VII

Vulnerable

“You know,” Jongdae says, looking downright terrifying, “I let you stay in my house because my sister wanted you to say, but there’s a clear limit between what you can and can’t do and I want you to know that if you overstep that limit, I won’t hesitate to kick you out.”

Baekhyun’s head is still spinning wildly from Chanyeol’s words and he finds it hard concentrate on Jongdae’s words. And though the warning (is what Jongdae said a warning, or more of a threat?) is crystal clear in Jongdae’s voice, Baekhyun doesn’t even try to fight back or retort. Numbly, he nods at Jongdae, unsure of how to respond or even what to respond with. Perhaps there’s something awry with him lately, because instead of feeling angry of being chastised like a child, Baekhyun can (to an extent) imagine how Jongdae feels. That, and the fact that there’s definitely something that’s amiss, though he can’t place his finger on it quite yet.

“Really,” Baekhyun mumbles. He doesn’t feel like fighting, or even being remotely hostile towards Jongdae like he would’ve done in the past. He feels too exhausted to do so. Too much happening at the same time, too much to think of. “She was just trying to pull me up. Jonghui gave me a couple of her books to read in the afternoon, and I fell asleep. That’s all.”

Perhaps Jongdae is overly-protective of his sister to the point that it irritates Baekhyun. Perhaps he’s somewhat jealous of the tenderness and infinite care in Jongdae’s gaze when he talks Jonghui, even when he’s scolding her. But somehow, in a slightly annoying way, it makes it impossible for Baekhyun to completely dislike Jongdae. Maybe it’s the way his shoulders sag, almost as if out of relief when those words come out of Baekhyun’s mouth. Maybe it’s the almost defeated look in his eyes that makes him hesitate.

“I’ll believe you on this one, Byun,” Jongdae says with a long sigh. He scrubs a hand over his tired expression. “But make sure you don’t do anything to her that you’ll ever regret. She may seem like she can handle everything on her own, but to me, she’s still my little sister and it’s my job to protect her. Joonmyeon and Jongin are probably leaving soon. If you want to see them off, then you can come out of your room. I’ll do the dishes alone tonight.”

Baekhyun stares as Jongdae slips out of the room quietly. She may seem like she can handle everything on her own. How could Jonghui handle everything on her own? She had trouble carrying four grocery bags that weren’t even heavy. Walking for thirty minutes had made her exhausted.

He doesn’t go see Joonmyeon or Jongin out. He hears Joonmyeon asking about him outside, and still, Baekhyun lies on his bed staring at the ceiling. There’s a tight feeling in his chest that he can’t place and he doesn’t even know where it originates from, like the feeling of something being amiss.

From Chanyeol’s words? Perhaps.

Jongdae’s? Likely.

He thinks of Jonghui and her smile and the tired expression she wore on the first night Jongdae returned. The fatigue at the smallest of things.

Her. Maybe it was because of her.

***

Jonghui has stocked Baekhyun up with books from her room.

During the day, around noon when the atmosphere felt the most sleepy, they would sit together on the couch.

Jonghui types away on her laptop, one headphone pushed away from her ear slightly. Baekhyun can hear the faint sound of music coming out, but he blocks it out and concentrates on the book at hand. Sometimes he finds himself curious of what exactly Jonghui’s writing, but she doesn’t provide him with much detail and doesn’t seem like she’s willing to share. They sit in companionable silence for a while, though involuntarily, the words start blurring in front of his eyes and Baekhyun drifts off into his own thoughts instead.

He thinks of Chanyeol, with his goofy smile, large ears and bright personality. He thinks of the grave expression on Chanyeol’s face when he speaks: What if I told you that you weren’t suppose to gain humanity but to regain humanity?

Angels were all human once, too.

Even if his memories of his life as an angel are fuzzy and almost inaccessible, Baekhyun’s positively sure that he’s never been a human. His life started as an angel. He can remember the ceremony of becoming a seraphim. Yet still — there’s doubt starting to bud in his mind and the feeling of dread. There’s a burn in his chest when he thinks of it. It hurts like how his head does when he tries to recall something he can’t.

