The morning after bringing Luda home was rough. Xuanyi could barely sleep, turning off her mind usually was a difficult thing but hearing Eunseo leave her room and enter Luda’s had her mind racing. She wondered if her two roommates had finally reconciled. Xuanyi had gotten about 5 hours of sleep waking up around 10am. For what seemed like the first time in weeks the Babe Cave felt at ease, almost serene.

Xuanyi felt free she danced through the house and slid in her socks. She was careful not to wake up her sleeping roommates. Anyone looking through the windows would probably compare Xuanyi to a cat chasing a toy mouse. She only stopped goofing around when her stomach grumbled. She figured seaweed was the most suitable breakfast food after surveying the pantry full of sweets and macaroni. She worried about Eunseo and Luda’s dietary habits briefly before settling on the couch with her seaweed. Four packages of seaweed later Xuanyi was back into The Catcher in the Rye. Holden the main character had just spent the night at his old teacher's’ home and ran out when things got weird. Finishing that part of the book was fitting for what she witnessed next, a panicked Eunseo flew lightning fast through the hall from Luda’s room to her own room.

The scene was almost comical, Xuanyi wanted to laugh but when things went wrong with Luda and Eunseo the Babe Cave got complicated and quiet. The oldest girl sighed from the couch, she needed more seaweed to get through the day she could feel it. She’d held hope that her two roommates sleeping together would make the house bond stronger, but whenever she hoped for something it always got ed up in some way.

Xuanyi ran her fingers through her hair, if Eunseo and Luda slept together she would’ve heard it and the rational side of her brain knew there was no way “straight” Luda would ever, at least not now. So maybe they had really just slept, sharing comfort was definitely something Eunseo would go for.

Luda lazily got up, peeling off her old clothes. She stood in her room , staring at the imperfections of her body in the mirror on her door. There was a scar on her knee from when she fell off the swing set at age 9 and cracked it open. That’s where here fear of blood came from, and she hated the movie Superman he was a fraud, not everyone could fly. In Freshman year of high school Dawon had told her it looked like a crescent moon, and drew over it with blue sharpie. She hadn’t washed her knee for 3 days after that, it was a special moment. It was the first moment there was something between them. Luda had brushed it off so many years ago but now that she knew about Dawon’s uality she’d been cycling through her past memories searching for anything she missed in regards to her best friend liking her. Dawon traced the scar on Luda’s knee with extreme delicacy, she had even asked Luda if she were hurting her. It was silly at the time, but then the act of marker to her skin gave her goosebumps.

Luda ghosted her fingers over the scar before putting on her comfiest sweatpants and throwing on a band t-shirt. She would have to deal with Eunseo later, her stomach had been protesting to be fed even in her dreams. She imagined it shriveled up inside of her, on it’s last breath and laughed to herself. Food was the number one priority. Luda emerged from her room not expecting to see Xuanyi staring pensively past her. Luda waved her hands to shake Xuanyis’ stare but the still girl remained focused. Luda decided to scare her, maybe then the atmosphere would be a little less suffocating and uncomfortable.

The smaller girl stuck to the wall out of Xuanyi’s line of sight, she pictured herself on the side of a building one wrong move and she’d die. Once she’d made it successfully into the living room she crept toward the front of the couch. She was ready to pounce when Xuanyi shook her head a bit and blinked away her gaze.

“Damn,” Luda huffed.

“What are you doing,” Xuanyi laughed looking up at Luda who seemed defeated.

“Well I wanted to scare you but you ruined it.”

“Whoops if it helps I can pretend I never saw you.”

“I’m hungry,” Luda’s stomach grumbled loudly.

She could’ve sworn it echoed through the house. Xuanyi stood up collecting her seaweed trash, whilst Luda crossed the living room and proceeded to set the stove up to make macaroni. She’d need to grocery shop soon and buy her housemates some real food, it was almost sad the lack of variety they had. Down the hall a door creaked open, Eunseo had actually decided to join the world after acting like it was going to end half an hour before.

Eunseo kept her eyes set on the front door. Hopefully she’d be able to go get some art supplies without being questioned on her whereabouts by the ever curious Xuanyi. Seriously the girl had never heard the phrase “curiosity killed the cat.” Eunseo glided through the living room and right out the front door without even acknowledging Luda or Xuanyi. She felt her stomach twist and as soon as the cold air hit her skin and awkwardness settled over her body she wanted to run back inside and confront both her roommates. But she couldn’t do that, so she had decided to go on a paint run. She needed new paint anyway and she had a few ideas to get her feelings in check.

