Eunseo. Maybe if her and Eunseo had a stronger bond then life in the house would be easier. She decided to ignore E’dawn in the equation. Tackling one thing at a time was enough. She’d spent almost 5 hours trying to decide on what to do about her situation with her roommates. She sort of had a decision, which was better than none at all.  

“I did something stupid Dawon.”

“Luda I swear- this isn’t some kind of romance drama.”

“No no ugh will you listen?”

“Fine what’d you do idiot?”

“I may or may not have run away from my problems.”

“Well duh that’s why we’re here discussing it,” Dawon shook her head Luda was a wall sometimes.

“No I actually ran away.”

“You ran away? You… Lee Luda, ran?”

“Um yes why is that so hard to believe?”

“Maybe because you sleep all the time and complain when you have to walk for more than 5 minutes.”

“Okay ha ha but really I think I’m like 2 hours from my house.”

Dawon glanced at the clock, it was pretty late and she didn’t trust the cabbies Downtown enough to get Luda home without wanting a different kind of payment.

“We could drop you off at your mom’s house?”

“No, hard pass.”

Luda would not go home to her mom who had turned her bedroom into her cat Couzie’s room. She’d rather sleep on the cold sidewalk.

“You could just sleep here,” Meiqi offered flashing a sweet smile at her.

Luda looked at her best friend and Meiqi. They made a good couple.

“I can call Xuanyi, I don’t want to impose.”

“You’re not imposing but okay,” Dawon laughed.

Xuanyi and Eunseo were pacing the kitchen. They’d been arguing for the past two hours back and forth trying to decide on how they were going to locate and retrieve Luda. Eunseo’s plan involved raiding Luda’s room for clues, whereas Xuanyi’s more rational idea was to wait for Luda to call them. Eunseo hated that plan, she hated waiting around. Her counter arguments against Xuanyi’s plan ranged from “it’s stupid” to “What if she’s hurt or dead?”

Xuanyi’s phone buzzed on the countertop. Eunseo sprung from where she was to press answer but Xuanyi was quicker. Xuanyi answered a bit breathlessly, while Eunseo prodded her to put the phone on speaker. The two roommates relished in Luda’s voice like she’d been gone for months. Luda spoke softly, it made Eunseo attentive. She asked Xuanyi if she could pick her up from a friends apartment. Xuanyi agreed already plugging in the address into her phone before Luda clicked off.

“I’m coming with you,” Eunseo stated already slipping on her shoes and jacket while grabbing Ludas coat.

“Eunseo please..”

“No I’m coming.”

“I don’t think it’s best,” Xuanyi stopped the girl.

Eunseo held onto Luda’s coat in defiance. She was just as worried as Xuanyi why couldn’t she go too? Xuanyi tugged on the coat gently, Eunseo frowned before letting go. Why couldn’t she go?

“Bring her back safe.”

“I will don’t worry.”

a/n an update a little early lol sorry being sick and swamped with homework . But don't worry another chapter will hopefully be done by this weekend. I needed to add some stuff to the fic timeline so it may be a bit longer. :) 

ps. i just finished editing this