“Baekhyun,” Jonghui says, “do you want to cook dinner with me?”

Baekhyun blinks at her, setting The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe down, thoughts forgotten. “Me?” he asks. “Cook?”

“Well, yes, you.” Jonghui closes her laptop and sets it to the side, pulling down her headphones. “Jongdae texted me and said he wanted Chinese food. I think he’s more used to eating that compared to Korean food, because he’s been in China for so long.” She gives a laugh. “I have a recipe book, so come chose with me what you want to make.”

“You want to cook with me?” Baekhyun repeats. “Me?” I’m pretty sure our meal is going to be inedible if you want me to cook… “Why?”

Jonghui gives him an incredulous look, as if his question is ridiculous. “Yes, you, Baekhyun. Why not? You have nothing to do.”

Baekhyun shrugs at her. “You could do better by yourself, though.”

“But you’re my friend,” Jonghui says insistently, “and even if I would do better alone — which I don’t believe — it’s nicer with your company and I’d rather screw up the meal with you together.”

Baekhyun freezes at that. Friend? It’s a word he constantly hears — “Oh, this is Sehun, my friend”, or “Are you Jongdae’s friend that’s staying over?” — but it’s never been directed at him genuinely. It’s a word that’s thrown around. Friend is a word that has much more meaning behind it than it’s first shown. It’s a title to be earned. And quite frankly, he can’t think of how exactly he earned that title from Jonghui. Thinking back, he’s probably been anything but a friend.

“I’m your friend?” he hears himself ask. I’m her friend?

Baekhyun feels torn between feeling genuinely confused, happy, and nonchalant. The nonchalant act is swallowed up easily and he blurts out, “I never earned being your friend.”

Jonghui stands up and gives him a slight smile. “Friend isn’t exactly a title you earn,” she replies, “Not exactly. And even if it were, you’ve earned it. Now, are you going to help me or not? It’ll be nice to have someone helping me for once.”

Baekhyun can’t exactly comprehend how and why and when it happened, but Jonghui’s presence is no longer intolerable to him. She gives him a quick grin and though he’s confused, he smiles back and gets off the couch. He thinks back of the time — it had only been three weeks ago — that he’d just arrived on earth. It seems like a horribly long time ago, almost like a lifetime. So many things are different that it scares him. It seems terribly overwhelming to think of, because if there’s one thing that scares Baekhyun, it’s change. Change makes things inconsistent, and consistency is one thing Baekhyun likes. It’s one of the reasons he enjoys staring at the sky — it’s endless, forever, but even then, it’s consistent. It doesn’t change much, either, at least not drastically.

And however long he has to spend on earth in order to go back — Baekhyun hopes that it won’t change. Perhaps, if everything would just stay the same as it was now, then it wouldn’t be so unbearable after all.

***

“This one’s spicy,” Jonghui tells him, tapping a finger at the recipe Baekhyun had been eying. “If we make it, you won’t be able to eat it.”

Baekhyun scowls at the recipe. It looks appetizing, though spicy food is a definite no. Reluctantly, he flips the page.

Jonghui sits next to him, chin in her hands. Baekhyun can feel her kicking her legs under the table, though it doesn’t bother him as much as it would’ve before. She’s leaning extreme close to him and her breath smells slightly of the mint toothpaste everyone in the house has a tube of.

“You can choose,” Baekhyun finally says, pushing the book towards Jonghui. “Make something your brother would like.” He thinks for a second. “Also, make something that won’t require too many dishes. I have to wash them.”

She laughs at that. “Okay.”

“Oh. And nothing spicy.”

“Noted.”

Jonghui draws the book to her and starts to flip through the pages, eying the recipes. Baekhyun takes that moment to scooch away and while he starts looking at the pictures with Jonghui, his attention draws away from that and he finds himself looking at her expression instead. Her face is scrunched up in concentration and she traces the list of