Xuanyi deposited the seaweed trash right as Eunseo made her grand entrance. She wanted to tease the girl about sleeping in so late but by the way Eunseo looked she decided against it. The girl looked like she was on a mission. Xuanyi glanced over to Luda who was trying to appear nonchalant but who was failing miserably and biting her lip staring at Eunseo’s chest. Her roommates were certainly not boring. Xuanyi felt like she was living in a Korean drama, minus the sub par acting.

She couldn’t help it. Seeing Eunseo with her hair in a messy bun and her clothes haphazardly thrown on made the girl look incredibly attractive. Luda thanked whoever created v neck shirts, because Eunseo looked ing great in one. She could appreciate a hot girl and still be straight, there wasn’t a list of rules right?

Xuanyi leant over the counter staring amusedly at Luda. The smaller girl was still staring at the front door which had been closed for a good 2 minutes before noticing a smirking Xuanyi eyeing her.

“I’m glad you decided on something else to eat for breakfast,” Xuanyi teased.

“W-what,” Luda’s face reddened at the forward Xuanyi.

“So you and Eunseo?”

“No,” Luda had to stop this right now before Xuanyi asked anything else.

“Well, I saw Eunseo leave your room this morning..”

“She just wanted to borrow a CD.”

“Luda come on, when has Eunseo ever asked to borrow anything?”

“Um well.”

“So when are you gonna tell me about your night?”

“My night was good I slept well and then Eunseo rudely woke me up and now here I am.”

“You are such a bad liar,” Xuanyi smiled sweetly toward Luda, she was having fun.

“You’re really making me rethink my decision to stay.”

“You’re staying,” Xuanyi spoke with surprised enthusiasm.

“Not so sure now”, Luda joked back glad to have diverted the conversation off her and Eunseo.

“So what did Eunseo say,” Xuanyi paused, “or do to make you stay.”

Luda could’ve thrown the entire box of macaroni at Xuanyi’s head after receiving not 1 but 3 suggestive winks.

“Fine, we talked about where I went yesterday night and if I was okay,” Luda groaned giving in.

“And you slept together,” Xuanyi added refusing to let Luda get off easy.

“I may have fallen asleep because she’s so boring.”

“It’s really quite fascinating how much you refuse to admit you like her.”

Luda let the words ‘like her’ assault her ears. She didn’t even try to stop Xuanyi. She waited for her head and heart to have a disagreement but they were quiet. It would’ve been easier to deal with the coursing thoughts about E’dawn and how everything involving Eunseo was wrong. Radio silence was hard to deal with, it gave her nothing and she had to make her mind up fast.

“I don’t like her,” the words rolled off her tongue naturally.

She felt like she’d rehearsed that phrase so many times through the course of her entire life that it was embedded in her. She might always say it no matter what circumstance.

“Luda, are you kidding?”

“No.”

“Okay then what do you call what you just did, I don’t stare at my friends chests, okay maybe I do sometimes, but I’ve never seen a straight girl bite her lip and look like she wants to jump another girl.”

“Can we stop this, I told you I like E’dawn,” Luda asserted by now she’d forgotten about making brunch.

“Do you love him?”

“Well I- I think love is a very strong word and you shouldn’t say it till you’re ready.”

“Luda. it’s a simple question.”

“Nothing involving love is ever simple.”

“Okay Socrates shut it, yes or no are you in love with E’dawn?”

“First of all I don’t know why you said Socrates there is no correlation-.”

“I’m swear I’m going to punch you.”

“Okay okay… no I guess I haven’t fallen in love with him yet.”

“You’ve been dating this guy for how long? Girl if you don’t love him now you never will why are you wasting your time?”

“I’m not gay.”

Xuanyi knitted her eyebrows together and just stared at Luda. She contemplated if her gaydar had been off, if she’d been trying to push the idea of her two housemates into a relationship. She knew she hadn’t but the next part of their conversation was delicate.

“I know you’re not Luda, no one has said you were. I respect that you have a boyfriend no matter how much of a royal douche he is, no offense,” Xuanyi stopped to compose herself, “But from what I’ve seen between you and Eunseo there’s something there, beyond just friends." Xuanyi paused to let her words sink in.

"So maybe you’re not gay, there’s an infinite amount of labels out there and hell, you don’t even need to pick one if you don’t want to but I think you should stop forcing yourself to be someone you’re not just because it’s easy.”

Xuanyi’s rationale made her nerves calm. She felt stupid, being scared of the word ‘gay’. Luda had always lived in fear of what other people thought, her mother had been very strict and ever since she was a baby all she’d known was that a marriage was between a boy and a girl and it was the law. When she asked about her father her mother wouldn’t speak to her for weeks. It took her years to understand her father had run off because of the confusion in his head, the same confusion Luda was experiencing right now. Listening to Xuanyi, she felt less burdened.

