Runes of Despair

Story by myheartswishes

Title - 5/5

I love it.

It’s short, it’s unique, it appropriately captures the mood and essence of the story. Very nicely done. I also appreciate that it is relevant for one, because you would be surprised at the bunch of writers who just slap on a cliche title to their stories. But I think, based on how well it fits, you played around with it a little bit, and I especially am happy to see runes just because it's not a word people typically use.

Foreward - 8/10

Once again, you’ve managed to me in. Your title caught my attention, and your foreward left me wanting to know even more. It gave just enough information for readers to get a grasp on what the overall scent of the story may be, but gave almost no clue whatsoever as to how the plot was going to unravel. This mysterious component makes your writing strong, because readers aren’t able to pinpoint where you’ll take the story.

Plot - 17/20

I love your plot. The first couple of chapters captivated me. I loved them. Her childhood story was not only so well planned - the whole dichotomy surrounding the secret room and trust - but beautifully written.

Continuing on to her life with the EXO boys - it was nice. It was light and friendly in some places, and heart-wrenching in others. I like that system you set up under the Great  Government, and the connections the orphans have. It was quite unique, I thought, because all the small details were intricately interwoven, which gave the story a large sense of completion.

I would just warn again one thing - redundancy. While I enjoyed the majority of your plot and thought lots of the plans were clever, the more I read into your story, there was this increasing voice in the back of my head that it was mildly similar to the storyline about 6-7 chapter previously.

The places where this feeling was heightened would definitely have to be the number of times the main character has a “near death” experience. Not only did I feel as if the non-death would be obvious (she hasn’t gotten anywhere close to successful revenge), the second and even third time you pulled the near-death card, it was hard to emotionally invest in it because it had already happened so much. When you play music, and you play the whole song loud, you might be making a statement. But nothing is going to make certain places special; the whole thing will be the same beginning to end. So while the loud beginning may have made an impression on the listeners, soon, they’ll grow accustomed to the volume and begin to think it mundane. Repeating high-intensity moments is the same thing. The more you use them, the less effect they have.

Character Development - 18/20

I want to commend you on your character development.

Daily, through the protagonist’s thought process, you remind us that the reason she acts the way she does and the reason she thinks the ways she does is because she has been through the things she has been through. And this is impactful. There’s a nuanced difference between having a character change and emphasizing constantly the reasons for this change, and I think you have just the right balance between the two. I like that.

However, as with the plot, I warn again redundancy. Her attachment to Kai made it very, very obvious that 1- something was bound to happen to him when they split up to escape and 2 - that she wouldn’t hesitate for a split-second in offering to take his place.

I think that you, as a writer, have very clear directionality. In other words, you know very clearly what you want to emphasize, and what you want the reader to get. Surviving is hard in the poor institution the characters are trapped in, and they have near death experiences a lot. Protagonist loves Kai. Mark. They’re all orphans. They always get beat up. Loss.

Because you know what you want from the readers, what you want the readers to get, you constantly emphasize those parts. And I think this is precisely what makes you so redundant.

Perhaps I’m incorrect - I can’t say for certain what you as a writer want to accomplish with your writing - but I think this is what my interpretation of your writing suggests about you.

I advise you to trust your readers more. If you still wish to emphasize certain parts, I advise you do so. However, perhaps finding a more subtle way to repeat ideas would be better than flat-out repeating deaths and separations/reunions.

Flow/Writing Style -  19/20

I didn’t find anything particularly bothersome about your writing. On the contrary, I think your writing is beautiful. You seem to have a good sense of what words to use when, and how to phrase certain things to have a specific emotion evoked from the reader.

It’s appropriately casual and formal, and it’s appropriately light and dense.

It’s not too long winded, and not too abrupt either. And if it is, it’s because you want that to be the effect.

Kudos to you.

Grammar - 14/15

I also don’t think your grammar is problematic in the slightest. 14 because there were rare occasions of odd sounding sentences or misspelled words, but I think these are just slip-ups/typos.

Overall Enjoyment - 9/10

I know I was quite picky with your repetition. However, it would be an audacious lie to say I did not enjoy your story. I love the quality of your writing, and your style. It suits the plot well, which I also very much appreciate. Please continue writing your story! I know it’s in draft mode at the moment, and that makes me lowkey sad :(

Total - 90/100

On a concluding note: thanks so much for requesting a review, and my deepest apologies for how long it took. Please feel free to pm me any lingering questions should you have them!

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myheartswishes (Aug 7, 2016 13:23:02) says about chapter 3: [REVIEW FORM]

Author's name: myheartswishes
Author's link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/81189
Story title: Runes of Despair
Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/701077/runes-of-despair-action-fantasy-romance-exo-luhan-kris-mark
Main characters: Kris, OC, Mark, Kai
Poster link: https://40.media.tumblr.com/602c327bb0922fac805ec84ea0a1acad/tumblr_ns9el89yCQ1sqnerso1_1280.png
Description: Eunkyung (OC) was a witness to her parent's unlikely demise back when she was just a child, and subsequently found herself in a modern concentration camp where she meets the people who will ultimately change her life forever.
Genre: Action, Romance, Fantasy
Rated: Maybe for language only
Reviewer: Suhyo07
Password: Butterfly
Anything else: Please be as detailed as possible :)
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