Of course she couldn’t willingly agree to liking Eunseo. She still hadn’t figured that part out yet. There was also one tiny problem, E’dawn. She knew she liked him, her body knew it liked his. But she’d seen the collapse of her parents marriage, her father had only ever been with her mother and it failed. But even still she was willing to risk it all to be with him. E’dawn, who she knew would love her with his entire being. She was too scared to take Dawon’s advice. She thought she’d wanted to but it was daunting.

The kitchen was still after Xuanyi had spoken. The older girl watched Luda in thought, analyzed her small movements and she could almost see the gears turning in Luda’s head. Awhile back Luda had explained that E’dawn was the only person she’d ever kissed, Xuanyi couldn’t believe Luda had survived this long into her life having only kissed one person. It was so unfathomable and she wished to give Luda more experience. The only problem was she didn’t know how.

She didn’t know how to get the girl to wake up and smell the roses. Until today, when Luda’s lips looked particularly plump and Xuanyi’s inner deviant took over. She was going to test out her theory, if anything she hoped it would give Luda a wakeup call. If it didn’t she’d apologize and act like nothing ever happened.

Before Luda could pull herself from her thoughts and answer Xuanyi, the older girl had pushed her up against the sink. Xuanyi’s hands s around Luda’s lower back and she kissed the shorter girl as gently as she could manage. It was like kissing a flower petal. Luda’s lips were supple and Xuanyi had to remind herself this was just a test.

Luda froze. Her entire body locked up at the contact. Xuanyi didn’t stop kissing her, even though she wasn’t reciprocating. Eventually her lips had feeling and with Xuanyi’s lips heating her own she melted. She’d never experienced such a dizzying effect when she kissed E’dawn. Luda kissed her back tentatively. After a few timid kisses, Xuanyi’s tongue probed Luda’s lips asking for entrance. Luda let her in without question. Xuanyi was the definition of soft and Luda found herself giving in letting Xuanyi dominate her. She couldn’t have fought the girl for dominance even if she wanted to, she wasn’t in any position.

Xuanyi uns her hands reaching for Luda’s and lifting them to her neck. She massaged the smaller girls’ sides before pressing harder into her. Luda’s body felt on fire. Every place Xuanyi touched left a trail of goosebumps. When Luda started to reciprocate by pulling Xuanyi closer, the older girl withdrew.

Xuanyi smirked to herself, she knew she’d been right about Luda. The look on the shorter girl's face said it all. She was in a state of shock but the mixture of lust that danced through her eyes and the overall buzz of her body showed how content she’d been.

Luda had always loved kissing. She was a kissing fiend, E’dawn had to fight her off sometimes, she’d never thought there was someone who existed who was a better kisser than E’dawn. When she kissed him she felt weightless but when Xuanyi kissed her she felt drunk. She almost preferred to feel drunk without drinking.

Xuanyis' smirk stay plastered onto her face as she stepped even farther away from the girl and waited. Luda looked toward her housemate in curiosity.

“What the heck was that,” Luda whispered.

Her fingers ghosted over her lips like they’d ghosted over her scar before. Her brain was scrambled and her heart was still beating erratically she couldn’t form any coherent sentences.

“Would you prefer to kiss me, or E’dawn?”

Xuanyi knew Luda’s answer. But she needed Luda to hear herself, she needed Luda to understand what she felt and that it was okay to feel that.

E’dawn. Luda had all but forgotten him in her desirous state, but hearing his name out loud made the guilt wash over her in waves. The euphoric feeling from before now was replaced by guilt that twisted inside her like barbed wire. Luda shook herself. She kissed a girl, which would be technically classified as cheating. Especially because she kind of liked Xuanyi’s softer mouth as opposed to E’dawn’s rough lips.

Luda wanted to pull her hair out she couldn’t choose. There was no way she could choose between the guy she’d been with for years and her housemate who may be possibly the best kisser in the entire world. How was it even fair?

“I don’t know,” Luda knew her answer sounded pathetic after everything but it was all she could reply with.

Xuanyi had hoped for a different reply. She felt Luda’s desire she knew if she hadn’t have stopped that Luda would’ve wanted more, her hands would’ve roamed more. Luda’s reply had her in shock. Xuanyi looked to Luda with hurt reflectant in her eyes before letting out a hopeless sigh. There was nothing more she could do, she couldn't force the girl into anything but she also couldn't hide her disappointment with Luda.

Luda couldn’t even admit to herself what she felt. Xuanyi left the kitchen shaking her head and returned to her spot on the couch choosing to flick through channels on the TV instead of think about what had just happened. The Babe Cave had been completely flipped over, Luda was cemented in front of the sink her legs refusing to move an inch. It was almost as if her body wanted her to relive everything. Xuanyi’s heat stuck to her clothes, her skin still tingled where she was touched.

Eventually Luda went to her room and Eunseo came home with 3 bags full of different acrylic paints and various nylon tipped brushes hanging off her left arm and a brand new succulent cradled in her right.

“Is that for Luda?”

“Yeah, to replace the broken one.”

“We could’ve all gone together you know.”

“I know but I was close by so I figured why not,” Eunseo set the tiny succulent on the window sill in between the other two before turning to face Xuanyi.

“You look like you have nothing to say for once in your entire life,” Eunseo laughed before heading to her room.

Eunseo was right. Xuanyi had nothing to say, she was functioning off muscle memory. She’d exhausted herself thinking about Luda. In the end she’d come to the realization that Luda would have to figure things out on her own, one more push could be extremely detrimental to the shorter girl’s progress. Even though she’d been rejected, Xuanyi she knew Luda was making small progress. There was something there she could feel it.

Xuanyi scoffed to herself, she would never understand how sweet girls like Luda could end up with vile men like E’dawn. The two didn’t match, everyone probably saw it except them. Xuanyi questioned whether or not E’dawn knew too. It made her wonder, he seemed like such an awful human she wouldn’t put it past him to only be in the relationship for the . and Luda combined was a hilarious topic, Xuanyi definitely couldn’t wrap her mind around those two having it was just too comical.

Despite everything, the rejection and the kiss, it was hard not to sympathize with Luda. Xuanyi knew the girl had a lot to think about, Luda was always thinking it’s what had attracted Xuanyi to become closer to the girl. She saw the conflict flash in Luda’s eyes when she asked who Luda would rather kiss. It was like seeing a heartbreak in slow motion.

Luda’s heart was falling apart faster than she could collect its pieces. She’d been in such a blissful state before she came crashing back to reality. The mere thought of cheating made her sick. She wanted to throw up, she had to sit on her phone so that she wouldn’t feel so guilty she’d end up calling E’dawn and tell him everything. Probably the worst part to it all, even worse than the fact she cheated on her boyfriend was that she enjoyed it. She’d told herself for years that it would be an awful experience to kiss a girl. Yet here she was, wanting to kiss another girl.

Nothing made sense anymore. Not one thing, her dead set answer on staying with E’dawn wavered. She needed help coming to a decision on what to do. Dawon had told her that she could call any time if she ever needed advice. Granted that was back in the 8th grade but she hoped the offer still stood.

Her fingers shook as she dialed the familiar number. Three rings had come and gone before Dawon picked up the phone. Luda wanted to scream at how slow Dawon was but she had other pressing things to attend to.

“Hey Luda what’s-,” Dawon couldn’t finish her sentence before Luda interrupted.

“I kissed a girl.”

“You what,” Dawon questioned she needed to hear Luda again.

“I made out with a girl in the kitchen.”

“Slow down- how the hell?”

“Xuanyi she, she just pushed me and started kissing me and I didn’t know what to do then I just started kissing her back and it felt so good Dawon I felt like I was drunk it was incredible,” Luda spoke rapidly trying to cram as much detail as she could in.

“So you, miss straight as a ruler, kissed a girl?”

“Yea, uh that’s what I have been trying to tell you.”

“So.. what about E’dawn?”

“That’s what I called you about, I wanna throw up.”

“Okay well don’t. It’s just a kiss right? and plus you told me you weren’t really happy with him I’m proud of you for following my advice for once.”

“I liked kissing her Dawon, I don’t know what to do.”

“Hey lil bun, it’s not the end of the world calm down. So you liked kissing a girl? Big deal that doesn’t automatically turn you into a raging lesbian.”

Luda could hear her best friend’s laughter over the line and it put her as ease.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Lil bun I’m sorry but I don’t know what else to tell you other than break up with E’dawn and go kiss every girl who shows interest.”

“I’m serious Dawon please.”

“Okay well what about that girl you like that you almost kissed?”

“What about her?”

“Ugh you’re so ing dumb sometimes, do you wanna kiss that girl?”

Luda stared up at her Troye Sivan poster, lyrics from Bite played through her head as she came to her ultimate decision. She wanted it. She wanted to kiss Eunseo, she wanted so much to kiss her that it made her heart ache. She didn’t care anymore.

“Yes.”

Dawon was startled by Luda’s short response. She’d expected a fight, she wasn’t prepared to be met with no resistance but it made her happy.

“So I guess you finally figured it out.”

Luda nodded to herself, forgetting she was on the phone and Dawon couldn’t see her.

“Yeah but what do I do now?”

“That’s part of figuring it out, I’m sure you already know.”

“I love you so much, thank you.”

“I didn’t do much, but I love you too and good luck go get her.”

Dawon hung up before Luda could continue the conversation. She was right, Luda did know what she had to do, but it was the act of doing it that she had no idea how to do. E’dawn was so many of her firsts, and he’d continue to be.